Night at the Museum (2006) - Quotes

Evolved Perspectives on Forgiveness and Understanding

Larry Daley: Okay, Dexter. No hard feelings, okay?

Teddy: [threatening] Lawrence...

Larry Daley: But... you saw!

Teddy: Who is evolved?

Larry Daley: [muttering] I am...

Teddy: Who is evolved?

Larry Daley: I am!

Teddy Roosevelt: Good.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Meeting Between Roosevelt and the Night Guard

Roosevelt: Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of these United States of America, at your service.

Larry Daley: Okay. I'm Larry, the new night guard...

Roosevelt: [cocks shotgun] Pleasure to meet you, Lawrence! Now, if you excuse me , the hunt is afoot.

Larry Daley: [mutters] Hunt's afoot.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Miscommunication and Responsibility in the Workplace

Larry Daley: Excuse me? Mr. McPhee? Excuse me, Mr. McPhee? Can I talk to you about this, please, sir?

Dr. McPhee: What?

Larry Daley: I know that I screwed up, but I think I finally understand how to do this job.

Dr. McPhee: You obviously don't. That's the point.

Larry Daley: No, I didn't, but now I do. Really, Mr. McPhee, if you just give me one...

Dr. McPhee: Doctor.

Larry Daley: Dr. McPhee, just... Can you please give me one more night?

Dr. McPhee: One more night.

Larry Daley: Okay, thank you.

Dr. McPhee: And if anything is the tiniest after your shift... Because...

Larry Daley: Got it.

Dr. McPhee: Okay?

Larry Daley: Okay.

Dr. McPhee: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Larry Daley: Shame on me. Fool me... Shame on me.

Dr. McPhee: You.

Larry Daley: Fool me twice... Got it.

Dr. McPhee: Take it or leave it.

Larry Daley: Okay, thank you.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Conflict Among Historical Figures

Larry Daley: [snaps his fingers, which to Jed and Octavius the sound is deafening] Hey! Guys! Hey, guys! Hey! Guys!

Jedediah and Octavius: Ow!

Larry Daley: Sorry. What's goin on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.

Octavius: We will never coexist with these buffoons!

Jedediah: We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!

Octavius: Ha! Those guns don't even work.

Jedediah: Oh, they don't? Take a look at this.

Octavius: Ay!

Jedediah: Don't kick me!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Night Guard's Return to Duty

Reginald: Hey, Larry.

Larry Daley: So, I was thinking maybe I'll give it one more night.

Cecil: I'm glad you came around. Welcome back.

Dr. McPhee: You! New night guard, here, now.

Larry Daley: What's up?

Dr. McPhee: What's up?" Oh. Well, take a walk with me, and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up". Come on. So, would you kindly do me the favor of explaining this?

Larry Daley: Ooh. Okay. I'm guessing and I'm just spitballing here but looks like that Roman dude got cocky and climbed over into the Wild West. And that cowboy knows the Roman dude wants to take over his territory, so he rounded up a posse and put him in the stockade.

Dr. McPhee: [laughs sarcastically] Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. "No", is the answer. Sarcasm back at ya with your... humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?

Larry Daley: No. I don't want a... No, I don't want a battle of humor.

Dr. McPhee: No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Bighorn. No. I find it about as funny as a "fancist". It's not funny. Okay? And I will not stand for this type of blatant... If I'm not clear, tell me. Am I clear?

Larry Daley: Yeah.

Dr. McPhee: Yeah.

Larry Daley: Hey, Cecil. You got an extra copy of that instruction manual?

Cecil: Oh, no, I'm afraid not, Larry. Listen, I'll tell you what you do. Read some books. Brush up on your history. Helped me a lot when I first started out.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Challenge of Believing the Unbelievable

Cecil: We're too old for surprises.

Larry Daley: Really? I thought you liked surprises! Especially the fact that everything in the museum comes to life at night! That little... sweetheart.

Cecil: Larry, we wanted to tell you. You never would have believed us.

Larry Daley: Do you have any idea what I've been through tonight?

Gus: What?

Larry Daley: I said, do you have any idea what I've been through tonight, Gus?

Gus: Keep a lid on it, butterscotch!

Larry Daley: I don't even know if what happened was real or not, but I did not sign up for this. I just need a regular job that... that is not life-threatening and pays my bills. So thank you very much, and I left my uniform in the office, and I will be seeing you.

Gus: Larry! Bah.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Surprise Encounter in the Museum

Roosevelt: BOO!!!

