Spies Like Us (1985) - Quotes

Miscommunication in a Foreign Language

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?

Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [[w:JCPenney|JCPenney] Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? ]?

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Miscommunication in a Crisis Situation

Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [Fitz-Hume smashes terminal] It's broken.

Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.

Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.

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Risking Humanity for National Interests

Keyes: By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!

General Sline: To guarantee the American way of life, I'm willing to take that risk.

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Countdown to Catastrophe and Dark Humor

Austin Millbarge: They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [to Karen] You uh - want to go out with a bang?

Karen Boyer: I beg your pardon?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: It was just an idea.

Karen Boyer: You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, it's not such a bad idea.

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Questioning Their Actions

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [after launching the missile] What did she say?

Austin Millbarge: She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Tell her so do we.

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Struggles in Finding Opportunities

Austin Millbarge: [Faint music plays in the distance by the missile; [w:Soul Finger|Soul Finger; [w:Bar-Kays|Bar-Kays] It's... "]" by the ].

Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin a hard time getting gigs.

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Curiosity Meets Caution in Unexpected Exchange

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [catches a grenade] Hey! What's this?

Austin Millbarge: You don't want it!

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A Lesson in Interrogation Techniques

Russian Interrogator #1: Why are you here?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.

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Confession of an American Agent

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [trying to buy time by making something up] All right! All right, I'm an American agent!

Russian Interrogator #2: And...?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!

Russian Interrogator #2: I knew it! Pay up, comrade!

Russian Interrogator #1: unimpressed] Let's cut his fingers off anyway.

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A Finger for Every Minute of Silence

Russian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?

Russian Interregator #2: Yours.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!

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Unexpected Intelligence in Unlikely Places

Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.

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Questioning the Identity of the Characters

Austin Millbarge: They aren't doctors.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you mean?

Austin Millbarge: That metal case she was packing on her horse.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, what about it?

Austin Millbarge: It's a Sat Scrambler Terminal - sophisticated system for sending, scrambling, receiving and unscrambling satellite messages.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a sophisticated woman.

Austin Millbarge: It's a highly classified piece of intelligence hardware.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a high class, intelligent piece!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Repetitive Greetings Among Characters

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: And...Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors.

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Unexpected Call from Pakistan

Soldier #1: General Sline, sir?

General Sline: Yes, Sergeant?

Soldier #1: It's a collect call from Pakistan, for Mr. Ruby. A Mr. Fitz-Hume.

Ruby: What?

Austin Milbarge: Ah, folks, uh, sorry, uh... We'll just be another minute. Thank you for your patience.

Soldier #1: It's person-to-person, sir. Collect. They said their contacts tried to kill them, and they don't know what they should do.

Keyes: And they told you this... over a public phone?

Soldier #1: No sir. The AT&T operator told our operator.

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Bathroom Timing Disagreement Between Friends

Austin Millbarge: [trying to speak alone with Fitz-Hume] I gotta take a leak. You should go too.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?

Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.

Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!

Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?

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Seeking a Plan Amidst Chaos

Austin Millbarge: We need a plan.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead.

Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [beat; Fitz-Hume shows a picture from his wallet] I think it's too late to try and impress them. Alright; Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay... This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.

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Understanding a New Term in Conversation

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?

Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It's a dickfer.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?

Austin Millbarge: To pee with.

A Test of Trust and Temptation

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?

Decoding Complex Communications in Spies Like Us

Captain Hefling: What about that red Chinese radio chatter?

Austin Millbarge: It's done. Here you go.

Captain Hefling: Done? That was a static-filled triple-scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese!

Austin Millbarge: Well the Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically-grouped twenty-square-digit key transposed from boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this.

Captain Hefling: A Drogan's decoder wheel? They put these things into cereal boxes... for kids!

Austin Millbarge: [[w:Lucky charms|Lucky charms] Yeah, I found it in a box of ].

Captain Hefling: Break it down again with the machines!

Austin Millbarge: I already did.

Captain Hefling: Well... Then clean up your desk!

Questioning Truth in Critical Moments

Alice: You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No... not now.

The Weight of Unused Weapons

Col. Rhumbus: Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.

Karen Boyer: Gentlemen, I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life preparing for this penetration.

General Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.

Reflection on Time and Consequences

Austin Millbarge: Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it'll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything.

Concerns About Dangerous Creatures

Austin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.

Unexpected Affection for Horses and Guns

Austin Millbarge: [rescuing Fitz-Hume] You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!

Understanding and Mockery in Human Nature

Austin Millbarge: [Arguing surgical techniques) with a doctor] We mock what we don't understand.

Request for Tent Borrowing

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Can I borrow your tent?

Concerns About Dating Expectations and Reciprocity

Emmett Fitz-Hume: My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.

Unexpected Delays and Disappointing Inheritances

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I'm sorry I'm late; I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.

Questioning Paraguayans and Government Subsidies

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [subtle laugh from the reporters] Are there any Paraguayans here? Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?