23 quotes
Family Fun and Consideration for Kids
Ellen
The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
Clark
What are you talking about?
Ellen
You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark
I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen
Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
Clark
You know what your problem is? You have an uncanny knack for looking at the dark side of things. That's your problem. You wouldn't know a good time if it came up and bit you!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration in a Desert Journey
Clark
We passed a gas station every 10 yards for 1,000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ASS off! This is no way to run a desert! HA!!
Cowboy
What an asshole.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenges of Family Road Trips
Clark
Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?
Roy Walley
Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.
Clark
Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?
Roy Walley
Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.
Clark
I know they don't close the state of Florida. But, you know...when we got here, to Roy Walley World...and it was closed down, Roy. If you had seen the look on my kids faces. I just went a little haywire.
Roy Walley
You went a lot haywire, if you ask me.
Clark
Well, I'm very sorry, sir. And I'm sorry to all these people. I didn't mean any harm. I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were....If you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
Roy Walley
No.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Credit Card Confusion at the Motel
Motel Clerk
I'm sorry, sir. I can't accept this credit card.
[hands Clark back his credit card]
Clark
Why not?
Motel Clerk
The computer says it's been reported lost.
Clark
Oh no, no, no. You see my wife lost her cards back in Colorado, I had to report it, and the computer is probably saying that I lost mine, which obviously, I haven't.
Motel Clerk
Well, you're going to have to straighten that out with your bank.
Clark
Do you take personal checks?
[takes out checkbook]
Motel Clerk
For how much?
Clark
$300.
Motel Clerk
I can't do that, sir.
Clark
Look, I've lost all my cash, and we're on our way to California...
Motel Clerk
Walley World?
[unamused]
Clark
Yeah. Walley World. And I am sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate it.
Motel Clerk
Not without a major credit card.
[sternly]
Clark
I have $6.13 to my name, so I see we're going to have to work something out here between us.
Motel Clerk
Look, I've already told you, I can't accept a check without a major credit card.
[becoming more annoyed]
Clark
I'm making this out for 1000 dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash, and keep the other 700... all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
Motel Clerk
The only thing I can do is let you stay here until the check clears; 10 working days!
[glares at Clark angrily; A phone rings in the background, and the clerk walks off-screen to answer it. Clark bangs his fist on the desk in frustration, causing the cash register to open. After a pause, he grabs a load of money from the register, puts the check in the register, puts on a cowboy hat, and runs off]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Family Trip Goes Awry
Taglines
Every summer, Chevy Chase takes his family on a little trip. This year, he went too far.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father-Son Conversation on Growing Up
Clark
Russ, come here a minute. You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt your Mom. It's been a long drive. I work very hard for you, Audrey and your mom. I guess when you get older
Rusty
Like swimming naked with girls?
Clark
Yeah! Like swimming naked with girls. Well, not with girls. You think I was swimming with girls?
Rusty
I saw just one girl.
Clark
Who, that girl? Oh, no, that's a waitress. No, I was just ordering in. She's a pool waitress. I was ordering some fish for you, Audrey and Mom.
Rusty
She took your order?
Clark
She took my order, yeah. Swimming waitress. You understand, don't you, Russ?
Rusty
Sure, I understand. Do you think Mom will buy it?
[pause]
Clark
Good talk, son. Go to bed, Russ.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gun Misunderstanding in Vacation Comedy Scene
Lasky
That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark
Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky
It's a BB gun!
Clark
Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky
You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
Clark
Yeah I could. It could lodge in the skin and cause a very bad infection.
Lasky
That's an old wive's tale Clark. I'm telling you.
[gets out of one of the roller coaster car; Clark fires the pistol; Lasky groans in pain and sits back in the seat]
Clark
See I told you. I warned you.
Lasky
You wrecked these pants and you're paying for them!
Clark
Yeah I will pay for them.
[The roller coaster ride begins]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misguided Directions and Family Frustrations
Ellen
I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark
Jesus Christ, it's only the biggest goddamn hole in the world!
Aunt Edna
Clark, watch your language!
Clark
Make that the second biggest.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dark Humor in Family Conversations
Lasky
Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty
Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark
Hey you can't prove that Russ.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Finding Hope Amidst Challenges
Clark
Despite all the little problems, it's fun, isn't it?
Ellen
No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Car Order Mix-Up in Vacation Adventure
Rusty
Dad, this is not the car you ordered.
Clark
Take it easy, Russ. See, Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the, uh, Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and the optional rally fun pack.
Ed
You didn't order the, uh, Metallic Pea?
Clark
Metallic Pea? No, Antarctic Blue! The Sports Wagon! This isn't even the right model!
Ed
You know, I think you're right. I don't think this is the car. This is the new Wagon Queen Family Truckster. This is a... this is a damn fine automobile, if you want my honest opinion. Beats the hell out of the Sports Wagon, but... I want to make you happy, huh? Davenport! I'll get to the bottom of this.
[to Clark]
Davenport
Yes, Mr. Ed.
