29 quotes
A Conversation About Village Size and Travel
Sylvia
What a quaint little village. Everyone's just so petite.
Bud
No, Tom Cruise is petite, these guys are short! What's the deal?
Scott
Who? What? Um...Oh, uh...Have you ever been to this part of Canada?
Bud
No, it's too far. We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Sylvia's sister in 67, but no.
Scott
Very lovely place. But it's not Canada, is it?
Bud
No.
Scott
Well, this is...this is what Canadians look like.
Bud
Ah.
[confused]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Special Recipe for Cocoachinos
Jack
Cocoachinos anyone?
Sylvia
Oh, yes.
Jack
I hope you like it. It's my special recipe.
[pulls out her chair; sits down; handing her a cup]
Sylvia
Mmm, minty.
Jack
Doesn't it make you feel refreshed?
Sylvia
Yes, it does!
[drinks some more]
Jack
Oh my, I just love your hair.
Sylvia
You do?
Jack
Yeah, I do.
Sylvia
I love yours.
Jack
You do?
Sylvia
Yeah, I do. I've never seen anything like it.
Jack
Oh, you're so adorable. You divine little kitten you. I bet you can sing.
[woofs flirtatiously; Sylvia giggles]
Sylvia
No, no, no, no, no.
Jack
Oh, come on, I bet you can sing.
Sylvia
Mmm, a little.
Jack
I knew it! I knew it! Sing something for me.
Sylvia
What do you want to hear?
Jack
How about Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.
[singing]
Sylvia
Jack Frost nippin at your nose. Yuletide carols being su-
[singing]
Jack
No, no. Go back to the other line, the one before the first one.
Sylvia
Jack Frost nippin at your nose.
[singing]
Jack
Ooh, it gives me the chills.
Sylvia
Jack Frost nippin at your nose.
[singing]
Jack
Oh, what a lyric!
Carol
Hey, guys, what's going on?
[walks in]
Jack
Your mother is fabulous! Would you like to be my elf?
[excitedly; Sylvia playfully pinches his nose]
Sylvia
Huh?
Jack
You heard me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Battle Before Christmas Begins
Taglines
Twas the fight before Christmas
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Santa's Choice and Identity
Recorded Audio of Jack
I wish I'd never been Santa at all!
Scott
Who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?
[teasing Jack]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Communication Challenges Among Friends
Sylvia
Oh, honey.
Scott
Honey, I think maybe I can fix that. I know you're upset.
[trying to comfort his wife]
Bud
Oh, you picked up on that, did you?
[sarcastically]
Scott
Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
Bud
Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.
Scott
Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under!
Bud
Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore!
Carol
Dad.
[in tears]
Scott
Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to make things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.
Bud
That's it. We're leaving.
[decided]
Carol
What?
[shocked]
Sylvia
Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Scott
Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.
Carol
Maybe I should never have come either.
[sadly]
Jack
Don't say anything, you'll regret. I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh? Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go.
[rushes up to Scott; Carol leaves to sit down; to Scott; leaves with Scott]
Sylvia
Oh, sweetheart.
[comforting Carol]
Scott
It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.
Jack
Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.
Scott
But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.
Jack
You know, I-I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I-I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now.
[pulls up his present to Scott]
Scott
I can't.
Jack
Come on. Open it.
Scott
I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack
Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.
Scott
I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack
Come on, you just open it, please.
Scott
Thanks.
[gives in; takes the present]
Jack
So are there times when you wonder...
Scott
Wonder what?
Jack
If this was even...
Scott
Worth it? More than you know.
[scoffs]
Jack
Tonight's one of these times, huh?
[nods]
Scott
Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
Jack
So...you wish you'd never become Santa at all?
Scott
I wish I'd never become Santa.
[scoffs]
Jack
At all?
Scott
At all. At all. Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy?
[opens his present; notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow]
Jack
I am now.
[smiles evilly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unmet Expectations in a Difficult Situation
Jack
Well, that didn't work out the way I had hoped.
