30 quotes
Navigating Lines on a Map
Fozzie
Kermit, where're we?
Kermit
Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little green line here, and uh, just crossed that little pink line over here.
[looking at a map]
Fozzie
Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh?
[takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map]
Kermit
We can't take that. That's a river.
Fozzie
Oh. I knew that.
Kermit
Yeah sure.
Fozzie
Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit
Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
[cutting him off]
Fozzie
Yeah?
Kermit
Who's driving?
Kermit
Where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie
I took a correspondence course.
[backing up next to the church]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Communication Breakdown in a Used Car Lot
Sweetums
Jack not name, Jack Job!
Used Car Store owner
How many times did I tell you not to talk to my customers?
[quietly]
Sweetums
Yeah, I know!
Used Car Store Owner
Just move it. You understand?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Navigating Directions with Humor
Kermit
Bear left.
[giving directions to Fozzie]
Fozzie
Right frog.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Frog's Encounter at El Sleezo Cafe
Kermit the Frog
The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. Wow! Rough place, Huh?
[gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe]
The El Sleezo Cafe owner
That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest hole on the face of the earth!
Kermit the Frog
Well, why not complain to the owner?
The El Sleezo Cafe owner
I am the owner.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Role of an Agent
Cameo Guest Stars
] as Bernie the Agent
[[Dom DeLuise]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Hecklers Arrive for Private Screening
Statler
I'm Statler.
Waldorf
I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard
Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler
Private screening?
Waldorf
Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Police Chase with Muppets in Pursuit
Kermit the Frog
A motorcycle cop is chasing us! Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over.
[we see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus]
Dr. Teeth
Easier done than said. . Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I.-
[the police officer gets off his motor cycle]
Miss Piggy
DON'T! YOU! DARE!
Dr. Teeth
I wouldn't think of it.
Kermit the Frog
Did we do something wrong, Officer?
Crowd
Oh, look!
[shocked]
Miss Piggy
Kermit, it's him!
Kermit the Frog
Okay, guys. Let him explain.
Max
This whole disguise is so that I can warn you.
Max
I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna lean on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's deadly!
Fozzie
Oh, no! Kermit, what are we gonna do?!
Floyd
It's time to beat feet, green stuff.
Fozzie
Yeah, get out of here, Kermit.
Dr. Teeth
I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs.
Kermit the Frog
Hold it, Dr. Teeth! What's up ahead?
Dr. Teeth
Uh...only an old ghost town.
Kermit the Frog
Fine. Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper, I'll be waiting for him there.
[to Max]
Max
WHAT?!?!
[shocked]
Fozzie
Kermit, you'll get killed!
Kermit the Frog
Listen, guys. Listen. I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Wisdom from Professor Max Krassman
Cameo Guest Stars
] as Professor Max Krassman
[[Mel Brooks]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Beauty Contest M.C. Reflects on Competition
Cameo Guest Stars
] as a Beauty Contest M.C.
[[Elliott Gould]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ice Cream Vendor's Perspective on Life
Cameo Guest Stars
] as an Ice Cream vendor
[[Bob Hope]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Dreams and Choices in Hollywood
Kermit
I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience
So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
[heard]
Kermit
Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience
On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit
Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience
Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
[appears, similar to Kermit, on the rock]
Kermit
No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience
Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
[walks up to him]
Kermit
But...that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience
No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit
Well, so do I, but...
Kermit's Conscience
You do?
Kermit
Yeah! Of course I do.
[realizes]
Kermit's Conscience
Well, then?
Kermit
Well, then...I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Chaos at the Luau
Doctor Max Krassman
What the heck's goin on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mad Man Mooney's Perspective on Life
Cameo Guest Stars
] as Mad Man Mooney
[[Milton Berle]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Contract Preparation for Kermit the Frog
Lew Lord, CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios
Miss Tracy, prepare the standard rich and famous contract for Kermit the Frog and company.
[to the intercom]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kermit Faces a Difficult Decision
Kermit
Hello?
[over the phone]
Miss Piggy
Kermie, help! I've been kidnapped!
[Doc Hopper covers her mouth]
Doc Hopper
Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you.
Kermit
But what if I don't?
Doc Hopper
Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast.
Miss Piggy
No, Kermie! Don't, don't...
[muffed screams]
Kermit
Um, aren't you the guys I'm supposed to meet?