Ed
Mr. Griswold ordered a blue Sports Wagon. Where is it?
Davenport
I don't know, sir.
[walks away]
Ed
I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.
Clark
Ed, I'm not your ordinary everyday fool, okay? Now I'd like my Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon right now, and if you can't get it for me, I'm gonna take my business elsewhere. Where's my old car?
Ed
I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswold's car back and bring it back here! I can get you the wagon, there's no problem there. The problem is, it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Griswold, that if you're thinking of taking the tribe cross-country, this is the automobile you should be using, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait til you drive it.
[to Clark]
Clark
I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back, okay? I'm not falling for this bit. No way. Let's go, Russ.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Itinerary During Family Road Trip
Ellen
Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark
It's living history, Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Family Request for Financial Help
Cousin Eddie
I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
Aunt Edna
Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie
Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark
Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
[pulling some 20s out of his wallet]
Cousin Eddie
About $52,000.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confidence in Romantic Skills
Cousin Vicki
I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey
So, everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki
Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fruitcake Misunderstanding in Family Dynamics
Aunt Edna
You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen
Oh, we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna
Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes, Claude?
Clark
Clark.
[correcting his name]
Aunt Edna
I thought so. Whew! Well, am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication on the Road
Clark
Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?
Pimp
Hey, fuck yo mama!
Clark
Thank you very much.
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A Family's Plea in a Difficult Moment
Clark
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her… give her a break.
[delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Ellen
Clark! Clark, this is a serious matter! I'll do it myself!
[Clark ignores her, and chants in Hindu]
Clark
Honey, I'm not an ordained minister. I'm doing my best, okay?
Ellen
Lord, we loved this woman with all of our hearts.
Audrey
Let's not overdo it, Mom.
Ellen
Shut up. But my husband wants his beloved family to go to Wally World. May God have mercy on his soul. Amen.
[to "Lord"]
Clark
AMEN! (NOW) LET'S GO!
Ellen
Ugh! I hope at least you kids have learned something from this.
Audrey
Yeah! Don't die unless someone's home!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Debate Over Family Vacation Travel
Ellen
You know, Clark, it's not too late to fly out to California. We only have two weeks.
Clark
Let's not get into that again, sweetie pie. Please?
Ellen
Lots of families fly, Clark. Especially cross-country.
Clark
The idea of a family vacation is to be together as a family. On a plane, you put on earphones and you're lost in your own world.
Ellen
It's a very long drive, Clark.
Clark
I'm looking forward to a long drive. You get to see the kids all the time! I only see them a few minutes in the mornings and evenings and a few hours on the weekends. Someday I'll wake up and realize my babies have grown up! And then what?
Ellen
I just thought it would be easier to fly.
Clark
Nothing that is worthwhile is easy, Ellen. We know that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Road Trip Frustrations
Audrey
I don't want to be in the car anymore. I want to go home! I don't want to go to Walley World!
Ellen
Clark? Under the circumstances, I would rather we just go home. In retrospect, driving across country, has been one disaster after another!
Rusty
Yeah, it's been a real drag, Dad! Maybe we can try it some other time. Walley World's overrated anyway.
Ellen
What do you think?
Clark
I think you're all fucked in the head. We're 10 hours from the fuckin fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation… it's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes!!! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Rusty
Dad, you want an aspirin or somethin’?
[touching Clark's shoulder]
Clark
Don't TOUCH!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Fun Park Closure Sparks Frustration
Marty Moose
Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Ellen
Clark, what are you doing?
Clark
We watch his program, we buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking a right he owes us!
Ellen
Clark, you're scaring me!
Clark
Don't be scared! I just think somebody owes us an explanation, that's all.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expectations of Parenthood and Work-Life Balance
Ellen
Gee Cath, looks like you really got your hands full.
Catherine
Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
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Preferences on Buns and Kool-Aid
Cousin Eddie
How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark
Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
Cousin Eddie
No, I mean your bun. Light or dark?
Clark
Oh, either way, doesn’t matter. Vicki can I help you with that Kool-Aid? Please?
[noticing Vicki mixing Kool-Aid with her arm in the jar]
Cousin Eddie
I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark
You're the gourmet around here, Ed! No meat in this?
[to Ellen]
Ellen
You get plenty of meat at home. Be polite, have some ketchup.
Clark
Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
[looking at raw tomato paste]
Cousin Eddie
Oh, nothing but the best! Aunt Edna! Helper’s gettin’ cold!
Clark
Is that your Aunt Edna?
[looking shocked]
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Unexpected Costs of an Out-of-Town Trip
Clark
Okay. What do I owe you?
Assistant Mechanic
Never heard of no one so shit-all stupid as you drivin off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark
Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. What's the bill?
Clark
Come on, come on, come on. How much?
Mechanic
How much you got?
Clark
No, no, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic
And I'm asking you how much you got.
[threateningly]
Clark
You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, okay? So how much is it?
Mechanic
All of it, boy.
[picks up a heavy wrench]
Clark
What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.