The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005) - Quotes

Jay: [at the Date-a-Palooza] What are you whining about? You asked for this shit!

Jay: Will you just quit whining like a bitch?

Jay: You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.

Jay: And after that... you on my level. Come on.

Cal: Just ask questions.

David: Andy! Andy, come on, we were just kidding!

Andy: Pointless.

David: Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin. Don't be such a baby. They were just having fun. They didn't mean anything.

Andy: Get away from me, David.

David: Wait a minute.

Andy: Stop following me!

David: Hold up.

Andy: Hold on. I'm gonna have to quit my job now.

David: You don't have to quit your job.

Andy: You know what, I don't wanna go out with you guys.

David: Fine.

Andy: Okay? I don't need your help.

David: Okay, fine, you don't have to go out with us if you don't want.

Andy: [Montage of flashbacks; Painting a toy soldier of a [[w:Zouave|Zouave; Playing [[w: Tony Hawk's Underground|Tony Hawk's Underground; Karaoke; Laughing at a comic book in bed] You know what?! I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much, I completely stay away from them! I have a very fulfilling life... And now I am going to make your silver pants blue. Get some roadburn, come on! Come on, sucker! Now, pretty ladies around the world. Got a weird thing to show you. Oh my God!

Mooj: [talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.

Jay: What are you doing? That's my customer.

Mooj: It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended.

Jay: No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.

Mooj: I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.

Jay: Then you gonna give me half the commission.

Mooj: You will receive none of the commission.

Jay: I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!

Mooj: [[Jesse Jackson] This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about ]? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...

Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.

Mooj: I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit.

Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?

Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.

Jay: Look, listen to me. You are fucking with the wrong nigga.

Mooj: [[w:Anti-Arab racism|sandnigger] Hey! You're fucking with the wrong ], okay?

Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban!

Mooj: [[w:Apu Nahasapeemapetilon|do you want a Slurpee; [w:Slurpee|Slurpee; [w:New York accent|My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent] Turban now? Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, ]? You want a ]?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? ], okay?! Okay?!

Jay: All right, man, calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?

Mooj: If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.

Jay: Cool, man. All right, pops.

Beth: Can I help you?

Andy: [remembering Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman] I don't know. Can you?

Beth: Are you looking for something?

Andy: Is there something I should be looking for?

Beth: We have a lot of books. So, maybe it depends on what you like.

Andy: What do you like?

Beth: We have a great section of...do-it-yourself.

Andy: Do you like to "do it yourself"?

Beth: Sometimes. I mean...if the mood strikes.

Andy: How is the mood striking you now?

Beth: What's your name?

Andy: What's your name?

Beth: I'm Beth.

Andy: Andy.

Beth: Andy. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?

Andy: I won't. Unless you want to be told on...Beth.

Cal: So you're gay now?

David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.

Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.

David: [smirks] You're gay for saying that.

Cal: I'm gay for saying that?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?

David: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay] You like ]. You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: [[w:Maid in Manhattan|Maid in Manhattan] You like the movie ].

Cal: You know how I know you're gay?

David: How?

Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face.

Cal: That's gay?

David: [Gets killed in video game] Goddamn it!

Andy: You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.

Cal: Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?

Andy: Yeah.

Cal: That's fucked up, man.

Andy: Why? Why?

Cal: Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.

Andy: So what?

Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.

Andy: It's all right.

Cal: [[w:The Six Million Dollar Man|Six Million Dollar Man] Is that the ]'s boss?

Andy: It's Oscar Goldman.

Cal: Why do you have that?

Andy: [[w:Steve Austin|Steve Austin] That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than ].

Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?

Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.

Cal: [[w:Asia (band)|Asia] I mean, seriously, ]? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?

Andy: They did not laugh at me.

Cal: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.

Andy: You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

Cal: [[w:Neverland Ranch|Neverland Ranch] Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in ].

Jay: Dude, are you gay?

Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.

Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.

Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys. In jail.

Haziz: [While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast: dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by.

Haziz: So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al-Qaeda?

Mooj: Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?

Mooj: I will pray for your cock.

Mooj: [points at Andy, Cal and Jay] This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you? Well, fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass! Okay!

Jay: Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg.

Jay: You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named "Pussalia", and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into thinking that it's some impossible feat.

Jay: From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy.

Jay: You're puttin the pussy on a pedestal.

Jay: [[tiger; [gazelle] All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a ] knows how to tackle a ]? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches.

Cal: [after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother; [w:Murder, She Wrote|Murder, She Wrote] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching ]. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

Cal: [To Andy before he hits on Beth; [w:David Caruso|David Caruso; [w:Jade (1995 film)|Jade] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like ] in ].

Cal: [pause] Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. Probably still pretty bad though.

Cal: Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.

Cal: [about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...

Cal: [about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.

David: [David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain, and it's...you know, you lose weight, and then you put back on weight, and then you call them a bunch of times, and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.

David: [Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love.

David: [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the doppler radar.

David: [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist.

Andy: I hope you have a big trunk, cause I'm putting my bike in it.

Andy: Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?

Andy: I've borked a lot of women in my day.

Andy: I'm a virgin. I always have been.