[defeated]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Life Changes as Mrs. Claus
Carol
All right, class, if a reindeer leaves Elfsburg flying west at 20 miles per hour, and another reindeer flies east traveling at 50 miles per hour, how many hours does it take for them to be 210 miles apart? Anyone? Anyone? Trish.
[one elf raises her hand]
Trish
How come we can't learn the things we want to learn?
Carol
Like what?
Trish
Like, wasn't it weird when you married Santa, and had to move all the way up to the Pole and give up your old life, Mrs. Claus?
Carol
Weirder than you can possibly imagine. But then something so gigantic happened that it changed Santa and me forever.
Trish
Like what?
Carol
Okay.
[smiles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Between Jack and Scott
Jack
Hey, you!
[calling out to the original Santa]
Scott
You hit me with a shovel!
[in pain]
Jack
Adios, fatty!
[puts on the red coat, becoming the new Santa; disappears in gold magic]
Scott
NO, FROST! NO!!! Oh, no...
[shocked; disappears in red magic]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Santa's Elves Prepare for Family Visit
Scott
Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada.
[having an idea]
Curtis
Canada?
[confused]
Scott
Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up! Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding the Nature of Elves
Bud
They're elves! They're not little Canadians, they're really elves!
[amazed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Moment of Family Connection
Carol
Come here.
[laughs]
Scott
Okay.
Carol
Ready? Wait for the kick.
Scott
She's brilliant like her mother with rhythm like her dad.
Carol
Yes. But, not amazing timing. I wish that the baby had come this afternoon, or last week like we thought. I'm going crazy. I mean, I'm really going crazy.
Scott
Uh, you need a diversion.
Carol
No, no, Scott. No more gifts. You already gave me a birthstone necklace, oven mitts, the cheese wheel.
Scott
Well, this is not for you. This is for the baby. I'll be back in a jiff. Ho! Ho! Ho!
[leaves the room and comes back through the fireplace. He holds a big bag and then pulls a much smaller one out of it. He then opens smaller bag, and a baby mobile magically appears]
Carol
Oh, Scott! Oh, honey, it's beautiful! The baby's gonna love it.
Scott
Yeah. It spins around like this.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Naughty List Perspectives on Fun
Lucy
That's Uncle Scott's snow globe. You are not supposed to have it.
[skips around the workshop, passes Santa's secret Hall of Snow Globes; notices Jack emerging from it with Scott’s snow globe in his hand]
Jack
I know. Isn't it great?
Lucy
It’s not great at all. You've done a terrible thing. You'll be on the naughty list for the rest of your life.
Jack
But people on the naughty list have more fun.
Lucy
I'm calling for help.
Jack
I wouldn't do that.
Lucy
Mom! Dad! Over here! Quick!
[walks back out to the workshop and calls out to her parents]
Neil
Lucy, what's wrong?
Laura
Sweetheart, what is it?
Jack
I told you not to do that.
Lucy
Jack Frost took Uncle Scott's snow globe, and he knows it's not his! Stop! Stop! No! What did you do?!
[Jack blows his frost on Laura and Neil; screams; Jack stops blowing; Laura and Neil are completely frozen]
Jack
I froze them. Now am I going to have to do the same thing to you, or are you going in that closet and not saying a word? Smart girl. Oh, smile, will ya? I've had kids beg me to freeze their parents. And to think I asked you to be my elf.
[inhales; pauses; Lucy unwillingly makes her choice and walks into the closet with her frozen parents; closes the closet]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Observing the Toymaking Process
Laura
Magnificent.
[amazed]
Neil
It's amazing.
Lucy
Killer!
Curtis
Now, please remember, you're welcome to observe, but don't touch anything or otherwise interfere with the toymaking process.
[runs in after them]
Neil
I'll make sure she doesn't get into anything.
Lucy
Look! Kobi the Magic Panda and accessories!
[runs down into the workshop]
Neil
Lucy! Lucy, come back here. Whoa! Trains.
[chases her; stops himself; runs down into the workshop]
Laura
I'm... I'm just gonna go to make a doll!
[to Curtis; runs down into the workshop]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The End of Santa's Reign
Jack
Get this through your head. You're not Santa anymore. You're just a guy who smells like a cookie.
