29 quotes
The Cat's Unconventional Introduction
Sally
Who are you?
Cat
Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"?..."key lime"?..."turpentine"? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk, that should be enough for you people!
Sally
Where did you come from?
Cat
Hmm, how do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
Cat
My place, what do you think?
Conrad
No, how did you get here?
Cat
I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph!
Sally
Sorry Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?
Cat
Milk? Ecch! NO! Lactose Intolerant, gums up the works. You'll thank me later. Hello! Surf's up! Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
[laughs as he uses the wooden board as a surfboard; laughs and hoots until he puts the wooden board back; looking at a photo of Joan; in a risque joke, his hat proceeds to lift off his head]
Conrad
That's my mom.
Cat
Awkward. Yeah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Escaping Chaos in Mom's Office
Fish
I think I wet my jar.
[Inside his water filled jar, he is okay]
Conrad
Can we do that again? Hey, there he is! Oh no! He's going into mom's office! Come on, Cat!
[The Cat pulls out keys and starts the vehicle, but it is not working; Larry laughs and drives into Humberfloob's Real Estate]
Larry
You know, Nevins. When Joan finds out you escaped again, Conrad will be moving out, and I'll be moving in.
Conrad
We've gotta get Nevins and that lock back.
Sally
What are we going to do?
Cat
Don't worry, I have three plans. ...Plan A: Mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that... ...Plan B: Cut your losses and ditch the kids. That could work.
[opens a plan file, and the first one that says...; flips through the first one and the second one saying...]
Sally
What about that one?
Cat
...Plan C: Trick Mom's boyfriend over handing over Dog and Lock. I don't know, I still like Plan B.
[flips through a page and the third one was...; closes the Plan file]
Both
Cat!
Cat
Okay, okay. Plan C. Look at you, Argh!
Zumzimeroo Man
Excuse me sir, I'd like you to sign my petition, Yeah.
Larry
Get out of my way, you hippie freak.
Zumzimeroo Man
Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzimeroo?
Larry
What will it take to get you out of my face?
Zumzimeroo Man
Just sign my petition, with this large, oversized pen that requires two hands.
[hands over the petition to Larry]
Larry
I see.
Both
Yes!
Larry
Will you hold my dog?
Zumzimeroo Man
Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog". I don't use the "D" word perse cause I think it's really really wrong. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm not comfortable with that really, yeah. How much is that Canine-American in the window?
[Larry hands over Nevins to Zumzimeroo Man, Singing]
Both
Cat, Come on!
Larry
Hey, what the- COME BACK HERE! I'M ON TO YOU KIDS!
[sees the trio running off with Nevins while signing the Petition]
Cat
Nothing to see here. Come on, Kids!
Conrad
Come on! Let's go. Ah, get in! get in!
Cat
Come on, Let's go! Get in! Hi! Hi! Get in! Get in!
Cat
Look out below! Oh! Sorry, over there. Hey! Hey hey! Hey hey! Ohh!
[stops to a halt; Sees a woman dressed in a bikini dancing, he and her dance]
Larry
I GOT YOU!
[enters the dance party house]
Sally
Here he comes...
Both
...CAT!
[Larry starts pushing everyone out of his way, and The Cat searches through hats]
Cat
Where's my hat? Let's go! Ah! Ah! My tail! My tail!
Conrad
Come on, Cat!
Cat
I'm walking here!
Lawrence
Joan. Joan!
Sally
I think we lost him.
Crab Lock
NOT THE POCKET! NOT THE POCKET!
[about to be put in Conrad's pocket]
Conrad
We got the lock back. Now let's get home.
Cat
Relax, kid. I'm all over it. Hey.
[looks at his hat]
Conrad
What's wrong?
Cat
This. This is not my hat. I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.
Sally
So?
Cat
So... Without my hat, I'm just your garden-variety, six-foot-tall, talking cat.
[puts back his hat on]
Lawrence
Joan, your children are running around town like complete maniacs. Yes, they are. With some weird, hairy man in a big hat. Joan, you're gonna believe everything I'm telling you once we get to your house, okay? Come on.
[he and Joan are walking to the car]
Cat
We're doomed!
