30 quotes
Unexpected Encounter with a Sci-Fi Twist
Gretchen
T.J.? Vince? What are you guys doing here?
T.J.
You're not gonna believe this, but…
Gretchen
Dematerialized"?!
[shocked]
T.J.
Just like out of Star Trek.
Gretchen
Fascinating.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Military Communication in Recess
Cadet
Call for you, sir.
[saluting and holding out a phone]
Captain Brad
Gimme that! Captain Brad here.
T.J.
Bradley, this is Colonel O'Malley.
Captain Brad
Colonel O'Malley?
T.J.
Your commanding officer!
Captain Brad
Yes, sir! Sorry, sir!
T.J.
I hear you've got a soldier there named Griswald. Good man, one of the best.
Captain Brad
He is?
[in disbelief]
T.J.
You heard me! He's officer material! I've had eyes on him for years. Now pay close attention, Bradley. I've got Griswald on special assignment tonight. So when he gets back to camp, just act like nothing's happened.
Captain Brad
Yes, sir!
T.J.
And you'd better start making his bed and spit-shining his shoes as well. That's all for now. Carry on. Okay, Spinelli, you're next.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Emergency at School Involves Principal Prickly
Vince
T.J., what are you doing here?
T.J.
You've got to come back to town. It's an emergency.
Vince
What? I can't just leave.
T.J.
Look, something weird is going on at the school. Principal Prickly got dematerialized!
Vince
Dematerialized"? T.J., you're crazy.
T.J.
Am I?
[holding up Principal Prickly's burnt golf shoes]
Becky
Mt. Van Buren? That's 20 miles away. I'm not taking you there.
T.J.
Dear Diary, I dreamed of Jimmy again. He was rocking me so gently, just like he rocks the grease off a basket of hot and steamy onion rings.
[takes out her diary; reading]
Vince
Whoa! Let me look at that.
Becky
Jerks.
[moans in annoyance]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation of Past Grievances and Insults
Benedict
A confiscated walkie-talkie. Why do you do these things to me, Pete? Do you enjoy tormenting me? Do you hate me?
[looking at T.J.'s walkie-talkie]
Prickly
I don't hate you, Phil. I just think you're insane!
Benedict
Insane". Well, there you go again, Pete. Insulting me, hurting my feelings, just like thirty years ago. Only this time, Petey, I'm ready. You see, all those years, no matter how big I got, no matter how successful, I always thought about you. HOW YOU EMBARRASSED ME! HOW YOU HUMILIATED ME! How you destroyed my relationship with Muriel Finster, THE ONLY WOMAN I EVER LOVED!
[laughs dryly; looking out Principal Prickly's office window; angrily]
T.J.
That part still grosses me out, sir.
[aside, to Prickly]
Prickly
Shh!
Benedict
But this time, Pete, I'm gonna humiliate you. This time, I'm gonna prove to the world that you were wrong and I was right!
Prickly
About what?
Benedict
About recess! About freedom! About test scores! I found a way to prove my theory. I'm gonna get rid of the biggest recess of em all! I am gonna get rid of summer vacation!
T.J.
You FIEND!
[enraged]
Benedict
Fiend". You try to help people, that's the thanks you've had.
Prickly
It'll never work, Phil.
Benedict
Well, actually, Pete, that's where you're wrong. You see, all I have to do is modify the moon's orbit ever so slightly... ...and tide levels on the Eastern Seaboard rise eight feet. Move the moon over here... ...and the currents that warm California suddenly become ice-cold. Summer, as we know it, will become a thing of the past. And without summer... no summer vacation.
[presses a red button on a remote and a holographic globe and moon rise up from the floor; presses the red button; presses the red button again; presses the red button, and the globe diagram grows icicles; T.J. and Prickly gasp in horror; grins evilly]
T.J.
You'll never get away with this, Benedict!
[angrily]
Benedict
Oh ja? Well, who's gonna stop me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Consequences of Losing Recess
Benedict
You took my chick. You took my job. Well, enjoy it while you can, Petey boy, cause you're gonna pay! Somehow, someway, you're gonna pay.
