15 quotes
Ideas and Frustrations in a Scary Place
Saul
Why are we even here? This place is so fuckin scary!
Dale
At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!
Saul
That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Arrival at Dinner
Robert Anderson
What the hell happened to you?
[at dinner]
Dale Denton
Nothing. I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here.
Robert Anderson
You're all dirty and bleeding.
Dale Denton
No I'm not. I'm here for dinner.
Shannon Anderson
You have scratches on your forehead.
Robert Anderson
Dude, you smell like shit.
Angie Anderson
Dale, what happened to you?
Dale Denton
I was in the woods!
Shannon Anderson
In the woods?
Dale Denton
Yeah, isn't that weird? I was...I was in the woods!
Shannon Anderson
What were you doing in the woods?
Dale Denton
I bird...watch...I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder, okay? I saw someone murder...someone else, and I think they've been following me. And there's a good chance they went to my apartment where Angie has a lot of things. She is her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written, and it's on my fridge. So they could then find this house. They could come here.
Shannon Anderson
We should call the police right away.
Dale Denton
We can't call the police. The police were the murderers. That's what's so flippin scary.
Robert Anderson
We can't call the police. They were the murderers.
Dale Denton
They were the murderers. Don't?
Robert Anderson
Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna...
[at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder]
Angie Anderson
So fucked up.
Dale Denton
What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna! Look, we gotta get the F out of here. Let's go. We need to begin to prematurely evacuate.
Robert Anderson
Are you high?
Dale Denton
What? No, I'm not high. Why?
Shannon Anderson
You are high as a fucking kite!
Dale Denton
I'm not high. Let's go.
Robert Anderson
We're not going anywhere. I'm coming back in a minute. You know what I'm coming back with?
Dale Denton
No.
Robert Anderson
I'm coming back with a gun. You better be out of here.
Shannon Anderson
Robert, don't.
Robert Anderson
I'm not fucking with you.
Dale Denton
Your gun? His gun? Why do you? Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms? Look, no, we need to go. Everyone, I'm leading the parade.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Solutions to a Wiper Problem
Saul
I can't see. The wipers don't work!
Dale
Well, kick the windshield out. Isn't that what they do?
Saul
Ouch! Fuck! I think I pulled my groin!
[kicks his leg through the windshield]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Formation of Unexpected Friendships
Red
Seriously! I know this sounds weird, but can we be best friends? Just us? For real?
Dale
I think we should ALL be best friends!
Red
We should be. You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.
Saul
You guys are like both of my best friends, and you didn't even know it, but now you know it, and we'll all be best friends!
Dale
You know what we should get? You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a three-way one of those, man!
Saul
Three-way! Three-way!
[while Dale is talking]
Red
I don't even know if they fucking make those!
Dale
We should make the first ones!
Saul
Three-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings About Asian Identity in Conflict
Dale
What else?
Red
Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're like in a drug war right now.
Dale
The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!
Saul
It's true.
Dale
What Asians?
Red
Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um--
Saul
Viet Cong?
Red
Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like...the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Responses in a Tense Conversation
Dale
Okay, even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are?
Saul
Um, heat seeking missiles...um, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.
Dale
I'm just--I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul
Thank you.
Dale
Not a compliment.
Saul
Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here.
Dale
Okay... Uh, let's go. No. It's not working. The battery's dead.
[sarcastically]
Saul
Wait...what do you mean, it's dead?
Dale
What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead.
[laughing]
Saul
No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead?
Dale
How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul
How did this happen?
[frustrated sigh]
Dale
Well, we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and—
Saul
Aw, man...talk radio?
Dale
Yes, talk radio.
Saul
So boring, man. The car just committed suicide.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Avoiding Trouble and Embracing Danger
Dale
Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?
Red
You don't think I can handle danger?
Dale
What are you talking about?
Saul
He can!
Red
I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? Cause look at this!
Red
You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro! Okay?
Dale
What's the significance of that?
Red
It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!
Dale
Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know.
Red
Uh-uh.
Saul
Uh-huh.
Dale
U-huh.
Red
Uh-uh.
Dale
Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?
Red
It's "uh-uh".
Saul
There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a wacky night in the woods...but we both can put that behind us like adults. Now it's time to get super-duper high. Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv?
Red
Bong Mitzvah. Hit it up, dude.
Saul
Yes.
Red
There you go. Why don’t you follow his league and just chill out, man?
Dale
I’m chill. I’m chill as a cucumber, man.
Red
You don’t seem chill.
Dale
More chill than you.
Red
You’re more chill than me? Look what I’m wearing. Kimono, dawg. What are you wearing?
Dale
A suit.
Red
Yeah, exactly. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I don’t know if I like you.
Dale
Well, I don’t know if I like you either, man.
Red
Well, that’s your loss, because I’m a great friend. I’mma use the telefono to call my wife, okay?
Dale
Give her a call.
Red
I will.
Dale
Go ahead.
Red
Don’t pay attention to what I’m saying.
Dale
Oh, I won’t.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Staying in the Dumpster Decision
Saul
I think we should stay here.
[Jumps into a dumpster]
Dale
Why?
Saul
Cause I am in the dumpster already.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Trust Issues Among Friends
Dale
You're sure we can trust this guy?
Saul
Yo, Red.
Red
Who is it?
Saul
It's Bruce.
Red
Bruce? Who the fuck is this? Saul. What's up?
Saul
Who do you think it is?
Red
Who's this?
Dale
I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.
Red
Dale who?
Dale
It's best if you don't know my full name.
Saul
Dale Denton. Don't worry, he's with me.
Red
Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay?
Saul
You better.
Red
Get in here.
Saul
Coming in.
Red
Y'all Wanna buy some drugs?
Saul
Frisk me.
Red
What's up? What's up? What's up?
