The Goodbye Girl Quotes

Taglines Thank you Neil Simon for making us laugh at falling in love…again.

Elliot Garfield *during a rehearsal of Richard III in which his director has made him play the title character as a flamboyant homosexual

Lucy McFadden Congratulations!

Elliot Garfield For what?

Lucy McFadden I didn't know what else to say.

Elliot Garfield If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face.

Elliot Garfield *after being told not to bring any female guests into the apartment

Elliot Garfield My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne.

Elliot Garfield You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate.

Paula McFadden I thought you said you were decent.

Elliot Garfield I am decent. I also happen to be naked.

Lucy McFadden What's that?

Paula McFadden Sounds like God.

Lucy McFadden I smell strawberries burning.

Paula McFadden That's incense.

Lucy McFadden What's incense?

Paula McFadden It is what I am feeling right now.

Elliot Garfield What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?

Elliot Garfield I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed.

Elliot Garfield *reading a review of his disastrous Richard III performance

Elliot Garfield Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass.

Elliot Garfield It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let em kill me with panache.

Elliot Garfield I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be my kinky inclination.

Elliot Garfield That's okay. Now I'm free to take that other job.

Lucy McFadden What other job?

Elliot Garfield I'm looking, I'm looking!

Elliot Garfield I happen to have a lease in my pocket. Are you gonna honor it or what?

Paula McFadden I have a daughter in my bedroom. That tops the lease in your pocket.

Elliot Garfield You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know.

Elliot Garfield You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!