30 quotes
The Consequences of Inactivity
Andy
Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Disappointment in Tijuana Experience
Cal
Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unconventional Advice on Romantic Encounters
Cal
Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching ]. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.
[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother; [w:Murder, She Wrote|Murder, She Wrote]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Expectations and Pressure
Jay
What are you whining about? You asked for this shit!
[at the Date-a-Palooza]
Jay
Will you just quit whining like a bitch?
Jay
You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.
Jay
And after that... you on my level. Come on.
Cal
Just ask questions.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Parenthood and Freedom
Mooj
Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Elevating Desire Above Reality
Jay
You're puttin the pussy on a pedestal.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exploring Sexuality and Friendship Dynamics
Jay
Dude, are you gay?
Andy
No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
Cal
I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Jay
Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys. In jail.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Uncertainty in Seeking Help
Beth
Can I help you?
Andy
I don't know. Can you?
[remembering Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman]
Beth
Are you looking for something?
Andy
Is there something I should be looking for?
Beth
We have a lot of books. So, maybe it depends on what you like.
Andy
What do you like?
Beth
We have a great section of...do-it-yourself.
Andy
Do you like to "do it yourself"?
Beth
Sometimes. I mean...if the mood strikes.
Andy
How is the mood striking you now?
Beth
What's your name?
Andy
What's your name?
Beth
I'm Beth.
Andy
Andy.
Beth
Andy. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?
Andy
I won't. Unless you want to be told on...Beth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Three Rules for Talking to Women
Cal
There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like ] in ].
[To Andy before he hits on Beth; [w:David Caruso|David Caruso; [w:Jade (1995 film)|Jade]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings About Sexuality and Celibacy
Cal
So you're gay now?
David
No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal
I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.
David
You're gay for saying that.
[smirks]
Cal
I'm gay for saying that?
David
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal
How? How do you know I'm gay?
David
Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal
You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal
How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal
How?
David
You like ]. You know how I know you're gay?
[[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]
Cal
How?
David
You like the movie ].
[[w:Maid in Manhattan|Maid in Manhattan]
Cal
You know how I know you're gay?
David
How?
Cal
I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David
You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face.
Cal
That's gay?
David
Goddamn it!
[Gets killed in video game]
Andy
You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.
Cal
Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?
Andy
Yeah.
Cal
That's fucked up, man.
Andy
Why? Why?
Cal
Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
Andy
So what?
Cal
And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
Andy
It's all right.
Cal
Is that the ]'s boss?
[[w:The Six Million Dollar Man|Six Million Dollar Man]
Andy
It's Oscar Goldman.
Cal
Why do you have that?
Andy
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than ].
[[w:Steve Austin|Steve Austin]
Cal
Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal
I mean, seriously, ]? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?
[[w:Asia (band)|Asia]
Andy
They did not laugh at me.
Cal
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy
You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in ].
[[w:Neverland Ranch|Neverland Ranch]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perspective on Love and Immaturity
David
If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love.
[Being bitter about Amy]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Overthinking Relationships and Unrealistic Expectations
Jay
You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named "Pussalia", and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into thinking that it's some impossible feat.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comparison to Doppler Radar
David
It looks like the doppler radar.
[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Complex Nature of Love and Loss
David
Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain, and it's...you know, you lose weight, and then you put back on weight, and then you call them a bunch of times, and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.
[David and Andy are talking about relationships]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Prayer for Personal Matters
Mooj
I will pray for your cock.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing the Unconventional for Change
Jay
Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fears of a Creepy Future Living Situation
Cal
I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...
[about letting Andy hang out with them]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration and Discontent in Confrontation
Mooj
This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you? Well, fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass! Okay!
[points at Andy, Cal and Jay]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Party Invitations and Identity
Haziz
So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al-Qaeda?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Forecast of Uncertainty and Danger
Haziz
Today's forecast: dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by.
[While Jay is arguing with a Black customer]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mediocre Experience Before Meaningful Connections
Cal
Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. Probably still pretty bad though.
[pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Past Relationships
Andy
I've borked a lot of women in my day.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dispute Over Customer Service in Electronics Store
Mooj
This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.
[talking to a customer]
Jay
What are you doing? That's my customer.
Mooj
It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended.
Jay
No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.
Mooj
I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.
Jay
Then you gonna give me half the commission.
Mooj
You will receive none of the commission.
Jay
I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!
Mooj
This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about ]? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...
[[Jesse Jackson]
Jay
I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
Mooj
I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit.
Jay
You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
Mooj
Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
Jay
Look, listen to me. You are fucking with the wrong nigga.
Mooj
Hey! You're fucking with the wrong ], okay?
[[w:Anti-Arab racism|sandnigger]
Jay
Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban!
Mooj
Turban now? Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, ]? You want a ]?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? ], okay?! Okay?!
[[w:Apu Nahasapeemapetilon|do you want a Slurpee; [w:Slurpee|Slurpee; [w:New York accent|My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent]
Jay
All right, man, calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?
Mooj
If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.
Jay
Cool, man. All right, pops.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Observation of a supernatural phenomenon
David
It looks like a Poltergeist.
[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Declaration of Friendship and Support
Jay
From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acceptance of Personal Truth
Andy
I'm a virgin. I always have been.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Suspicion of a Nice Guy's Dark Side
Cal
He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.
[about Andy]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Take on Transportation and Space
Andy
I hope you have a big trunk, cause I'm putting my bike in it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Instincts and Natural Behavior in Men
Jay
All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a ] knows how to tackle a ]? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches.
[[tiger; [gazelle]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Virginity and Sensitivity
David
Andy! Andy, come on, we were just kidding!
Andy
Pointless.
David
Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin. Don't be such a baby. They were just having fun. They didn't mean anything.
Andy
Get away from me, David.
David
Wait a minute.
Andy
Stop following me!
David
Hold up.
Andy
Hold on. I'm gonna have to quit my job now.
David
You don't have to quit your job.
Andy
You know what, I don't wanna go out with you guys.
David
Fine.
Andy
Okay? I don't need your help.
David
Okay, fine, you don't have to go out with us if you don't want.
Andy
You know what?! I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much, I completely stay away from them! I have a very fulfilling life... And now I am going to make your silver pants blue. Get some roadburn, come on! Come on, sucker! Now, pretty ladies around the world. Got a weird thing to show you. Oh my God!
[Montage of flashbacks; Painting a toy soldier of a [[w:Zouave|Zouave; Playing [[w: Tony Hawk's Underground|Tony Hawk's Underground; Karaoke; Laughing at a comic book in bed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.