[threateningly vowing, in flashback]
Prickly
I never saw Phillium again. He quit teaching, went into politics. Eventually became Secretary of Education - until the President fired him for trying to get rid of recess again. Only this time it was nationwide.
T.J.
So that guy's some weirdo ex-teacher who wants to get rid of recess?
Prickly
Mm-hmm.
[nodding]
T.J.
Okay. Now it's personal.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mysterious Lights and a Chasing Figure
T.J.
Hey, Dad, what do they use the school for during the summer?
Mr. Detweiler
The school? They lock it up, it's empty. Why?
T.J.
Well, today when I was riding by the school, and I saw some green lights glowing in the window, then this big scary-looking bald guy chased me away.
Mr. Detweiler
Green lights glowing in the window you say? and A big scary-looking bald guy?
T.J.
Well, this really scary looking guy and--
Mrs. Detweiler
Oh, I'm sure he was just cleaning up.
T.J.
I don't know. I think something weird's going on in there. Something really weird.
Mrs. Detweiler
Mrs. LaSalle was right. We should've sent him to some kind of camp.
[sighs; to her husband]
T.J.
9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still guarding the school. 9:32-and-a-half A.M. Grownups wrong. School's not empty. 9:32 and three quarters. Green glow in window again. I'm going in for a closer look.
[takes out his tape recorder to take notes; looks through binoculars and sees some vehicles approaching; speaks into tape recorder; looks through binoculars, seeing a green light coming through the cafeteria windows; speaks into tape recorder]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ceremony of Crowning King Freddie II
King Bob
I, King Bob, as my last official act before entering middle school, hereby anoint this boy here King Freddie II. May you boss around all of the kids with fairness.
[takes off his helmet; places helmet on Freddie's head; stamps the letter "F" on the helmet; to King Freddie II]
Jerome
The King has graduated! Long live the King!
Captain Brad
Elbow up! Eyes forward! You call that kazoo playing?!
[shouting at the Safety Rangers]
Ashley B.
Ah, ceremony.
Ashley Q.
I'm, like, moved, Ashley A.
Ashley A.
Say what you want about their personal lives, Ashley Q. The royals have such style.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Creative Inventions and Teenage Moments
Vince
Infrared night vision, 200-to-1 zoom. I gotta hand it to you, Gretch. You can see the whole school with this thing.
[watching the school through night-vision digital camera]
Gretchen
You can make lots of handy devices out of the spare parts in a family's garage. Why, I once fashioned a particle accelerator out of a broken hair dryer and a four-slice toaster oven.
Spinelli
Tonight, the magical moment arrived. We met behind the drive-thru menu and kissed passionately as the sound of the deep fat fryer faded into the night." Man, I wish I had an older sister.
[reading Becky's diary; laughs along with Gus]
Mikey
Laugh if you will. I think it's beautiful.
T.J.
Sorry I'm late, guys. But I had to wait till my mom and dad fell asleep before I could sneak out with the goodies.
[showing up; holds up his backpack with roast beef and mashed potatoes in plastic bags]
Mikey
Roast beef and mashed potatoes! My favorite!
[gasps; scarfs down some roast beef]
T.J.
I also managed to swipe this.
[takes out a large tub of Rocky Road ice cream]
Mikey
Rocky Road! My other favorite!
[gasps again]
Spinelli
Hey, give me some of that!
Gretchen
Excuse me, but, aren't we supposed to eat dinner before dessert?
Spinelli
Good one, Gretch!
Vince
Man, you were right, T.J. This is the life.
Spinelli
Hanging out with your friends, eating ice cream, spying on bad guys.
Gus
It's the ultimate kid experience.
Gretchen
Too bad these days are numbered.
Vince
Yeah, this probably the last summer we'll get to do stuff like this.
T.J.
Kinda whomps, huh?
Spinelli
Hey, remember that summer after 2nd grade when we went down to the pond every day to catch minnows?
