Mystery Men (1999) - Quotes

A Son's Faith in His Father

Roland, Shoveller's Son: I believe in you, Dad.

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Discussion of The Sphinx's Reputation

Blue Raja: Well, there's The Sphinx.

Mr. Furious: Who?

Blue Raja: The Sphinx.

The Shoveler: Yeah, I've heard of this guy. He's a big crime-fighter down east.

Mr. Furious: What's his power?

Blue Raja: Well, he's terribly mysterious.

Mr. Furious: That's it? That's his power, he's mysterious?

Blue Raja: He's terribly mysterious, actually.

The Shoveler: Yeah, plus he can cut guns in half with his mind.

Blue Raja: Really? I hadn't heard that.

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Confronting Mr. Furious's Anger Issues

Shoveler: Come on, somebody do something! We need him!

Bowler: Okay, let's do this. You're a very furious man. Do you understand that?

Mr. Furious: No.

Bowler: No? Well, you've got a lot to be furious about, and I'll tell you why. You're - not well-liked. You're, uh, abrasive and off-putting. You try to say pithy things, but your wit is a hindrance... so therefore nothing is provacative, it's just mixed metaphors. Now doesn't that make you angry? Does it infuriate you?

Mr. Furious: No.

Bowler: Well, it should! Are you angry? Come ON, man!

Shoveler: Your penmanship is atrocious!

Sphinx: You dress in the manner of a male prostitute.

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Understanding the Electro-Nuclear-Magnet Concept

Invisible Boy: So, this is basically a huge electromagnet.

Dr. Heller: Well, actually, it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next inevitable phase.

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A Hero Balances Duty and Family Expectations

Blue Raja: I better get going. I've got a city to save.

Mom: Jeffrey? Do the accent.

Blue Raja: [shifts to British accent] Uh, well... Well, I'd love to stay and chit-chat, Mother, but I fear I must away with me — our metropolis is in the clutches of madmen!

Mom: Jeff?

Blue Raja: Yeah?

Mom: Cheerio.

Blue Raja: Thanks, Mom.

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A Superhero's Unconventional Identity Revealed

Mom: Jeffrey, what are you doing?

Blue Raja: [shifts to British accent] I'm, uh, I'm just... I... I... I'm a superhero, mother.

Mom: A superhero?

Blue Raja: An effete British superhero, to be precise. The Blue Raja is my name, and yes, I know I don't wear much blue and I speak in a British accent, but if you know your history it really does make perfect sense. I am pilfering your tableware because...I hurl it. I hurl it with a deadly accuracy. The point is, your boy's a Limey fork-flinger mother, hard cheese to swallow I know, but there it is. What will the bridge club think?

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Concerns About Frakulation in Team Dynamics

Invisible Boy: But I don't want to get frakulated!

The Bowler: Psycho-frakulated.

Invisible Boy: We still get frakulated!

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Courage in Choosing to Retreat

Blue Raja: Sphinx, what do we do?

Sphinx: Sometimes, the true hero is the one with the courage to run away.

Bowler: I like the way this man thinks!

Invisible Boy: Let's run.

Shoveler: We can't run.

Bowler: Oh, yes! Oh, yes — it's been established that we can run.

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Addressing Priorities Amidst Chaos

The Spleen: Where's Captain Amazing?

Blue Raja: [Stressed] There's been a bit of a cock-up, actually...

The Bowler: Raja murdered him!

Mr. Furious: Guys? I think we have a bigger fish to fry right now.

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Confusion Over Toggle Instructions

Captain Amazing: Now flip the second toggle.

The Bowler: [Having already flipped on his instructions once] ... Again?

Captain Amazing: What do you mean?

The Bowler: Flip the toggle twice?

Captain Amazing: No-no-no, don't do that, just flip it again, now, one time! Flip it.

The Bowler: [To Mr. Furious] ... Does he understand what I'm asking?

Mr. Furious: Hold on a second - Captain, exactly how many toggle flips in toto are involved in this procedure?

Captain Amazing: [Flustered] I just - I - Seven!

Mr. Furious: [Incredulous] Seven?!

Captain Amazing: [A little hysterical] Flip it!!

The Bowler: Hold the phone! Everybody hold the phone. You phrased that incorrectly. We need to know how many toggle flips are needed not counting the gratuitous toggle flip you may have asked for in a moment of panic.

Captain Amazing: [Very hysterical] FLIP IT!!!

Mr. Furious: Okay, you know what, can we just start again? Is there like a reset button on this thing or something?

Captain Amazing: No you little freak, there's no button for resetting! Flip the switch, lady! Don't look at me, lift your left arm and flip it, you moron!

The Bowler: [Offended] Whoa! I am not a moron.

Captain Amazing: You're a moron! You're a moron! Flip the switch, lady!

Mr. Furious: [Gently rebuking] Hey, don't call her a moron, that's not cool...

The Bowler: Thank you!

Blue Raj: [Fed up] I'll do it! I'll do it! It's this one, yes?

The Bowler: No!

Captain Amazing: Uh-oh - wrong switch.

