Step Brothers (2008) - Quotes

Humorous Exchange About Boats and Food

Brennan: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria. I'll do you in the bottom while you're drinking sangria!

Dale: Nachos and Lemonheads...

Both: ...on my dad's boat!

Dale: You won't go down, cause my dick can float!

Brennan: We sail around the world, and go port to port. Every time I "cum" I produce a quart.

Nancy: That is offensive, Brennan, Dale.

Brennan: [[w:Deadliest Catch|Deadliest Catch] ] without the crabs, we're almost out of gas...

Both: Call the Arabs!

Background voice: Boats and hoes, boats and hoes, I gotta have me my boats and hoes...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Job Interview Mix-Up

Pam: (Interviewing Brennan) Well, Brennan you certainly have had a lot of jobs.

Brennan: I'm a bit of a spark plug...and, Human Resources Lady, I think...

Pam: You know, actually, it's Pam.

Brennan: I'm sorry. Well, Pan...

Pam: No, my name is PAM.

Brennan: Are you saying Pam? or Pan?

Pam: I'm saying Pam. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentlemen behind you? (Dale pokes his head out from behind Brennan)

Dale: Hello, Ms. Lady! I'm Dale, I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I may be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

Brennan: Yeah, that'd be great.

Dale: Pan.

Pam: Pam.

Brennan: Pand...There's a D on the end.

Dale: With an M.

Pam: There's no D. it's Pam.

Dale: It's like "Comb" except P-A-N-M. N-N. There's two N's.

Brennan: Two M's. That was the confusion.

Pam: I think we've had enough...

Brennan: Shush up for one second. Shut your mouth. Wait. Shut your mouth.

Pam: I'm sorry what did you say?

Brennan: You're just coming off stupid.

Pam: Oh. I'm coming off stupid? You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms! Please leave this office. We're done with this interview.

Brennan: Do we get any kind of souvenir?

Pam: Get out of my office!!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Discussion of Ketchup and Fancy Sauce

Robert: That's enough ketchup... Come on, Dale. (Pounds the table)

Dale: I like it!

Robert: That's enough.

Nancy: (As Brennan takes a small bowl of sauce from the table) Dale, I don't know if you...you might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...

Brennan: (Begins pouring the sauce on his meal) For me.

Nancy: ...That Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets.

Brennan: It's my fancy sauce.

Nancy: Well, when Brennan finishes I'll give you some of this, and its...its just ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so..

Brennan: Its so good.

Dale: I want some fancy sauce.

Brennan: I'm not done using it.

Robert: Looks good.

Dale: Can I have some fancy sauce?

Nancy: Of course, of course.

Brennan: I'm using it right now

Nancy: So, let's let him try some. You wanna try some, Dale?

Dale: Yeah, I really would like some.

Brennan: Just one last spoonful. (Stops pouring the fancy sauce)

Nancy: Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan. So here you go. It's ketchup and mayonnaise.

Dale: Thanks. (Sniffs the sauce) Ugh! I don't like it. It smells weird.

Nancy: Okay.

Robert: I'll try some.

Nancy: You want some?

Robert: Sure, absolutely.

Nancy: Okay. You don't mind do you Brennan?

Brennan: No. (Brennan stops Robert from taking the sauce with his hand)

Nancy: Brennan..

Brennan: I'm not comfortable...

Robert: It's okay. It's probably not good on fish, anyway.

Dale: But my dad's king of the castle, so if he want fancy sauce, he should...

Robert: No, it's all right, Dale...

Brennan: Well, if he wants fancy sauce, he can make his own batch.

Nancy: (To Brennan) So you know what? Today while you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really into Kung Fu, and I was telling him that you're really into Kung Fu as well.

Brennan: I have a green belt...read it and weep.

Dale: I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time, I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.

Robert: That's not true Dale, don't be ridiculous. (Dale looks down)

Nancy: So, Dale what have you been working on recently?

Dale: Well...I manage a baseball team.

Nancy: Little League?

Dale: Fantasy League.

Dale: Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

Robert: Why don't you stop being so... confrontational, Dale?

Dale: I'm not the one staring at me!

Robert: So, Brennan, what about you? I know you used to work at PetSmart.

Brennan: That's right Mr. Doback.

Robert: Call me Robert.

Brennan: That's right, Robin.

Robert: Robert.

Brennan: (Under his breath) ....Robin.

Nancy: Actually, Brennan is a really talented person. He's a very gifted singer.

Brennan: I'm really really good.