Gretchen
Or how about that summer we all carved our initials in that big tree in the Wilsons backyard?
Vince
And Spinelli spelled hers wrong.
Spinelli
Hey, I was seven, and S's are tricky. What's your problem? This is the first summer you've lived here.
[notices Gus sobbing]
Gus
I know. And I'll never have any of those memories.
[hugs his arms around Gretchen as she comforts him]
Mikey
Know what I'll never forget? That song T.J.'s sister taught us the first summer after Kindergarten.
T.J.
Oh, yeah. Back when she was nice.
[remembers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Searching for Proof of a Conspiracy
Vince
Okay, Teej, you were right. Something weird is going on in the school. And Prickly must be in on it.
Gus
I say we go to the police.
T.J.
I already went to the police. I went to everyone. Nobody'll listen.
Gretchen
What we need is proof.
Vince
Proof? How are we gonna get proof?
T.J.
I got a plan. A stakeout.
Vince
A stakeout?
T.J.
Yeah. We can stay up in my treehouse and watch the school every night until something happens.
Spinelli
Like one of them TV cop shows.
T.J.
Sure. And the next time those laser guys make a move, we'll catch em red-handed.
Gretchen
We can take pictures with my night-vision digital cam.
Gus
Then we call in the feds and, bang, we got em.
Vince
Only one problem-- what about camp?
Gus
Oh, yeah. If my dad finds out I've gone AWOL, he'll throw me in the brig till September.
T.J.
Not to worry. All I gotta do is get Becky to drive you guys back to camp in the morning, and then at night, we'll pick you up again. You'll be campers by day, spies by night.
Gus
But what if the camp counselors notice we're not there?
T.J.
Leave that to me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Future Taxpayer's Determination
T.J.
Laugh at me, will ya?! I'm gonna be a taxpayer someday!
[walks out of the police station]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ninja Warriors and School Conspiracy Concerns
Ms. Finster
I'm telling you, a troop of ninja warriors is using Third Street School as a secret jujitsu training ground!
[at the police station]
Cop #2
Ninja warriors. Elementary school. Jujitsu training ground? Hey, lady, aren't you forgetting the magic laser beam?
[writes down on his notepad while the other officer behind him, tries to hold in his laughter; The two cops laugh]
Ms. Finster
I'm SERIOUS!
Cop #1
So are we. Hey, I got an idea: why don't you go home, get some rest and we'll make a personal call to ]?
[[Jackie Chan]
Cop #2
Yeah, he's the perfect man for a job like this.
[The cops laugh again]
Ms. Finster
I'm telling ya, SOMETHING IS GOING ON IN THAT SCHOOL!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confiscated Walkie-Talkie Sparks Unexpected Discovery
T.J.
Dang! The line's dead. Hey, Principal Prickly, what did you do with the walkie-talkie you confiscated from me last week?
[picks up the phone to call for help]
Prickly
Top drawer, on the right. Just look what Phil's done to my office. I had it all nice and clean for the summer.
T.J.
Packs of gum, yo-yos, my old baseball… Hey, I've been looking for this. Ah, here it is, my walkie-talkie. Now all I gotta do is contact the guys and-- Oh, no.
[opens up the right top drawer of the desk and digs through; sees something shocking on the wall; horrified]
Prickly
What is it, Detweiler? I told em that guy was a nut.
[looks up at the wall; shocked]
T.J.
Hello? Hello, is anybody there?
[through walkie-talkie]
Vince
It's T.J.! T.J., buddy, you okay?
T.J.
Yeah, I'm fine, and so is Principal Prickly.
[on walkie-talkie]
Vince
Principal Prickly? But, how--
[through walkie-talkie]
T.J.
Look, I don't have time to explain, but I think we've figured out what Benedict is up to. He's trying… to get rid of summer vacation!
Mikey
NO!!!!!
[devastated]
T.J.
Guys, guys, don't freak out on me. I got a plan. All we gotta do is… Why, Mr. Bald Guy, what a surprise.