[frightened]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost Direction and Unexpected Advice
Bernie the Agent
HELP! HELLO! THIS IS A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP!
[rowing his boat]
Kermit the Frog
Uh, Yeah?
Bernie the Agent
SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction!
[rowing up to Kermit]
Kermit the Frog
Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent
No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.
[chuckles]
Kermit the Frog
Uh, one second. Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
[snaps at fly]
Bernie the Agent
Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.
Kermit the Frog
With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent
Thank you.
Kermit the Frog
Just watch out for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent
I will. Alligators?!
[widens]
Kermit the Frog
That's right.
Bernie the Agent
Did you say "alligators"?
Kermit the Frog
Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors".
Bernie the Agent
It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.
Kermit the Frog
Hollywood?
Bernie the Agent
That's right.
Kermit the Frog
Did you say "Hollywood"?
Bernie the Agent
Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, Hollywood. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?
[singing]
Kermit the Frog
Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.
Bernie the Agent
Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that.
[naps his finger; grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read]
Kermit the Frog
Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks, anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.
Bernie the Agent
Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy.
Kermit the Frog
Millions of people happy...
[wonders]
Bernie the Agent
Millions! Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent.
Kermit the Frog
Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?
Bernie the Agent
What?!
[rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligator pursues him]
Kermit the Frog
Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.
Bernie the Agent
STAY! STAY!
Kermit the Frog
Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Journey to Hollywood Begins with Excitement
Doc Hopper and Clan
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kermit the Frog
Everybody, on to Hollywood!
[surprised, relieved, then turns to his friends]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cameo Guest Stars in The Muppet Movie
Cameo Guest Stars
] as Himself and the voice of Charlie McCarthy
[[w:Edgar Bergen|Edgar Bergen]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Behind the Scenes of The Muppet Movie
Scooter
Okay, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! Ow!
[holds the clapboard the wrong way; urts his hand from the clapboard]
Beaker
Makeup's ready!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Sound's ready.
Kermit the Frog
Okay, stand by, here we go!
[on Megaphone]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Owner of El Sleezo Cafe's Perspective
Cameo Guest Stars
] as the owner of El Sleezo Cafe
[[James Coburn]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Big Bird's Perspective on Life
Cameo Guest Stars
] as Big Bird from ]
[[w:Caroll Spinney|Caroll Spinney; [w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Role of a Lord's Secretary
Cameo Guest Stars
] as Lord's Secretary
[[Cloris Leachman]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expressions of Gratitude Among Friends
Fozzie
I don't know how to thank you guys!
Kermit
I don't know why to thank you guys.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Patron's Perspective at El Sleezo
Cameo Guest Stars
] as a patron at El Sleezo
[[Madeline Kahn]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dealing with Heartbreak and Loss
Rowlf
Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit
Does it show?
[sadly]
Rowlf
Listen. When you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit
Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf
Yeah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit
You do, huh?
Rowlf
You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
Kermit
Nice and simple.
Rowlf
Stay away from women, that's my motto.
Kermit
But I can't.
Rowlf
Neither can I. That's my trouble.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Insolent Waiter Delivers Humorous Commentary
Cameo Guest Stars
] as an insolent waiter
[[Steve Martin]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Responses in Conversation
Kermit
Gonzo! What're you doing?!
[watching Gonzo, who's holding a bunch of helium balloons, fly by]
Gonzo
About seven knots!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miss Piggy Wins the Beauty Pageant
The Beauty Pageant host
Before we announce the winner, We would like to thank the judges of today's contest! Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!
Charlie McCarthy
You are not gonna believe who is the winner is, folks.
Edgar Bergen
Come on, Charlie. It's their movie.
The Beauty Pageant host
And here she is! The winner of the Bogen County Beauty Pageant is: MISS PIGGY!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preparing for the Audition Road Trip
Sgt. Floyd Pepper
When do you dudes have to be at the audition?
Kermit the Frog
2:00 tomorrow afternoon!
Dr. Teeth
Well, then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Comedic Moment with Muppets Unfolds
Doctor Max Krassman
I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it....
Miss Piggy
HAI-YAH! Come out, Kermit!
[crashes into the machine]
Kermit the Frog
Oh, Thank you!
[in tears of joy]
Doctor Max Krassman
Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha!
[screams when he leans on the chair; faints]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.