The Cat in the Hat (2003) - Quotes

Taglines: Cats with hats only.

Taglines: The Cat is Back!

Taglines: Don't mess with the hat.

Taglines: The ultimate game of cat and house.

Cat: [turns to viewers, revealing the narrator's voice to end the story; turns the microphone away] Oh! Hello! I was just...uh, I really should be going. How'd they get so smart?

Cat: [takes out his phunometer and uses it on Conrad and Sally as it reads "Just Right"; to Sally; to Conrad; puts away his phunometer] Okay. We had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. Looks like everything's in balance. But you're still smoking way too many cigars. And you...lay off the sauce!

Sally: Cat, this day has been...amazing. Thank you, Cat.

Conrad: [embraces Sally] For everything.

Cat: [smiles; after he bows with his hat, he starts to leave for the back door] Conrad? Sally? Adieu.

Sally: Cat!

Conrad: Cat!

Cat: Huh?

Sally: Wait, Cat!

Conrad: Don't go!

Cat: [hears the front door] Aw, now what? Oh!

Cat: [jumping excitedly; notices Sally and Conrad] I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! Okay, we did it.

Sally: I don't think we did anything.

Conrad: [angrily scolds Cat] The place is still a wreck. Cat, you said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay, but it's not. It's a complete disaster!

Cat: [in a tennis outfit; swings a tennis racket, then opens his hat, pouring out red-and-white tennis balls; he sniffs one] Well, what are you gonna do? Tennis, anyone? Ooh...Love that new ball smell.

Conrad: [surprised] Hey. Your hat. It's magic again?

Cat: Oops. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?

Sally: You had your real hat this whole time?

Cat: [wheezing laugh] Uh-yup. I planned the whole day.

Conrad: What do you mean you planned the whole day? All of it?

Cat: Uh-yup.

Sally: The house getting trashed?

Cat: Uh-yup.

Conrad: Quinn taking Nevins?

Cat: Uh-yup.

Sally: Cutting off your tail?

Cat: [a piece of the house falls behind him with a crash, startling him] Uh-nope. No.

Conrad: You even knew I'd open the crate?

Cat: [serves a ball, which shatters a window, a cat yowling is heard] Why do ya think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles?

Sally: Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.

Conrad: Cat, you need to get out.

Cat: I don't know that game.

Conrad: It's not a game. None of this is a game.

Cat: [starts to become dejected] But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.

Conrad: Look around, Cat, you were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. But you don't know when enough is enough. Now, GO!

Cat: [sadly] Suzy...Cromwell...Please.

Sally and Conrad: [furiously pointing; heartbroken, the Cat turns to leave, but then comes back, about to say something, resulting the two kids pointing once more] OUT! OUT!

Fish: [comes out of the jar; debris of the house falls over from behind Conrad and Sally; goes back into the jar] Good riddance! Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but... Like I said, not the time.

Sally: [as she takes her coat off] I'll get the mop and the bucket. Conrad, you might wanna get out of here until Mom has a chance to calm down.

Conrad: [sadly] No, this was my fault. I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?

Sally: I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.

Conrad: [confused] Really? Why?

Sally: Two reasons. One: The stairs are destroyed. Two... This is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.

Conrad: [smiles in a satisfied way] Thanks, Sally.

Sally: [smiles back] By the way, you're a pretty good brother.

Conrad: [the front doorknob slowly turns] Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school. Well, here goes.

Cat: [singing; his song ends and goes back to speaking; Conrad and Sally look down in despair] Bet you thought I'd gone, bet you felt a sting, bet you never thought I'd have another song to sing! But now that you've learned your lesson, allow me to blow your mind by reading to you the small print of the contract that you signed! Okay. Section 8, article, 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. Heh heh. It reads "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate, the contract shall be null and void". "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.

Both: YEAH!

Cat: So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.

Both: D-I-R-T?

Cat: [wheezing laugh] That's right!

