11 quotes
Conflict Among Historical Figures
Larry Daley
Hey! Guys! Hey, guys! Hey! Guys!
[snaps his fingers, which to Jed and Octavius the sound is deafening]
Jedediah and Octavius
Ow!
Larry Daley
Sorry. What's goin on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.
Octavius
We will never coexist with these buffoons!
Jedediah
We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!
Octavius
Ha! Those guns don't even work.
Jedediah
Oh, they don't? Take a look at this.
Octavius
Ay!
Jedediah
Don't kick me!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preparation for a Night at the Museum
Cecil
Larry. Your keys, your torch.
Larry Daley
Right.
Cecil
You're gonna wanna strap those to your belt. Now, it can get a little spooky around here at night, so you might wanna put a few lights on. All right, flashlight, keys. What am I for...? Oh. The instruction manual.
Gus
Instructions. You start with one, two, three...
Larry Daley
Four?
Gus
Are you crackin wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, hopscotch.
Reginald
Leave him alone, Gus. You got it covered, right, Larry?
Larry Daley
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Gus
You better get it!
Cecil
Gus. Larry, do them in order, do them all and do them quick. And the most important thing of all to remember: don't let anything in or out.
Larry Daley
Out?
Cecil
Good luck, son.
Larry Daley
Night, Gus.
Gus
Young buck, crackin wise.
Cecil
Moving on.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Meeting Between Roosevelt and the Night Guard
Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of these United States of America, at your service.
Larry Daley
Okay. I'm Larry, the new night guard...
Roosevelt
Pleasure to meet you, Lawrence! Now, if you excuse me , the hunt is afoot.
[cocks shotgun]
Larry Daley
Hunt's afoot.
[mutters]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding of Size and Conflict
Larry Daley
Oh, my...
[sees the miniature knights]
Octavius
Prepare the catapults.
Jedediah
Whoa, Octavius, hold on! This ain't your fight! This here giant's on our land!
Larry Daley
Hey, hey, little guy. Jed. Yeah. Sorry. Look, I just... I'm not a giant, okay? I'm just like an average size.
Jedediah
Don't talk down to me.
Larry Daley
I'm not a giant, guys. All right? You guys are really little.
[to the miniature knights]
Octavius
We may be small. But our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.
Larry Daley
Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying you're miniatures.
Octavius
Silence! The Roman Empire knows no boundaries.
Jedediah
Don't you do it, son.
Larry Daley
Do what?
Jedediah
Octavius!
Larry Daley
Don't do what?
Octavius
UNLEASH HELL!!!
Jedediah
D'oh!
Knight
FIRE!
Teddy Roosevelt
Climb aboard, boy. Take the hand, son. On board.
[reaches his hand; Larry climbs on Teddy's horse]
Jedediah
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN, BOY! YOU HEAR JEDEDIAH?! THAT MUSTACHIOED HORSEMAN AIN'T ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE TO PROTECT YOU! YOU HEAR ME?!
[calling out to Larry]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Evolved Perspectives on Forgiveness and Understanding
Larry Daley
Okay, Dexter. No hard feelings, okay?
Teddy
Lawrence...
[threatening]
Larry Daley
But... you saw!
Teddy
Who is evolved?
Larry Daley
I am...
[muttering]
Teddy
Who is evolved?
Larry Daley
I am!
Teddy Roosevelt
Good.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding a Historical Figure's Identity
Larry Daley
Ah — ].
[[Teddy Roosevelt]
Rebecca
Yes. A great visionary.
Larry Daley
Yes, definitely. He was our 4th president, right?
Rebecca
26th.
Larry Daley
26th.
Dr. McPhee
Please don't touch the exhibits! I mean, riffraff. Mrs. Hutman, I cannot tolerate this type of chaos. I mean, this is a museum, not a... Do you know what museum means? It doesn't mean, "Ooh, Daddy, it's a big tyrannosaurus thing. Can I touch its leg?" No! It... Work it out, please.
Rebecca
Will do, sir.
Dr. McPhee
Thank you.
Rebecca
Dr. McPhee, our museum director.
Larry Daley
Hmm, seems like a fun guy.
Dr. McPhee
Control your young, please! Can we? Oh!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenge of Believing the Unbelievable
Cecil
We're too old for surprises.
Larry Daley
Really? I thought you liked surprises! Especially the fact that everything in the museum comes to life at night! That little... sweetheart.
Cecil
Larry, we wanted to tell you. You never would have believed us.