Mr. Furious: ... Everybody heard me say reset button', right?

Blue Raja: [Horrified] Oh my God... Oh my God, we've killed him...

The Shoveler: What do you mean, we'? I was right here.

The Bowler: I'm gonna check his pulse...

The Bowler: ... I don't think he's gonna pull through.

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A Humorous Revelation of Identity

The Shoveler: Captain, I'm just going to ask you directly; do you know billionaire Lance Hunt?

Captain Amazing: [Shoveler looks surprised and disappointed] It's me. Nah, I'm only kiddin ya - I always wanted to do that.

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Acknowledging Genius and Its Credentials

Shoveler: Doctor, you are a genius.

Dr. Heller: That's what the card says.

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Non-Lethal Weapons Discussion

The Shoveler: You're gonna kill someone with that.

Dr. Heller: No, no, no - you see, everything here is non-lethal.

The Shoveler: Non-lethal? What?

Dr. Heller: I don't make weapons that kill.

The Bowler: Oh, I see. How delightfully eccentric of you. Whilst simultaneously being a complete waste of our time.

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Mastering Rage and Formulaic Sayings

Mr. Furious: Okay. Am I the only one who finds these sayings just a bit formulaic? "If you wanna put something down, you gotta pick it up". "If you wanna go left, you gotta go right". It's...

Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage —

Mr. Furious: [The Sphinx freezes, caught] Your rage will become your master? That's what you were gonna say, right? Right?

Sphinx: ... Not necessarily.

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Balancing Tactics and Unusual Footwear

Mr. Furious: Why am I doing this again?

Sphinx: When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.

Mr. Furious: And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?

Sphinx: I don't remember telling you to do that.

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Naming the Team in Mystery Men

Invisible Boy: So what's the name of this team? How about the Super Squad?

Tony P: How about the Six Dead Guys in Their Stupid Costumes? No, no, no — the Magnificent Dead Guys. How about that?

Tony C: How about the Legendary Superfreaks?

Tony P: Way too positive. They totalled our car.

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Misunderstanding Leads to Frustration in Dialogue

Mr. Furious: Do yourself a favor and don't punch my clock, cause I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open.

Casanova Frankenstein: It is Pandora'.

Mr. Furious: Uh, please don't correct me. It sickens me.

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A Lesson in Unchanging Behavior

Tony P: You guys never learn, do you?

Blue Raja: Apparently we don't!

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Cultural Misunderstandings and Bowling Balls

Bowler: So you're a British man who converted to Islam, sort of like Cat Stevens?

Blue Raja: No. Until the early part of this century, India was in fact part of the British Empire, whose government there was called the British Raj after the Hindi word for "sovereignty". Furthermore —

Bowler: [to her bowling ball; to the Blue Raja] Wait — so sorry. What? DAD! No, he's not a commie, nor a fruit. Sorry. His ignorance embarrasses me.

Blue Raja: Sorry, but am I to understand that you've inserted your father's skull inside of that... ball for bowling?

Bowler: No. The guy at the pro shop did it.

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Revelations About Carmine the Bowler

Bowler: Have you ever heard of Carmine the Bowler?

Shoveler: Have we ever heard...

Blue Raja: Cor blimey, miss, don't tell us you're the Bowler's daughter!

Mr. Furious: I seem to remember there being a little controversy around his death.

Bowler: That's right. The police said it was an accident. He'd come home late one night and fell down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets.

Blue Raja: You know, I've always suspected a bit of foul play.

Bowler: As have I.

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Unreciprocated Feelings and Regret

Lucille: Oh, I don't deserve this!

Shoveler: I know.

Lucille: A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie. Still are.

Shoveler: I understand.

Lucille: If one person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you.

Shoveler: That's fair.

Lucille: Mm-hmm. Come on, kids!

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Conflict Over Plans and Intentions

Captain Amazing: Listen, I really think we need to talk about your plans here.

Casanova Frankenstein: You know my plans, Lancie. Tomorrow night... I'm going to kill you.

Captain Amazing: Right. That's the part that really doesn't work for me.

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Questioning the Creativity of Superhero Powers

Tony P: What do we got here?

Tony C: I think they're supposed to be jive superheroes.

Tony P: [he draws a gun; the heroes snicker.] Well, they made a big mistake coming to Casanova's place. What's so funny?

Mr. Furious: That's it? That's your power? You have guns? Couldn't you be a little more creative than that?

Blue Raja: Pardon the impertinence, guv'nor, but what the devil does a pistol have to do with disco?

Disco Boy: It's a Saturday Night Special.

Mr. Furious: Weak.

Blue Raja: [more Disco Boys arrive, armed with a variety of blunt instruments.] At best.

Shoveler: Check out the guy with the pipe. What are you, the Disco Plumber?

Blue Raja: There's no theme at all here, mates!

Mr. Furious: [To Tony C] I mean, if you're gonna carry a chain, at least make it a gold chain, and that's just off the top of my head... Yo, what's up, Tiger Lily?

Tony C: Top of your head, huh?

