Name: Private Parts
Genre: Drama, Comedy
Released: 1997-03-07
Duration: 109 min
Rating: 6.5
Cast: Howard Stern, Robin Quivers, Mary McCormack, Fred Norris, Paul Giamatti

Private Parts

The Complexity of Being Misunderstood

Howard Stern So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Alison. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. And who knows? With a little time, the right energy...I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Celebrating Happiness Through Dance

Howard Robin, watch this. What am I doing?

Robin Uh, having a seizure?

Howard No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing because I'm happy cause I got laid last night.

Robin Oh!

Howard Yeah, I really did. In fact, it was not for lust. It was cause I was making a kid.

Robin Oh.

Howard In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. They're very, you know, she's getting older. But my sperm is like supersperm, so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.

Robin Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.

Howard My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. I'm in a good mood.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

A Caller's Unusual Morning Thoughts

Caller I was calling because I have a really big problem.

Howard What's your problem?

Caller Well, every morning I lie in bed, and the only thing I can do is think of you.

Howard Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem. What do you look like?

Caller Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes, and my measurements are about 38-24-34. Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett.

Howard I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl.

Robin You know, we have the most beautiful audience.

Howard We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way. You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem? I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio.

Robin How are we gonna do that?

Howard Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin. First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on? You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems?

Caller I have one of those big sound systems.

Howard Good. OK. Could you turn the treble all the way down and put the bass all the way up?

Caller OK. The treble's down, and the bass is up.

Howard Take your speaker...You got a big speaker?

Caller Yes, I do.

Howard Lay it flat on the floor. And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker.

Robin Howard!

Caller Do what?

Robin A woman cannot be aroused in that way.

Howard No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong. In fact, my father was a radio engineer, and he proved this theory years ago. You've got to believe. Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer.

Caller I can't believe you're really making me to do this.

Howard Come on, do it. Right up against it so you can feel me.

Caller I'm on.

Robin Oh, I have to ask her a question. What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?

Howard Don't answer that question. Bad question. You're gonna ruin this woman's mood. She might start second-guessing. Are you ready to have sex?

Caller Oh, my God.

[Giggling]

Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller Ooh!

Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller Oohh! Ooh. It kinda tingles.

Howard See? It tingles. She likes it.

Robin Yeah, sure.

Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller Ohh! Oh...

Robin She's full of it.

Caller Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!

Howard Listen to her. She's going wild.

Robin You got me moaning.

Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Caller Ohhhhhhhh! Oh, my goodness. Ohhh!

Howard This is the best sex I ever had.

[laughs]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Navigating Originality in Comedy and Character

Howard I gotta tell you something, Kenny. I always saw myself sort of something different than lmus. That's why you hired me.

Kenny You are original. You are original, but... You say a lot of offensive things, and occasionally you are real funny, but you've got to learn to do what Imus does. See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself. He says it through a character.

Howard Yeah, well, I don't do character...

Kenny How about you go on the air 3 A.M. This morning, show us some characters. OK? Good.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Inappropriate Comments on Height and Attraction

Howard Let me soak you in. Holy cow, are you naked. You know what I like about you?

Mandy What?

Howard I like that you're the perfect height. I could have sex with you standing up. Look at that. Ooh.

Robin Howard! You're married.

Howard I am? I mean, I am. Well, I'm not really married anymore.

Mandy What do you mean?

Howard Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened. My wife was suffering from cancer...I never told you this...and she died last night. I've been single for exactly 24 hours. Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. Besides, you're married to God now...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Game Show Fun with Unexpected Answers

Howard Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Sternburn, and welcome to Match Game. We have a lot of excitement in the air today because we have some great panelists.

Howard Let's play our game now, OK? Shall we? And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, OK? Now, I want you to listen carefully. Our first clue up is...blank willow. Blank willow. Let's go over to Miss Brett Somers right now. Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow.

[Music Plays]

Howard Uh-oh. Pussy. Hey, all right. Hey, that's kind of wild. Pussy willow, that's what I would have said. All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former president of the United States. What did you have? Blank willow.

Fred In any language, pussy.

Howard All right! Now let's go to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow.

Jackie Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy.

Howard Sloppy pussy! We had a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one.

Fred Are we talking about Brett again?

Howard All right, now, Let's keep going. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? Everybody ready? Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. Think about that while the celebrities are writing. Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick?

[Music Plays]

Fred Well, it takes a Dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote.

Howard Cock-a-doodle-doo. Now, that's what I would have said. That seemed like the obvious answer. OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie The Jokeman?

Jackie Gene, I have cock, and I wrote it big. I have a big cock.

Howard Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.

Robin But I just said pussy.

Jackie Yeah, she just said pussy.

Howard Yes, pussy is OK. It's the way he says it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.

Jackie So I can't say "big cock," but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?

Howard That's correct.

Jackie That sucks.

Fred Did you just say, "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"?

Howard All right, enough of this nonsense. We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers.

Robin Just like the boys, Gene, I've got cock.

Howard There it is, cock-a-doo...do me a favor and hold that up so I can see your cock.