Conrad: [seeing flames in the toilet] Is that the toilet?

Cat: You might want to hold it for a while. Something like that really burns my eyes!

Cat: See, Corn Dog? This is why I warned you not to open the crate!

Larry: [the siren is heard] Look Joan, they don't beat them everyday.

Joan: [A police motorcycle parks on back of her car] Oh, great. I'm sorry, Officer. Was I Speeding?

Thing 1: [dressed as a policeman, with sunglasses; Larry's car comes driving against Joan's car; she gives Thing 1 the receipt] Mekka dekka license, appa registration. Mekka dekka, you're one hot mama.

Larry: Hey, that's my car. Joan, we better go right away!

Joan: [as Thing 1 eats the receipt and stuffs it in his mouth] Please, let me handle this. I'm so sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.

Larry: [gets out of Joan's car; Thing 2 lifts Thing 1 up yelling, Takes the motorcycle, chasing Cat, Conrad and Sally] I'm not gonna let them get away with this! MEET ME AT THE HOUSE!

Larry: Not so fast, you little maggots! Ha-ha! Oh, you are so busted. Now get inside.

Conrad: Oh, you don't want to go in there. It's going to be a total-

Larry: Aah!

Conrad: What happened? What about the Mother of All Messes?

Sally: I don't know.

Larry: [sneezes] Why am I sneezing?

Cat: [laughs] That'd be me. Boo!

Larry: [sneezes, screams; falls off the edge; lands on purple ocean] You're a giant... Cat! Judas Priest!

Fish: [Inside his water filled jar, he is okay] I think I wet my jar.

Conrad: [The Cat pulls out keys and starts the vehicle, but it is not working; Larry laughs and drives into Humberfloob's Real Estate] Can we do that again? Hey, there he is! Oh no! He's going into mom's office! Come on, Cat!

Larry: You know, Nevins. When Joan finds out you escaped again, Conrad will be moving out, and I'll be moving in.

Conrad: We've gotta get Nevins and that lock back.

Sally: What are we going to do?

Cat: [opens a plan file, and the first one that says...; flips through the first one and the second one saying...] Don't worry, I have three plans. ...Plan A: Mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that... ...Plan B: Cut your losses and ditch the kids. That could work.

Sally: What about that one?

Cat: [flips through a page and the third one was...; closes the Plan file] ...Plan C: Trick Mom's boyfriend over handing over Dog and Lock. I don't know, I still like Plan B.

Both: Cat!

Cat: Okay, okay. Plan C. Look at you, Argh!

Zumzimeroo Man: Excuse me sir, I'd like you to sign my petition, Yeah.

Larry: Get out of my way, you hippie freak.

Zumzimeroo Man: Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzimeroo?

Larry: What will it take to get you out of my face?

Zumzimeroo Man: [hands over the petition to Larry] Just sign my petition, with this large, oversized pen that requires two hands.

Larry: I see.

Both: Yes!

Larry: Will you hold my dog?

Zumzimeroo Man: [Larry hands over Nevins to Zumzimeroo Man, Singing] Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog". I don't use the "D" word perse cause I think it's really really wrong. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm not comfortable with that really, yeah. How much is that Canine-American in the window?

Both: Cat, Come on!

Larry: [sees the trio running off with Nevins while signing the Petition] Hey, what the- COME BACK HERE! I'M ON TO YOU KIDS!

Cat: Nothing to see here. Come on, Kids!

Conrad: Come on! Let's go. Ah, get in! get in!

Cat: Come on, Let's go! Get in! Hi! Hi! Get in! Get in!

Cat: [stops to a halt; Sees a woman dressed in a bikini dancing, he and her dance] Look out below! Oh! Sorry, over there. Hey! Hey hey! Hey hey! Ohh!

Larry: [enters the dance party house] I GOT YOU!

Sally: Here he comes...

Both: [Larry starts pushing everyone out of his way, and The Cat searches through hats] ...CAT!

