The Boat That Rocked Quotes

Doctor Dave And how are you set up, Angus?

Angus Well, her name is Daphne.

Doctor Dave She likes the bearded man, does she?

Angus She does indeed.

Doctor Dave With a tiny knob.

Angus Whatever.

Thick Kevin I've got a tiny knob, actually, and I rather like it. Means I can wear smaller underpants.

The Count Don't know what that means. I didn't understand any of that.

Thick Kevin It's type of bird, but it's wearing a hat. Not so much a hat. Something that's at the top of a coat and attached to the coat and covers the head, but is not a hat.

Young Carl A hood?

Thick Kevin Yes, and now the first name, type of bird. It's a something hood.

Young Carl Robin Hood! Why didn't you just say he lived in Sherwood Forest and has a bow and an arrow?

Thick Kevin Yeah? What? Who are you talking about?

Young Carl Robin Hood.

Thick Kevin I didn't know that.

Angus How about it? How about this? Try and fuck your way out of this one Mark!

The Count To all our listeners, this is what I have to say - God bless you all. And as for you bastards in charge, don't dream it's over. Years will come, years will go, and politicians will do fuck all to make the world a better place. But all over the world, young men and young women will always dream dreams and put those dreams into song. Nothing important dies tonight, just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship. The only sadness tonight is that, in future years, there'll be so many fantastic songs that it will not be our privilege to play. But, believe you me, they will still be written, they will still be sung and they will be the wonder of the world.

Gavin Cavanagh Now it's just you and me, and I'm looking right up your skirt.

Quentin Ah, Carl. My favourite godson... Have we ever met?

Young Carl I don't think so.

Quentin Good. There was a lost decade in there somewhere. I always have to check. So... expelled?

Young Carl That's right.

Quentin What for?

Young Carl I suppose smoking was the clincher.

Quentin Drugs or cigarettes?

Young Carl Well, both.

Quentin Well done! Proud of you. So your mum sent you here in the hope that a little bracing sea air would sort you out?

Young Carl Something like that.

Quentin Spectacular mistake.

Gavin Cavanagh Are you doing something dirty? Are you doing something your parents don't know about? Are you breaking the law? Are you breaking the rules?

The Count You know, a few months ago, I made a terrible mistake. I realized something, and instead of crushing the thought the moment it came I... I let it hang on, and now I know it to be true. And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever. These are the best days of our lives. It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it.

The Count Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies. When you drop a bomb, many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the f-word, nothing actually happens.

Young Carl I think I might have had a little too much to drink last night.

Thick Kevin Actually, I find alcohol rather sharpens my mind.

Young Carl Really?

Thick Kevin Yes, and I was thinking...

Young Carl Dangerous.

Thick Kevin ...that it's a bit weird for your mum to send you here to get you on the straight and narrow when this is obviously the worst possible place in the world to do that. There's sex and drugs and alcohol.

Young Carl Without the sex.

Thick Kevin And so I think you're here because it's exactly the right time for a young man, like you, to get to know his dad.

Young Carl And?

Thick Kevin I therefore think your dad is somewhere on this boat. And since it's definitely not me, I think it's probably Quentin. Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I should have been called Clever Kevin. What do you think about that?

Dave So tell us Mark, now at the very end - what was your secret? How did you get all them girls?

Mark Simple. Don't say anything at all.

Young Carl Nothing?

Mark Nothing. Then, when the tension becomes too much to bear, you finally, finally, you just say: "How about it, then?

Quentin Your mother is dropping by to pay us a visit before Christmas.

Young Carl You're kidding? When does she arrive?

Quentin Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu.

Young Carl Really?

Quentin Oh yes. Anyway, I thought you might like to know, in case you want to brush your hair or hide the large stack of pornography you keep on that shelf.

Taglines 1 Boat. 8 DJs. No Morals.

Gavin Cavanagh Open your knees and feel the breeze, because Gavin's back to stay!

Thick Kevin Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I should be called Clever Kevin'.

Simon I believe the technical term is a fuckload of boats!

Gavin Cavanagh Think of me when you cum!

Quentin Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you prefer?

Thick Kevin Good news.

Quentin Okay. The good news is the engine has exploded and we're all going to die.

Dave Hello, Dr Dave, Radio Rock. How is that good news?

Quentin I haven't yet told you how we're going to die. That's the bad news.

Simon How are we gonna die?

Quentin We're going to drown in the freezing waters of the North Sea.

Felicity Dearie me.

Quentin There is a huge hole in the side of the boat and in an unfortunate development, it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.

Thick Kevin Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it? Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.

Quentin Sorry.

Quentin The day has come. Tonight pirate radio dies. From midnight, we are a ghost ship floating without hope on cold and dark waters. You have done almighty work here. Thank you. But your work is done.

The Count Not mine, sir. I'm an American citizen and I don't give a hootenanny God damn about your nitpicking limey laws. I intend to broadcast from this ship 24 hours a day until the day I die. And then for a couple days after that.

Gavin Cavanagh Not wanting to sound rude or anything, but don't you think that might be an ever so slightly monotonous experience for the listener? What do you say to 12 hours each, noble sir?

Angus The way I look at it, the world couldn't survive without my comedy, and who's going to have the moral backbone to play the Seekers when the mood is right?

Dave They've split up.

Angus I intend to celebrate the back catalogue.

Dave I intend to stop you doing so.

Simon As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage, but I survived that because I live for music. And now, with nothing else to live for, I'm willing to die for it as well.

John I've always lived for news and weather. Happy to die for them, too. Especially the weather.

Bob Silver I've got nowhere else to go.

Harold I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham. So I think I'll stick around.

Felicity Can't let everyone starve. And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me when I return to normal life.

Thick Kevin I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me. Not about to go anywhere, just when I'm in with a chance.

Young Carl Obviously, I'm in. You're the only people in the world who like me.

Young Carl Oh, by the way, our late night DJ Bob? He just wanted to tell you, "Muddy Waters rocks".

Charlotte Oh my God, he didn't... He didn't tell you, did he?

Young Carl Tell me what?

Charlotte What?

Young Carl Oh no, you didn't... You didn't sleep with him, did you?

Charlotte Well, of course I slept with him. Everyone did. He was absolutely gorgeous.

Young Carl You're talking about Bob? Bearded, beasty Bob?

Charlotte Well, I can't speak to the beast part but I can tell you that back then, he was clean shaven.

Young Carl When?

Charlotte Oh I don't know. Quit badgering me. How old are you?

Young Carl Eighteen and a half.

Charlotte Well, I guess it would have been nineteen and a quarter years ago. Give or take. There's my boat. That poor man must have been waiting for ages. I'm so glad we got that sorted out, aren't you? And tell Mark... you know... that it was a lovely, lovely night.

Young Carl No! No!

Thick Kevin I find alcohol rather sharpens my mind...

Taglines They rocked. They rolled. Then they sank.

Taglines On air. Off shore. Out of control.