Incriminating Gadgets and Their Misunderstandings

Captain Amazing: Lookee here — a multi-frequency radio detonator! You really should be more careful when discarding incriminating evidence.

Casanova Frankenstein: Oh, no, no, no, no. This is an amusing little gizmo. It's really quite cool.

Captain Amazing: [the gizmo emits a spurt of vapor into his face] Yeah? What is it? Yuck!

Casanova: It's a chloroform-deploying portable enticement snare.

Captain Amazing: [he collapses] Aw, DANG!

Casanova: Poor Lancie. You really are so predictable.

Justice vs. Publicity in Champion City

Captain Amazing: We've always been each other's greatest nemesises... uh, nemesee... wh-what's the plural on that?

Casanova Frankenstein: [Wearily] Nemeses.

Captain Amazing: Whatever. You're going to prison for life this time, Casanova. You see, here in Champion City we still do a fairly brisk trade... in justice.

Casanova: I thought it was all about publicity and keeping your sponsors happy.

Captain Amazing: See, it's that kind of cynicism that I truly feel is starting to poison society.

A Game of Wits and Expectations

Casanova Frankenstein: Captain Amazing — what a surprise.

Captain Amazing: Really? I'm not so sure about that. Your first night of freedom and you blow up the asylum. Interesting choice. I knew you couldn't change.

Casanova: I knew you'd know that.

Captain Amazing: Oh, I know. And I knew you'd know I'd know you knew.

Casanova: But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know that?

Captain Amazing: ... Of course.

Disco's Enduring Spirit in Changing Times

Casanova Frankenstein: Ah, the old Disco Room. Just as I left it.

Tony P: You been locked up for twenty years, Casanova. A lot of things have changed since then.

Casanova Frankenstein: It must have been hard for you, Tony, the way times and styles have changed... hearing the people say that disco is dead...

Tony P: [Snapping] Disco is not dead! Disco is LIFE!

Casanova Frankenstein: Yes, Tony! That is the passion I remember! Stick with me, Tony, and you will dance again... when I rule this town.

Following Leads to Unexpected Encounters

Mr. Furious: Do you see what I see?

Shoveler: It's Tony C!

Blue Raja: And Tony P, leader of the Disco Boys! But what, pray tell, would he be doing back in town?

Mr. Furious: Maybe it's time to do some following to find out.

Debate Over Lance Hunt's Identity

The Shoveler: Oh yeah, well, maybe if we had a billionaire benefactor like Lance Hunt, then we could afford some advertising.

Mr. Furious: I think that's because Lance Hunt is Captain Amazing.

Blue Raja: Oh, here we go.

Shoveler: Oh, don't start that again! Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing doesn't wear glasses.

Mr. Furious: [Long-suffering] He takes them off when he transforms.

Shoveler: That doesn't make any sense. He wouldn't be able to see!

Blame and Miscommunication Among Superheroes

The Shoveler: What are we gonna publicise, Roy? The fact that we get our butts kicked? A lot?

Mr. Furious: [Annoyed] Well, maybe if you didn't smack me in the face with a shovel every time we went out, we'd have a few more victories to brag about.

Shoveler: All right now, I'm sorry about that. I just have a tendency to lose my concentration when I've got a salad fork stuck in my rear end.

Blue Raja: Oh, oh — I get it! So your shovel in his face is my fault?

Shoveler: You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff.

Mr. Furious: Yeah, what was up with that?

Blue Raja: I-I, I'm embarrassed about that. I thought it was a fork.

Shoveler: You're the master of cutlery. You couldn't throw a knife sometimes when someone's trying to kill me?

Blue Raja: No, I can't! You couldn't, ah, use a rake sometimes?

Shoveler: No. I'm the Shoveler.

Blue Raja: Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man, I'm not Knifey Boy — I'm the Blue Raja.

Mr. Furious: Yeah, that's another thing.

Blue Raja: [Defensive] What?

Mr. Furious: Well, you could work a little blue into the uniform somewhere. I mean you've got green, you've got this little flowery thing going on, but it's like everything but blue.

Blue Raja: Well, if we could just step out of our literal minds, just for a moment.

The Need for a Supervillain

Vic the publicist: I think right now we should focus on the positive. Tonight was good.

Captain Amazing: Yeah - you think so? Cause I was worried it was, um, I don't know... PATHETIC! "Amazing triumphs at a nursing home"? That's great copy, Vic.

Vic: Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician. You want big news, you have to have big fights. A superhero needs a supervillain. And thanks to you, we've got none left.

Captain Amazing: Then get... the... Death Man!

Vic: Death Man is dead.

Captain Amazing: Okay — Father Doom.

Vic: Life without parole. Apocalypto's doing fifty years. Armagezzmo's in exile. Baron von Chaos got the chair —

Captain Amazing: Really?

Vic: Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nut-house.

Captain Amazing: Casanova Frankenstein - now there was a supervillain! You know, he just... he's got those eyes, you know? I can't do it, but... and that voice! Such pure evil! The battles we used to have — extraordinary!

Vic: Used to." That's the problem, Captain. "Used to.