Small Soldiers (1998) - Quotes

Call to Action in Small Soldiers

Voice actors: [[w:Harry Shearer|Harry Shearer] ] - Punch-It

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Character Reflection on Power and Control

Voice actors: [[w:Michael McKean|Michael McKean] ] - Insaniac/Troglokhan

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Character Reflection in Small Soldiers

Voice actors: [[w:Christopher Guest|Christopher Guest] ] - Slamfist/Scratch-It

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The Impact of Technology on Warfare

Voice actors: [[w:Bruce Dern|Bruce Dern] ] - Link Static

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Character Reflection in Small Soldiers

Voice actors: [[w:Clint Walker|Clint Walker] ] - Nick Nitro

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A Character's Perspective on Combat and Strategy

Voice actors: [[w:George Kennedy|George Kennedy] ] - Brick Bazooka

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Butch Meathook's Perspective on Conflict

Voice actors: [[Jim Brown] ] - Butch Meathook

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Character Reflection in Small Soldiers

Voice actors: [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine] ] - Kip Killigan

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Archer's Perspective on Conflict and Strategy

Voice actors: [[w:Frank Langella|Frank Langella] ] - Archer

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A Soldier's Determination in Battle

Voice actors: [[Tommy Lee Jones] ] - Chip Hazard

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The Consequences of Advanced Technology

Taglines: [from theatrical trailer; [Cold War] GloboTech Defense Systems. In a secret lab, the world's most advanced military microprocessor has been created. But the ] is over. For GloboTech to survive, new markets must be found. Now, all that power has been placed into the brain of a fighting machine unlike any known to man. They made it strong. They made it clever. They made it... small. They made... a mistake.

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The Few, The Proud, And The Small

Taglines: The few, the proud, and the small.

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Big Action and Trouble with Small Soldiers

Taglines: Big Action! Big Trouble! Big Movie! Small Soldiers!

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Concerns Over Chips and Electromagnetic Pulse

Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

Stuart Abernathy: I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.

Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?

Larry Benson: It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.

Stuart Abernathy: Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.

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Negotiation Turns Hostile in Small Soldiers Scene

Phil Fimple: [[w:Gorgonzola|Gorgonzolas] Hi! I'm Phil Fimple. I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the, uh... ]. Now here's our proposal: take them!

Insaniac: [listening from inside; [w:Benedict Arnold|Arnold Benedict!] Hey! He's selling us down the river! The guy's a regular ]

Phil Fimple: [notices speakers covered by a net] I mean, switch em off, take em apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you... people do. Hey... is that my JVC?!

Chip Hazard: There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy! All Gorgonite scum must die!

Link Static: Yeah! Bomb em all the way back to preschool!

Chip Hazard: Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!

Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?

Larry Benson: Seven Gorgonites and nine people.

Phil Fimple: [nervously] Well, you heard our proposal...

Stuart Abernathy: [opening the door] Phil, get in here! Hurry!

Chip Hazard: These negotiations are over!

Chip Hazard: We are the Commando Elite! Everything else... is just a toy!

Alan Abernathy: What are they doing?

Irene Abernathy: Psychological warfare.

Christy Fimple: [[w:Manuel Noriega|Noriega] The Marines did this against ].

Marion Fimple: Phil? Phil!

Phil Fimple: What?

Marion Fimple: I love this song!

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Debate on Reality of Living Toys

Phil Fimple: [pointing at Archer; [w:Fairy with Turquoise Hair|Blue Fairy; [w:Talking Cricket|talking cricket?!] Is this entire household insane?! He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the ] drops by with a ]

Christy Fimple: Dad, he's telling the truth!

Phil Fimple: He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.

Slamfist: [listening in from a shelf] You can't change programming.

Marion Fimple: [still intoxicated] Look! Another one...

Alan Abernathy: See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.

Phil Fimple: That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.

Stuart Abernathy: Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.

Irwin Wayfair: Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?

Timmy Fimple: [points at Alan] That's Alan, right there.

Larry Benson: How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.

Irwin Wayfair: There's a chance they might be... defective.

Larry Benson: But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.

Stuart Abernathy: Oh, there's reasons!