Dale: How good?

Brennan: I've been called, "the song bird, of my generation"...THAT good.

Nancy: The only thing is, Brennan's very... particular about who he sings in front of so... I'm his mom, for example, and I've only heard him sing... twice.

Dale: That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too. In fact, I'll sing right now. (Singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls...

Robert: HEY!

Dale: Why don't you jump right in? It's a crotch party right up in here!

Robert: Stop it!

Dale: Why don't you suck on this big john?

Robert: Stop it, Dale! Stop it, stop it!

Brennan: (Sarcastically) That's cute. I remember when I had my first beer.

Dale: (Sarcastically laughs) That's so funny the last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dispute Over Drum Set Ownership

Dale: (To Brennan, believing he touched his drum set) Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?

Brennan: Nope.

Dale: It's just weird cause...it seems like someone definitely touched my drum set.

Brennan: Yeah, that is weird, cause I didn't touch em'.

Dale: [Throws Brennan's feet off the couch; Becoming angry] Hey! Did you touch my drum set?!

Brennan: Hey, knock it off!

Dale: I know you touched my drum STICK. Cause the left one has a chip in it!

Brennan: Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.

Dale: Fuck you, Brennan! I know you touched my drum set, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it!

Brennan: You get outta my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!

Dale: You swear on your mom's life you didn't touch it then?!

Brennan: I don't have to swear to shit!

Dale: That's cause you fucking touched my drum set, cause I KNOW, Cops doesn't start till 4:00!

Dale: Where you going?

Brennan: [He walks upstairs] I'm going upstairs. Cause I'm gonna put my nutsack on your drum set! Okay!?

Dale: Don't you do that! I am WARNING you right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, IN THE NECK, WITH A KNIFE!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Journey Towards Friendship and Adventure

Brennan: Listen, I know we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me, against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

Dale: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Family Announcement at Holiday Gathering

Derek: So I just drove off, I started going on my way to Chad Michael Murray’s Christmas party. I think that was the year. And just driving…

Nancy: I have to interrupt you. Robert, while the children are in the living room, I think this would be a good time to make our announcement.

Dale: What’s going on?

Robert: It's over. I'm gonna be moving in with my friend, Jack Handle, and Nancy found a townhouse in the city.

Brennan: What is this? What’s happening?

Nancy: What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce.

Brennan: Don't do this.

Dale: No. No!

Derek: I gotta say, I could've called this one. Yeah.

Dale: No.

Derek: Yeah.

Brennan: Is it our fault?

Dale: Is it because we were bad?

Nancy: No, that’s the main thing that Robert and I talked about is that we did not want you two to blame yourselves.

Dale: What can we do to fix it?

Alice: Dale, honey, are you okay?

Derek: Why are you calling him "honey"?

Nancy: I cannot stress this enough. It is not your fault.

Dale: Whose fault is it? Oh, I wanna fucking know!

Robert: Let's cut the shit, it is-it is directly your fault.

Nancy: Robert--

Robert: [to Dale and Brennan, holding his neck in pain] You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other. It is absolutely 150% your fault!

Derek: Of course it's their fault. They're the two biggest dickheads in the world, and they're living in your house.

Nancy: [Annoyed] Shut up, Derek.

Derek: I'm sorry, but--

Nancy: Please don't cry like that. Please don't, Brennan.

Dale: Mommy!

Alice: DALE!!!

Nancy: I told you that they would feel completely to blame.

Robert: Let's grow up.

Dale: I'm going to throw up. I think I'm going to throw up.

Nancy: Don't throw up.

Dale: All the nice dinner that I had. I'm gonna throw it up.

Robert: You're not gonna throw up, Dale. You're not gonna throw up.

Alice: He's gonna throw up.

Derek: Come on.

Robert: My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.

Derek: [gets his camera ready so he can take their picture] Hey, guys. Guys.

Dale: This is not nice!

Derek: Alright, dipshits. Right here.

Dale: Stop it, Derek.

Derek: 1, 2, 3...

Dale: I don't want my picture taken right now!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mixed Reactions to a Disastrous Presentation

Brennan: So... Big question is, aside from the damage to the boat, which we will fix, what'd you guys think of the presentation?

Nancy: [measured tone] Brennan, I think that what you did to Robert's boat was horrid. Having said that, I think that both of you boys showed a lot of enthusiasm and inventiveness.

Brennan: Yes, thank you.

Robert: [to Nancy] You gotta be kidding me. They destroyed our dream and you're calling it inventive.