Conrad
We're dead. This is all my fault. I'm such an idiot. Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to? Wait a second. That's it! The opposite! Hey, Things! Don't help us! Do not show up and help us get home right now!
Thing
We're goin on a road trip!
Conrad
Larry's car?
Cat
How'd you get so smart?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Party Planning in a Restricted Space
Cat
Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! What now?
[he chuckles]
Sally
Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
Conrad
She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on them or something.
Cat
And she's right, you can't jump on these. Not like this... They need some adjustment!
Catwrench
Yee-Haw! Let's Take a Look under the hood! Yeah. Just doing my job Sorry, what have we got here... Here we go... It's oversized, That's unusual. Here it is. Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! Spray me, would you? Oh---
[Spits and searches the couch for things like a truck lifter and a tennis racker; farts; pulls out a tennis racket; pulls out a Red heavy truck lifter; An elephant trunk comes out of the couch trumpeting; takes the tennis racket and hits the elephant trunk, it sprays water at him and continues trumpeting]
Catwrench
Thanks for the help. back in a second, who's your couch mechanic? you better call Mr. Catwrench... Owww! My Fur! MY FUR! MY FUR! That oughta do it! Whew!
[gets under the couch; starts fixing the couch, as more sparks come out from under; ends up getting sucked up under the couch, and then comes back from the under]
Cat
Come on, Kids! I could use a little company!
Sally
What about Mom's party?
Conrad
What about it? We signed the contract!
[joins in jumping in the couch with the Cat]
Cat
One cushion left, Sally!
Conrad
She'll never do it. She doesn't Know how to have fun.
The Fish
Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you "No one sets foot in the living room." You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
Joan
Absolutely, no one sets foot in the living room or else...
[In flashback with her voice slowed down]
Mr. Humberfloob
...You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired...
[In flashback; Deep breath, and then he continues]
Fish
And that's why... This is where they buried my brother!
[The Cat grabs him and he Screams in shock, And gets thrown into the toilet]
Conrad
This is amazing!
Sally
Like being in the circus!
The Cat
Yeah, but without those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See kids, I told you we could have fun.
Conrad
The best thing is, no one will ever... Know.
Larry
Judas priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Sally
Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad, bad!
Larry
Sally. Baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret okay? NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!
Sally
Where's the cat?
Conrad
I don't know.
Larry
Good bread. What are you two looking at? Is there a Cat in here? I'm gonna-- You're gonna-- I have to-- Get out of here.
[Comes back on screen with beer and bread, burps as Sally starts to exclaim in disgust; The Cat jumps onto the couch. flies up, and hangs in the ceiling, starts scratching his hair, fur starts falling on him, starts sneezing; continues sneezing; Sneezes; Sneezes; Sneezes and then walks to the door, Unfortunately, for his misfortune, He Sneezes again; sneezes twice and then he leaves the house, The two laugh]
Cat
See, kids. I told you. Stick with me, it'll all work out. Little known fact, Cats always land on their tushy!
[Cat Suddenly sneezes just like Larry and falls off from the ceiling screaming]
Conrad
I thought they always landed on their feet.
Cat
Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Birthday Invitation Surprise
Conrad
There he is!
Sally
Denise? Everybody I know is there. There's Ginny and Alan, how come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?
Conrad
Don't worry. Let's just get Nevins and go.
Woman
Okay Kids, everyone outside!
Conrad
Cat, get down! they're gonna see you! Hide!
Kids
Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata!
[A kid whacks the Cat with a bat]
Denise
Everybody join in! It's breaking!
[children starts to whack the Cat with bats]
Dumb Schweitzer
Step out of my way.
[drags a bat before he can hit The Cat]
Conrad
This cannot end well...
Ginny, Alan, Denise and the Children
Pinata! Pinata!
Singer
Easy, Easy like Sunday mor-
Conrad
I got an idea! Candy!
[Grabs candy from the Pinata]
Both
NO!
Mrs. Kwan
I'd love to buy some.
Joan
Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It's Joan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay?
Mrs. Kwan
Those aren't children, they're little angels.
[Chuckles; Thing 1 is dressed as Conrad and Thing 2 is dressed as Sally too, they laugh and Mrs. Kwan starts laughing]
Joan
That's sweet. Well, all right Mrs. Kwan I'll be home as soon as I can. bye-bye.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mysterious Sounds Emerge from the Closet
Conrad
I think it came from the closet.
Sally
Conrad? Conrad? Come on, Conrad. Ah! You shouldn't scare people.
[a black teddy bear flies into her face, Conrad laughs, she gives Conrad back the black bear plush]
Conrad
You should've seen the look on your face. You look like you saw a monster.
[throws his bear back in the closet]
The Cat in the Hat
A monster? Where?
Conrad and Sally
Ahhhhh!
Cat
That could've gone better.
Sally
What was that?
Conrad
I don't know, it looked like a humongous cat.
Cat
Humongous? I prefer the term "big boned" or "jolly". Now what are we hiding from?
[turns on the light; laughs as Conrad and Sally scream, and they run to Joan's Bedroom, and they hide under the bed]
Sally
That was a giant cat!
Conrad
But that's impossible, isn't it?
Cat
It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this hiding place a lot better, they'll never find us here.
[He hides under the bed with them.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unfulfilled Promises and Chaos in Playtime
Cat
I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! Okay, we did it.
[jumping excitedly; notices Sally and Conrad]
Sally
I don't think we did anything.
Conrad
The place is still a wreck. Cat, you said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay, but it's not. It's a complete disaster!
[angrily scolds Cat]
Cat
Well, what are you gonna do? Tennis, anyone? Ooh...Love that new ball smell.
[in a tennis outfit; swings a tennis racket, then opens his hat, pouring out red-and-white tennis balls; he sniffs one]
Conrad
Hey. Your hat. It's magic again?
[surprised]
Cat
Oops. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?
Sally
You had your real hat this whole time?
Cat
Uh-yup. I planned the whole day.
[wheezing laugh]
Conrad
What do you mean you planned the whole day? All of it?
Cat
Uh-yup.
Sally
The house getting trashed?
Cat
Uh-yup.
Conrad
Quinn taking Nevins?
Cat
Uh-yup.
Sally
Cutting off your tail?
Cat
Uh-nope. No.
[a piece of the house falls behind him with a crash, startling him]
Conrad
You even knew I'd open the crate?
Cat
Why do ya think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles?
[serves a ball, which shatters a window, a cat yowling is heard]
Sally
Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.
Conrad
Cat, you need to get out.
Cat
I don't know that game.
Conrad
It's not a game. None of this is a game.
Cat
But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
[starts to become dejected]
Conrad
Look around, Cat, you were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. But you don't know when enough is enough. Now, GO!
Cat
Suzy...Cromwell...Please.
[sadly]
Sally and Conrad
OUT! OUT!
[furiously pointing; heartbroken, the Cat turns to leave, but then comes back, about to say something, resulting the two kids pointing once more]
Fish
Good riddance! Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but... Like I said, not the time.
[comes out of the jar; debris of the house falls over from behind Conrad and Sally; goes back into the jar]
Sally
I'll get the mop and the bucket. Conrad, you might wanna get out of here until Mom has a chance to calm down.
[as she takes her coat off]
Conrad
No, this was my fault. I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?
[sadly]
Sally
I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.
Conrad
Really? Why?
[confused]
Sally
Two reasons. One: The stairs are destroyed. Two... This is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.
Conrad
Thanks, Sally.
[smiles in a satisfied way]
Sally
By the way, you're a pretty good brother.
[smiles back]
Conrad
Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school. Well, here goes.
[the front doorknob slowly turns]
Cat
Bet you thought I'd gone, bet you felt a sting, bet you never thought I'd have another song to sing! But now that you've learned your lesson, allow me to blow your mind by reading to you the small print of the contract that you signed! Okay. Section 8, article, 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. Heh heh. It reads "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate, the contract shall be null and void". "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.
[singing; his song ends and goes back to speaking; Conrad and Sally look down in despair]
Both
YEAH!
Cat
So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.
Both
D-I-R-T?
Cat
That's right!
[wheezing laugh]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction of the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger
Conrad
Wow! That is so cool!
Cat
That's just the dust cover. Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
[removes cover, exposing an unusual car]
Sally
S-L-O-W?
Cat
Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad
Oh! You mean----
Cat
D'OH! Quick, to the SLOW! Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.
[cutting Conrad off; chortles as he, Conrad an Sally get in]
Conrad
RESCUE it!
Cat
Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. GPS check. DVD/CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech. Siren!
[chortles as he puts the fish on top]
Fish
What are you - what - Siren?
[the jets shoot fire, screams]
Cat
LET'S GO!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Fish's Unexpected Voice in Chaos
Fish
STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
Conrad
Who said that?
Fish
ME! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then NOTHING!
Sally
The fish is talking.
Cat
Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really. No...
Fish
Hey, socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.
Cat
C'mon, kids! Ya gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees.
[laughs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange About the Toilet
Conrad
Is that the toilet?
[seeing flames in the toilet]
Cat
You might want to hold it for a while. Something like that really burns my eyes!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exciting Announcement for Astounding Cupcake Product
Announcer
Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
The Guy in the Sweater
Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from {{w|Cheshire}}, England, please welcome...
[applause]
Cheshire Cat
ME! Hello! Now...Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?
[applause]
The Guy in the Sweater
I know I do.
[laughs]
Cheshire Cat
Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... ...for the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited!
[slides appliances off the counter; brings out the Cupcake-Inator; laughs]
The Guy in the Sweater
Cupcake-a-what?
Cheshire Cat
CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
[the crowd joins in]
The Guy in the Sweater
Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?
Cheshire Cat
Anything!
The Guy in the Sweater
Anything?
Cheshire Cat
Yes, anything.
The Guy in the Sweater
Anything?
Cheshire Cat
Anything.
The Guy in the Sweater
Anything?
Cheshire Cat
I'll get you and it'll look like a bloody accident! Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. You can put in, I don't know why, a carton of eggs.
[angrily turns to the guy in the sweater; the crowd laughs; says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator]
The Guy in the Sweater
What?!
[amazed]
Cheshire Cat
How about a pack of hot dogs?
The Guy in the Sweater
That's incredible!
[laughing]
Cheshire Cat
Why not some ketchup?
The Guy in the Sweater
Yes, why not?!
Cheshire Cat
How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. Now, close for the lid and Bob's your flippin uncle.
[closes the lid]
The Guy in the Sweater
What an astounding product!
[laughs]
The Cat in the Hat
Oh yeah!
Cheshire Cat
Open for the drawer. Fill up the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. Close for the drawer. Then place it in a conventional oven. Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
[drawer open; a purple solution pours out; drawer closes; applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven]
The Guy in the Sweater
Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
[the crowd joins in]
Cheshire Cat
You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
[the crowd groans]
The Guy in the Sweater
Now wait just a minute...
Cheshire Cat
And your ugly, just like your mum.
The Guy in the Sweater
Did you just call my mother ugly?
Cheshire Cat
OH, SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU!
[furiously holds up a meat cutter; violently grunts as he accidentally cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief]
Sally
Um, Cat... Your tail.
Cheshire Cat
What about it? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... SON OF A----
[shockingly sees his tail cut in half, then angrily curses]
Cat
Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue. I'm just saying we have a case. We'll talk later. Ixnay, ixnay.
Conrad
Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?
Cat
Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack.
Conrad
Conrad.
Cat
That's what I said, Condor.
Conrad
Cat!
Cat
Now, that's my name!
Cat
Yep. They're done!
Conrad
Oh, man!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Identity and Self-Respect
Thing 2
Don't belittle me.
Cat
Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears for the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
Thing 2
And all of the above.
Cat
He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also except Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da! Or Ben.
Thing 2
Ben".
[chuckles]
Cat
Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand. Okay, enough! You're quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things! Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.
[for the Things bickering; quickly closes for the crate after Conrad foolishly opened it]
Conrad
Why not? It's just a crate.
Cat
This isn't just any ol crate. It's for the Transdimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad
But it says "Made in the Philippines".
Cat
Yes, but not this Philippines. Look. Now I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening for the crate. No looky, no touchy. Got it?
Thing 1
Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unconventional Solutions to Control and Rebellion
Cat
Just as I suspected, you guys are both outta whack. Mm-hmm. You're a control freak and now you're a rule breaker. That'll be $700, Who's your insurance carrier?
Conrad
So what do we do?
Cat
Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend, One is a series of a painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. And the other... Involves a musical number! ME-ME-ME-MEOW!!!
[pulls out a shot; Sprays a shot, making a little water come out of it; does the trumpet while doing the musical number]
Sally
How many shots?
Cat
How many shots?" Aren't you precious?
[wheezingly copies Sally]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cats with Hats Only
Taglines
Cats with hats only.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Encounter Over Repossession
Cat
There, that oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids, let's go go go!
[The trio leave off screen]
Larry
Yeah! What do you want now?
[two Repomen enter his apartment]
Repo Guy
Repo.
[Gives Lawrence a form about his TV repossession notice]
Larry
You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. If it's about that balance check, here let me give you a credit card. It's expired.
[Gets out his wallet; the Repo crew leaves with Larry's television, So he looks outside]
Narrator
With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning.
[Larry gets the phone and Joan then answers who's on the phone]
Joan
Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no-
Larry
Oh, hi, Joan, the kids let the dog out again.
Joan
You're kidding.
Larry
Don't worry, I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.
Joan
I don't know, Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's... Very sensitive.
Larry
Uh-huh.
Joan
But I suppose it's something I should consider.
[sighs]
Larry
I'll get the dog, I'll be right over.
[Dial tone hums and Joan puts up the phone, Larry picks on his belly button and groans]
Conrad
Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.
Cat
I though the moment needed something.
Fish
Oh. What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job? And we'll have to... LIVE ON THE STREET! I CAN'T GO! I DON'T MAKE ME GO! I DON'T KNOW THIS WORLD! IT'S DRY, AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
[comes out of the jar; starts to get upset; acts like a dried-up fish]
Conrad
Fish!
Fish
IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO MUCH!
[still upset]
Cat
Would you like to go back in the toilet?
Fish
On second thought, It was such a beautiful day, Why can't it spend indoors?
[stops crying]
Cat
Thank you!
[The Fish gasps and holds his breath and he gets inside the Jar]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Playful Chaos Among Friends
Cat
Zinga!
[Drinks pineapple punch with an umbrella and a goofy straw, Things cackle]
Thing 2
Zinga, Zinga!
[The two accidentally catch themselves with nets]
Thing 1
Blue! 41! Set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Sally
Hey Thing! Don't let go of that dog!
Thing 1
Let go!
[throws Nevins, and he comes flying like a football]
Conrad
Catch him! I mean, don't catch him!
[screams and Nevins flies outside the window and lands in the ground, the Crab lock chuckles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Cat's Unexpected Curiosity
Cat
Oh! Hello! I was just...uh, I really should be going. How'd they get so smart?
[turns to viewers, revealing the narrator's voice to end the story; turns the microphone away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgent Warning About the Leaking Crate
Cat
Sally, Kojak, that's nothing compared to what's going to happen if we don't lock this crate! Take a look! It's already leaking!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Story of Mischief and Fun
Narrator
There are gajillions of stores of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one about a mom and two kids, a house and a hat that oddly enough, was worn by a cat, but soon we will get to all of that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, a city is nestled, that city is Anville.
[camera zooms into the clouds and the film title design appearing; view of the Anville with people hungry for tutti-frutti, with shopping bags]
Kid
Hurry up! We'll miss the movie!
Man
Any more tutti-frutti?
Man #2
I'll check. Thanks!
Narrator
It's a town that's not huge, but not quite big enough for buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff from shoes and shirts and elongated ladders to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. So, our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob in the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.
[the Hand Sanitizer truck is shown and the horn is heard honking; the employee puts a box of sanitizer on the mover]
Woman
Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?
Joan Walden
What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy.
[hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02, and a zero-tolerance boss stands here]
Mr. Hank Humberfloob
Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! Look alive everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!
[everyone washed their hands and run away to their seats]
Jim McFlinnigan
Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...
