Soapdish (1991) - Quotes

A Comedic Take on Deception and Drama

Taglines: A Deliciously Malicious Comedy.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Glamour and Dirt in Show Business

Taglines: All that glitter... All that glamour... All that dirt.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dramatic Revelations in a Soap Opera

Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up] WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!

Jeffrey Anderson: I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me?!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage, delighted] This is what I meant. This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera!

Jeffrey Anderson: Doctor!

Ariel Maloney: A second opinion... this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

Rose Schwartz: [German accent] Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigation, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead. Because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.

Rose Schwartz: [normal voice] Hello.

Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage] She's a boy!

David Barnes: [starts gagging] Yeah, well we knew that.

Edmund Edwards: Are you okay?

David Barnes: [weak voice] I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Unexpected Reactions in a Heated Moment

Lori Craven: MOTHER!

Lori Craven: No, I can't let you do this!

Burton White: [off stage] She spoke?

Jeffrey Anderson: She spoke!

Montana Moorehead: Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

Lori Craven: I can always speak! Mother...

Montana Moorehead: She's MY mother!

Celeste Talbert: MONTANA, SHUT UP!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Unexpected Lunch Encounter and Test Results

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?

Jeffrey Anderson: The test results have come back.

Celeste Talbert: And?

Jeffrey Anderson: [pause] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

Burton White: What the hell?

David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!

Celeste Talbert: Brain fever!

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall; they both goggle at the word] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

Celeste Talbert: Literally explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: Exactly, within the next three houses.

Celeste Talbert: Hours?

Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

Celeste Talbert: Restaurant?

Jeffrey Anderson: Restaurant, yes.

Celeste Talbert: Her brain will actually explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Motherhood and Recognition in Soapdish

Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?

Lori Craven: I know that speech.

Celeste Talbert: You do?

Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Miscommunication Among Characters in Soapdish

David Barnes: I was under orders.

Celeste Talbert: [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler] So - was - ]! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.

David Barnes: [[Heinrich Himmler|Himmler] ].

Celeste Talbert: No, no, no.

David Barnes: [[Rudolf Hess|Hess] ].

Rose Schwartz: [[Adolf Eichmann|Eichmann] ].

David Barnes: Eichmann.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hat Dispute Among Friends

Lori Craven: [bursting into David's office; to Montana] We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird. Do you mind?

Montana Moorehead: You, you're asking me to leave?

Lori Craven: That's right. I'm asking you to leave.

Montana Moorehead: David...

David Barnes: Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?

Montana Moorehead: [storms out] No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally. I hate you! I hate you, you pig!

David Barnes: She's got a lot of spirit.

Lori Craven: She's a deranged bitch!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Complicated Family Secret Unraveled

Celeste Talbert: [sobbing; [w:tuberculosis|TB] Oh, God! I got pregnant, and I was so young! And the show made me sign a paper saying I'd never mention the baby! So I... I went home to Iowa, and I had you, and I gave you to Grandma to raise, and I made up a twin sister Simone who died in a car wreck and said she was your actual mom! And then the show told everyone I had ] and sent my character to a sanitarium in Tierra del Fuego...

Rose: [to herself] Now why can't I write shit like this?

Celeste Talbert: [still sobbing; sobs louder] After I... After I came back from having Lori, I was terrible to you, I know that, I know that, I know that! All right? I blamed you for messing up my whole life, so I had you written off the show so you'd disappear - and you did! And now you're all back, and I've ruined three lives! THREE LIVES! Me, America's Sweetheart! Oh, God...!

David Barnes: [checks that the cameras are still rolling] This is fucking great!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Disagreement Over Who Can Kiss Whom

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I can kiss her!

Lori Craven: This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

Celeste Talbert: No! You can't! You can't kiss her!

Jeffrey Anderson: Why because she's your niece?

Celeste Talbert: [shouts] No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.

Lori Craven: What?

Jeffrey Anderson: What are you talking about?

Celeste Talbert: [sobbing] We're her parents! You and I! We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

Flirtation and Confidence in a New Encounter

Ariel Maloney: New boy in town?

Jeffrey Anderson: Just got off the choo-choo... you have beautiful eyes.

Ariel Maloney: They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime.

A Playful Suggestion During Dinner

Betsy Faye Sharon: Very, very good, Mark. And very true. I love what you're doing. I just, I think if we could try it one more time, and this time... I don't know... maybe try one without your shirt.

Mark: Sure.

Mark: Will you be having wine with dinner?

Betsy Faye Sharon: [lustily] I think we've found our waiter!

Supporting Family Through Difficult Times

Edmund Edwards: [about Lori] She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.

Rose Schwartz: Yeah.

Edmund Edwards: We have to love her.

Rose Schwartz: Mmm.

Edmund Edwards: We have to care about her.

Rose Schwartz: Mmm.

Edmund Edwards: And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.

Actress Encounter with a Dismissive Rival

Lori Craven: Hi. Uh, I'm Lori Craven and... I'm an actress.

Betsy Faye Sharon: An actress! Really! How nice for you! I'm Betsy Faye Sharon and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.

Thanking the Cast Amidst Playful Insults

Celeste Talbert: [accepting an award] Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...

Ariel Maloney: Bitch!

David Barnes: Hag!

Montana Moorehead: I hate her so much!

Concerns About Show's Declining Ratings

Edmund Edwards: I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap.