The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006) - Quotes

Taglines: Twas the fight before Christmas

Taglines: His time at the North Pole is about to go South.

Carol: And then the most magical thing of all is that I got to deliver just before Santa had to deliver.

Scott: [walks in with a baby boy] Are you tellin stories again?

Elves: [seeing Scott's baby boy] Awww. So cute.

Scott: Make sure you get to the part about Santa changin a mean diaper.

Trish: So, who got to pick out the name?

Carol: That was easy. We named him after his grandpa.

Scott: That's right. Say hello to... Buddy Claus.

Lucy: Uncle Scott!

Scott: Lucy, what's happened?

Curtis: I found her locked in a closet.

Scott: What's wrong?

Lucy: You've gotta see what Jack Frost did to my mom and dad.

Scott: It's gonna be okay.

Jack: Ow. Yeah, and?

Scott: [to Jack; sternly] Elficers, I have him. Jack, this isn't funny. Unfreeze the parents right now.

Jack: No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.

Scott: Mother Nature, help me out here. Can you thaw him out?

Mother Nature: I'm sorry, Santa. Our powers don't work on other legendary figures.

Jack: [chuckles] Isn't that a shame?

Scott: [looks at Lucy and walks to her] What do you say, Luce?

Lucy: Do you think it'll work?

Scott: The question is, do you?

Jack: [Lucy hugs him; starts heating up; purrs; translation: Miguel, two plates of nachos, please?] Okay. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? Whatcha gonna do, adorable-ize me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my WAY-?! Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!

Lucy: I'm warming your heart.

Jack: But they told me it couldn't be done.

Lucy: But they didn't know about magical hugs.

Jack: [smiles; sincerely] I think I like it.

Lucy: Mom, Dad!

Laura: Lucy!

Neil: [everyone joins in for a group hug] Group hug! Feel the love.

Laura: Yes.

Carol: [the baby is about to be born] Oh, Scott, I think it's time.

Scott: [checks his watch, not noticing] Oh, about 10:00.

Carol: I think it's time to deliver "the package".

Scott: [obliviously] Midnight as usual.

Carol: [Scott looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization] No, I think it's time to deliver "the package". Yeah.

Scott: [finally understanding what Carol meant; he and the elves pushed Carol on a sled to the hospital in full speed] IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAGE!! Baby's on the way!

Bud: [amazed] They're elves! They're not little Canadians, they're really elves!

Jack: [defeated] Well, that didn't work out the way I had hoped.

1994 Charlie: [upon seeing the reindeer on the rooftop] Whoa! Dad, you gotta see this!

1994 Scott: [climbing up the ladder, carrying the suit and boots with him] Charlie! Charlie! Stay away from those things.

Jack: I want that coat!

Scott: [while overpowering Jack] Why? Because you make such a great Santa? Because all the elves love ya? Because all the people you took money from, they love ya? Listen to me. Being Santa is not something you can take. It's something that chooses you!

1994 Scott: [reluctantly puts on the coat] Well... how do I look? Nice?

Scott: [to Jack; lets Jack go] And you're too late!

Jack: [shocked; starts to disappear back to the original timeline; disappears in red magic] NOOOOOO!!!

Recorded Audio of Jack: I wish I'd never been Santa at all!

Scott: [teasing Jack] Who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?

Jack: [to Scott] Get this through your head. You're not Santa anymore. You're just a guy who smells like a cookie.

