17 quotes
Naming a Child with Humor
Chris Knight
Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Power Struggle in Academic Pressure
Jerry Hathaway
I want five megawatts by mid-May. Look, I don't care if you're arrogant. I don't care if you're disrespectful. But your attitude's distracting Mitch, and that I won't have. The rules have changed. I want it by mid-May.
Chris Knight
I think that you're just forgetting about one little detail, and that's that I am out of here. I'm gone, I'm history, I'm Casper, I'm graduating.
Jerry Hathaway
To graduate, you need my course, dear boy. So it seems I have something to say about what you do and where you go. So from now on you and Mitch are going to spend every waking moment in the lab. You will solve my power problem, and you will solve it by my deadline.
Chris Knight
OK, if you think that by threatening me, you can get me to be your slave, well... that's where you're right, but - and I'm only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Jerry Hathaway
I'm not kidding, Chris.
Chris Knight
Neither am I, Jerry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with Academic Focus and Lack of Fun
Chris Knight
Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Avoiding Responsibility Through Diversions
Taglines
It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Contemplating the Effects of Gravity Change
Chris Knight
Would you be prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I've got it. Nudity.
[to Mitch, as he is hanging upside down]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams and Uncommon Experiences Among Friends
Mitch
You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...
Chris Knight
Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch
No...
Chris Knight
Why am I the only one who has that dream?
Mitch
Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris Knight
You've seen him too?
Mitch
Who is he?
Chris Knight
Hollyfeld.
Mitch
Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris Knight
Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch
To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.
Chris Knight
Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.
Mitch
Yeah...
Chris Knight
Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Genius of Chris Knight in the 80s
Taglines
MEET CHRIS KNIGHT, THE EINSTEIN OF THE 80'S. He can turn the simple into the simply amazing, and now he turns revenge into high comedy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Standards in Unconventional Requests
Chris Knight
No seriously, listen...if there's ever anything I can do for you, or more to the point, to you, you let me know, okay?
Susan Decker
Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight
Not right now.
Susan Decker
A girl's got to have her standards.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questions About Hair and Adoption
Mrs. Taylor
Dr. Hathaway, I saw your program on radioactive isotopes last night, and I've got a question.
Jerry Hathaway
Yes?
Mrs. Taylor
Is that your real hair?
Jerry Hathaway
Tell me something. Is Mitch by any chance adopted?
Mrs. Taylor
Why, no!
Jerry Hathaway
Amazing.
Mrs. Taylor
Isn't it?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Intimidation and Friendship in Youth
Jerry Hathaway
Mitch, will you miss your friends?
Mitch
Well, no. I think I intimidate other kids.
Jerry Hathaway
Good boy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Creativity as a Response to Anger
Taglines
When he gets mad, he doesn't get even... he gets creative.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conversations on Confidence and Shock Treatments
Bodie
He said he didn't feel like it. And I said, "You'd better!" And he said, "Or what?" And I said, "Or you're gonna be in trouble." And he said, "Jam it.
Jerry Hathaway
That's a wonderful story, Bodie. I noticed you've stopped stuttering.
Bodie
I've been giving myself shock treatments.
Jerry Hathaway
Up the voltage.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Satellite Debris and a Funny Hat
Recruiter
Chris, this is my assistant, Sherry Nugil, and this is Mike Dodd, designer of our new Telcom satellite.
Chris Knight
Doctor Dodd! Telcom...Isn't that the satellite that's raining debris all over Europe?
[as if honored; Casually]
Dr. Dodd
Why is that toy on your head?
[sharply]
Chris Knight
Because, if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes.
[matter-of-factly]
Chris Knight
I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't want you guys to think I was stuffy. You know, no fun. All brain, no penis. I'm sorry, it was just an infantile response to authority.
[Looking at Sherry Nugil; Sherry laughs, Dodd and the recruiter look uncomfortable]
Recruiter
Yes. You are Chris Knight, aren't you?
[examines Chris' "visitor" tag]
Chris Knight
I hope so...I'm wearing his underwear.
[reflectively]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Warning About Unintended Consequences of Eating
Chris Knight
Don't eat that. Don't you know that eating that can give you very large breasts? Oh my God, I'm too late!
[to a girl at a party; looks down at her chest]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Family Revelations
Chris Knight
I'm sorry, but have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
[about Susan]
David Decker
She happens to be my daughter.
Chris Knight
Oh. Then I guess you have.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Alphabetical Order of Chaos
Chris Knight
You didn't touch anything, did you?
Mitch
No.
Chris Knight
Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under H for "toy.
Mitch
What is that?
Chris Knight
It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
Mitch
No!
Chris Knight
I'm kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Realization and Quoting the Immortal Words
Mitch
What are you doing?
Chris Knight
Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of ], who said, "... I drank what?
[[Socrates]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.