Mr. Humberfloob
Fired...
Jim McFlinnigan
I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob
Fired...
Jim McFlinnigan
But I...
Mr. Humberfloob
FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.
[he screams in a high level of attitude; as Mr. Humberfloob was saying the above line, Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of Hand Sanitizer; rubs and blows his hands]
Joan
Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Mr. Humberfloob
Ah yes, your children. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[looks at the picture; pause, he screams again in a very loud toned voice; everyone gasps]
Joan
That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.
Mr. Humberfloob
Great!
[Joan leaves]
Woman
Humberfloob real estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
Narrator
If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighbor hood "Hey!".
Man 1
Hey!
Man 2
Hey!
Narrator
Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.
Conrad
Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!
Sally
Today's to-do list, Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. What is he doing?
[Conrad walks to the kitchen; Conrad dumps the apples and the bits out of the bowls]
Sally
Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.
Conrad
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Nevins, your attention please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!
[he walks upstairs with a bowl and the teddy bear on top of it, the 2 bread packs and 6 sponge cake pack, the color marshmallows on his elbows and the popcorn on his knees; Nevins barks]
Sally
Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related.
Conrad
Relax, I'll put everything back. and now for the indoor stair luge!
[stuffs the bread on his pants, and Nevins runs off, he eats the bread, talking with his mouth full]
Sally
Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Conrad
Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! YEAH!
[about to get on the tray as Nevins whines and covers her ears, Conrad slides down the stairs yelling and cheering, Joan comes to the house with groceries and her new dress, but screams when they're hit by Conrad; Crashes into Joan's car]
Sally
Nevins? Nevins, Come back!!!!!!!!
[As Nevins runs out of the house]
Conrad
Hey, Mom, what's up?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Taco Incident in Cat in the Hat
Larry
I'm sending Conrad away! Oh! I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!
[sing-song; Nevins urinates on the taco; looks at the taco, sniffs it, looking disgusted]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mystery of the Missing Lock
Cat
If this were my house, I'd be furious. Hey, Klondike! Do you have any idea what happened to the lock on this crate?
[to Ms. Kwan; realizes the Crab Lock on the crate disappeared]
Conrad
It's on Nevins collar.
Cat
Nevins?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dress Unveils Unexpected Revelations
The Cat
Look, I'm a girl.
[holding Joan's dress; purrs and wipes the purple stuff off the wall, Sally and Conrad are horrified]
Sally
STOP! THAT'S...
Conrad and Sally
MOM'S DRESS!!!
The Cat
This filthy thing?
[shocked]
Sally
She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it.
The Cat
Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. Mmmm, mmmm, yeah, Mmm, mmm, yeah, mmmmm-mmmmmm...
[snaps his fingers two times; snaps his fingers two times again]
The Fish
I told you all of this would happen. But no one listens to a fish! A dog goes woof-woof and everybody knows that a little Timmy's trapped under a log, but a fish speaks plain English.
[the Cat groans]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Blame Shifts in Family Conflict
Joan
You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.
Conrad
Mom, I know you're angry, but there's something you need to know. This was all Sally's fault.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion at the Party Planning Event
Conrad
Mom, That guy's a total phony, you can't let Larry-
Joan
It's Lawrence, Conrad.
[Interrupting; hears the doorbell ring, opens the door and a caterer named Kate is shown holding the box]
Kate
Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
Joan
Oh hi. Where's Kate?
Kate
I'm Kate.
Joan
Oh. Right this way, Kate.
[she and Kate walk, and has a tray full of sweets in it]
Conrad
Mom, you've gotta listen to me--
[phone rings]
Joan
QUIET!
Sally
Two weeks ago, you said you would-- I "specialed" it. see?
[Joan screams and sees Nevins eating chocolate]
Joan
Quiet, Nevins. I SAID QUIET! Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.
[phone rings]
Mr. Humberfloob
This is Mr. Humberfloob.
Joan
Oh hi, Mr. Humberfloob.
Mr. Humberfloob
Joan, I need you come back to the office.
Joan
Today?
Mr. Humberfloob
Yes, Joan. No problem.
Joan
No problem at all.
Mr. Humberfloob
Great!