Jack: [in a ridiculously loud, booming tone and bombastic self-important style that makes him look like an overgrown puffed-up idiot; the elf pianist groans at the absurdity of this last statement; the audience applaud for the cheesy performance, until Scott swings the lights and kicks him off the stage, landing on the pile of presents] Start spreadin th news...by jet or by sleighhhh...You wanna be a part of it - North Pole, North Pole...You snooze and you loooose...so come here to PLAYYYY...here at the VERY HEART OF IT - North Pole, North Pole...come see the SNOWMAN...up where NO MAN's without a treeeeat...And watch this KING OF THE CHILL - HA! - turn up the heeeeat...Ah-those-ah summuhtime bluuuues...are MELTing awayyyy...although it's 55 BELOW...at Polar Norrrth...You'll zip your - PARKA tight...sugar plum dreams - LATE AT night...It's all for YOU - North Pole, North Pole. You'll wanna WAKE UP in the RESORT that never sleeeeeps...and watch this king of the chill, in perfect control, Doing his THING at the TOP of the POLE...If you can MAKE IT HERE...the world's all...CHRISTMAS CHEER... ...holiday GOLD...North POLE...NOOOORRRTH POLLLLLE! Argh! I'm gonna KICK THE COAL outta whoever did that!

Curtis: [taps on Scott's shoulder] Excuse me, sir.

Scott: [turns around; surprised] Curtis!

Curtis: Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?

Scott: No.

Curtis: Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.

Scott: What is that?

Curtis: [records his voice on the pen; plays back his recording] Which is voice-enhanced. Will that be cash or credit card, sir?

Recorded voice of Curtis: Will that be cash or credit card, sir?

Scott: That's silly.

Curtis: And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.

Scott: The nice list?

Curtis: Walk with me, won't you?

Scott: [sees the nice list kiosk] Curtis, it's me. Oh, for the love of candy canes. What have you done here?

Curtis: Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.

Scott: [stammering] Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss? Where's Frost? Curtis, where's Frost?!

Curtis: Security!

Scott: Bring Frost out here right now!

Jack: [offscreen; appears as Santa] I'll take care of him. Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?

Scott: Frost. What have you done?

Jack: Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No "hello"? Love what you've done with the place?

Scott: Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?

Jack: The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.

Scott: What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?

Jack: [chuckles; deep breath] Please, I'm cleansing. So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys? I got everything I need right here.

Scott: Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.

Jack: [sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen] Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?

Scott: [takes the pen] This junk is not what Christmas is about.

Jack: Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.

Scott: Because you tricked me.

Jack: Tricked you? Give me a break.

Scott: I didn't know you had my snow globe.

Jack: Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?

Scott: [an idea came to him; surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen] What?

Jack: [a trifle impatiently] I said, "Who said I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's... mama?

Scott: Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.

Jack: [to the security guard] And this is your chance to enjoy the show. Security.

Security Guard: Yes, sir.

Jack: Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.

Security Guard: [to Scott] Come on, let's go.

Jack: [calling out to the original Santa] Hey, you!

Scott: [in pain] You hit me with a shovel!

Jack: [puts on the red coat, becoming the new Santa; disappears in gold magic] Adios, fatty!

Scott: [shocked; disappears in red magic] NO, FROST! NO!!! Oh, no...

Sylvia: Oh, honey.

Scott: [trying to comfort his wife] Honey, I think maybe I can fix that. I know you're upset.

Bud: [sarcastically] Oh, you picked up on that, did you?

Scott: Bud, what is that supposed to mean?

Bud: Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.

Scott: Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under!

Bud: Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore!

Carol: [in tears] Dad.

Scott: Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to make things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.

Bud: [decided] That's it. We're leaving.

Carol: [shocked] What?

Sylvia: Maybe we shouldn't have come.

Scott: Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.

Carol: [sadly] Maybe I should never have come either.

Jack: [rushes up to Scott; Carol leaves to sit down; to Scott; leaves with Scott] Don't say anything, you'll regret. I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh? Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go.

Sylvia: [comforting Carol] Oh, sweetheart.

Scott: It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.

Jack: Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.

Scott: But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.

Jack: [pulls up his present to Scott] You know, I-I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I-I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now.

Scott: I can't.

Jack: Come on. Open it.

Scott: I don't feel like it, Jack.

Jack: Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.

Scott: I don't feel like it, Jack.

Jack: Come on, you just open it, please.

Scott: [gives in; takes the present] Thanks.

