The Muppet Movie (1979) - Quotes

Insolent Waiter Delivers Humorous Commentary

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Steve Martin] ] as an insolent waiter

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The Role of a Lord's Secretary

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Cloris Leachman] ] as Lord's Secretary

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A Patron's Perspective at El Sleezo

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Madeline Kahn] ] as a patron at El Sleezo

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Ice Cream Vendor's Perspective on Life

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Bob Hope] ] as an Ice Cream vendor

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Beauty Contest M.C. Reflects on Competition

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Elliott Gould] ] as a Beauty Contest M.C.

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The Role of an Agent

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Dom DeLuise] ] as Bernie the Agent

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Owner of El Sleezo Cafe's Perspective

Cameo Guest Stars: [[James Coburn] ] as the owner of El Sleezo Cafe

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Wisdom from Professor Max Krassman

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Mel Brooks] ] as Professor Max Krassman

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Mad Man Mooney's Perspective on Life

Cameo Guest Stars: [[Milton Berle] ] as Mad Man Mooney

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Big Bird's Perspective on Life

Cameo Guest Stars: [[w:Caroll Spinney|Caroll Spinney; [w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street] ] as Big Bird from ]

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Cameo Guest Stars in The Muppet Movie

Cameo Guest Stars: [[w:Edgar Bergen|Edgar Bergen] ] as Himself and the voice of Charlie McCarthy

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Behind the Scenes of The Muppet Movie

Scooter: [holds the clapboard the wrong way; urts his hand from the clapboard] Okay, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! Ow!

Beaker: Makeup's ready!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Sound's ready.

Kermit the Frog: [on Megaphone] Okay, stand by, here we go!

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Contract Preparation for Kermit the Frog

Lew Lord, CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios: [to the intercom] Miss Tracy, prepare the standard rich and famous contract for Kermit the Frog and company.

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Journey to Hollywood Begins with Excitement

Doc Hopper and Clan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kermit the Frog: [surprised, relieved, then turns to his friends] Everybody, on to Hollywood!

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Police Chase with Muppets in Pursuit

Kermit the Frog: [we see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus] A motorcycle cop is chasing us! Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over.

Dr. Teeth: [the police officer gets off his motor cycle] Easier done than said. . Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I.-

Miss Piggy: DON'T! YOU! DARE!

Dr. Teeth: I wouldn't think of it.

Kermit the Frog: Did we do something wrong, Officer?

Crowd: [shocked] Oh, look!

Miss Piggy: Kermit, it's him!

Kermit the Frog: Okay, guys. Let him explain.

Max: This whole disguise is so that I can warn you.

Max: I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna lean on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's deadly!

Fozzie: Oh, no! Kermit, what are we gonna do?!

Floyd: It's time to beat feet, green stuff.

Fozzie: Yeah, get out of here, Kermit.

Dr. Teeth: I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs.

Kermit the Frog: Hold it, Dr. Teeth! What's up ahead?

Dr. Teeth: Uh...only an old ghost town.

Kermit the Frog: [to Max] Fine. Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper, I'll be waiting for him there.

Max: [shocked] WHAT?!?!

Fozzie: Kermit, you'll get killed!

Kermit the Frog: Listen, guys. Listen. I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown.

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Preparing for the Audition Road Trip

Sgt. Floyd Pepper: When do you dudes have to be at the audition?

Kermit the Frog: 2:00 tomorrow afternoon!

Dr. Teeth: Well, then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine!

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Questioning Dreams and Choices in Hollywood

Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.

Kermit's Conscience: [heard] So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?

Kermit: Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.

Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.

Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.

Kermit's Conscience: [appears, similar to Kermit, on the rock] Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.

Kermit: No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.

Kermit's Conscience: [walks up to him] Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.

Kermit: But...that's because they believed in me.

Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.

Kermit: Well, so do I, but...

Kermit's Conscience: You do?

Kermit: [realizes] Yeah! Of course I do.

Kermit's Conscience: Well, then?

Kermit: Well, then...I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.

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A Comedic Moment with Muppets Unfolds

Doctor Max Krassman: I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it....

Miss Piggy: [crashes into the machine] HAI-YAH! Come out, Kermit!

Kermit the Frog: [in tears of joy] Oh, Thank you!

Doctor Max Krassman: [screams when he leans on the chair; faints] Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha!