[to Scott]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Impending Disaster and Humorous Response
Bud
What's the matter with you people? Don't you realize you were an inch away from Armageddon?
[after putting out an oven fire deliberately started by Jack]
Jack
I'll get a mop!
[sarcastically]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Handling Bad News Amid Christmas Pressure
Curtis
Sir! Sir!
Scott
Curtis, stop. If you're gonna tell me that the entire facility is ruined, and Christmas is tomorrow, and for the first time in history, all the kids in the world won't get their gifts because I failed them, stop it. I can't handle one more piece of bad news.
Curtis
Well, then, good news, sir.
Scott
What?
Curtis
Your pants are on fire.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Burdens of Holiday Expectations
Jack
You get the soda cans and you get the TV specials and you get the postage stamps and the billboards and the beautiful adoring wife and the army of toy-building yes men. What do I get? A few runny noses and some dead citrus.
[to Scott]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Excitement Builds for Baby Claus Arrival
Scott
BABY CLAUS IS ON THE WAY! Ladies, keep up! Please, hot water and hot ointments. You, think sugar plums. Do not panic! Do not panic! Curtis, the baby's coming!
Curtis
Cocoa, the baby's coming!
Cocoa
Mrs Claus, the baby's coming!
Carol
I KNOW!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for Comet's Flying Behavior
Scott
Comet! Next time we fly, go easy on the alfalfa, will you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Choice of Being Santa
1994 Charlie
Whoa! Dad, you gotta see this!
[upon seeing the reindeer on the rooftop]
1994 Scott
Charlie! Charlie! Stay away from those things.
[climbing up the ladder, carrying the suit and boots with him]
Jack
I want that coat!
Scott
Why? Because you make such a great Santa? Because all the elves love ya? Because all the people you took money from, they love ya? Listen to me. Being Santa is not something you can take. It's something that chooses you!
[while overpowering Jack]
1994 Scott
Well... how do I look? Nice?
[reluctantly puts on the coat]
Scott
And you're too late!
[to Jack; lets Jack go]
Jack
NOOOOOO!!!
[shocked; starts to disappear back to the original timeline; disappears in red magic]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Challenges Await at the North Pole
Taglines
His time at the North Pole is about to go South.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awakening from Sleep in Winter's Embrace
Mother Nature
Sandman!
[bangs the gavel]
Sandman
I'm up. I'm up!
[wakes up suddenly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Disappointing Offer from Santa's Helper
Curtis
Excuse me, sir.
[taps on Scott's shoulder]
Scott
Curtis!
[turns around; surprised]
Curtis
Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
Scott
No.
Curtis
Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Scott
What is that?
Curtis
Which is voice-enhanced. Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
[records his voice on the pen; plays back his recording]
Recorded voice of Curtis
Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
Scott
That's silly.
Curtis
And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
Scott
The nice list?
Curtis
Walk with me, won't you?
Scott
Curtis, it's me. Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?
[sees the nice list kiosk]
Curtis
Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Scott
Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!
[stammering]
Curtis
Security!
Scott
Bring Frost out here right now!
Jack
I'll take care of him. Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
[offscreen; appears as Santa]
Scott
Frost. What have you done?
Jack
Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?
Scott
Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
Jack
The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott
What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Jack
Please, I'm cleansing. So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? I got everything I need right here.
[chuckles; deep breath]
Scott
Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
Jack
Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
[sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen]
Scott
This junk is not what Christmas is about.
[takes the pen]
Jack
Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Scott
Because you tricked me.
Jack
Tricked you? Give me a break.
Scott
I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Jack
Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
Scott
What?
[an idea came to him; surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen]
Jack
I said, "Who said I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?
[a trifle impatiently]
Scott
Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
Jack
And this is your chance to enjoy the show. Security.
[to the security guard]
Security Guard
Yes, sir.
Jack
Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
Security Guard
Come on, let's go.
[to Scott]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for a Frosty Touch
Jack
Is there anything I can do?