[Kojak/Bald Guy swipes the walkie-talkie out of his hands; chuckles nervously]
Spinelli
T.J.! T.J.!
Gretchen
It's dead!
Mikey
They must've got him!
Gus
What are we gonna do?! What are we gonna do?!
Vince
There's only one thing we can do… We gotta get help.
[determined]
Becky
Bow-wow! Good morning. Welcome to Floppy Burger. May I take your order, please?
[through speaker box]
Vince
Becky, this is Vince.
Becky
Vince? What are you doing here?
Spinelli
It's not just Vince. It's me, Gretchen, and everybody. We got a problem!
Becky
Yeah, well, I got a problem too… It's called six dweeby 10-year-olds who won't leave me alone, even when I'm at work. I am a professional! So whatever your little problem is, forget it!
Gretchen
But it's about T.J.
Gus
He's in trouble and he needs your help!
Becky
Well, isn't that nice? After stealing my diary, threatening to put it on the Internet, and making me drive across the state three times, he needs my help?! Give me one good reason why I should help him. Just one!
Mikey
Cause he's your little brother and he needs you.
[serious]
Becky
Please pull forward to the second drive-thru window.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Ninjas Cause Gus's Frustration
Gus
Ninjas! Why did they have to be ninjas?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ice Cream Incident at Recess
Miss Finster
My ice cream! Stop it! Stop it, I say! You little monsters are in trouble now! Just wait till Principal Prickly hears about this!
Principal Prickly
Attention, students, this is Principal Prickly talking.
[over speaker]
Miss Finster
Well, that was fast.
[impressed but surprised]
Principal Prickly
Some of you may have noticed ice cream on the playground. I want you to know that I will not stand for this. This ice cream should be eaten immediately.
Miss Finster
Huh?
[shocked]
Principal Prickly
In addition, I want you to all ignore Miss Finster, no matter what she says, about ice cream or anything else!
Miss Finster
This can't be happening.
[stunned]
Principal Prickly
Furthermore, I want to inform you all that I have a fat, saggy butt, which I like to scratch every hour on the hour.
T.J.
Also, I want to apologize to all of you, for being such a mean principal, taking away hall passes, giving guys recess detention, refusing to accept sick notes, just because it doesn't look like a guy's mom's signature, making kids stand at the wall for 10 whole minutes, with no break. Man, I feel ashamed of myself for all the terrible, rotten things I've done. And next year, I promise to-- Why, Principal Prickly, sir, what a surprise.
[pauses as a magnificent shadow looms over him; it is Principal Prickly, scowling at him; nervously]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tensions Rise in the Old Room
Vince
Hey, this is our old room.
[seeing that they've hidden in their old classroom]
Gus
I hope somebody's feeding the gerbil.
T.J.
Shh. I hear something.
[hearing voices talking]
Benedict
We're losing patience, people. I want this system working now. DO YOU HEAR ME?! NOW!
[echoing]
Lazenby
We're doing out best, sir. We've just run into a few technical difficulties.
[echoing]
Gretchen
It's coming from up there.
[points up to a vent]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Analyzing Advanced Technology in a School Setting
Benedict
That photon channeler is a piece of equipment! Like a carburettor in your car, for crying out loud! You're supposed to be a brilliant thinker! Do you know what brilliant thinkers are supposed to do? THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO THINK!
[yelling at one of his scientists offscreen]
Spinelli
Whoa, what is all this stuff?
Gretchen
Well, against the far wall is what looks to be a plutonium turbine. Closer ahead, you'll absorb a global electrode. To your right is the laser device we saw earlier, and of course, that glowing orb-- an electron pulse generator. Clearly, the nerve center of the entire system.
T.J.
Shh! The bad guys are talking.
[quietly]
Lazenby
But, Dr. Benedict, please--
Benedict
No, let me make this clear to you, Lazenby. We have a thing called a "window of opportunity". If we miss the window of opportunity, then the project fails! And if the project fails, then I get very, very ANGRY!
Fenwick
But they may have a point, sir. It seems the logistical problems are a bit more complicated than Dr. Steinheimer thought!
Steinheimer
Yes, it would be a lot easier if we could move the laser to a more appropriate location.
Benedict
This operation will be executed as planned, from right here! Have I made myself clear?!
Lazenby
But sir--
Benedict
NO BUTS! It started at Third Street, it is going to END at Third Street!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desperate Pleas Amidst Teenage Frustrations
T.J.
11:57 A.M. Principal Prickly dematerialized in horrifying field of electricity. The cops won't listen. Mom and Dad won't listen. I gotta get the guys together. It's the only way!
[runs back to his house after Principal Prickly got dematerialized; takes out his tape recorder; runs up to Becky's room for help]
Becky
Like, I am so through with him, Melissa. He asked me if I spoke French and then winked at me.
[on the phone]
T.J.
Becky, you gotta help me! I need a ride up to Chesterville, pronto!
Becky
Are you kidding? I'm not doing anything for you, you little dork.
T.J.
Oh, how I dream of the mustache fuzz on Jimmy's sweaty lips, glistening as he cooks in the light of a dozen hamburger heat lamps.
[takes her sister's diary out of his jacket pocket; clears throat and reads]
Becky
Hey, that's my diary! Give me that!
T.J.
Ah-ah-ah! I've got copies. Now either you give me a ride, or this baby hits the Internet.
T.J.
Thanks for driving me, Becky. You're the sweetest big sister a kid could ask.
Becky
And you are the annoying pet monkey I wish I never got!
T.J.
Hey, I try to keep things interesting. Oh, next rest stop, pull in. I gotta take care of business.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Chaos in the Schoolyard
Gretchen
People, people! Just quiet down for a moment!
[trying to get all the kids' attention]
Vince
Oh, man, nobody's listening.
Spinelli
They'll listen to me, once I introduce them to my good friend Madame Fist!
Vince
Come on, Spinelli. That's your answer for everything.
Spinelli
Well, I don't see you coming up with any great ideas, sports boy.
Mikey
Listen to the two of you. You're not helping things at all!
Gus
QUIET!!!!! What we need is a leader. A kid with the right training. A kid who knows strategy and field tactics. A kid who commands respect.
[yelling; Spinelli, Vince, and Mikey all look at him]
Vince
Yeah, but where we gonna find a kid like that?
Gus
Leave that to me.
Gretchen
Please! We have to get organized.
[whistles and all the kids finally get her attention]
Digger Sam
Ah, what's the use?
Ashley A.
Yeah. If what you say is true, all the fun of being a kid is, like, totally ruined anyway.
Upside-Down Girl
It's like the whole world's been turned right-side up!
Gretchen
Not necessarily. All we have to do is work together and come up with a plan.
Francis (Hustler Kid)
Detweiler's the one who always comes up with the plans.
Digger Sam
Yeah, let's face it, we're doomed!
Spinelli
That's what you think! Kids of the playground, meet your new commanding officer.
Captain Brad
Griswald? He couldn't lead a glee club!
[he and all the other kids laugh]
Gus
You find that funny, Bradley? Well, I'm not here to make jokes. I'm here to make history! So if you wanna laugh, take it somewhere else! But if you wanna save the world, then suck in your gut and stand at attention! Now who's with me?
[marches over to him as he stops laughing; sharply; Brad immediately stands at attention]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discovery of Principal Prickly's Golf Pants
T.J.
10:41 A.M. Gang back at camp. I'm going in alone. Hey. 10:43 A.M. I found what appear to be... Principal Prickly's golf pants?
[takes out tape recorder; looks both ways, then runs to the school, looking through the window, suddenly hears voices and quickly climbs into the dumpster to hide, and ends up finding a pair of orange golf pants; takes out tape recorder]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Snoop Accusation at School
Kojak/Bald Guy
Well, well, well, if it ain't the little snoop!
T.J.