Cat: Where's my hat? Let's go! Ah! Ah! My tail! My tail!

Conrad: Come on, Cat!

Cat: I'm walking here!

Lawrence: Joan. Joan!

Sally: I think we lost him.

Crab Lock: [about to be put in Conrad's pocket] NOT THE POCKET! NOT THE POCKET!

Conrad: We got the lock back. Now let's get home.

Cat: [looks at his hat] Relax, kid. I'm all over it. Hey.

Conrad: What's wrong?

Cat: This. This is not my hat. I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.

Sally: So?

Cat: [puts back his hat on] So... Without my hat, I'm just your garden-variety, six-foot-tall, talking cat.

Lawrence: [he and Joan are walking to the car] Joan, your children are running around town like complete maniacs. Yes, they are. With some weird, hairy man in a big hat. Joan, you're gonna believe everything I'm telling you once we get to your house, okay? Come on.

Cat: We're doomed!

Conrad: We're dead. This is all my fault. I'm such an idiot. Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to? Wait a second. That's it! The opposite! Hey, Things! Don't help us! Do not show up and help us get home right now!

Thing: We're goin on a road trip!

Conrad: Larry's car?

Cat: How'd you get so smart?

Larry: [sing-song; Nevins urinates on the taco; looks at the taco, sniffs it, looking disgusted] I'm sending Conrad away! Oh! I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!

Conrad: Wow! That is so cool!

Cat: [removes cover, exposing an unusual car] That's just the dust cover. Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.

Sally: S-L-O-W?

Cat: Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

Conrad: Oh! You mean----

Cat: [cutting Conrad off; chortles as he, Conrad an Sally get in] D'OH! Quick, to the SLOW! Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.

Conrad: RESCUE it!

Cat: [chortles as he puts the fish on top] Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. GPS check. DVD/CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech. Siren!

Fish: [the jets shoot fire, screams] What are you - what - Siren?

Cat: LET'S GO!

Conrad: There he is!

Sally: Denise? Everybody I know is there. There's Ginny and Alan, how come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?

Conrad: Don't worry. Let's just get Nevins and go.

Woman: Okay Kids, everyone outside!

Conrad: Cat, get down! they're gonna see you! Hide!

Kids: [A kid whacks the Cat with a bat] Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata!

Denise: [children starts to whack the Cat with bats] Everybody join in! It's breaking!

Dumb Schweitzer: [drags a bat before he can hit The Cat] Step out of my way.

Conrad: This cannot end well...

Ginny, Alan, Denise and the Children: Pinata! Pinata!

Singer: Easy, Easy like Sunday mor-

Conrad: [Grabs candy from the Pinata] I got an idea! Candy!

Both: NO!

Mrs. Kwan: I'd love to buy some.

Joan: Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It's Joan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay?

Mrs. Kwan: [Chuckles; Thing 1 is dressed as Conrad and Thing 2 is dressed as Sally too, they laugh and Mrs. Kwan starts laughing] Those aren't children, they're little angels.

Joan: That's sweet. Well, all right Mrs. Kwan I'll be home as soon as I can. bye-bye.

Cat: [The trio leave off screen] There, that oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids, let's go go go!

Larry: [two Repomen enter his apartment] Yeah! What do you want now?

Repo Guy: [Gives Lawrence a form about his TV repossession notice] Repo.

Larry: [Gets out his wallet; the Repo crew leaves with Larry's television, So he looks outside] You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. If it's about that balance check, here let me give you a credit card. It's expired.

Narrator: [Larry gets the phone and Joan then answers who's on the phone] With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning.

Joan: Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no-

Larry: Oh, hi, Joan, the kids let the dog out again.

Joan: You're kidding.

Larry: Don't worry, I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.

Joan: I don't know, Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's... Very sensitive.

Larry: Uh-huh.

Joan: [sighs] But I suppose it's something I should consider.

Larry: [Dial tone hums and Joan puts up the phone, Larry picks on his belly button and groans] I'll get the dog, I'll be right over.