Scott
Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating the Magic of the North Pole
Jack
Start spreadin th news...by jet or by sleighhhh...You wanna be a part of it - North Pole, North Pole...You snooze and you loooose...so come here to PLAYYYY...here at the VERY HEART OF IT - North Pole, North Pole...come see the SNOWMAN...up where NO MAN's without a treeeeat...And watch this KING OF THE CHILL - HA! - turn up the heeeeat...Ah-those-ah summuhtime bluuuues...are MELTing awayyyy...although it's 55 BELOW...at Polar Norrrth...You'll zip your - PARKA tight...sugar plum dreams - LATE AT night...It's all for YOU - North Pole, North Pole. You'll wanna WAKE UP in the RESORT that never sleeeeeps...and watch this king of the chill, in perfect control, Doing his THING at the TOP of the POLE...If you can MAKE IT HERE...the world's all...CHRISTMAS CHEER... ...holiday GOLD...North POLE...NOOOORRRTH POLLLLLE! Argh! I'm gonna KICK THE COAL outta whoever did that!
[in a ridiculously loud, booming tone and bombastic self-important style that makes him look like an overgrown puffed-up idiot; the elf pianist groans at the absurdity of this last statement; the audience applaud for the cheesy performance, until Scott swings the lights and kicks him off the stage, landing on the pile of presents]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Magical Moments of Santa's Delivery
Carol
And then the most magical thing of all is that I got to deliver just before Santa had to deliver.
Scott
Are you tellin stories again?
[walks in with a baby boy]
Elves
Awww. So cute.
[seeing Scott's baby boy]
Scott
Make sure you get to the part about Santa changin a mean diaper.
Trish
So, who got to pick out the name?
Carol
That was easy. We named him after his grandpa.
Scott
That's right. Say hello to... Buddy Claus.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tension Over Storytelling During Sleepy Mission
Scott
I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.
Sandman
I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jack Frost's Charges and Misunderstandings
Mother Nature
Jack Frost, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii, you made it snow in the Amazon, and you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.
Jack
Oh.
[scoffs]
Mother Nature
You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack
Excuse me, did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious?
Scott
Oh, please.
Jack
Guilty as charged.
Father Time
Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.
Tooth Fairy
You're the best friend, not the leading man.
Easter Bunny
And you kill fruit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Family Crisis Unfolds in a Closet
Lucy
Uncle Scott!
Scott
Lucy, what's happened?
Curtis
I found her locked in a closet.
Scott
What's wrong?
Lucy
You've gotta see what Jack Frost did to my mom and dad.
Scott
It's gonna be okay.
Jack
Ow. Yeah, and?
Scott
Elficers, I have him. Jack, this isn't funny. Unfreeze the parents right now.
[to Jack; sternly]
Jack
No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.
Scott
Mother Nature, help me out here. Can you thaw him out?
Mother Nature
I'm sorry, Santa. Our powers don't work on other legendary figures.
Jack
Isn't that a shame?
[chuckles]
Scott
What do you say, Luce?
[looks at Lucy and walks to her]
Lucy
Do you think it'll work?
Scott
The question is, do you?
Jack
Okay. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? Whatcha gonna do, adorable-ize me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my WAY-?! Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!
[Lucy hugs him; starts heating up; purrs; translation: Miguel, two plates of nachos, please?]
Lucy
I'm warming your heart.
Jack
But they told me it couldn't be done.
Lucy
But they didn't know about magical hugs.
Jack
I think I like it.
[smiles; sincerely]
Lucy
Mom, Dad!
Laura
Lucy!
Neil
Group hug! Feel the love.
[everyone joins in for a group hug]
Laura
Yes.
Carol
Oh, Scott, I think it's time.
[the baby is about to be born]
Scott
Oh, about 10:00.
[checks his watch, not noticing]
Carol
I think it's time to deliver "the package".
Scott
Midnight as usual.
[obliviously]
Carol
No, I think it's time to deliver "the package". Yeah.
[Scott looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization]
Scott
IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAGE!! Baby's on the way!
[finally understanding what Carol meant; he and the elves pushed Carol on a sled to the hospital in full speed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.