What?! I ain't no snoop! 9:32 A.M. Ugly bald guy still guarding the school. Oops.
[Kojak/Bald Guy plays the tape recorder; voice on tape; chuckles nervously]
Kojak/Bald Guy
Let's go, snoop. You're in big trouble now.
T.J.
Ow! Ow! Hey, watch the jacket, it's cotton! Principal Prickly! You're alive!
[being dragged; gets thrown into a storage closet and sees Principal Prickly in a chair, with his hands tied behind his back and his mouth taped up; takes the tape off Prickly's mouth]
Principal Prickly
Ow! Would you be careful?!
T.J.
Boy, am I glad to see you, sir? You won't believe what these guys are doing in the auditorium. They got this big laser gun and-- Whoa, who took your pants?
[notices him in his golf underwear]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Technical Difficulties in Communication
Benedict
Dr. Rosenthal, why did the beam suddenly, uh, what's the technical word for it, um, stop?!
Rosenthal
W-Well, err, as I believe you were told before--
[nervously]
Benedict
Told before"? Do you think I care what I was told before?
[scoffs and approaches him threateningly]
Rosenthal
Please, sir, I-I'll do better next time--
Benedict
Next time"! Isn't that cute? Rosenthal, let me ask you something. Say you were a teacher, or even better, say, the principal of a school, and you had to deal with a delinquent student, a naughty child who didn't know his place, who kept telling you over and over that he'd do better "next time" - but he never did. What would you do?
Rosenthal
Oh, no... n-not detention! Not detention!
[in terror]
Benedict
Take him away!
[to his guards]
Rosenthal
No, please, I can fix it! DON'T DO THIS TO MEEEE...!
[as the guards drag him out]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern Over T.J.'s Claims of Danger
T.J.
MOM! MOM!
[running back to his house, after discovering what is going on in the school; accidentally runs into the sliding glass door]
Mrs. Detweiler
T.J.! Are you all right?
T.J.
Mom! There's guys at the school! They're doing some kind of evil experiment!
Mrs. Detweiler
Oh, dear. That bonk on the head must have rattled your little brain.
T.J.
But, Mom--
Mrs. Detweiler
You're feverish! You wait right here. I'll go get the baby thermometer and the petroleum jelly.
[feeling his head]
T.J.
Uh... Dad, Dad! Dad!
[He runs to the garage, where his father is fixing the car.]
Mr. Detweiler
What is it, boy?
T.J.
Those evil bad guys have got a laser beam, and they're lifting the safe--
Mr. Detweiler
T.J., did you run into the sliding glass door again?
[rolls out from under the car]
T.J.
No, but-- Yeah, but-- GAAAH!
[frustrated; runs off]
Mr. Detweiler
Come back! Your mom's gonna want to take your temperature!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Joys of Summer Vacation
Vince
Man, T.J., that prank was sweet.
Spinelli
Yeah, you should've seen the look on Finster's face. I thought she was gonna blow a gasket.
Mikey
Those limesicles were tasty.
T.J.
A tasty beginning to a tasty summer. Twelve weeks of nothing but riding bikes, hanging out at the lake and T.P.-ing the West Side Golf Course. Summer vacation, the ultimate recess.
Vince
Yeah, I can't wait to get to baseball camp.
T.J.
Baseball camp? What are you talking about?
[stops walking; having to have heard that]
Spinelli
Actually, T.J., I'm gonna be out of town too. See, the Big Time Wrestling Federation has this training camp, and I gotta learn some new moves if I'm ever gonna turn pro.
T.J.
But, Spinelli.
Gus
It's Military Camp for me. My dad says I need to learn to be a leader.
Gretchen
I shall be attending the Mt. Van Buren Space Camp. Don't wanna let those science geeks get ahead of me.
T.J.
You mean, you're all going to camp?
Mikey
Not me.
T.J.
Thank goodness.
[relieved, or so he thought]
Mikey
The Young Voices Training Program doesn't like the word "camp." They provide opportunities for aspiring singers to train their voices in a rigorous yet supportive setting.
T.J.
But summer's gonna be ruined. What am I gonna do? Play baseball by myself? Watch reruns? Read?!
Vince
Sorry, man, but we gotta think about our future.
Spinelli
Yeah, we can't waste the whole summer just fooling around like kids.
T.J.
But we are kids!
Gretchen
Actually, as of the completion of fourth grade, we are technically considered pre-young adults.
Mikey
And next year we won't even be pre.
T.J.
But… All right, let's make the most of the time we've got left. When do you all leave?
[sighs; understanding his friends are right]
Vince
First thing in the morning.
T.J.
Oh, man.
Gretchen
Well, there's my bus. Better get going.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncovering Secrets in a Personal Date Book
Gretchen
There must be something in here that'll explain what that Dr. Benedict is doing.
Spinelli
Well, I'll tell you one thing he's not doing-- he's not having lunch tomorrow at 12:22 with his little girlfriend.
[erases the entry in a datebook; giggling]
Mikey
Spinelli, that's the man's personal date book.
Spinelli
Well, it's mine now, and I guess Miss Luna Pergum is gonna be waiting at the restaurant all by herself.
Gretchen
Who did you say?
[hearing that name before]
Spinelli
The girl whose name is in here-- Luna Pergum. Must be some Italian chick.
Gretchen
Lunae Perigeum, of course!
[snatches the book out of her hands]
Vince
What are you talking about, Gretchen?
Gretchen
Don't you understand? Lunae Perigeum is no lady. It's an event. Look. Once a month, the moon reaches the point where it's closest to the Earth-- lunar perigee, which in this case happens to be 12:22 tomorrow afternoon.
Gus
Hey, maybe that's when that doctor guy is gonna shoot his laser beam at the moon and blow it up.
Gretchen
Close, Gus, but I have another theory. See, when I was up at Space Camp, I observed some strange abnormalities in the moon's position. I couldn't figure out what was causing it, but now it all makes sense! Dr. Benedict's device is not a laser beam at all. It's a tractor beam!
Mikey
You mean he's gonna plow the moon's surface? Whatever will he plant?
Spinelli
Not a tractor, you goombah. A tractor beam. Like from a science fiction movie.
Gretchen
Precisely. But see, theoretically, if the powerful tractor beam will shot at the moon exactly at lunar perigee, it could move the moon into another orbit.
Vince
Move the moon? But why would anybody want to do that?
Gretchen
Who knows, Vince? Who knows?
[gazes up at the moon in the night sky]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Locked in a Birdcage During Crisis
T.J.
Help! Help! Somebody get us out of here!
Prickly
Calm down, Detweiler. I've got the--
T.J.
Calm down?! We're locked in a giant birdcage while a madman is out there trying to destroy summer vacation, and you want me to calm down?!
Prickly
I understand, but I--
T.J.
How can you understand?! You're just a grownup! What do YOU know about summer vacation?!
Prickly
I'll let you in on a little secret, Detweiler. Every adult you've ever known was a kid at some time in his life. You think we don't remember summer vacation? Riding bikes down by the creek, catching polliwogs in a jar, camping out under the stars? Well, you're wrong! Some days, I sit there in my office, looking out at you kids on the playground and I think, "They don't know how good they've got it. In a few years, they're all going to be grown-ups like me, and all those good times will be memories for them too". So go ahead. Put a whoopie-cushion in my chair. Cover my carpet with fake vomit. Make fun of my "big, saggy butt". But don't you ever say I don't care about summer vacation, because those memories are the last part of childhood I've got left.
[stands and puts his hands akimbo; pause]
T.J.
Principal Prickly... I had no idea...
[surprised and moved]
Prickly
Yeah? Well, now you do. So let's stop messing around.
[holds up keys]
T.J.
Hey! How did you get those keys?
Prickly
Swiped them off Phillium's desk when he wasn't looking. Now come on - we've got a summer vacation to save!
