Short Circuit (1986) - Quotes

Life's Purpose Beyond Malfunction

Taglines: Life is not a malfunction.

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No. 5 Experiences Awakening to Life

Taglines: Something wonderful has happened...No. 5 is alive.

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Unexpected Attention from a Lunch Wagon Caller

Howard: I got a phone call from that loony in the lunch wagon. She wants to see you. Only you.

Crosby: She does?

Ben: Oh, her pants are blazing for you, Newton Crosby!

Crosby: Will you grow up?!

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Debate Over Number 1's Importance

Howard: Hey! Who told you you could take Number 1?!

Crosby: Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number 5, this is the best weapon we could have.

Howard: Great. Great! So, instead of $11,000,000 on the loose, we're gonna have 22.

Ben: And plus, we are needing gas money.

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Origins of Identity and Heritage

Crosby: Where are you from, anyway?

Ben: Bakersfield, originally.

Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors.

Ben: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.

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Defining Home in Unlikely Circumstances

Stephanie: We have to get you home.

Number 5: This, home! Stephanie, home!

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Debate Over Sunrise's Beauty

Number 5: Beautiful! Lightbulb!

Stephanie: No; sunrise!

Number 5: Beautiful! No, sunrise!

Stephanie: No: beautiful sunrise!

Number 5: [turns] Beautiful! Sunrise! Beautiful animal! Mammal! Canine! Dog! Mutt!

Stephanie: Beasley!

Number 5: Beasley!

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Debate on Handling a Potential Threat

Howard: [after Number 5 refuses to return to base] Oh, my God. It's not coming back. We've gotta destroy it.

Crosby: No. Howard, you're overreacting. You can't.

Ben: Look, let us at least try to catch it first.

Crosby: Yeah. We'll panic later. Okay?

Howard: What if you don't catch it? What if it goes out and melts down a busload of nuns?! How would you like to write the headline on that one?!

Ben: Nun Soup"?

Crosby: [covers Ben's mouth] BEN!

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Understanding Machine Emotions and Limitations

Ben: Unable. Malfunction".

Howard: How can it refuse to turn itself off?

Skroeder: Maybe it's pissed off.

Crosby: It's a machine, Skroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.

Ben and Crosby: It just runs programs.

Howard: It usually runs programs.

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Ben Jabituya's Playful Challenge to Newton Crosby

Ben Jabituya: [retreats] Eat my dust, Newton Crosby. Let us break wind!

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Charity Decisions by a Priest, Minister, and Rabbi

Newton Crosby: [tells a joke to Number 5; [golf; [charity; [money; [God] There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing ], and they're trying to decide how much to give to ]. So the priest says, "We'll draw a circle on the ground, we'll throw the ] way up in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to charity." The minister says, "No. We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No, no, no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever ] wants, he keeps!

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Unintended Purpose of Technological Creation

Newton Crosby: Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.

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Confidence in Being Chosen

Stephanie Speck: [sees Number 5 in her truck at night] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!

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Introducing Newton Crosby, Ph.D.

Number 5: [repeated line] Newton Crosby, Ph.D.!

Humorous Insult from Number 5

Number 5: [blows a raspberry] Hey, Laser Lips! your mama was a Snow Blower!

Unexpected Weapon Combinations in Short Circuit

Number 5: [crushes gun] Colt 45, semi-automatic. Clay dough.

Number 5 Expresses Frustration and Humor

Number 5: Jerk of the world, turkey, idiot, pain in the ass!

Consequences of Betrayal and Friendship

Number 5: [in mock-Italian accent; [law; normal voice] Disassemble! Frankie, ya broke the unwritten ]. Ya ratted on your friends. You do that, Frankie, your enemies don't respect ya. You got no friends no more. You got nobody, Frankie. Pretty good, huh?