Jackie Aw, Gene, don't have...

Howard All right, there it is. Cock, cock, cock. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Exploring Sexual Frustration and Communication

Howard Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny?

Robin Sometimes.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

New Law Announced by Officer Howie

Howard Stern I am Officer Howie, and there's a new law in town. We're taking it over.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Balancing Public Persona and Private Life

Alison How could you do that? Do you think that was funny? You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that? You're an asshole!

Howard What are you talking about? Alison, I love you. What are you talking about?

Alison Howard, not everything is for your audience. I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us.

Howard I'm on the air 6 hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material. I hate going out.

Alison Too bad!

Howard I said when we came here, if I was gonna win on the radio, I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back.

Alison Howard...

Howard Come on, last night we were laughing about this. I just assumed you thought it was funny.

Alison It was funny for us last night. Privately, for us.

Howard Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air...

Alison Shut up. Shut up.

Howard The audience isn't gonna be there.

Alison Shut up! Shut up!

Howard I won't make any money.

Alison Shut up! You disgust me! I can't even look at you, idiot!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Kenny Pig Vomit’s Bold Declaration

Kenny Pig Vomit Rushton You are the Mother-fucking Antichrist!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Howard Stern Introduces Unique Traffic Report Segment

Howard Stern My name is Howard Stern, and welcome to the new morning show. And we have a new feature for you. This is, uh, something special. We have a traffic copter now here at WWWW. Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter. Mama, you there? Hello? Mama? Uh. Hello? Yes, hello. This is Mama Look-a boo boo day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, I'm proud to say. Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama. Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic? First, a political statement, if I may. Kill, Kill, Kill... The White Man, by Eugene Mama Look-a boo boo day. Eugene is my pen name cause I wrote this while I was in the pen. OK, here we go. Kill, kill, kill the white man. Kill him until he is dead. Kill the white man. Thank you.

[Helicopter sound effect; In Mama's voice; in his normal voice; in Mama's voice]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Urgent Decisions Amid Personal Priorities

Howard Hi, honey. Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua.

Alison Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up. Snap to it. I'm ovulating.

[taking off her clothes]

Howard I'm in the middle of important show research.

Alison Howard, seriously, come on.

Howard You know what? You're getting baby fever here. And you know, maybe it's a little premature. I'm about two days away from being fired, the way I figure it. And do you want to know something? You got to think about the economics of this.

Alison You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio. At any minute, you're gonna be number one.

Howard Is that so?

Alison Yeah! Strip!

Howard Let me tell you something. Look at yourself. You're completely on fire about having a baby. You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat. I mean, I have to be romanced.

Alison Oh, yeah. Please.

Howard Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that?

Alison You like this?

Howard OK. That's it. That's it! I am making a baby! It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby.

Alison Thank you.

Howard Hold on.

[pulls pants down and hops towards her]

Alison OK. Now I'm hot. Now I actually want to have sex. I didn't before and now I do.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Howard Stern's Role in the Lesbian Community

Howard Stern I am the hero of the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

A Strong Rejection of Howard Stern

Kenny Pig Vomit Rushton Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

A Humorous Take on Personal Disconnect

Howard Stern Howdy, cowpokes. Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, but I got to tell you something. I know a lot of you out there really love this music, but I just don't get it. Explain it to me. And maybe it's cause I went to college, and I never drove a truck and had sex with my daddy's sister, but...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I...I don't think I'm the man for this job. So this is your old pal Hopalong Howie saying I quit. I... I think I quit.

[while playing country music]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

A Conversation Between Howard and Betty Jean

Howard Hi. Is this Betty Jean Rushton?

Betty Jean Yes, it is.

Howard Betty Jean, hi. It's Howard Stern, W N BC. I work with your husband Kenny.

Betty Jean Yes. Kenny's mentioned you.

Howard Oh, I bet Kenny has. The reason I'm calling is because your husband has been very bitchy around here lately, and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex...

Betty Jean More sex?

Howard Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Unexpected Solutions in a Radio Broadcast

Howard I was not saying the call letters right. It's a big problem, so in order to rectify this, I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen.

Robin Semen?

Fred I squoze it myself. I hope it's not too tangy.

Robin And what are you gonna do with it?

Howard I'm gonna gargle with this and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.

Robin You think that'll work?

Howard I don't care, cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga.

Fred There she blows.

Howard Oh. Can you believe it?

Robin You just swallowed.

Howard I swallowed. Oh, my God.

Fred Waste not, want not, Robin.

Howard Oh! I wanna say I love W N BC. See? It worked. I can say it.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

A Puppy’s Journey to Being Housebroken

Kenny Pig Vomit Rushton This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Private Parts

Lesbians and Ratings: A Surprising Discovery

Howard Stern It was then that I made a startling discovery...Lesbians equal ratings.

Private Parts

Blame and Responsibility in Personal Failure

Howard I feel like such a loser.

Alison It's not your fault. It was a lame station.

Howard Yeah, it was my fault.

Alison You can't blame a radio station.

Howard It's my screwup.

Alison In what way?

