17 quotes
Disagreement Over Who Can Kiss Whom
Jeffrey Anderson
Of course I can kiss her!
Lori Craven
This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!
Celeste Talbert
No! You can't! You can't kiss her!
Jeffrey Anderson
Why because she's your niece?
Celeste Talbert
No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.
[shouts]
Lori Craven
What?
Jeffrey Anderson
What are you talking about?
Celeste Talbert
We're her parents! You and I! We're her Mommy and her Daddy.
[sobbing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Motherhood and Recognition in Soapdish
Celeste Talbert
I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?
Lori Craven
I know that speech.
Celeste Talbert
You do?
Lori Craven
Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Supporting Family Through Difficult Times
Edmund Edwards
She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.
[about Lori]
Rose Schwartz
Yeah.
Edmund Edwards
We have to love her.
Rose Schwartz
Mmm.
Edmund Edwards
We have to care about her.
Rose Schwartz
Mmm.
Edmund Edwards
And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Comedic Take on Deception and Drama
Taglines
A Deliciously Malicious Comedy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dramatic Revelations in a Soap Opera
Montana Moorehead
WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
[as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up]
Jeffrey Anderson
I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me?!
Edmund Edwards
This is what I meant. This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera!
[offstage, delighted]
Jeffrey Anderson
Doctor!
Ariel Maloney
A second opinion... this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Rose Schwartz
Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigation, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead. Because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.
[German accent]
Rose Schwartz
Hello.
[normal voice]
Montana Moorehead
NO! NO! NO!
[shouts and runs off]
Edmund Edwards
She's a boy!
[offstage]
David Barnes
Yeah, well we knew that.
[starts gagging]
Edmund Edwards
Are you okay?
David Barnes
I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.
[weak voice]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Show's Declining Ratings
Edmund Edwards
I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reactions in a Heated Moment
Lori Craven
MOTHER!
Lori Craven
No, I can't let you do this!
Burton White
She spoke?
[off stage]
Jeffrey Anderson
She spoke!
Montana Moorehead
Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!
Lori Craven
I can always speak! Mother...
Montana Moorehead
She's MY mother!
Celeste Talbert
MONTANA, SHUT UP!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Hat Dispute Among Friends
Lori Craven
We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird. Do you mind?
[bursting into David's office; to Montana]
Montana Moorehead
You, you're asking me to leave?
Lori Craven
That's right. I'm asking you to leave.
Montana Moorehead
David...
David Barnes
Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?
Montana Moorehead
No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally. I hate you! I hate you, you pig!
[storms out]
David Barnes
She's got a lot of spirit.
Lori Craven
She's a deranged bitch!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Lunch Encounter and Test Results
Celeste Talbert
Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
[as Maggie]
Jeffrey Anderson
I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.
[as Dr. Randall]
Edmund Edwards
This guy never heard of contact lenses?
[offstage]
Jeffrey Anderson
The test results have come back.
Celeste Talbert
And?
Jeffrey Anderson
And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
[pause]
Burton White
What the hell?
David Barnes
Brain fever!
[offstage]
Edmund Edwards
Say it!
[offstage, loudly]
Celeste Talbert
Brain fever!
Jeffrey Anderson
Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
[as Dr. Randall; they both goggle at the word]
Celeste Talbert
Literally explode?
Jeffrey Anderson
Exactly, within the next three houses.
Celeste Talbert
Hours?
Jeffrey Anderson
Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Celeste Talbert
Restaurant?
Jeffrey Anderson
Restaurant, yes.
Celeste Talbert
Her brain will actually explode?
Jeffrey Anderson
Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Flirtation and Confidence in a New Encounter
Ariel Maloney
New boy in town?
Jeffrey Anderson
Just got off the choo-choo... you have beautiful eyes.
Ariel Maloney
They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Among Characters in Soapdish
David Barnes
I was under orders.
Celeste Talbert
So - was - ]! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.
[[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]
David Barnes
].
[[Heinrich Himmler|Himmler]
Celeste Talbert
No, no, no.
David Barnes
].
[[Rudolf Hess|Hess]
Rose Schwartz
].
[[Adolf Eichmann|Eichmann]
David Barnes
Eichmann.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Thanking the Cast Amidst Playful Insults
Celeste Talbert
Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...
[accepting an award]
Ariel Maloney
Bitch!
David Barnes
Hag!
Montana Moorehead
I hate her so much!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Actors' Views on Playing Coma Roles
Rose Schwartz
Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Actress Encounter with a Dismissive Rival
Lori Craven
Hi. Uh, I'm Lori Craven and... I'm an actress.
Betsy Faye Sharon
An actress! Really! How nice for you! I'm Betsy Faye Sharon and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Complicated Family Secret Unraveled
Celeste Talbert
Oh, God! I got pregnant, and I was so young! And the show made me sign a paper saying I'd never mention the baby! So I... I went home to Iowa, and I had you, and I gave you to Grandma to raise, and I made up a twin sister Simone who died in a car wreck and said she was your actual mom! And then the show told everyone I had ] and sent my character to a sanitarium in Tierra del Fuego...
[sobbing; [w:tuberculosis|TB]
Rose
Now why can't I write shit like this?
[to herself]
Celeste Talbert
After I... After I came back from having Lori, I was terrible to you, I know that, I know that, I know that! All right? I blamed you for messing up my whole life, so I had you written off the show so you'd disappear - and you did! And now you're all back, and I've ruined three lives! THREE LIVES! Me, America's Sweetheart! Oh, God...!
[still sobbing; sobs louder]
David Barnes
This is fucking great!
[checks that the cameras are still rolling]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Suggestion During Dinner
Betsy Faye Sharon
Very, very good, Mark. And very true. I love what you're doing. I just, I think if we could try it one more time, and this time... I don't know... maybe try one without your shirt.
Mark
Sure.
Mark
Will you be having wine with dinner?
Betsy Faye Sharon
I think we've found our waiter!
[lustily]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Glamour and Dirt in Show Business
Taglines
All that glitter... All that glamour... All that dirt.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.