Spy Hard Quotes

Thug #1 This is for ]!

Thug #2 And this is for ]!

Thug #1 And this is for ]!

McCluckey I wasn't even in ]!

Thugs #1 and #2 We don't care!!

Dick Steele I'm Bud Fudlacker. I have a small mail order business. I travel with the American Gladiators. I'm 55. I like small appliances, and I do tax accounting on the side.

Veronique Ukrinsky Dick, this is crazy.

Coleman You gotta put it on channel three! (Director presses channel three button)

Bishop No, four! (Director presses a button)

Bishop Switch it to VHS. (Director presses the ] button)

Coleman Aaaaaand, take it off of cable.

Bishop Put it on the monitor.

Announcer And now for a special message from Rancor Industries!

General Rancor She makes a pretty hood ornament, don't you think? Yes, it is I, good old General Rancor. I'm back, big as life and twice as ugly! You did everything except eat me, and I'm still alive. All Steele did was blow off a couple of arms. That's no biggie, no big thing. Now I got plenty of arms!! Big arms!! Pretty arms!! I got arms up the wazoo! Now let me show you something. Your pretty little agent is now part of the nose cone on top of my missile. This missile will be launched in 36 hours and nothing will stop me!! Only thing is, I'm missing one little chip that controls my satellite, and dag-gone, I want it back! Now you hand me my chip, and I'll give you back your agent. Dick Steele couldn't stop me 15 years ago, and all the Dicks you've got won't stop me now!!

Dick Steele Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is: Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying: "I'm a hamster. I'm a hamster." That's crazy.

General Rancor And when you shoot him, use the silencer.

Veronique Ukrinsky Dick, come on. We have to go! NOW!!

Veronique Ukrinsky Get out of here. This is a front for Rancor.

General Rancor That Steele's gonna be sorry his mama ever met his papa. We gonna heat up the fire! Boys!!

Veronique Ukrinsky This is a picture of my father. If we get separated, find him. Save him.

Veronique Ukrinsky Here's to your remarkable powers of observation, Mr. Steele. I am agent 3.14. Veronique Ukrinsky. My father is the professor.

General Rancor She makes a pretty hood ornament, don't you think? Yes, it is I, good old General Rancor. I'm back, big as life and twice as ugly! You did everything except eat me, and I'm still alive. All Steele did was blow off a couple of arms. That's no biggie, no big thing. Now there are plenty of arms!! Big arms!! Pretty aaaarrrms!! I got arms up the wazoo! Now let me show you something. Your pretty little agent is now part of the nose cone on top of my missile. This missile will be launched in 36 hours and nothing will stop me!! Only thing is, I'm missing one little chip that controls my satellite, and dag-gone, I want it back! Now you hand me my chip, and I'll give you back your agent. Dick Steele couldn't stop me 15 years ago, and all the Dicks you've got won't stop me now!!

Veronique Oh, Dick, it's so nice to know that everything is going to be all right. You have the chip. My father's safe. You love me, Dick.

Dick Love? Let me tell you about love, Veronique. Love is a dewdrop on a rose petal. Love is a drop of rain pure and shimmering and trembling. So moist, so wet. And those tiny little drops of love come together, gathering up grown buds, and fallen flowers, and dirt, and dung, and deer droppings, flowing faster and faster, outward to the sea, onward and onward and...

Dick Good night. We'll talk more in the morning.

Veronique Ukrinsky Let me guess: You are Dick Steele. Agent WD-40 and with the Secret Service. You are 52. You like big screen TVs and you wish to stop General Rancor.

Veronique Oh, Dick, you came for me. Tell me, what... what's been happening?

Dick Well, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, getting in touch with my inner child. And after careful consideration, well... I have decided that I love you.

Veronique But what about my father?

Dick Well, I like him. I just have to get to know him better.

Veronique No, is he OK? Have you got the chip?

Dick Oh, no, he's fine. And I've got the chip.

Veronique Oh, I love you, too.

Dick Steele I'd shake your hand, but I don't remember where it landed.

Coleman We must inform the director! (Presses a button on the desk telephone)

Director (Through telephone) This is the Director. What is it, Coleman and Bishop?

Bishop Ah, sir we intercepted a very distrubing satellite transmission from our listening post on the rock of Gibraltar.

Director Well, what is it?

Bishop It's this really big rock sticking out of the water on the south coast of Spain.

Director (With the distorted telephone-like voice) What is the transmission? (Gets up)