16 quotes
A Conversation About Jeans and Softness
Azmat
Look at these jeans, Kumi. They're from Citizens of Humanity, that's the brand's name. Touch them. They're so soft.
Kumail
I don't want to touch your jeans.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Outing Sparks Concern Among Friends
Emily
Hey guys, I think I might just pop out for a bit.
Terry
By yourself?
Emily
Yeah, just hop around the block, maybe get some frozen yogurt.
Terry
Are you okay? Can you do it, can you walk by yourself?
Emily
Yeah, Dad.
Beth
Have fun.
Terry
If you feel a coma coming on, call us.
Emily
Dad, it's too soon.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
An Awkward True Story Unfolds
Taglines
An Awkward True Story
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Desire for Meaningful Conversations
Terry Gardner
So, uh, ]? No, I mean, I've always wanted to have a conversation about it with... (pauses) people.
[[w:9/11|9/11]
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Understanding Comas: The Good and the Bad
Kumail Nanjiani
Apparently, there are good and bad comas. And the kind that they put her in, the medically induced ones, are definitely the good kind of coma. Like you know how there are good and bad carbs? Gremlins, those can be good or bad.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Memorable Sandwich Experience
Kumail
How's your sandwich?
Beth
Best fucking sandwich I ever had.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Impact of Perception on Self-Expression
Kumail Nanjiani
I read in an interview with ], he said he doesn't smile because it makes his face look fat. So I didn't smile in pictures for many years.
[[w:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Taste in a Difficult Situation
Emily
(spitting out drink) What is that crap?
Nurse Judy
We have to thicken your liquids for a bit. Your esophagus isn’t strong enough to swallow yet.
Emily
That shit tastes like semen.
Terry
That's nice for a father to hear.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in everyday situations
Kumail Nanjiani
Your driver will be ready as soon as he puts on his pants.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Dynamics and Cultural Identity in Conversation
Azmat Nanjiani
(to Kumail) You should be stylish like your father. It's not very difficult. Just observe me.
Sharmeen Nanjiani
Since when are you someone to stand up? You know who I think should stand up is ]. She has something to say, she has something to say!
[[w:Malala|Malala]
Naveed Nanjiani
Listen to yourself. You hardly sound Pakistani. "Cookies"? You sound like ]. You're such a burger.
[[w:Julia Louis-Dreyfus|Julia Louis-Dreyfus]
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Demand for Connection in Frustration
Kumail Nanjiani
Look at me. Look me in the eyes when you fuck me! Look at me. PLEASE! (after fast-food worker refuses his order)
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Humor in Unexpected Places at Conferences
Terry
Who goes to a math conference to get laid?
[rhetorically]
Kumail
Math teachers?
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Harsh critique of a stand-up performance
Mary
I know you did not get ] and that is only because you did one of the worst sets I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.
[[w:Montreal Comedy Festival|Montreal]
CJ
It was nonsense.
Mary
A living disgrace.
CJ
I would call it shit, but I would be worried that I'd be insulting actual shit.
Mary
Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me, I thought a ghost had passed right through me.
Kumail
We don't have to keep going over how bad the set was. I saw their faces and the noises they didn't make.
Mary
I felt one of my eggs die.
Kumail
Doesn't that happen every month?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication at the Fast-Food Drive-Thru
Worker at fast-food drive-thru
Welcome to Quick'n Hot. May I take your order please?
Kumail
Yeah, um can I get a burger with four slices of cheese.
Worker
Four burgers. Anything else sir?
Kumail
No. One burger with four slices of cheese. (Silence.) One burger with four -
Worker
I'm sorry. We can't do that.
Kumail
Just put four slices of cheese on a burger.
Worker
We can’t do that. There's no button -
Kumail
Who the fuck is this "we", man? Who the fuck is this "we"? It’s me and you. We're just people. Fucking listen to me. Fuck this corporate entity. Put four slices of cheese on THE FUCKING BURGER.
Worker
(silence) We can't do that.
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Confronting Sadness in Relationships
Emily Gardner
(to Kumail) Naw dog. I'm not joking. You're not funny to me. You just make me sad. You make me sad inside of my heart, and it makes me sad to look at you. So I think you should probably go. Just go and tell my mom I want her. (Kumail is stunned.) Will you please get my mom?
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Challenges of Comedy Amid Personal Crisis
Kumail Nanjiani
It’s just really hard to do standup comedy when your girlfriend is in a coma.
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