Larry Daley
Do you have any idea what I've been through tonight?
Gus
What?
Larry Daley
I said, do you have any idea what I've been through tonight, Gus?
Gus
Keep a lid on it, butterscotch!
Larry Daley
I don't even know if what happened was real or not, but I did not sign up for this. I just need a regular job that... that is not life-threatening and pays my bills. So thank you very much, and I left my uniform in the office, and I will be seeing you.
Gus
Larry! Bah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Night Guard's Return to Duty
Reginald
Hey, Larry.
Larry Daley
So, I was thinking maybe I'll give it one more night.
Cecil
I'm glad you came around. Welcome back.
Dr. McPhee
You! New night guard, here, now.
Larry Daley
What's up?
Dr. McPhee
What's up?" Oh. Well, take a walk with me, and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up". Come on. So, would you kindly do me the favor of explaining this?
Larry Daley
Ooh. Okay. I'm guessing and I'm just spitballing here but looks like that Roman dude got cocky and climbed over into the Wild West. And that cowboy knows the Roman dude wants to take over his territory, so he rounded up a posse and put him in the stockade.
Dr. McPhee
Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. "No", is the answer. Sarcasm back at ya with your... humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?
[laughs sarcastically]
Larry Daley
No. I don't want a... No, I don't want a battle of humor.
Dr. McPhee
No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Bighorn. No. I find it about as funny as a "fancist". It's not funny. Okay? And I will not stand for this type of blatant... If I'm not clear, tell me. Am I clear?
Larry Daley
Yeah.
Dr. McPhee
Yeah.
Larry Daley
Hey, Cecil. You got an extra copy of that instruction manual?
Cecil
Oh, no, I'm afraid not, Larry. Listen, I'll tell you what you do. Read some books. Brush up on your history. Helped me a lot when I first started out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication and Responsibility in the Workplace
Larry Daley
Excuse me? Mr. McPhee? Excuse me, Mr. McPhee? Can I talk to you about this, please, sir?
Dr. McPhee
What?
Larry Daley
I know that I screwed up, but I think I finally understand how to do this job.
Dr. McPhee
You obviously don't. That's the point.
Larry Daley
No, I didn't, but now I do. Really, Mr. McPhee, if you just give me one...
Dr. McPhee
Doctor.
Larry Daley
Dr. McPhee, just... Can you please give me one more night?
Dr. McPhee
One more night.
Larry Daley
Okay, thank you.
Dr. McPhee
And if anything is the tiniest after your shift... Because...
Larry Daley
Got it.
Dr. McPhee
Okay?
Larry Daley
Okay.
Dr. McPhee
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
Larry Daley
Shame on me. Fool me... Shame on me.
Dr. McPhee
You.
Larry Daley
Fool me twice... Got it.
Dr. McPhee
Take it or leave it.
Larry Daley
Okay, thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Surprise Encounter in the Museum
Roosevelt
BOO!!!
Larry Daley
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Roosevelt
Bully! Got you, boy.
[laughs]
Larry Daley
Yeah. You got me.
Jedediah
YAHHHHHHHH!!! Say hello to your little friend! Hey!
[pops up from his pocket, aiming his gun; Larry picks him up]
Larry Daley
What are you doing?
Jedediah
Put me down! I don't like to be manhandled!
Larry Daley
Just calm down, Jed.
Jedediah
It doesn't feel good! It makes me feel small and powerless.
Larry Daley
You done?
Jedediah
I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye.
[grunts, his gun clicks]
Larry Daley
Yeah, keep shootin'. Nothing is gonna happen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Train Delay in the Museum
Larry Daley
Hey, blondie.
Jedediah
Name's Jedediah.
Larry Daley
All right, Jedediah, stop the train, please!
Jedediah
Big no can do, crackerjack.
Larry Daley
What's going on here, huh?
Jedediah
Somebody's gotta pay.
Larry Daley
Pay for what?
Jedediah
I don't know! Just pay! Now stop whining and just take it like a man!
Larry Daley
Seriously. Stop the train.
Jedediah
All right, stop the train.
Larry Daley
Thank you.
Jedediah
NOW FULL SPEED AHEAD AND RAM HIM! SPLIT HIS HEAD LIKE A WATERMELON!
[shouts]
Larry Daley
Ooh! Ow!
[the miniature train hits his face]
Jedediah
For cryin out loud!
Larry Daley
All right, that's enough.
[starts to free himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.