Conrad: Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.

Cat: I though the moment needed something.

Fish: [comes out of the jar; starts to get upset; acts like a dried-up fish] Oh. What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job? And we'll have to... LIVE ON THE STREET! I CAN'T GO! I DON'T MAKE ME GO! I DON'T KNOW THIS WORLD! IT'S DRY, AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Conrad: Fish!

Fish: [still upset] IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO MUCH!

Cat: Would you like to go back in the toilet?

Fish: [stops crying] On second thought, It was such a beautiful day, Why can't it spend indoors?

Cat: [The Fish gasps and holds his breath and he gets inside the Jar] Thank you!

Cat: Sally, Kojak, that's nothing compared to what's going to happen if we don't lock this crate! Take a look! It's already leaking!

Cat: [Drinks pineapple punch with an umbrella and a goofy straw, Things cackle] Zinga!

Thing 2: [The two accidentally catch themselves with nets] Zinga, Zinga!

Thing 1: Blue! 41! Set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Sally: Hey Thing! Don't let go of that dog!

Thing 1: [throws Nevins, and he comes flying like a football] Let go!

Conrad: [screams and Nevins flies outside the window and lands in the ground, the Crab lock chuckles] Catch him! I mean, don't catch him!

Cat: [to Ms. Kwan; realizes the Crab Lock on the crate disappeared] If this were my house, I'd be furious. Hey, Klondike! Do you have any idea what happened to the lock on this crate?

Conrad: It's on Nevins collar.

Cat: Nevins?

Thing 2: Don't belittle me.

Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears for the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.

Thing 2: And all of the above.

Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also except Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da! Or Ben.

Thing 2: [chuckles] Ben".

Cat: [for the Things bickering; quickly closes for the crate after Conrad foolishly opened it] Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand. Okay, enough! You're quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things! Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.

Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.

Cat: This isn't just any ol crate. It's for the Transdimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.

Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".

Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines. Look. Now I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening for the crate. No looky, no touchy. Got it?

Thing 1: Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.

The Cat: [holding Joan's dress; purrs and wipes the purple stuff off the wall, Sally and Conrad are horrified] Look, I'm a girl.

Sally: STOP! THAT'S...

Conrad and Sally: MOM'S DRESS!!!

The Cat: [shocked] This filthy thing?

Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it.

The Cat: [snaps his fingers two times; snaps his fingers two times again] Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. Mmmm, mmmm, yeah, Mmm, mmm, yeah, mmmmm-mmmmmm...

The Fish: [the Cat groans] I told you all of this would happen. But no one listens to a fish! A dog goes woof-woof and everybody knows that a little Timmy's trapped under a log, but a fish speaks plain English.

Announcer: Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.

The Guy in the Sweater: [applause] Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from {{w|Cheshire}}, England, please welcome...

Cheshire Cat: [applause] ME! Hello! Now...Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?

The Guy in the Sweater: [laughs] I know I do.

Cheshire Cat: [slides appliances off the counter; brings out the Cupcake-Inator; laughs] Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... ...for the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited!

The Guy in the Sweater: Cupcake-a-what?

Cheshire Cat: [the crowd joins in] CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.

The Guy in the Sweater: Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?

Cheshire Cat: Anything!

The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?

Cheshire Cat: Yes, anything.

The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?

Cheshire Cat: Anything.

The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?

Cheshire Cat: [angrily turns to the guy in the sweater; the crowd laughs; says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator] I'll get you and it'll look like a bloody accident! Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. You can put in, I don't know why, a carton of eggs.

The Guy in the Sweater: [amazed] What?!

Cheshire Cat: How about a pack of hot dogs?

The Guy in the Sweater: [laughing] That's incredible!

Cheshire Cat: Why not some ketchup?

The Guy in the Sweater: Yes, why not?!

Cheshire Cat: [closes the lid] How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. Now, close for the lid and Bob's your flippin uncle.

The Guy in the Sweater: [laughs] What an astounding product!