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Unexpected Chaos at the Luau

Doctor Max Krassman: What the heck's goin on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?!

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Kermit Faces a Difficult Decision

Kermit: [over the phone] Hello?

Miss Piggy: [Doc Hopper covers her mouth] Kermie, help! I've been kidnapped!

Doc Hopper: Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you.

Kermit: But what if I don't?

Doc Hopper: Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast.

Miss Piggy: [muffed screams] No, Kermie! Don't, don't...

Kermit: [frightened] Um, aren't you the guys I'm supposed to meet?

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Dealing with Heartbreak and Loss

Rowlf: Oh. Broken heart, right?

Kermit: [sadly] Does it show?

Rowlf: Listen. When you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.

Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.

Rowlf: Yeah, typical. That's why I live alone.

Kermit: You do, huh?

Rowlf: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.

Kermit: Nice and simple.

Rowlf: Stay away from women, that's my motto.

Kermit: But I can't.

Rowlf: Neither can I. That's my trouble.

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Navigating Directions with Humor

Kermit: [giving directions to Fozzie] Bear left.

Fozzie: Right frog.

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Unexpected Responses in Conversation

Kermit: [watching Gonzo, who's holding a bunch of helium balloons, fly by] Gonzo! What're you doing?!

Gonzo: About seven knots!

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Miss Piggy Wins the Beauty Pageant

The Beauty Pageant host: Before we announce the winner, We would like to thank the judges of today's contest! Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!

Charlie McCarthy: You are not gonna believe who is the winner is, folks.

Edgar Bergen: Come on, Charlie. It's their movie.

The Beauty Pageant host: And here she is! The winner of the Bogen County Beauty Pageant is: MISS PIGGY!

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Communication Breakdown in a Used Car Lot

Sweetums: Jack not name, Jack Job!

Used Car Store owner: [quietly] How many times did I tell you not to talk to my customers?

Sweetums: Yeah, I know!

Used Car Store Owner: Just move it. You understand?

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Expressions of Gratitude Among Friends

Fozzie: I don't know how to thank you guys!

Kermit: I don't know why to thank you guys.

Navigating Lines on a Map

Fozzie: Kermit, where're we?

Kermit: [looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little green line here, and uh, just crossed that little pink line over here.

Fozzie: [takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map] Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh?

Kermit: We can't take that. That's a river.

Fozzie: Oh. I knew that.

Kermit: Yeah sure.

Fozzie: Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...

Kermit: [cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?

Fozzie: Yeah?

Kermit: Who's driving?

Kermit: Where did you learn to drive?

Fozzie: [backing up next to the church] I took a correspondence course.

A Frog's Encounter at El Sleezo Cafe

Kermit the Frog: [gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe] The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. Wow! Rough place, Huh?

The El Sleezo Cafe owner: That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest hole on the face of the earth!

Kermit the Frog: Well, why not complain to the owner?

The El Sleezo Cafe owner: I am the owner.

Lost Direction and Unexpected Advice

Bernie the Agent: [rowing his boat] HELP! HELLO! THIS IS A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP!

Kermit the Frog: Uh, Yeah?

Bernie the Agent: [rowing up to Kermit] SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction!

Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna?

Bernie the Agent: [chuckles] No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.

Kermit the Frog: [snaps at fly] Uh, one second. Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.

Bernie the Agent: Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.

Kermit the Frog: With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.

Bernie the Agent: Thank you.

Kermit the Frog: Just watch out for the alligators.

Bernie the Agent: [widens] I will. Alligators?!

Kermit the Frog: That's right.

Bernie the Agent: Did you say "alligators"?

Kermit the Frog: Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors".

Bernie the Agent: It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.

Kermit the Frog: Hollywood?

Bernie the Agent: That's right.

Kermit the Frog: Did you say "Hollywood"?

Bernie the Agent: [singing] Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, Hollywood. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?

Kermit the Frog: Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.

Bernie the Agent: [naps his finger; grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read] Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that.

Kermit the Frog: Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks, anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.

Bernie the Agent: Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy.

Kermit the Frog: [wonders] Millions of people happy...

Bernie the Agent: Millions! Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent.

Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?

Bernie the Agent: [rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligator pursues him] What?!

Kermit the Frog: Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.

Bernie the Agent: STAY! STAY!

Kermit the Frog: Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood!