29 quotes
Unexpected Affection for Horses and Guns
Austin Millbarge
You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!
[rescuing Fitz-Hume]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Test of Trust and Temptation
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?
Test Monitor
Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
What do you think?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confession of an American Agent
Emmett Fitz-Hume
All right! All right, I'm an American agent!
[trying to buy time by making something up]
Russian Interrogator #2
And...?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!
Russian Interrogator #2
I knew it! Pay up, comrade!
Russian Interrogator #1
unimpressed] Let's cut his fingers off anyway.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Dating Expectations and Reciprocity
Emmett Fitz-Hume
My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Paraguayans and Government Subsidies
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Are there any Paraguayans here? Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?
[subtle laugh from the reporters]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Request for Tent Borrowing
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Can I borrow your tent?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Truth in Critical Moments
Alice
You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
No... not now.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication in a Crisis Situation
Austin Millbarge
Find a rock! Go the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!
Emmett Fitz-Hume
It's broken.
[Fitz-Hume smashes terminal]
Austin Millbarge
Bring it here.
Austin Millbarge
Not the rock.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Countdown to Catastrophe and Dark Humor
Austin Millbarge
They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
You uh - want to go out with a bang?
[to Karen]
Karen Boyer
I beg your pardon?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
It was just an idea.
Karen Boyer
You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, it's not such a bad idea.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Delays and Disappointing Inheritances
Emmett Fitz-Hume
I'm sorry I'm late; I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bathroom Timing Disagreement Between Friends
Austin Millbarge
I gotta take a leak. You should go too.
[trying to speak alone with Fitz-Hume]
Emmett Fitz-Hume
What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
Austin Millbarge
So, isn't now one of those times?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
No.
Austin Millbarge
You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
No, I'm fine!
Austin Millbarge
Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
I gotta take a wizz?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Weight of Unused Weapons
Col. Rhumbus
Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.
Karen Boyer
Gentlemen, I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life preparing for this penetration.
General Sline
When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Finger for Every Minute of Silence
Russian Interregator #2
Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Mine or yours?
Russian Interregator #2
Yours.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Damn!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Their Actions
Emmett Fitz-Hume
What did she say?
[after launching the missile]
Austin Millbarge
She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Tell her so do we.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeking a Plan Amidst Chaos
Austin Millbarge
We need a plan.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Let's play dead.
Austin Millbarge
Show some balls, man!
Emmett Fitz-Hume
I think it's too late to try and impress them. Alright; Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay... This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.
[beat; Fitz-Hume shows a picture from his wallet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication in a Foreign Language
Emmett Fitz-Hume
What's she saying?
Austin Millbarge
H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? ]?
[[w:JCPenney|JCPenney]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles in Finding Opportunities
Austin Millbarge
It's... "]" by the ].
[Faint music plays in the distance by the missile; [w:Soul Finger|Soul Finger; [w:Bar-Kays|Bar-Kays]
Emmett Fitz-Hume
They must be havin a hard time getting gigs.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding a New Term in Conversation
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Did you hear that?
Austin Millbarge
Yeah. It's a dickfer.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
What's a dickfer?
Austin Millbarge
To pee with.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflection on Time and Consequences
Austin Millbarge
Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it'll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Intelligence in Unlikely Places
Austin Millbarge
They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
It got me through high school.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Risking Humanity for National Interests
Keyes
By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!
General Sline
To guarantee the American way of life, I'm willing to take that risk.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lesson in Interrogation Techniques
Russian Interrogator #1
Why are you here?
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Dangerous Creatures
Austin Millbarge
For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Decoding Complex Communications in Spies Like Us
Captain Hefling
What about that red Chinese radio chatter?
Austin Millbarge
It's done. Here you go.
Captain Hefling
Done? That was a static-filled triple-scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese!
Austin Millbarge
Well the Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically-grouped twenty-square-digit key transposed from boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this.
Captain Hefling
A Drogan's decoder wheel? They put these things into cereal boxes... for kids!
Austin Millbarge
Yeah, I found it in a box of ].
[[w:Lucky charms|Lucky charms]
Captain Hefling
Break it down again with the machines!
Austin Millbarge
I already did.
Captain Hefling
Well... Then clean up your desk!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Repetitive Greetings Among Characters
Dr. Imhaus
Doctor.
Austin Millbarge
Doctor.
Dr. Imhaus
Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Doctor.
Dr. Marston
Doctor.
Austin Millbarge
Doctor.
Dr. Marston
Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Doctor.
Karen Boyer
Doctor.
Austin Millbarge
Doctor.
Karen Boyer
Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Doctor!
[amorously]
Jerry Hadley
Doctor.
Austin Millbarge
Doctor.
Jerry Hadley
Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
And...Doctor.
Austin Millbarge
We're not doctors.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Call from Pakistan
Soldier #1
General Sline, sir?
General Sline
Yes, Sergeant?
Soldier #1
It's a collect call from Pakistan, for Mr. Ruby. A Mr. Fitz-Hume.
Ruby
What?
Austin Milbarge
Ah, folks, uh, sorry, uh... We'll just be another minute. Thank you for your patience.
Soldier #1
It's person-to-person, sir. Collect. They said their contacts tried to kill them, and they don't know what they should do.
Keyes
And they told you this... over a public phone?
Soldier #1
No sir. The AT&T operator told our operator.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding and Mockery in Human Nature
Austin Millbarge
We mock what we don't understand.
[Arguing surgical techniques) with a doctor]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity Meets Caution in Unexpected Exchange
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Hey! What's this?
[catches a grenade]
Austin Millbarge
You don't want it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Identity of the Characters
Austin Millbarge
They aren't doctors.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
What do you mean?
Austin Millbarge
That metal case she was packing on her horse.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
Well, what about it?
Austin Millbarge
It's a Sat Scrambler Terminal - sophisticated system for sending, scrambling, receiving and unscrambling satellite messages.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
So, she's a sophisticated woman.
Austin Millbarge
It's a highly classified piece of intelligence hardware.
Emmett Fitz-Hume
So, she's a high class, intelligent piece!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.