Nancy: No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.

Robert: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Come on, you did. It's gonna be four years, at least, before we can sail anywhere. And you could care less, admit it.

Nancy: [offended] I will not admit that, because it is not true.

Robert: Oh, yeah.

Nancy: But, you know, I do think that you could show a little bit more attentiveness to your son and your stepson who obviously need you.

Brennan: It's true, Dr. Doback. You've been very cold and unsupportive of our dreams.

Robert: [to Brennan] You wrecked my fucking boat, you GOON!

Nancy: Don't speak to my son like that!

Robert: Your son's costing me $80,000.

Dale: Look, we could bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. Are you guys gonna invest or not?

Robert: That's it! That's it!

Dale: Dad, the wheel!

Dale: Dad, I can't believe you're being so stingy!

Nancy: Robert, come back down!

Brennan: It's a simple business decision!

Robert: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES! Yeah!

Brennan: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!

Nancy: [shocked] Brennan.

Brennan: Two things! You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000!

Nancy: Oh, stop it.

Brennan: Or we're gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass!

Nancy: Brennan!

Brennan: You can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces SHIT!!!

Robert: [barges downstairs] Alright, here we go.

Nancy: Oh, my lord. Calm down.

Robert: Somebody should've done this a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.

Dale: Dad, what are you doing?

Nancy: Robert.

Robert: [to Brennan] You have to learn there are consequences for your actions.

Nancy: Wait! Oh, no!

Dale: Dad!

Nancy: Robert! Oh!

Dale: Dad, this is not the answer.

Robert: You're next, mister. You understand me?

Dale: Yes, sir.

Robert: [gives Brennan a spanking] Certain behaviors...

Brennan: Let go of me. Ow!

Robert: ...will not be tolerated!

Brennan: My ass is on fire!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Confrontation Over Unpleasant Tasks

Gardocki: Does butt buddy have a name?

Brennan: If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name. It's Brennan Huff.

Redheaded Kid: If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit, I'm gonna plow you into your nose with my fist.

Brennan: I'm not licking any white dog shit.

Dale: I'll lick the dog shit if you leave us alone.

Brennan: Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay?

Dale: Huh?

Brennan: They're kids.

Dale: But it's just dog shit.

Brennan: It's ridiculous!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Humor in Unconventional Job Interviews

Sporting goods manager: I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.

Brennan: Great.

Sporting goods manager: ...Was that a fart?

Dale: I don't know.

Sporting Goods manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.

Dale: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.

Sporting Goods manager: Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...

Brennan: Shit.

Sporting Goods manager: Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda fucked up.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Family Reactions to Embarrassing Situations

Dale: [Regarding the job interviews that occurred] Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?

Nancy: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.

Brennan: Oh, he did?

Nancy: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or...?

Dale: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

Brennan: It was not silent...

Brennan: It got louder...

Dale: It made a sound. It was embarrassing...

Brennan: It got louder.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bunk Beds and Sweaty Conversations

Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?

Brennan: Yes.

Nancy: Why are you guys so sweaty?

Dale: Alright, we've already figured out how to do this, the best match-up perfectly...

Brennan: And here's the thing. It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!

Dale: Please say yes.

Robert: You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults, you can do what you want.

Dale: So...?

Robert: I'm not making myself clear... I don't give a fuck. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds.

Dale: So...?

Brennan: We can..? No?

Nancy: Yes.

Brennan: Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it.

Dale: This is the funnest night ever!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Humorous Exchange on Pain Relief

Brennan: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?

Derek: What?

Brennan: If you lick my butthole.

Dale: SNAP!! (He and Brennan do a high-five)

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Acknowledging a Difficult Relationship Dynamic

Dale: [Pops up from the tree house's entrance; climbs inside] You're right about your brother. Total dick.

Brennan: [Is reading a pornographic magazine] Told you.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Childhood Dreams and Adult Responsibilities

Robert: [About his dream to be a dinosaur] Listen to me. Listen to me, Dale. Look, when I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard and I chased the neighborhood cats, and I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And then one day my dad said, "Bobby, you're 17. It's time to throw childish things aside." And I said, "Okay, Pop." But he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job." But you know, I thought to myself, "I'll go to medical school, I'll practice for a little while, and then I'll come back to it.

Dale: Dad...

Brennan: How is that a skill?

Robert: But I forgot how to do it.

Dale: You're human. You could never be a dinosaur.

Brennan: Yeah.