Alan Abernathy: There is a problem with the Commandos.

Larry Benson: Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.

Stuart Abernathy: YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!

Irene Abernathy: Stuart--

Stuart Abernathy: [to Phil] Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. And you! You owe my son an apology!

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Dolls Engage in Lighthearted Conversation

Alan Abernathy: Are you all right?

Gwendy Doll 1: All my make-up is cruelty-free!

Gwendy Doll 2: You come here often?

Gwendy Doll 3: Will you take me to the prom?

Gwendy Doll 4: [wielding blades] If you can't accessorize, pulverize!

Gwendy Doll 5: You've been a bad boy! And now you must be punished!

Gwendy Doll 6: Watch out, girls! Hissy fit!

Gwendy Doll 5: [still threatening Alan] You're to die for!

Gwendy Doll 7: Run! She's got a baton!

Gwendy Doll 8: [[w:Bataan Death March|Baton Death March!] It's a ]

Gwendy Doll 9: She's gone postal!

Gwendy Doll 10: Oh, I broke a nail...

Christy Fimple: I ALWAYS HATED THESE THINGS!

Gwendy Doll 11: Oh, the humanity!

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The Potential and Pitfalls of Advanced Technology

Ralph Quist: The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.

Irwin Wayfair: [nervously; [artificial intelligence] Wh-What are you talking about, ]?

Ralph Quist: No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project!

Irwin Wayfair: Ah-ha, so there is a flaw in the chips.

Ralph Quist: Well... they're a little sensitive to EMP.

Irwin Wayfair: [[w:Electromagnetic pulse|Electromagnetic pulse] EMP? ]?

Ralph Quist: [scoffs; [w:House of Medici|Medicis; [w:Michelangelo|Michelangelo; sneezes] Yeah, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive! They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. Did the ] ever tell ] "Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost-effective, here's a bag of cement"?! I think not!

Irwin Wayfair: Gesundheit.

Ralph Quist: Thank you.

Larry Benson: Look, there really shouldn't be any problem, right? Just because the chips can learn.

Ralph Quist: Am I not being clear? They can learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it from within. So, if you've got a problem, it's in your software.

Concerns About Toy Safety and Standards

Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

Larry Benson: [realizing] How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- Oh.

Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"?

Larry Benson: What?

Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh.

Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh.

Irwin Wayfair: Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?

Larry Benson: No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right--

Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh"!

Larry Benson: Oh.

Irwin Wayfair: Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?

Larry Benson: They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.

Irwin Wayfair: [looks up the chips on his computer; shocked] They were designed for the Department of Defense. You put munitions chips in toys?!

Toy Conflict and Customer Service Disappointment

Alan Abernathy: [on the phone to Globotech] The Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store and destroyed the Gorgonites!

GloboTech Telephone Operator: The Commando Elite are designed to fight the Gorgonites.

Alan Abernathy: They didn't fight them, they destroyed them, and now they're gone!

GloboTech Telephone Operator: I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems does not replace lost toys.

Alan Abernathy: I didn't lose them! Look, is there a machine I can talk to? Just transfer me to a machine!

GloboTech Telephone Operator: Bye. Have a nice day, ma'am.

Alan Abernathy: [aghast] I'm not a "ma'am"!

Innovative Ideas for Next-Generation Toys

Gil Mars: [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore; [Abraham Lincoln; [w:Claudia Schiffer|Claudia Schiffer] Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of ] and parking on top of ]'s head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like ] after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.

Irwin Wayfair: Well, that's an interesting idea.

Gil Mars: [[w:Eveready Battery Company|Eveready] Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at ].

Larry Benson: [chuckles] Yeah. Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy.

Gil Mars: Everything else is just a toy.

Larry Benson: Th-That's good, too. Sure.

Irwin Wayfair: Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--

Larry Benson: Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.

Gil Mars: We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.

The Disillusionment of Corporate Reality

Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?

Irwin Wayfair: [[Toys; [joy; [profit] I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland ] has a long tradition of bringing ] to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about ]s. I think it sucks.

Larry Benson: [[Earth] Welcome to ], Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well, the real world sucks.