32 quotes
Michael's Concern for Sam's Safety
Michael
I don't want you going down there, Sam.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Fortunes Revealed by Grandpa
Grandpa
Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night.
[as Michael comes home in the morning]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounter in The Lost Boys
Alan Frog
Holy smoke, it's the attack of ]!
[[The Munsters|Eddie Munster]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity Among Friends Leads to Confusion
David
Michael wants to know what's going on. Marko, what's going on?
Marko
I don't know. What's going on, Paul?
Paul
Wait a minute. Who wants to know?
Dwayne
Michael wants to know.
David
I think we should let Michael know what's going on.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Cautionary Reminder on Timing
Sam Emerson
Don't kill anybody until we get back to you!
[to Star]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Santa Carla's Dark Reputation Unveiled
Michael
Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world?
Grandpa
There are some bad elements around here.
Sam
Wait a second, let me get this straight. You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world? Are you serious, Grandpa?
Grandpa
Well, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell of a population problem.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sam Questions a Girl's True Nature
Sam Emerson
It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?... She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike!
[Star floats up]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Invitation to Belonging and Transformation
David Williams
Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity About Michael's Behavior
Sam Emerson
You need sunglasses to talk on the phone? Are you freebasing, Michael? Inquiring minds want to know.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Observations on Santa Carla's Unusual Atmosphere
Alan
Notice anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?
Sam
No, it's actually a pretty cool place... if you're a Martian.
Edgar
Or a vampire.
Sam
You guys sniffing on newsprint of something?
Edgar
You think you really know what's happening here, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know a lot, buddy.
Alan
Yeah, you think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks, huh?
Sam
Actually, I thought it was a bakery.
Edgar
This is just our cover. We are dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters in a never-ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.
Sam
Right.
Edgar
Hey man, read this.
[He gives Sam a comic book entitled "Destroy All Vampires"]
Sam
I told you, I don't like horror comics.
Alan
Think of it more as a survival manual. There's our number on the back and pray you never need to call us.
Sam
I'll pray I never need to call you. Sure.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Reading the TV Guide
Grandpa
Now, on Wednesdays when the mailman brings the TV Guide sometimes the address label is curled up just a little. You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't. You'll only wind up rippin the cover and I don't like that. And stay outta here.
Sam
Wait, you have a TV?
Grandpa
No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Plea for Mercy from Sam Emerson
Sam Emerson
Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid, so just don't kill me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About a Brother's Unusual Behavior
Edgar
You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot?
Sam
Yeah, all day.
Alan
Does the sunlight freak him out?
Sam
Uh, he wears sunglasses in the house.
Edgar
Bad breath, long fingernails?
Sam
Yeah, his fingernails are a little bit longer, um, he always had bad breath though.
Alan
He's a vampire all right.
Edgar
All right, here's what you do, get your self a good sharp stake and drive it right through his heart.
Sam
I can't do that, he's my brother.
Alan
Okay, we'll come over and do it for you.
Sam
No!
Edgar
You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fashion Critique Among Friends
Sam
Got a problem, guys?
Edgar
Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
Sam
Pretty cool, huh?
Alan
For a fashion victim.
Edgar
Listen, buddy, if you're looking for the diet frozen yogurt bar, it went out of business last Summer.
Sam
Actually I'm looking for a copy of ] issue #14.
[[Batman]
Edgar
That's a very serious book, man.
Alan
Only five in existence.
Sam
Four, actually. I'm always looking out for the other three. Look, you can't put the ] #77s with the 200s; they haven't even discovered Red Kryptonite yet, and uh... you can't put the #98s with the 300s; Lori Lemaris hasn't even been introduced.
[then he looks at the comic books; [Superman]
Edgar
Where the hell are you from? ]?
[[Superman|Krypton]
Sam
Phoenix, actually. But lucky me, we moved... here.
Edgar
Take this.
[He gives Sam a comic book entitled "Vampires Everywhere"]
Sam
I don't like horror comics.