Robert: Hey, I lost it.

Dale: Dad, what's the point?

Brennan: Yeah.

Robert: The point is don't lose your dinosaur. Yeah.

Facing Change in the Absence of Parents

Brennan: Hey. Are you awake?

Dale: Yeah. I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house.

Brennan: I know, I feel bad.

Dale: Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.

Brennan: Yeah, but can we keep doing it though? It helps me pretend that they are.

Dale: You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.

Brennan: Yeah.

Dale: But I can't imagine how you feel...after my dad looked right at you and said; "It's all your fault that they broke up.

Brennan: That's funny, because my mom said; "If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here, everything would be perfect.

Dale: [Switches the lamp on] You take that back.

Brennan: No way. It's your fault.

Dale: [He and Brennan get up from their beds] You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land, you refuse to get a job, and you don't even know what it's like to work for something.

Brennan: You don't take responsibility for your actions, and that's why this is all your fault!

Dale: [Brennan angrily walks out of the room; Later, he hears drumming sounds] Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public! Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy. You know it's true. Just avoid everything. What are you doing?!

Brennan: [singing] Dale broke up Mom and Dad...

Dale: MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Confrontation During Shark Week Decision

Dale: Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week!

Robert: Okay, here's the deal. Number one, you will fix the fucking dry wall, NOW! Number two, you have one month to find jobs or you're on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday, and you will GO!

Dale: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.

Robert: I'm not buying that crap anymore.

Nancy: Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled “rape” at the top of your lungs.

Brennan: Mom I honestly thought I was going to be raped, for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes and a one point he said “let’s get it on”.

Dale: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!

Brennan: Look I didn’t touch your drum set.

Dale: I witnessed with my eyes, your testicles touching my drums set.

Robert: [takes the remote from them] All right that’s it! That’s it. You two guys leave me no choice. No television for a week.

Dale and Brennan: WHAT!?

Nancy: We are so serious.

Brennan: You’re fucking high!

Nancy: Goes in Robert’s wall safe..

Dale: No!

Brennan: This house is a fucking prison!

Dale: On ‘Planet Bullshit’!

Brennan: In the galaxy of ‘This Sucks Camel Dicks’!!

Confrontation Between Brennan and Dale

Brennan: So I guess it's really over.

Dale: I'd say you trying to bury me alive pretty much did it.

Brennan: You know what I just realized? You've been the one that's been dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna get a job and an apartment; and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together. I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it!

Dale: My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had a perfect setup, and you wrecked it!

Brennan: [Dale turns around] Hey... We're no longer brothers.

Dale: We never were. We were stepbrothers.

A Misunderstanding Leads to Chaos

Dale: [Is inside of the hole] What are you doing?

Brennan: [As he's shoveling dirt on Dale] I'm burying you!

Dale: [Sobbing] But I'm alive! Brennan, I'm alive!

Brennan: [Continues burying him] You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!!

Dale: No!

Brennan: Now I'm gonna play your drum set!

Dale: Help me!

Brennan: Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.

Unexpected Friendship and Karate Plans

Brennan: Did we just become best friends?

Dale: Yep!

Brennan: Do you wanna do Karate in the garage?

Dale: Yep!

Sweaty Confessions on the Couch

Dale: Why are you so sweaty?

Brennan: I was watching Cops.

Dale: Not supposed to have your feet on the couch.

Debating the Value of Medical Education

Brennan: Where did he go to medical school?

Nancy: He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins, is that good enough for you?

Brennan: No, it’s not.

Nancy: Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools.

Brennan: I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

Nancy: You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.

Brennan: It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering. And they were blazing that shit up every day.

Struggles with Acceptance in Family Dynamics

Nancy: Somebody's awfully quiet back there..

Brennan: I'm not gonna call him "Dad".

Nancy: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him "Dad".

Brennan: Well, I'm not going to. Ever. Even if there's a fire! Robert better not get in my face... cause I'll drop that motherfucker.

Nancy: Jesus, Brennan!

Acceptance of Imperfection in Holiday Spirit

Brennan Huff: (On Christmas Day, regarding his Chewbacca mask) It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

Self-Reflection During a Performance

Brennan Huff: (After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.

Confronting Unexpected Life Changes

Brennan Huff: (In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?

Brennan's Unconventional Neighborhood Introduction

Brennan Huff: (Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?

The Consequences of Uninformed Experimentation

Brennan Huff: [[w: liquid paper|Liquid Paper] (At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put ] on a bee... And it died.