The Cat in the Hat: Oh yeah!

Cheshire Cat: [drawer open; a purple solution pours out; drawer closes; applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven] Open for the drawer. Fill up the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. Close for the drawer. Then place it in a conventional oven. Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

The Guy in the Sweater: [the crowd joins in] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!

Cheshire Cat: [the crowd groans] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

The Guy in the Sweater: Now wait just a minute...

Cheshire Cat: And your ugly, just like your mum.

The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just call my mother ugly?

Cheshire Cat: [furiously holds up a meat cutter; violently grunts as he accidentally cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief] OH, SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU!

Sally: Um, Cat... Your tail.

Cheshire Cat: [shockingly sees his tail cut in half, then angrily curses] What about it? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... SON OF A----

Cat: Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue. I'm just saying we have a case. We'll talk later. Ixnay, ixnay.

Conrad: Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?

Cat: Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack.

Conrad: Conrad.

Cat: That's what I said, Condor.

Conrad: Cat!

Cat: Now, that's my name!

Cat: Yep. They're done!

Conrad: Oh, man!

Cat: [he chuckles] Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! What now?

Sally: Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.

Conrad: She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on them or something.

Cat: And she's right, you can't jump on these. Not like this... They need some adjustment!

Catwrench: [Spits and searches the couch for things like a truck lifter and a tennis racker; farts; pulls out a tennis racket; pulls out a Red heavy truck lifter; An elephant trunk comes out of the couch trumpeting; takes the tennis racket and hits the elephant trunk, it sprays water at him and continues trumpeting] Yee-Haw! Let's Take a Look under the hood! Yeah. Just doing my job Sorry, what have we got here... Here we go... It's oversized, That's unusual. Here it is. Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! Spray me, would you? Oh---

Catwrench: [gets under the couch; starts fixing the couch, as more sparks come out from under; ends up getting sucked up under the couch, and then comes back from the under] Thanks for the help. back in a second, who's your couch mechanic? you better call Mr. Catwrench... Owww! My Fur! MY FUR! MY FUR! That oughta do it! Whew!

Cat: Come on, Kids! I could use a little company!

Sally: What about Mom's party?

Conrad: [joins in jumping in the couch with the Cat] What about it? We signed the contract!

Cat: One cushion left, Sally!

Conrad: She'll never do it. She doesn't Know how to have fun.

The Fish: Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you "No one sets foot in the living room." You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.

Joan: [In flashback with her voice slowed down] Absolutely, no one sets foot in the living room or else...

Mr. Humberfloob: [In flashback; Deep breath, and then he continues] ...You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired...

Fish: [The Cat grabs him and he Screams in shock, And gets thrown into the toilet] And that's why... This is where they buried my brother!

Conrad: This is amazing!

Sally: Like being in the circus!

The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See kids, I told you we could have fun.

Conrad: The best thing is, no one will ever... Know.

Larry: Judas priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Sally: Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad, bad!

Larry: Sally. Baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret okay? NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!

Sally: Where's the cat?

Conrad: I don't know.

Larry: [Comes back on screen with beer and bread, burps as Sally starts to exclaim in disgust; The Cat jumps onto the couch. flies up, and hangs in the ceiling, starts scratching his hair, fur starts falling on him, starts sneezing; continues sneezing; Sneezes; Sneezes; Sneezes and then walks to the door, Unfortunately, for his misfortune, He Sneezes again; sneezes twice and then he leaves the house, The two laugh] Good bread. What are you two looking at? Is there a Cat in here? I'm gonna-- You're gonna-- I have to-- Get out of here.

Cat: [Cat Suddenly sneezes just like Larry and falls off from the ceiling screaming] See, kids. I told you. Stick with me, it'll all work out. Little known fact, Cats always land on their tushy!

Conrad: I thought they always landed on their feet.

Cat: Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph!

Fish: STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!

Conrad: Who said that?

