Thank You for Smoking Quotes

Jack Do you hear that?

Nick Naylor No.

Jack Exactly!

Jack Hey, Neil! Neil! I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis!

Neil Ha, you got me!

Jack It's an inside joke.

Nick What?

Bobby I got a call from the paper.

Nick Really? What did they want?

Bobby They wanted the correct spelling of my name and job title.

Polly You didn't tell her about us, did you?

Nick Who? … Heather? No! … I mean, maybe in passing.

Polly In passing.

Bobby Oh God, he fucked her. I tried to warn you …

Polly Hey, he didn't fuck her. You didn't fuck her, did you? … When?

Bobby In passing.

Nick Look, she's a really nice girl.

Bobby Oh God, we're really fucked.

Joey You're The Sultan of Spin!

Nick The Sultan of Spin"?

Joey Mom subscribes to Newsweek.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!

Nick Naylor In 1910, the US was producing ten billion cigarettes a year, by 1930 we were up to one hundred twenty three billion, what happened in between? Three things: a ], Dieting and movies. 1927, talking pictures are born. Suddenly directors need to give their actors something to do while they're talking. Cary Grant and Carole Lombard are lighting up, Bette Davis, a chimney, and Bogart, remember the first picture with him and Lauren Bacall? She sort of shimmies in through the doorway. Nineteen years old. Pure sex. She says "Anyone got a match?" and Bogie throws the matches at her... and she catches them. Greatest romance in the century, how did it start? Lighting a cigarette. In these days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath... or an European. The message that Hollywood needs to send out is "Smoking is Cool!". We need the cast of, uh, ] smoking in their living room, ] puffing away between his box of chocolates, ] earning back the love of ] by buying her favorite brand - her Virginia Slims. Most of the actors smoke already. If they start doing it on screen... We can put the sex back into cigarettes.

Jeff Megall Do you know what time it is in Tokyo, Nick?

Nick Naylor No.

Jeff Megall 4 pm tomorrow. It's the future, Nick. Anyway for Pitt to smoke it's 10 million, for the pair it's 25.

Nick Naylor 25?! Usually when I buy 2 of something I get a discount. What's the extra 5 for?

Jeff Megall Synergy. These are not stupid people, they got it right away. Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting up after some cosmic fucking in the bubble suite's gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.

Nick Naylor Well for that kind of money, my people will expect some very serious smoking. Can Brad blow smoke rings?

Jeff Megall I don't have that information.

Nick Naylor Well for 25 million, we'd want smoke rings.

Jeff Megall Oh, one other thing. You'll be co-financing this picture with the Sultan of Glutan.

Nick Naylor The Sultan of Glutan, the one that massacred and enslaved his own people? Aren't they calling him the Hitler of the South Pacific?

Jeff Megall I can't speak to that. In all my dealings with him he's been a very reasonable and sensitive guy, he's fun, you'll like him. Oh, thats London calling, it's 7 am in the old empire.

Nick Naylor Jeff, when do you sleep?

Jeff Megall Sunday.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Please state your name, address, and current occupation.

Nick My name is Nick Naylor. I live at 6000 Massachusetts Avenue. I am currently unemployed but until recently I was the Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Mr. Naylor, as Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies, what was required of you? What did you do?

Nick I informed the public of all the research performed in the investigation on the effects of tobacco.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre And what, so far, has the Academy concluded in their investigation into the effects of tobacco?

Nick Well, many things actually. Why just the other day they uncovered evidence that smoking can offset Parkinson's disease.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre I'm sure the health community is thrilled. Mr. Naylor, who provides the financial background for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?

Nick Conglomerated tobacco.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre That's the cigarette companies.

Nick For the most part, yes.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Do you think that might affect their priorities?

Nick No. Just as, I'm sure, campaign contributions don't affect yours.

Senator Lothridge Mr. Naylor is not here to testify on the goings on of the Academy of Tobacco Studies. We're here to examine the possibility of a warning label on cigarettes. Now, Mr. Naylor, I have to ask you out of formality, do you believe that smoking cigarettes, over time, can lead to lung cancer and lead to other respiratory conditions such as emphysema.

Nick Yes. In fact, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who really believes that cigarettes are not potentially harmful. I mean -- show of hands -- Who out here thinks that cigarettes aren't dangerous?

Senator Dupree Mr. Naylor, there's no need for theatrics.

Nick I'm sorry. I just don't see the point in a warning label for something people already know.

Senator Dupree The warning symbol is a reminder, a reminder of the dangers of smoking cigarettes.