Edgar
You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix; it could save your life.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Choice of Immortality and Its Cost
David Williams
Now you know what we are. And now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael. And you'll never die. But you must feed.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation of a Brother's Transformation
Sam Emerson
Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael! My own brother, a damn blood-sucking vampire! You wait til Mom finds out, buddy!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Grandpa's Strict Household Rules
Grandpa
Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my cocktail peanuts, my Diet Pepsi and my double-thick animal crackers. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. Now, there's another rule around here, and I want you to pay very close attention to it. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Unpredictable Demise of Vampires
Edgar Frog
I think I should warn you all, when a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight. No two blood suckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode. But all will try and take you with them.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
History of Santa Carla's Resort Disaster
David Williams
Not bad, huh? This was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago. It's too bad that they built it on the San Andreas Fault. In 1906, when the Big One hit San Francisco, the ground opened up and this place took a header right into the crack. So now, it's ours.
[entering their cave]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Aftershave Choices Among Family Members
Grandpa
Anything in here that might pass for after-shave?
Sam
How about some Windex, Grandpa?
Grandpa
Yeah, let me try some of that. Not bad!
[slaps some on]
Michael
You have a big date tonight, Grandpa?
Grandpa
I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson.
Michael
What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Food Preferences in Social Dynamics
Marko
Feeding time. Come and get it boys.
David
Chinese, good choice. Over here, bud. Guests first.
Michael
No.
David
What, you don't like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong? Come on!
David
How are those maggots?
Michael
Huh?
David
Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?
Star
Leave him alone.
David
Sorry about that. No hard feelings, huh?
Michael
No.
David
Why don't you try some noodles?
Michael
They're worms.
David
What worms? They're only noodles, Michael.
[eats some noodles]
Star
That's enough.
Marko
Ah, chill out, girl.
David
Drink some of this, Michael. Be one of us.
Star
Don't! You don't have to, Michael. It's blood.
Michael
Yeah, sure.
[takes a deep drink]
David
Bravo! You're all right, Michael.
Everybody
Michael! Michael! Michael!
David
You're one of us, Michael.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fear of the Closet Monster
Michael Emerson
Talk about the ].
[upon seeing Grandpa's workroom, filled with deer heads and other animals; [The Texas Chain Saw Massacre|Texas Chain Saw Massacre]
Lucy Emerson
I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster.
[to Sam]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Brotherly Confrontation in a Vampire Revelation
Michael
Open up!
Sam
Stay back! Stay back!
Michael
Sammy, help me! Open up! Help me! Sammy, open the window!
Sam
You're a vampire! I knew it!
Michael
I'm not!
Sam
So what are you, the flying nun?
Michael
I'm your brother, Sammy! HELP ME!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Vampire Activity in Santa Carla Revealed
Edgar
We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity in town for a long time.
Alan
Santa Carla's become a haven for the undead.
Edgar
As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at City Hall.
Alan
Kill your brother, you'll feel better.
Sam
Look, guys, my brother's not a bloodsucker. Look, it says here that if you kill the head vampire, all half-vampires will return to normal. Guys, if my brother's a vampire, believe me, he's only half.
Edgar
Does he know who the head vampire is?
Sam
No, I don't think so.
Edgar
Then you'll have to kill him. And if you don't, then we will.
Sam
It all started when my mom went to work at Max's video store. Max never comes in till after it's dark. The dog who chased my mom this morning was his. And listen to this: "Vampires require a daytime protector, a guardian, to watch over them as they sleep. Fierce dogs, the Hounds of Hell, are often employed for this purpose.
Edgar
No kidding.
Sam
Yeah? Well, what happens if my mom is dating the head vampire? You guys could nail him and save Santa Carla. "Truth, Justice, the American way" triumphs. Thanks to you two.
Edgar
We'll check out Max.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concern Over Lack of Television
Sam Emerson
What's wrong with this picture? There's no TV! Have you seen a TV, Mike? I haven't seen a TV. Do you know what it means when there's no TV? No MTV.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Grandpa's Perspective on Marriage and Divorce
Grandpa
Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Astonishment at the Vampire Hotel
Alan Frog
Holy smoke, Vampire Hotel.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misinterpretations of Death in Family Dynamics
Michael
Looks like he's dead!
[about Grandpa]
Lucy
No, he's just a deep sleeper.
Sam
If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?
Grandpa
Playin dead. And from what I heard, doin a damn good job of it, too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire and fulfillment in a unique setting
David Williams
That's what I love about this place. You ask, and then you get.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Choosing to Ride with Vampires
Alan Frog
We don't ride with vampires. We do now.
[Realizes that they're just outside of the Vampires' cave]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Priority in the Hunt for Vampires
Alan Frog
Let's start with the little one. First come, first staked.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pricing for Services Inquiry
Edgar Frog
How much you think we should charge out of this?
[to Alan]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.