Fish: ME! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then NOTHING!

Sally: The fish is talking.

Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really. No...

Fish: Hey, socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.

Cat: [laughs] C'mon, kids! Ya gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees.

Cat: Just as I suspected, you guys are both outta whack. Mm-hmm. You're a control freak and now you're a rule breaker. That'll be $700, Who's your insurance carrier?

Conrad: So what do we do?

Cat: [pulls out a shot; Sprays a shot, making a little water come out of it; does the trumpet while doing the musical number] Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend, One is a series of a painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. And the other... Involves a musical number! ME-ME-ME-MEOW!!!

Sally: How many shots?

Cat: [wheezingly copies Sally] How many shots?" Aren't you precious?

Sally: Who are you?

Cat: Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"?..."key lime"?..."turpentine"? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk, that should be enough for you people!

Sally: Where did you come from?

Cat: Hmm, how do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...

Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?

Cat: My place, what do you think?

Conrad: No, how did you get here?

Cat: I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph!

Sally: Sorry Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?

Cat: [laughs as he uses the wooden board as a surfboard; laughs and hoots until he puts the wooden board back; looking at a photo of Joan; in a risque joke, his hat proceeds to lift off his head] Milk? Ecch! NO! Lactose Intolerant, gums up the works. You'll thank me later. Hello! Surf's up! Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! Who is this?

Conrad: That's my mom.

Cat: Awkward. Yeah.

Conrad: I think it came from the closet.

Sally: [a black teddy bear flies into her face, Conrad laughs, she gives Conrad back the black bear plush] Conrad? Conrad? Come on, Conrad. Ah! You shouldn't scare people.

Conrad: [throws his bear back in the closet] You should've seen the look on your face. You look like you saw a monster.

The Cat in the Hat: A monster? Where?

Conrad and Sally: Ahhhhh!

Cat: That could've gone better.

Sally: What was that?

Conrad: I don't know, it looked like a humongous cat.

Cat: [turns on the light; laughs as Conrad and Sally scream, and they run to Joan's Bedroom, and they hide under the bed] Humongous? I prefer the term "big boned" or "jolly". Now what are we hiding from?

Sally: That was a giant cat!

Conrad: But that's impossible, isn't it?

Cat: [He hides under the bed with them.] It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this hiding place a lot better, they'll never find us here.

Conrad: Mom, That guy's a total phony, you can't let Larry-

Joan: [Interrupting; hears the doorbell ring, opens the door and a caterer named Kate is shown holding the box] It's Lawrence, Conrad.

Kate: Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.

Joan: Oh hi. Where's Kate?

Kate: I'm Kate.

Joan: [she and Kate walk, and has a tray full of sweets in it] Oh. Right this way, Kate.

Conrad: [phone rings] Mom, you've gotta listen to me--

Joan: QUIET!

Sally: [Joan screams and sees Nevins eating chocolate] Two weeks ago, you said you would-- I "specialed" it. see?

Joan: [phone rings] Quiet, Nevins. I SAID QUIET! Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.

Mr. Humberfloob: This is Mr. Humberfloob.

Joan: Oh hi, Mr. Humberfloob.

Mr. Humberfloob: Joan, I need you come back to the office.

Joan: Today?

Mr. Humberfloob: Yes, Joan. No problem.

Joan: No problem at all.

Mr. Humberfloob: Great!

Sally: [as Joan hangs up the phone] What's going on, Mommy?

Joan: Mommy has to go back to the Office, Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can Babysit!

Conrad: [cut to the veiw of the door, It's a elder Taiwanese woman named Mrs. Kwan, the doorbell rings as Mrs. Joan opens the door] Not Mrs. Kwan!

Joan: Hi, Mrs. Kwan.

Mrs. Kwan: [holding a bag containing a ball of yarn and knitting tools] Hi.

Joan: [Mrs. Kwan yawns; takes Conrad's gamepad away] Oh, I'm running late, thanks for babysitting such for a different notice. I'll be back in a couple of hours. Conrad's grounded, so no video games. Sally, last chance, if you want to make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend, Ginny's house.

