The Ref Quotes

Caroline I had this dream...

Lloyd Do we have to do dreams?

Caroline I'm in this restaurant, and the waiter brings me my entree. It was a salad. It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach with his penis sticking out of his ear. And I said, "I didn't order this." And the waiter said, "Oh, you must try it. It's a delicacy. But don't eat the penis, it's just garnish.

Dr. Wong Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?

Lloyd I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.

Gus You know what, lady? I'd like to tie you to the back of a fucking truck.

Rose You don't have the balls.

Lloyd Don't do it! It's not worth it.

Gus I fucking hate her, Lloyd!

Lloyd I know, I know.

Gus What is the matter with you? I thought mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding.

George Yeah? Well, maybe Santa won't come back next year. Maybe he and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your own lousy cookies!

Lloyd You know, you and my wife have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to, and when it doesn't, you get to act the way you want. The only trouble with that is someone has to be responsible. I'd love to run around and take classes and play with my inner-self! I'd love the freedom to be some pissed-off criminal with no responsibilities, except I don't have the time! But you don't see me with a gun. And you don't see me sleeping with someone else. You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Gee, I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athlete and a 24-hour erection!" No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!

Gus Do you know what this family needs? A mute.

Gus Is there a Murray there?

Bartender Is there a Murray here?

Bartender I don't think he's here, pal.

Gus See if there's a waste of fucking life named Murray, try that.

Bartender Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?

Murray Gussy? Yeah that's me.

Lloyd Mary, gag your grandma.

Lloyd You know what I'm going to get you for Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.

Caroline You're the one who suffocated him with limitations! Our son's a very sensitive and creative-

Lloyd Juvenile delinquent.

Caroline -boy! He has the kind of imagination-

Lloyd That the mafia gives scholarships for! In the ninth grade, we told him he could get a part-time job. You ready for what he did? He started an escort service for the football team, and he gave out my mother's phone number!

Caroline And I still say, getting laid by and eighteen year old linebacker is JUST WHAT SHE NEEDS!

Dr. Wong Please, let's lower our voices!

Caroline and Lloyd FUCK YOU!!

Caroline How can we both be in the marriage and I'm miserable and you're content?

Lloyd Luck?

Taglines He's taken them hostage. They're driving him nuts.

Taglines They might be his hostages but what they're doing to this guy is criminal.

Gus From now on, the only person who gets to yell at is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation.

Gus Look kid... what I do, running around, stealing stuff, may sound great when you're 14 years old, but it sucks just a little bit when you're 35. No house, no family. I got a partner who's 56, alcoholic... he still can't understand why they took ] off the air. And then I got to turn on the TV every day and see kids like you, one after another on these talk shows. You got everything, opportunities up the ass, you got a family to come home to, and what do you do? You sit around, and you bitch and you moan, because things don't go your way. Well, you know what, kid? Welcome to the real world, where most times things don't go your fucking way.

Boy Santa doesn't drink champagne. Santa only drinks milk.

George Listen. Santa can't drink no more milk. Santa has a lactose intolerance, and it gives him horrible gas pains. Do you want to see Santa farting down everybody's chimney?

Gus Caroline and Loyd will get the coffee and deserts, then we'll be opening presents.

Connie We can't open presents til midnight.

Gus Why not?

Connie Because it's not Christmas until midnight!

Gus We'll be changing the rules, a little bit. We are opening the presents now. Not later, now. Why? We're adults, and we can open our presents, WHENEVER WE WANT!

Lloyd Why don't you just give yourself up?

Gus What'd you say?

Lloyd Well, you're not going to kill an entire family. It's over. I mean, you're not the type. You're a thief, not a killer. That's obvious.

Gus I hate guys like you, you know, with your Jeep Grand Cherokee's and your Nicaraguan maids and your ping-zing golf clubs. Every goddamn thing in the world handed to you. I mean, what fuckin purpose do you people serve?

Lloyd You're a criminal. What possible purpose could you serve?

Gus Fuck you, Lloyd! I work for a living, okay? I have a skill. I'm in the game pal. What do you do except take up fuckin space?

Lloyd If you're so skilled, what are you doing stuck here?

Gus Let me tell you something. I could break into any house, anywhere, anytime. Take whatever I want. In and out in ten minutes. No prints, no evidence. Nothing. If what's-his-name hadn't installed that fuckin road runner booby trap I'd be in Jamaica by now.

Lloyd Mmm, I'm impressed.

Gus Nah, you people don't get impressed do you? Huh? Life just bores the shit outta you people. Well, I'm sorry. We don't all have rich mommies and daddies we can live off of or open restaurants when we get bored playing tennis.

Rose You're a "Wong"?

Gus Well, my mother was Irish.

Rose And your father?

Gus Wasn't.