30 quotes
Questioning the Value of Helping Others
Scott
Neil, have you ever actually helped anyone?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call for Maturity from Bernard
Bernard
Curtis, you're 900 years old. Grow up!
[to Curtis; frustrated]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sonar Detection of Underwater Anomaly
C-130 Pilot
I'm gettin somethin on the sonar!
Engineer
What is it?
C-130 Pilot
Strong reading from underneath the cap rock, sir!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa's Chaos and Bernard's Absence
Curtis
The toy Santa's gone completely out of control. He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty, and he's gonna give the whole world COAL!
Scott
Well, how come Bernard didn't come down and tell me this?
Curtis
He's under house arrest.
Scott
Bernard?
[shocked]
Curtis
Yeah. You've gotta fly back with me to the North Pole to save Christmas!
Scott
I can't. I have no magic left. I'm out of magic, look.
[shows Curtis the watch, which the handle had gone down to zero]
Curtis
I thought you had Comet.
[grunts angrily]
Scott
Yeah, we--
Curtis
Ah?
[smiling]
Scott
Yes! Come on! Hey, Comet. We just-- Comet? Comet? Look at me. Look at me. Comet. What are ya doin'? You're not supposed to eat sugar. It's bad for you. What do you mean, you didn't eat this? Who did?
[realizing; cut outside to the backyard; sees Comet is lying on the ground, morbidly obese; Comet groans sickly; Comet grunts; Comet grunts]
Comet
A squirrel.
[grunting]
Scott
A squirrel?
Comet
Yeah.
[grunting]
Scott
Yeah, well, get this. You gotta fly both of us back to the North Pole.
Scott
Yeah, tonight. Okay. I'll help you up. All right? Ready? You've got to help me a little here. Good. Good. Okay, we almost got it. That's okay. That's okay. Okay, now, help me here. Can ya move anything? Fire in the hole! Get away! Whoa! Eat some roughage, will you? All right. Ooh, well, what about the jet pack?
[Comet groans; tries to lift Comet, but fails; Comet strains; notices something; to Curtis; Comet farts and sighs in relief; digusted]
Curtis
It kinda burned up on reentry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Scott's Beard Trim Conversation
Laura Miller
Scott!
Scott
Hey.
Laura
Hey! You trimmed your beard.
Scott
Yeah.
Neil Miller
Come here, big guy. Whoa, you lost some weight there, huh? Slim-Fast?
[hugs Scott; chuckles]
Scott
You don't know how fast.
Laura
We should get going.
Scott
Oh, okay.
Laura
Okay? How do you always know when there's a problem?
Scott
Well, I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake.
Neil
Which is a pretty frightening concept, when you think about it.
Laura
You know, Scott, we're really worried about Charlie. He keeps upping the ante. This time, he defaced school property.
Neil
It's a classic case of acting out.
Scott
I'm blaming myself for this.
Laura
Oh, come on, now. We're both his parents.
Scott
Where is he?
Laura
He's waiting for us in Principal Newman's office.
Scott
Principal Newman. There's something about that woman that makes me want to deface public property. He-he-hey!
[chuckling]
Carol
Hello, Mr. Calvin. Laura, Neil.
Laura and Neil
Miss Newman.
Scott
Principal Newman.
Carol
Yeah, I haven't seen you since the last time Charlie was in trouble.
Scott
Well, I've been travelling for work, you know?
Carol
Well, maybe if you spent more time with your son, there would be fewer problems.
Scott
Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend more time with you, which is always such a pleasure.
Carol
Oh, a battle of wits. It's a shame that you came unarmed. Excuse me.
Scott
Ouch.
[quietly]
Picardo
Good mornin', Principal Newman.
[stopped by Carol]
Carol
Mr. Picardo, I want you to look into my eyes. What do you see?
[confiscates Picardo's skateboard]
Picardo
It's dark. And it's cold.
Carol
It's your future, Mr. Picardo. Keep this up, and you will spend the rest of your life stabbing trash by the highway. Do I make myself clear?
Picardo
Yes.
Carol
So, what are you gonna do?
Picardo
I'm going straight to 3rd-period geometry.
Carol
Have a nice trip.
[Picardo walks away]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curious Child Questions Elf's Appearance
Lucy
Are you an elf?
Curtis
No, of course not. Why would you ask such a silly question?
Lucy
How come you have pointy ears?
Curtis
It's because I never ate my green vegetables. Do you eat your green vegetables?
[leans closer]
Lucy
Uncle Scott!
[feels her ears; worried]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Characters Discuss Plans at the Main Entrance
Police Officer
He's heading east toward the main entrance!
[grabs walkie-talkie microphone attachment]
Carol
Hello, Charlie.
[sternly]
Charlie
Hello, Principal Newman.
[scared]
Carol
Are Laura and Neil on their way?
Scott
No, I volunteered to go solo on this one.
Carol
Oh, y-you look-- You've really lost weight. Are you feeling all right?
Scott
I was until I got this phone call. Charlie, you promised that you weren't gonna do this again. Now you've broken a promise. What's the matter with you, Charlie? I'm gonna have to punish you. I'll ground him for two months.
[sees graffitied lockers with Carol Newman saying, "Trim a tree, go to jail!"]
Charlie
I thought you were on my side!
Scott
How can I be on your side when--
Carol
I'm gonna do one better, Charlie. You're suspended.
Charlie
But, Dad!
Scott
Hold on a second. I'm just as upset about this as you, but isn't there another way that we can punish him that doesn't involve taking him out of school?
Carol
What did you have in mind?
Scott
We could-- Community service?
[stammering]
Carol
Huh, that's not a bad idea. Okay, Charlie. I want you to start by cleaning off this wall. I want everything, everything, off of there by tonight. And then, for the rest of the week, you can clean off every mark off of every locker in this hallway.
Charlie
Every one?!
[shocked]
Scott
Do as she says, Charlie.
[sternly]
Charlie
But I-I have homework, tests to study for.
Carol
It's not my problem. I have a detention group that meets on Saturday, so we will all get together at the Sullivan Rec Center, and scrape off the graffiti at 8:00 A.M. See you both there.
Scott
You say both of us? I-- I'm very busy. I do a lot of other community service.
[chuckles]
Carol
That's good. You just got yourself elected parent rep. And Charlie, we'll talk about the suspension.
[to Charlie]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Between Scott and Toy Santa
Toy Santa
It's Scott, isn't it?
Scott
Yeah. What are you supposed to be?
Toy Santa
A better, stronger version of what you used to be, with a flawless complexion, I might add. Look, it just glistens.
Scott
Listen to me, I'm back now. So, untie us. Let the elves go and give me back the coat.
Toy Santa
Oh, I, uh-- No can do! It's Christmas Eve! I have coal to deliver! And I don't want those naughty kids to suffer!
[mutters, then he inhales; laughs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Brief Errand in a Mini Van
Scott
A needlepoint sweater and a mini van. I'll be back in about 8 minutes.
[going on a date]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Thanking Santa for His Hospitality
Mother Nature
Santa? Santa? Are you with us?
Scott
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.
Mother Nature
Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the entire Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.
Tooth Fairy
Hear, hear.
Easter Bunny
What a lovely place.
Cupid
Hear, hear.
Mother Nature
And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. Tooth Fairy.
[bangs gavel]
Tooth Fairy
Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to, again, propose a new name for myself.
Cupid
Come on!
Mother Nature
Good heavens!
Tooth Fairy
In the past, you have rejected "Tooth Man", "Tooth Guy" and "Tooth".
Cupid
Because they stunk.
Tooth Fairy
Today, I'd like to submit..."Captain Floss".
Cupid
Nice!
Tooth Fairy
Plaque Man".
Easter Bunny
D'oh!
Tooth Fairy
And "Roy".
Cupid
Roy". No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.
[laughs ironically]
Tooth Fairy
This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.
Scott
Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? "]
[[w:The Terminator|The Molinator.]
Tooth Fairy
The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator?
[raises his hand]
Mother Nature
All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? All right. And all opposed? Easter Bunny? Sandman?
[Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands; she and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand; Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down]
Sandman
What? W-What happened? Was I asleep again?
[snorts]
Mother Nature
Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes, or no?
Sandman
No. I'm sorry.
Mother Nature
All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.
Scott
Okay. Well, first off, welcome, you all, to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.
Easter Bunny
Oh! I love Charlie.
Father Time
Great kid.
Mother Nature
Good boy.
Sandman
Sweet kid.
Tooth Fairy
Good teeth.
Scott
Well, Charlie...got himself on the naughty list.
Tooth Fairy
What?
[shocked]
Mother Nature
Oh, my.
[shocked]
Scott
I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also gotta try to take care of Charlie, and--
Sandman
That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.
Easter Bunny
Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.
Scott
Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.
Easter Bunny
Hmm?
Scott
Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny
WHAT?!
Mother Nature
No!
Scott
The de-Santafication process has already begun.
Easter Bunny
Wait a minute. You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?
[hops to Santa]
Everyone
You're right. You're right.
Scott
Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.
Mother Nature
Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.
Scott
No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--
Father Time
27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.
Easter Bunny
Wow.
Father Time
It's what I do.
[chuckles]
Scott
Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.
Cupid
What do you need, pal?
Scott
Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?
Cupid
All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
Scott
Why not?
Cupid
Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, met a nice girl, left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.
Easter Bunny
Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.
Scott
I don't wanna stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny
Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.
Tooth Fairy
He's absolutely right.
Scott
This is all I wanna do. What am I gonna do?
Father Time
Well, y-y-- you can't be in two places at once.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Communication and Care in Family Relationships
Charlie
How could you pick her?!
Scott
I didn't pick her.
Charlie
You don't care anymore!
Scott
Charlie, I care more about you than anybody else, but it's a two-way street. What am I supposed to do if you won't confide in me?
Charlie
All right, you want it?
Scott
Yeah.
Charlie
All right, here it is.
Scott
What? What? Talk to me.
[shushes Charlie and they both move into the living room]
Charlie
Okay, I don't live a normal life.
Scott
You live a great life here.
Charlie
No, no, no, just listen to me! My friends get to go around saying, you know, "M-My dad's a plumber. My dad's a pilot. My dad's a dentist." Well, you know what? My dad is the best thing of all, and I can't tell anyone about it! Dad, you have no idea how hard that is, walking around with that secret for all these years. And now on top of everything, you're going out with Principal Newman, I mean, and you don't even tell me about it? My whole life has become about secrets, and I hate it!
[voice breaking; sniffles]
Scott
I'm sorry. Forget about Principal Newman, all right? And forget about Santa. I'm done. My time's up.
[regretfully; sees watch with magic counter at 0; sighs dejectedly]
Charlie
Who cares anymore?
[sniffles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Santa's Unexpected Jolt of Excitement
Toy Santa
I think Santa feels a little buzz!
[after drinking hot cocoa]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call for Calm and Assurance
Bernard
Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate Over Straightness Among Friends
Scott
What do you mean it's not straight?
Comet
Just because.
[grunting]
Scott
Sure, it's straight.
Comet
Uh-uh.
[grunting]
Scott
Maybe your head's crooked. You know, Prancer's not this picky.
[Comet grunts in protest]
Comet
Yeah, he is.
[grunting]
Lucy
Hi, Comet!
Comet
Hi!
[grunting; happily]
Lucy
I've got something for you.
Scott
Hey, Lucy, what have you got there? Oh, you gotta be careful with the sweets: He tends to overeat.
[Lucy unwraps a Christmas-themed Crunch Bar]
Lucy
Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?
Scott
What? Why would you ask me something like that?
Lucy
Cause you have a reindeer, and only Santa has reindeer.
[feeds the Crunch bar to Comet]
Scott
Nonsense. A lot of people have reindeer.
Lucy
Name five.
Scott
Well...most of them live in Finland, but I can't pronounce their names. Besides, reindeer are too stupid to make good pets.
[chuckles; Comet stares at Scott]
Lucy
Well, I think you're very smart.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa's Commitment to Good Behavior
Toy Santa
I promise I'll be good!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa's Frustration with Kids
Toy Santa
Let me outta here, you kiddies! Wait a minute, something's shocking me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Support for Ambition in Relationships
Tracy
You know what, I totally put myself out there doing that. And that was not an easy thing to do, and if you're the kind of man that can't support a woman's ambition, then I don't think there's any reason to continue this date.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa Declares No More Toys This Christmas
Toy Santa
Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.
[wearing an admiral uniform; the elves stopped working]
Elves
What? Huh?
[confused]
Toy Santa
The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!
Elves
Coal?!
[shocked]
Toy Santa
Quiet!
Elf
We can't give them coal.
[to the other elves]
Toy Santa
We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. Thank you, sweetie. I-- I hate to blow my own horn.
[an elf hands him a horn; chuckles; blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves]
Bernard
Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
Curtis
Back! Back, back, back!
Toy Santa
I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!
Bernard
Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!
[can't handle the lies]
Elf
Not Santa?!
Bernard
He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy! Ohh! Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!
[while being held hostage by the toy soldiers]
Toy Santa
Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding...have a...a joyous and merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
[sarcastically; The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Addressing Concerns Among Family and Authority
Carol
Not only is it an affront to authority, but a blatant disrespect for property. My feeling is if this sort of thing continues, I'll have no other recourse than to suspend--
[in her office]
Scott
Excuse me, excuse me. Is there a rest stop between here and the end of the lecture? Because I'm more interested in why this happened in the first place.
Carol
So am I. Charlie, we're all worried about you. It feels to me like you're trying to get someone's attention. What's bothering you? Dr. Miller?
[Charlie shrugs]
Neil
Neil.
Carol
Neil. Uh, do you have any theories?
Neil
Well, frankly, I have several.
Scott
Here we go. Let's just order a pizza.
Laura
Scott, you're not helping.
[Scott sits down and groans]
Neil
I was listening to a new tape series on child development just last night.
Scott
Y-Y-You know what the problem is? Excuse me, Neil. It's four weeks until Christmas. That's a major holiday in December.
[hits his head on the file drawers]
Carol
Oh.
Scott
Have you noticed the hallways in this school? There's not a decoration, not a twinkle light, not an expression of the happiness and joy that kids are supposed to be feeling this time of year. I mean, what kind of school are you running?
Carol
A public school, Mr. Calvin, the top-rated academically public school in the district. That takes a lot of effort. And money. And spending any of that money on holiday decorations would take away from the things that truly matter.
Scott
Forgive me, but I think holiday cheer really matters.
Laura
Hey, what are we going to do? Charlie, we're all really worried--
Scott
Laura, let me handle this. Charlie, you know what you did is wrong, right?
Charlie
I guess so.
[carelessly/nonchalantly]
Scott
There's no guessing. The guessing-- Guessing is gone. It was wrong, what you did, and you're not gonna do it again. Promise me.
Charlie
Okay.
Scott
There you go. He's good to his word, he won't do it again. Meeting is adjourned.
Carol
It most certainly is not! Charlie?
Scott
You know what else? Here's a little donation. Why don't you buy yourself a wreath?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa's Festive Greeting
Toy Santa
Hi! Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Learning Progress with Unusual Choices
Curtis
Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate.
Bernard
Oh, really?
Curtis
Yeah.
Bernard
This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.
Toy Santa
Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list.
[while reading the contents of handbook of rules]
Bernard
No.
Toy Santa
Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice.
Bernard
Santa already checked it.
Toy Santa
No, I didn't.
Bernard
The real Santa.
Toy Santa
I am the real Santa.
Bernard
I'm sorry?
Toy Santa
I'm in charge here.
Bernard
What?
Toy Santa
I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.
Bernard
I think you're misunderstanding something.
Toy Santa
No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa's Perspective on Safety
Toy Santa
The town will break our fall!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Burden of a Large Family
The Easter Bunny
I have 33,000 offspring, all in private school.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Moments in Santa's Workshop
Scott
That's weird, isn't it?
Puppets
Uh-oh!
Scott
These fit yesterday, didn't they?
Abby
Hot cocoa for you, Santa.
Bernard
This is not a good time, Abby.
Abby
I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
Scott
What's the bad news?
Abby
What do you mean?
[smiling]
Scott
Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. What are you doin with the naughty-and-nice list?
[Abby's smile fades, and she gives him the naughty-and-nice list]
Abby
Just don't shoot the messenger. It's...Charlie.
[Scott opens the naughty-and-nice list]
Scott
]? I thought he straightened out.
[[w:Charlie Sheen|Sheen]
Abby
Not that Charlie.
Scott
My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
[realizes]
Puppets
AAAAAAH!!!!
[shocked; hide]
Scott
This is - There's gotta be a mistake.
Abby
We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.
[leaves]
Scott
Well, how could this happen? Is this what you and Curtis were trying to tell me?
Curtis
Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.
Scott
I-I can't have the meeting here, I really can't. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.
Bernard
Number two, tell him now.
[to Curtis]
Scott
Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.
Curtis
Santa, there's a clause.
Scott
Yeah, and that would be me.
Curtis
No, I mean there's another Santa clause.
Scott
Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".
Curtis
Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
Puppets
Get on with it!
Curtis
When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
Scott
Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?
Bernard
But it seems our number two elf, the "keeper of the handbook", overlooked the single, MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL in the history of Christmas!
Curtis
Wow. One mistake in 900 years.
Bernard
Look.
Scott
I-I can't see that.
Bernard
Better now?
Scott
Uh--
Bernard
Or now?
Bernard
Better now?
Scott
It's gettin there.
Bernard
Or now?
Scott
I can't see anything. I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love...Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy... matrimony"?! I gotta get married!
[Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up; realizes]
Bernard
Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.
Scott
What if I don't want to get married?
[starts getting thinner]
Curtis
Oh, dear. THE DE-SANTAFICATION PROCESS HAS BEGUN!
Scott
The de-Santafication? Are you telling me that in that clause, it says that if I don't get married...I don't get to be Santa anymore? Wh-- What about the kids? Wh-- What about the elves? And w-- What about you guys?
[sighs; worried about Christmas magic fading]
Bernard
It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.
Scott
Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?
Curtis
28 days.
Scott
28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.
Curtis
Actually, Christmas Eve.
Scott
I guess it's over.
Curtis
No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. Cause if you do...then we have to. Whoa.
[the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock; surprised]
Scott
Christmas is getting very complicated.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa's Humor and Holiday Cheer
Toy Santa
♪ Dashing through the snow in a strip-mining machine. Flatten the hills we go. ♪ Come on! Put a smile on that face, little troll! Wait a minute. I got a joke. This'll cheer you up. Knock, knock!
[singing; to an elf]
Elf
Who's there?
Toy Santa
Aren'tcha.
Elf
Aren't you" who?
Toy Santa
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GET BACK TO WORK?! All of you, you little idiots! Back to work!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Friendly Trash Talk Among Elves and Scott
Scott
Come on, Pork Chop. Bring it on.
Elf
Who you callin "Pork Chop", Meatloaf?
Scott
Meatloaf"? You wanna talk some trash? I'll talk trash with ya. But first, I'm gonna blitz.
Elf Quarterback
Ready, set!
Scott
I'm comin after you, buddy.
[to another elf]
Elf Quarterback
Seven swans-a-swimming! Six geese-a-laying!
Elves
Five golden rings!
Elf Quarterback
HIKE!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Belief Shapes Perception in Life
Charlie
Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing.
[to Carol]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Training for a New Role in Christmas
Bernard
Okay, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?
Carol
Chet?
Bernard
Yeah. He's still in training.
Scott
How much flight time has he had?
Bernard
About a minute-and-a-half.
Curtis
Hey, but he's had a lot of crash time.
Scott
Curtis.
[sternly]
Curtis
He's just a baby.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Balancing Humor and Wisdom in Santa's Workshop
Scott
Alexander, let's think. Take the hat off. Too much counterweight.
[indicating a faulty toy kangaroo; Alexander removes the hat, kangaroo hops easily]
Alexander the Elf
Thanks, Santa, you're the man.
Scott
That's why they gave me the big belly, so I don't fall over.
[chortles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Toy Santa's Instruction on Dancing
Toy Santa
Hey! What the heck are we doing out here? Ugh! Look, if we're gonna dance, dance like this. All of us! Everybody, you idiots! Hey, lady! Have you ever seen a toy do this? Hahahaha! Where are you going? Whoo!
[last lines]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.