Saul
Get it.
Red
Give it. Give it. Look at that, huh? What's up, players?
Saul
What's up?
Red
I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes?
Saul
Oh, we were camping.
Red
Camping?
Saul
Yeah.
Dale
Is your, uh...is your lip okay, man?
Saul
You been crying?
Red
Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so, uh, I started to cry. I think it's like a lot worse than it looks though. It's like a simple kind of...
[clearly bruised and cut]
Saul
S-so...does that mean fuckin herpes?
[interrupting Red]
Red
Yeah, y-yeah. Yes it does.
Saul
Wow! Fuckin sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?
Red
I know, I'm a disgusting person.
Saul
Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!
Red
Ya, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical...ointment on it. I've been taking Vicodin. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.
Saul
It's from that time. I told you, man. You ate that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.
Red
Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do? You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole.
Saul
You fucking said you wouldn't tell. You sowed your own poison, man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Witness to a Crime Confirmation
Barber
So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody?
Dale
That's exactly what I've been telling you.
Barber
And you saw it?
Dale
Yes. Do you believe me?
Barber
I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop?
Dale
It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Barber
Oh, I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale
Yes, I will identify that bitch.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Conversation Amidst Cooking Distractions
Dale
Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. Just ask him.
[to Saul]
Red
Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here.
[while frosting a cake]
Dale
That's great. Just--
Red
We got a lot of time to hang out. I'm making a fucking cake.
Dale
No shit. Just ask him, man.
[to Saul]
Saul
Can I have a piece of that?
Dale
What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.
Saul
I can't have a piece of that?
[to Red]
Red
No, you cannot have a piece. This is private. You know what today is?
[is almost done frosting the cake]
Saul
Tuesday.
Red
This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale
I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red
No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh?
Dale
Sorry.
Red
All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.
Saul
Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to heaven.
Red
Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Car Chase Memories Shared Between Friends
Saul
My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase.
Red
You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet!
Saul
Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Metaphor About Comfort
Private Miller
Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice o butter... melting on top of a big ol pile of flapjacks. Yeah.
[pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tension in a Time of Crisis
Saul
Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic.
Dale
I'm okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here, okay?
Saul
All right. First thing's first.
[he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana; takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it]
Dale
Don't...do that, okay?
Saul
Yeah, why not?
[stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter]
Dale
Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened because we were smoking marijuana.
Saul
Naw, man. That happened cause those fucking kids couldn't keep their shit on the down low, man.
Dale
In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the fuckin time!
Saul
Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man?
Dale
Okay. Well, that would be true...if you HAD saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, and you made things worse, and now were wanted for all sorts of fuckin crazy shit!
Saul
Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, the only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.
Dale
Oh yeah. She must be proud of you for that.
Saul
She is really proud of me. And I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot. What the hell do you do?
Dale
You mean besides stay in my home for fear that you designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about life! Giving lessons about life!
Saul
Oh, well, in my place, I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing? BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH ON THE RADIO!
Dale
You are an asshole. That's all you are, you're an asshole.
Saul
I'm not an asshole!
Dale
You are an asshole!
Saul
No, you know what? I'm-- I'm-- I feel pretty-- pretty sure that I'm not an asshole. I'm like a totally nice guy.
Dale
I'm just as nice as you are, so you don't bring that out. When we were in the woods, I gave you my jacket. You were cold, and I clothed you!
Saul
What about in the park, where I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back.
Dale
Well, that's easy. It's because we're NOT friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other. I like the drugs you sell. That's it. And if you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Instead of looking like this.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tension Between Dale and Red Escalates
Dale
Red?
Red
What the fuck? Get out of here, man, I didn’t do shit, Denton!
Dale
Look, I come in piece, okay? I’m not here to fight you again.
Red
Good. ‘Cause I’m tired, man. I’m feeling so hot.
Dale
You don’t look great.
Red
They shot me, Denton. They got me right here.
Dale
Yeah.
Red
Right here. And then they got me again right here.
Dale
Look, man, I’ll call 9-1-1 right now. They’ll save your life, okay? You don’t need to die.
Red
No, bro. You don’t get it, man. It doesn’t really matter where I’m at. If I’m at the hospital, if I’m here, Ted’s gonna find me, man. He will. And when he does, he’s gonna fucking kill me. He’s just like an asshole.
Dale
I couldn’t agree more, Red. That’s why I’ve come here, okay? You know Ted? He took Saul. And I’m gonna get him back. You know, like, he saved my life. We’ve been on the run together and he’s a great friend. He’s a good guy.
Red
He is, man. I’ll tell you that, man. Saul is a good dude.
Dale
And I was mean to him, man. I wronged him and I can’t, I can’t let it end like that.
Red
Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. It's like, I'm just a hermit crab changin shells.
Dale
Except, if you're a DICK your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or...a fuckin anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as ], okay? Which would you rather be?
[[w:Jude_Law|Jude Law]
Red
Hmm, maybe the anal bead, like...depending on who it belongs to.
Dale
Belongs to me.
Red
Then the dragon.
Dale
Exactly.
Red
Yeah...
Dale
You need to help me, okay? Just use it, you know? Use the pain. You’ll have a second wind, man. Let’s just get up and we can go get Saul back. Use it. Aren’t you angry at Ted?
Red
Yeah, I’m really mad at him.
Dale
Well, what do you wanna do about it? Don’t you wanna get up, do something about it?
Red
Maybe, maybe that would be cool to do to him.
Dale
I don’t think "maybe" is the answer I’m looking for. I think, "Yes. I’m gonna help you, Dale!” that’s the answer I’m looking for.
Red
Come here.
[Dale grabs Red’s hand and they start collecting guns]
Red
Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers. Thug life.
[cocks the gun]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.