[unlocking the cage door]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mystery of the Missing Principal Unfolds
Gretchen
Double-knit polyester. These are Prickly's all right.
[examining the pants with a magnifying glass]
Spinelli
But why would the bald guy wanna pretend to be Principal Prickly?
Vince
And where's the real Principal Prickly anyway?
Gretchen
Wait a minute. There's something in here. "Help me?
[digs into in the pants' pocket, feeling something inside; pulls out a note that reads…]
Mikey
It sounds like a desperate cry for help!
Vince
Then Principal Prickly must still be in the school.
Gus
Being held captive!
T.J.
You know what that means, don't you guys? We gotta go in there and save him. Bikes?
[determined; he and his friends gear up with weapons and gadgets]
Vince
Check.
T.J.
Walkie-talkie?
Gus
Check.
T.J.
Rope with pointy thing?
Mikey
Check.
[holding the rope with a grappling hook]
T.J.
Good. Then let's go.
Spinelli
I still say this is nuts. I mean, breaking out of the school I understand, but breaking in?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Sense of Urgency Among Friends
Vince
We gotta get out of here!
Mikey
Uh-oh.
[has the sudden feeling he's about to burp]
T.J.
What is it?
Mikey
I got that feeling, T.J.!
Spinelli
Hold it in, big guy. Hold it in!
Mikey
I can't!
[covers his mouth and belches so loud, it echoes throughout the auditorium]
Fenwick
What was that?
[hearing that]
Benedict
Someone had better say, "Excuse me." Fenwick, who let children into the school?
[the air vent above fails, dumping the gang to the floor; Benedict and his men stare at them]
Fenwick
Uh, not me, sir.
Benedict
WELL, GET THEM!
T.J.
RUN!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Familiar Face from the Past
Benedict
Hello, Pete. Remember me?
[smirking]
Prickly
Well, well, if it isn't Phillium Benedict. I should have known you'd be the one behind this.
[frowning]
T.J.
Principal Prickly, you know this guy?
Benedict
Ah, Pete and I are old pals. Only the last time we saw each other, he was the one ruining my life. Hey, by the way, Pete, you like the suit? It's Italian, raw silk - nice, huh?
Prickly
Yeah, you always were more concerned about appearances than people, Phil.
Benedict
Oh, Pete, come on, there's no need to be rude! Not after I instructed my men to take such special care of you.
Prickly
Special care"?! That's what you call gagging me, tying me up and taking away my pants?!
Benedict
Had to, Pete. Otherwise you might run off and betray me, like you did the last time! But, hey, you know, look at the bright side. At least you've got company now.
[ruffles T.J.'s head]
Prickly
Let the boy go, Phil. He can't do anything to you.
Benedict
Same old noble Pete. Always standing up for the rights of children.
[signs]
T.J.
You?
[surprised, to Prickly]
Prickly
Well, uh...
[shrugging]
Benedict
But unfortunately, I can't let anybody go right now. You see, this experimental, um... night school that I'm running is kind of a secret. I'm trying to show that my... adult students can be trained to be capable and productive members of society.
T.J.
Oh yeah?! Well, if you're just running a "night school", then what's that giant laser gun doing in the auditorium?!
Benedict
What a rude and badly dressed little boy you are. You know, you should teach your pupils a little respect for their superiors, Pete. But that would mean that you'd have to know how to teach them anything at all, wouldn't it?
[contemptuously; turns back to Prickly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unbelievable Claims of Ninja Warriors and Lasers
Cop #1
So you're saying you just escaped from a troop of ninja warriors?
Vince
That's right!
Cop #2
And they got a giant laser gun in the school's auditorium?
Gretchen
Precisely!
Cop #1
Which is aimed at the moon?
Mikey
Thank heavens you understand!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Secret Plan Unfolds Among Friends
T.J.
Thanks a lot, sis.
Becky
You owe me gas money.
[grumpily; drives off]
Spinelli
Okay, Teej, what's this big secret plot of yours?
T.J.
Follow me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.