Howard In a way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be. I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time. I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad. It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing. I should be talking about my personal life. I've got to get intimate. And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know? I just got to let things fly. I got to go all the way.

Alison You didn't go all the way before?

Howard No. I mean...No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.

Alison Then I guess you should go all the way.

Private Parts

Love and Respect in Relationships

Howard Stern You know, I could get this girl. I know I could get her. And this is the hell that's my life. I mean, think about it. What would it be like to have sex with her? It would be amazing. But I'm not going to act on it. You know why? Because I'd be a schmuck. No, because I love Alison. She stuck with me through the whole thing, you know? You gotta respect that. I think you have to respect that. You have to respect that.

Private Parts

Frustration Over Being Excluded from the Movie

Stuttering John Wait! Wait! Is that it? What, the movie's over? Oh, yeah? That's bullshit! Hi. You know who I am? Yeah, I'm Stuttering John. And you know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why. I've been getting up at 4:00 every morning to work for Howard. I've been pissing off every publicist, burning every freakin bridge in the industry, And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie! No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie! I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin his friggin potato! I've been smacked around by Morton Downey, punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get? I get fucking nothing! That's what I get! I'm not even in this fucking movie! He's says I'll be in the sequel! Yeah? What sequel? Suppose the movie sucks? Th-th-th-there won't even be any sequel!

Private Parts

Navigating Love and Trust in Relationships

Alison Howard...I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl. OK? And I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person with a somewhat abnormal job. That I can accept. I deal with abnormality every single day. I don't need everything in my life to be normal. And on the air, you do what you do. That's your job. But off the air, for me to be in this marriage...I need to know I'm the only one. And I'm not saying that to pressure you. I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself. So... if you need more time or whatever...

Howard I don't need any more time. I am just so madly in love with you. I don't... I don't need anyone else in my life. I never wanted anyone else in my life. All I want is you. I just want you to forgive me. Thanks for coming back.

Private Parts

Weather Forecast with a Twist

Howard Irene...the weather girl. Irene, are you there?

Irene It's cold, real cold, but your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping. Tongue. What do you think about that? Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot?

Howard Yeah. Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.

Irene Shut up.

Howard We hope to hear from you tomorrow...Give us some more weather.

Irene Bite me, you loser.

Private Parts

Controlling Chaos in Show Business

Kenny Uh, Mr. Erlick, if I may? Put me in charge of the Stern show. Let me ride herd on him, and I'll mold that son of a bitch into another Don Imus. When I'm through whipping him, that boy will be asking permission to wipe his ass.

Vin You want to tame him?

Kenny Well, either I'll tame him, or I'll make him so crazy...he'll quit. So either way, we win.

Private Parts

Describing a Program Director's Unflattering Nickname

Howard Stern I was in the program director's office. His name is Pig Vomit. Yes, because he looks like a pig, and he makes you want to vomit. He's Pig Vomit.

Private Parts

A Desperate Prayer for Revenge

Howard Stern I want to pray to God right now. Jesus Christ, who I love so much, more than anything in the whole world, I am begging you, please...send a hit man to the United States of America to kill Pig Vomit finally. Thank you. I love you, God. I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true.

Private Parts

Dream Job Opportunity in New York Radio

Howard Stern It's unbelievable. I got a job offer today from WNBC in New York. Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain, $150,000 a year. And they said if I do really well, they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country. This is it. This is everything I want. It's like...It's the dream, the Big Apple.

[to Alison]

Private Parts

Perception of Love and Physical Attraction

Howard Let me ask you something. You have the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?

Private Parts

Unexpected Moment in Radio History

Howard That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. Sans panties, sans bra.

Robin I am shocked.

Howard So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air.

Robin You've finally done it.

Howard Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that?

Mandy Thank you, Howard.

Howard Let me tell you something. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me and give me a massage while she is nude.

Robin What does a massage have to do with making it into history?

Howard Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. I just gotta get touched.

Private Parts

Unexpected Visitor in the Conversation

Imus You are interrupting me.

Kenny I have, uh, Howard Stern outside.

Imus You have who outside?

Kenny The young man from Washington that we...

Imus You have Howard Stern outside my fucking office? How did Howard Stern get outside my fucking office?

Kenny I brought him down...

Imus Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid fuck. He's nothing.

Imus Fuck off!

[to Howard]

Private Parts

Tensions Rise Over Creative Differences

Kenny You goddamn motherfuckers. You fucking waltz in here, and you think you know everything, don't you? Well, I fucking worked my fucking ass off to get to New York City, and you sure as fuck are not gonna fucking blow it for me!

Howard I was just doing character...

Kenny Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation for him, please.

Barry Page 108, paragraph 3: "No jokes dealing with flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions.

Jerry Also note paragraph 2: "No use of the so-called seven dirty words. These are cocksucker, motherfucker, fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy.

Kenny Now, from now on, all your little bits are gonna be under 2 minutes in duration, and all scripts...and I do mean all scripts...require my personal approval. Welcome to NBC, Howard.

Private Parts Quotes