Nick Well, if we want to remind people of danger why don't we slap a skull and crossbones on all Boeing airplanes, Senator Lothridge. And all Fords, Senator Dupree.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre That is ridiculous. The death toll from airline and automobile accidents doesn't even skim the surface cigarettes. They don't even compare.

Nick Oh, this from a Senator who calls Vermont home.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.

Nick Well, the real demonstrated #1 killer in America is cholesterol. And here comes Senator Finisterre whose fine state is, I regret to say, clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont cheddar cheese. If we want to talk numbers, how about the millions of people dying of heart attacks? Perhaps Vermont cheddar should come with a skull and crossbones.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre That is lu-- The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!

Senator Lothridge Mr. Naylor, we are here to discuss cigarettes -- not planes, not cars -- cigarettes. Now as we discussed earlier these warning labels are not for those who know but rather for those who don't know. ]?

Nick Gentlemen, it's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton. It comes from our teachers, and more importantly our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world, including cigarettes, so that one day when they get older they can choose for themselves. I look at my son who was kind enough to come with me today, and I can't help but think that I am responsible for his growth and his development. And I'm proud of that.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Well, having said that, would you condone him smoking?

Nick Well, of course not. He's not 18. That would be illegal.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Yes, I've heard you deliver that line on 20/20, but enough dancing. What are you going to do when he turns 18? C'mon, Mr. Naylor. On his 18th birthday will you share a cigarette with him? Will you spend a lovely afternoon -- like one of your ludicrous cigarette advertisements? You seem to have to have a lot to say about how we should raise our children. What of your own? What are you going to do when he turns 18?

Nick If he really wants a cigarette, I'll buy him his first pack.

Nick Naylor After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he too could shoot college students. But, the National Guard recruiter was out to lunch, so Bobby Jay ended up shooting Panamanians instead. Which was almost as good as college students, only they shoot back.

Nick Naylor Everyone's got a mortgage to pay. The Yuppie Nuremberg defense.

Nick Naylor Now, what we need is a smoking role model, a real winner.

Jeff Megall ] meets ].

Nick Naylor Right, on two packs a day.

Ron Goode You wanted to see me sir.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Have a seat, Ron.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre You see, Ron, I can't be everywhere I'm needed. That's why I send people like you to speak on my behalf. When you're there, you're not Ron Goode, a guy whom your friends probably like, you're Senator Finisterre's aide and your name really doesn't matter. So when Ron Goode acts like a complete asshole on The Joan Lunden Show, I'm being an asshole on The Joan Lunden Show.

Ron Goode Senator, sir, he sprang on me like....

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Where in the hell did you find Cancer Boy?

Ron Goode He was supposed to be quite reliable the Pulmonary Council was one of his references.

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Fucking non-profits! When you're looking for a cancer kid, he should be hopeless. He should have a wheelchair, he should have trouble talking, he should have a little pet goldfish in a Zip-lock bag, hopeless.

Ron Goode I apologize, sir, but if it wasn't for Nick Naylor-

Senator Ortolan Finisterre Nick Naylor? Don't you even think of using him as an excuse! The man shills bullshit for a living. You work for a fucking senator! A senator who's supposed to be tough on tobacco. Have a little... pride, for God's sake!

BR People, what is going on out there? I look down this table, all I see are white flags! Our numbers are down all across the board. Teen smoking, our bread and butter, is falling like a shit from heaven! We don't sell Tic Tacs for Christ's sake. We sell cigarettes! And they're cool and available and addictive. The job is almost done for us! Now, this environmentalist is challenging us. We have to have an answer! I'm asking you, when this cocksucker puts Captain Hook on our product, what the fuck are we going to do!?

Nick Naylor I speak on behalf of cigarettes.

Child My mommy says that cigarettes kill.

Nick Naylor Now, is your mommy a doctor?

Child No.

Nick Naylor A scientific researcher of some kind?

Child No.

Nick Naylor Now, she doesn't exactly sound like a credible expert now, does she?

Nick Naylor Look at it this way. How many you want to be lawyers? Lawyers earn money to talk.

Nick Naylor OK, let me try this again. How many of you want to be movie stars?

Multiple children Yes!

Nick Naylor Movie stars get paid to talk! That is what I do, I talk.

Nick That's disgusting.

Bobby It's American.

Polly Can I have a bite?