Sally: Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted me to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.

Joan: What about Denise, then?

Sally: She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.

Joan: And you don't like bossy?

Sally: I won't tolerate it.

Joan: Alright. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules... Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone "city morgue".

Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?

Joan: [thinks for a moment] No chewing tobacco.

Sally: Thanks, Mom. You have my word.

Joan: And absolutely, No one sets foot in the l living room or else...

Conrad: or else what you're going to do what Larry said and send me the military school?

Joan: Maybe If you would just behave, I wouldn't have to consider Military school. I wish I could trust you.

Conrad: I wish I had a different mom.

Joan: Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.

Joan: Good luck with your meeting!

Mrs. Kwan: [Turns on the TV while the two walk over to the couch. However, a TV shows Taiwanese Parliament members fighting] Children, would you like to watch TV with me? We don't have to tell your mother!

Conrad and Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.

Mrs. Kwan: [karate noises; Conrad and Sally walk to the chair and sit, Nevins yawns and lies down; she then falls asleep] You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big Government! Rip his heart out! Hit me!

Joan: You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.

Conrad: Mom, I know you're angry, but there's something you need to know. This was all Sally's fault.

Narrator: [camera zooms into the clouds and the film title design appearing; view of the Anville with people hungry for tutti-frutti, with shopping bags] There are gajillions of stores of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one about a mom and two kids, a house and a hat that oddly enough, was worn by a cat, but soon we will get to all of that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, a city is nestled, that city is Anville.

Kid: Hurry up! We'll miss the movie!

Man: Any more tutti-frutti?

Man #2: I'll check. Thanks!

Narrator: [the Hand Sanitizer truck is shown and the horn is heard honking; the employee puts a box of sanitizer on the mover] It's a town that's not huge, but not quite big enough for buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff from shoes and shirts and elongated ladders to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. So, our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob in the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.

Woman: Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?

Joan Walden: [hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02, and a zero-tolerance boss stands here] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy.

Mr. Hank Humberfloob: [everyone washed their hands and run away to their seats] Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! Look alive everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!

Jim McFlinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...

Mr. Humberfloob: Fired...

Jim McFlinnigan: I beg your pardon?

Mr. Humberfloob: Fired...

Jim McFlinnigan: But I...

Mr. Humberfloob: [he screams in a high level of attitude; as Mr. Humberfloob was saying the above line, Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of Hand Sanitizer; rubs and blows his hands] FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.

Joan: Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.

Mr. Humberfloob: [looks at the picture; pause, he screams again in a very loud toned voice; everyone gasps] Ah yes, your children. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joan: That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.

Mr. Humberfloob: [Joan leaves] Great!

Woman: Humberfloob real estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.

Narrator: If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighbor hood "Hey!".

Man 1: Hey!

Man 2: Hey!

Narrator: Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.

Conrad: Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!

Sally: [Conrad walks to the kitchen; Conrad dumps the apples and the bits out of the bowls] Today's to-do list, Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. What is he doing?

Sally: Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.

Conrad: [he walks upstairs with a bowl and the teddy bear on top of it, the 2 bread packs and 6 sponge cake pack, the color marshmallows on his elbows and the popcorn on his knees; Nevins barks] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Nevins, your attention please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!

Sally: Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related.

Conrad: [stuffs the bread on his pants, and Nevins runs off, he eats the bread, talking with his mouth full] Relax, I'll put everything back. and now for the indoor stair luge!

Sally: Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.

Conrad: [about to get on the tray as Nevins whines and covers her ears, Conrad slides down the stairs yelling and cheering, Joan comes to the house with groceries and her new dress, but screams when they're hit by Conrad; Crashes into Joan's car] Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! YEAH!

Sally: [As Nevins runs out of the house] Nevins? Nevins, Come back!!!!!!!!

Conrad: Hey, Mom, what's up?