Larry Daley: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Roosevelt: [laughs] Bully! Got you, boy.

Larry Daley: Yeah. You got me.

Jedediah: [pops up from his pocket, aiming his gun; Larry picks him up] YAHHHHHHHH!!! Say hello to your little friend! Hey!

Larry Daley: What are you doing?

Jedediah: Put me down! I don't like to be manhandled!

Larry Daley: Just calm down, Jed.

Jedediah: It doesn't feel good! It makes me feel small and powerless.

Larry Daley: You done?

Jedediah: [grunts, his gun clicks] I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye.

Larry Daley: Yeah, keep shootin'. Nothing is gonna happen.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Misunderstanding of Size and Conflict

Larry Daley: [sees the miniature knights] Oh, my...

Octavius: Prepare the catapults.

Jedediah: Whoa, Octavius, hold on! This ain't your fight! This here giant's on our land!

Larry Daley: Hey, hey, little guy. Jed. Yeah. Sorry. Look, I just... I'm not a giant, okay? I'm just like an average size.

Jedediah: Don't talk down to me.

Larry Daley: [to the miniature knights] I'm not a giant, guys. All right? You guys are really little.

Octavius: We may be small. But our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.

Larry Daley: Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying you're miniatures.

Octavius: Silence! The Roman Empire knows no boundaries.

Jedediah: Don't you do it, son.

Larry Daley: Do what?

Jedediah: Octavius!

Larry Daley: Don't do what?

Octavius: UNLEASH HELL!!!

Jedediah: D'oh!

Knight: FIRE!

Teddy Roosevelt: [reaches his hand; Larry climbs on Teddy's horse] Climb aboard, boy. Take the hand, son. On board.

Jedediah: [calling out to Larry] THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN, BOY! YOU HEAR JEDEDIAH?! THAT MUSTACHIOED HORSEMAN AIN'T ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE TO PROTECT YOU! YOU HEAR ME?!

Unexpected Train Delay in the Museum

Larry Daley: Hey, blondie.

Jedediah: Name's Jedediah.

Larry Daley: All right, Jedediah, stop the train, please!

Jedediah: Big no can do, crackerjack.

Larry Daley: What's going on here, huh?

Jedediah: Somebody's gotta pay.

Larry Daley: Pay for what?

Jedediah: I don't know! Just pay! Now stop whining and just take it like a man!

Larry Daley: Seriously. Stop the train.

Jedediah: All right, stop the train.

Larry Daley: Thank you.

Jedediah: [shouts] NOW FULL SPEED AHEAD AND RAM HIM! SPLIT HIS HEAD LIKE A WATERMELON!

Larry Daley: [the miniature train hits his face] Ooh! Ow!

Jedediah: For cryin out loud!

Larry Daley: [starts to free himself] All right, that's enough.

Preparation for a Night at the Museum

Cecil: Larry. Your keys, your torch.

Larry Daley: Right.

Cecil: You're gonna wanna strap those to your belt. Now, it can get a little spooky around here at night, so you might wanna put a few lights on. All right, flashlight, keys. What am I for...? Oh. The instruction manual.

Gus: Instructions. You start with one, two, three...

Larry Daley: Four?

Gus: Are you crackin wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, hopscotch.

Reginald: Leave him alone, Gus. You got it covered, right, Larry?

Larry Daley: Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Gus: You better get it!

Cecil: Gus. Larry, do them in order, do them all and do them quick. And the most important thing of all to remember: don't let anything in or out.

Larry Daley: Out?

Cecil: Good luck, son.

Larry Daley: Night, Gus.

Gus: Young buck, crackin wise.

Cecil: Moving on.

Misunderstanding a Historical Figure's Identity

Larry Daley: [[Teddy Roosevelt] Ah — ].

Rebecca: Yes. A great visionary.

Larry Daley: Yes, definitely. He was our 4th president, right?

Rebecca: 26th.

Larry Daley: 26th.

Dr. McPhee: Please don't touch the exhibits! I mean, riffraff. Mrs. Hutman, I cannot tolerate this type of chaos. I mean, this is a museum, not a... Do you know what museum means? It doesn't mean, "Ooh, Daddy, it's a big tyrannosaurus thing. Can I touch its leg?" No! It... Work it out, please.

Rebecca: Will do, sir.

Dr. McPhee: Thank you.

Rebecca: Dr. McPhee, our museum director.

Larry Daley: Hmm, seems like a fun guy.

Dr. McPhee: Control your young, please! Can we? Oh!