Senator Ortolan Finisterre When you're looking for a cancer kid, he should be hopeless. He should have a wheelchair, he should have trouble talking, he should have a little pet goldfish in a Zip-lock bag, hopeless.

Joey So, what happens when you're wrong?

Nick Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.

Joey But you can't always be right.

Nick Well, if it's your job to be right, then you're never wrong.

Joey But what if you are wrong?

Nick Okay, let's say that you're defending chocolate and I'm defending vanilla. Now, if I were to say to you, "Vanilla's the best flavor ice cream", you'd say …?

Joey No, chocolate is.

Nick Exactly. But you can't win that argument. So, I'll ask you: So you think chocolate is the end-all and be-all of ice cream, do you?

Joey It's the best ice cream; I wouldn't order any other.

Nick Oh. So it's all chocolate for you, is it?

Joey Yes, chocolate is all I need.

Nick Well, I need more than chocolate. And for that matter, I need more than vanilla. I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Joey Naylor, that is the definition of liberty.

Joey But that's not what we're talking about.

Nick Ah, but that's what I'm talking about.

Joey But … you didn't prove that vanilla's the best.

Nick I didn't have to. I proved that you're wrong, and if you're wrong, I'm right.

Joey But you still didn't convince me.

Nick Because I'm not after you. I'm after them.

Joey What happens when you're wrong?

Nick Naylor See, Joey, that's the beauty of argument. When you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

Nick Nick Naylor, the lead spokesman for big tobacco, would have you believe he thinks cigarettes are harmless, but really he's doing it for the mortgage.

Polly The "M.O.D. Squad"—meaning, of course, "Merchants of Death"—is comprised of Polly Bailey, of the Moderation Council, and Bobby Jay Bliss, of the gun business's own advisory group, S.A.F.E.T.Y.

Bobby As explained by Naylor, the sole purpose of their meetings is to compete for the highest death toll as they compare strategies on how to dupe the American people.

Jeff The film, Message from Sector Six, would emphasize the sex appeal of cigarettes in a way that only floating, nude, copulating Hollywood stars could.

Lorne This did not stop Nick from bribing the dying man with a suitcase of cash to keep quiet on the subject of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.

Jill Nick's own son, Joey Naylor, seems to be being groomed for the job as he joins his father on the majority of his trips.

Jeff Megall Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make, Message from Sector Six.

Nick Naylor Cigarettes in space?

Jeff Megall It's the final frontier, Nick.

Nick Naylor But wouldn't they blow up in an all-oxygen environment?

Jeff Megall Probably. But, you know, it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue: "Thank God we created the, you know, whatever device." You ought to make a product to tie in with the movie, such as a new brand of cigarettes.

Nick Naylor Sector Sixes?

Joey Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets?

Nick You're too young to understand.

Joey Mom says it's because you have dependency issues and it was all just a matter of time before you threw it all away on some tramp.

Nick Well, that's one theory.

Heather Holloway My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles.

Doak "The Captain" Boykin You're family now. Tobacco takes care of its own.

Joey Naylor It's like you always said, Dad, "If you want an easy job, go work for the Red Cross.

Bobby Jay Bliss It was some pretty fucked up shit.

Polly Bailey Are you a tit man?

BR 50 million dollars?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!

Heather Holloway Heather Holloway.

Nick Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco.

Heather Holloway Is this kosher?

Nick Only if I can call you Heather.

Heather Holloway By all means. So, Mr. Naylor …

Nick Nick.

Heather Holloway Nick. Let's start with …

Nick 82 Margaux.

Heather Holloway Okay. Is it good?

Nick Good"? It'll make you believe in God.

Nick Naylor ] plays ball. ] kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent.

Taglines Nick Naylor doesn't hide the truth … he filters it.

Nick Naylor How many alcohol related deaths a year? 100,000? That's, what, 270 a day? Tragedy. How many firearms related deaths a year? 11,000? That comes out to a measly 30 a day!

Taglines America is living in spin.

BR The rest of you people go slam your fucking brains against your desks until something useful comes out!

Nick Naylor Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organization that kills one thousand two hundred human beings a day; 1200 people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women, and children. I mean there's ], ], and me, Nick Naylor, the face of cigarettes, the ] of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-Span. These guys realized quick if they were going to claim cigarettes were not addictive, they better have proof. This is the man they rely on—Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany; I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for thirty years, and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius—he could disprove gravity. Then we got our sharks. We draft them out of ] law, schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a ] novel, well—you know—without all the espionage. Most importantly, we've got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk. I don't have an MD or law degree. I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him, on crack.