Sally
What's going on, Mommy?
[as Joan hangs up the phone]
Joan
Mommy has to go back to the Office, Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can Babysit!
Conrad
Not Mrs. Kwan!
[cut to the veiw of the door, It's a elder Taiwanese woman named Mrs. Kwan, the doorbell rings as Mrs. Joan opens the door]
Joan
Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
Mrs. Kwan
Hi.
[holding a bag containing a ball of yarn and knitting tools]
Joan
Oh, I'm running late, thanks for babysitting such for a different notice. I'll be back in a couple of hours. Conrad's grounded, so no video games. Sally, last chance, if you want to make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend, Ginny's house.
[Mrs. Kwan yawns; takes Conrad's gamepad away]
Sally
Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted me to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.
Joan
What about Denise, then?
Sally
She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.
Joan
And you don't like bossy?
Sally
I won't tolerate it.
Joan
Alright. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules... Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone "city morgue".
Sally
Mommy, can't I have some rules?
Joan
No chewing tobacco.
[thinks for a moment]
Sally
Thanks, Mom. You have my word.
Joan
And absolutely, No one sets foot in the l living room or else...
Conrad
or else what you're going to do what Larry said and send me the military school?
Joan
Maybe If you would just behave, I wouldn't have to consider Military school. I wish I could trust you.
Conrad
I wish I had a different mom.
Joan
Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.
Joan
Good luck with your meeting!
Mrs. Kwan
Children, would you like to watch TV with me? We don't have to tell your mother!
[Turns on the TV while the two walk over to the couch. However, a TV shows Taiwanese Parliament members fighting]
Conrad and Sally
Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan
You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big Government! Rip his heart out! Hit me!
[karate noises; Conrad and Sally walk to the chair and sit, Nevins yawns and lies down; she then falls asleep]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflecting on a Memorable Day
Cat
Okay. We had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. Looks like everything's in balance. But you're still smoking way too many cigars. And you...lay off the sauce!
[takes out his phunometer and uses it on Conrad and Sally as it reads "Just Right"; to Sally; to Conrad; puts away his phunometer]
Sally
Cat, this day has been...amazing. Thank you, Cat.
Conrad
For everything.
[embraces Sally]
Cat
Conrad? Sally? Adieu.
[smiles; after he bows with his hat, he starts to leave for the back door]
Sally
Cat!
Conrad
Cat!
Cat
Huh?
Sally
Wait, Cat!
Conrad
Don't go!
Cat
Aw, now what? Oh!
[hears the front door]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Return of the Cat
Taglines
The Cat is Back!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Respecting Authority
Taglines
Don't mess with the hat.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounter with the Police
Larry
Look Joan, they don't beat them everyday.
[the siren is heard]
Joan
Oh, great. I'm sorry, Officer. Was I Speeding?
[A police motorcycle parks on back of her car]
Thing 1
Mekka dekka license, appa registration. Mekka dekka, you're one hot mama.
[dressed as a policeman, with sunglasses; Larry's car comes driving against Joan's car; she gives Thing 1 the receipt]
Larry
Hey, that's my car. Joan, we better go right away!
Joan
Please, let me handle this. I'm so sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.
[as Thing 1 eats the receipt and stuffs it in his mouth]
Larry
I'm not gonna let them get away with this! MEET ME AT THE HOUSE!
[gets out of Joan's car; Thing 2 lifts Thing 1 up yelling, Takes the motorcycle, chasing Cat, Conrad and Sally]
Larry
Not so fast, you little maggots! Ha-ha! Oh, you are so busted. Now get inside.
Conrad
Oh, you don't want to go in there. It's going to be a total-
Larry
Aah!
Conrad
What happened? What about the Mother of All Messes?
Sally
I don't know.
Larry
Why am I sneezing?
[sneezes]
Cat
That'd be me. Boo!
[laughs]
Larry
You're a giant... Cat! Judas Priest!
[sneezes, screams; falls off the edge; lands on purple ocean]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Ultimate Game of Cat and House
Taglines
The ultimate game of cat and house.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Warning About Opening the Crate
Cat
See, Corn Dog? This is why I warned you not to open the crate!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.