The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005) - Quotes

Zaphod Beeblebrox: [Humma Kavula is removing Zaphod's second head with a giant buzzsaw; his second head is removed; Zaphod's second head has been placed on a hula dancer bobblehead doll with the label "STUPID" underneath it] Hey, hey, hey, take it easy now. Think about this before you do it. NO STOP IT! Ah that kinda tickles. TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE! DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE! IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU NEED ME! COME BACK! COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! COME BACK!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: HUMMA KAVULA!!!!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: I'm the president of the galaxy, babe. I ain't got a whole lot of time for reading.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: I'm just gonna go… find something else for my whole life to be about.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Apparently you can't be president with a whole brain.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: In the name of democracy, freedom, stuff like that... I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking the ship with me!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Whoo, they're on our tail! Fire a gun! Launch a missile! Do some damage! Come on!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot right now. Hey, c'mon, I love it.

Ford Prefect: * Talking to a massive pair of hairy legs in an equally massive pair of high heels

Ford Prefect: I've been stranded on a strange planet for a number of years, I haven't been avoiding you. You look great, you're doing well. You've grown, obviously.

Ford Prefect: [[think; [imagine; [w:Vogons|Vogons; [planet] They don't ], they don't ], most of them can't even spell. They just run things. And if we don't hitch a ride soon, you won't need the guide to tell you just how unpleasant the ] can be. They already destroyed a ] today, and that always makes them a little "eeee!

Ford Prefect: [[Time; [illusion] ] is an ]. Lunchtime, doubly so.

Ford Prefect: [[galaxy; [survive; [know] It's a tough ]. If you want to ], you've gotta ] … where your towel is.

Ford Prefect: [[Workers; [Earth] ] of the ] ... I bring good tidings of peanuts!

Arthur Dent: Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fueled by lemons?!

Arthur Dent: Humma Kavula" is a person? I thought he was swearing!

Arthur Dent: This must be Thursday... I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

The Guide: [[love] The Encyclopedia Galactica chapter on ] states that it is far too complicated to define. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love: Avoid, if at all possible. Unfortunately, Arthur Dent has never read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

The Guide: What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far—which, given your present circumstances, seems more likely—consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer.

The Guide: The Jatravartids, who live in perpetual fear of the time they call "The Coming of The Great White Handkerchief", are small blue creatures with more than fifty arms each. They are unique in being the only race in history to have invented the aerosol deodorant before the wheel.

The Guide: Space," says the introduction to The Hitchhiker's Guide, "is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is," and so on.

The Guide: Vogon poetry is widely accepted as the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Khria. During a recitation by their poet-master, Grunthos the Flatulent, of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience members died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council only survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The absolute worst poetry is by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Luckily it was destroyed when the earth was.

The Guide: * A deleted portion of the filmed narrative, included as an Easter egg on the DVD

The Guide: * Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway. It proves you do exist, and so therefore, you don't. QED." "Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

The Guide: The Babel fish is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy not from its carrier, but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear, you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language.

The Guide: Vogons are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy—not evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious, and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders, signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found, queried, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you.

The Guide: [the whale crashes into the ground] It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. But since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought as it fell: Ahhh! Whoa! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I'? Okay, okay, calm down, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? It's a sort of a tingling in my... well, I suppose I better start finding names for things. Let's call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting! I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now, isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like Ow', Ownge', Round', Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground! Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell, was: Oh no, not again. Many have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that, we should know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

The Guide: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book—perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than the Celestial Homecare Omnibus, better selling than 53 Things to Do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters—Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, and Who is This God Person Anyway?

The Guide: * Introductory narration

The Guide: [[w:The Star-Spangled Banner|the Star-Spangled Banner; dolphin freeze-frames in mid-air] It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the third most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures, were of course dolphins who, curiously enough, had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth. They had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits. So they eventually decided they would leave Earth by their own means. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards somersault through a hoop while whistling "]", but in fact, the message was this: "So long, and thanks for all the fish!