Jack: So are there times when you wonder...

Scott: Wonder what?

Jack: If this was even...

Scott: [scoffs] Worth it? More than you know.

Jack: [nods] Tonight's one of these times, huh?

Scott: Wish I'd never put that red coat on.

Jack: So...you wish you'd never become Santa at all?

Scott: [scoffs] I wish I'd never become Santa.

Jack: At all?

Scott: [opens his present; notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow] At all. At all. Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy?

Jack: [smiles evilly] I am now.

Lucy: [skips around the workshop, passes Santa's secret Hall of Snow Globes; notices Jack emerging from it with Scott’s snow globe in his hand] That's Uncle Scott's snow globe. You are not supposed to have it.

Jack: I know. Isn't it great?

Lucy: It’s not great at all. You've done a terrible thing. You'll be on the naughty list for the rest of your life.

Jack: But people on the naughty list have more fun.

Lucy: I'm calling for help.

Jack: I wouldn't do that.

Lucy: [walks back out to the workshop and calls out to her parents] Mom! Dad! Over here! Quick!

Neil: Lucy, what's wrong?

Laura: Sweetheart, what is it?

Jack: I told you not to do that.

Lucy: [Jack blows his frost on Laura and Neil; screams; Jack stops blowing; Laura and Neil are completely frozen] Jack Frost took Uncle Scott's snow globe, and he knows it's not his! Stop! Stop! No! What did you do?!

Jack: [inhales; pauses; Lucy unwillingly makes her choice and walks into the closet with her frozen parents; closes the closet] I froze them. Now am I going to have to do the same thing to you, or are you going in that closet and not saying a word? Smart girl. Oh, smile, will ya? I've had kids beg me to freeze their parents. And to think I asked you to be my elf.

Jack: Is there anything I can do?

Scott: Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will you?

Curtis: Sir! Sir!

Scott: Curtis, stop. If you're gonna tell me that the entire facility is ruined, and Christmas is tomorrow, and for the first time in history, all the kids in the world won't get their gifts because I failed them, stop it. I can't handle one more piece of bad news.

Curtis: Well, then, good news, sir.

Scott: What?

Curtis: Your pants are on fire.

Bud: [after putting out an oven fire deliberately started by Jack] What's the matter with you people? Don't you realize you were an inch away from Armageddon?

Jack: [sarcastically] I'll get a mop!

Jack: Cocoachinos anyone?

Sylvia: Oh, yes.

Jack: [pulls out her chair; sits down; handing her a cup] I hope you like it. It's my special recipe.

Sylvia: Mmm, minty.

Jack: Doesn't it make you feel refreshed?

Sylvia: [drinks some more] Yes, it does!

Jack: Oh my, I just love your hair.

Sylvia: You do?

Jack: Yeah, I do.

Sylvia: I love yours.

Jack: You do?

Sylvia: Yeah, I do. I've never seen anything like it.

Jack: [woofs flirtatiously; Sylvia giggles] Oh, you're so adorable. You divine little kitten you. I bet you can sing.

Sylvia: No, no, no, no, no.

Jack: Oh, come on, I bet you can sing.

Sylvia: Mmm, a little.

Jack: I knew it! I knew it! Sing something for me.

Sylvia: What do you want to hear?

Jack: [singing] How about Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.

Sylvia: [singing] Jack Frost nippin at your nose. Yuletide carols being su-

Jack: No, no. Go back to the other line, the one before the first one.

Sylvia: [singing] Jack Frost nippin at your nose.

Jack: Ooh, it gives me the chills.

Sylvia: [singing] Jack Frost nippin at your nose.

Jack: Oh, what a lyric!

Carol: [walks in] Hey, guys, what's going on?

Jack: [excitedly; Sylvia playfully pinches his nose] Your mother is fabulous! Would you like to be my elf?

Sylvia: Huh?

Jack: You heard me.

Laura: [amazed] Magnificent.

Neil: It's amazing.

Lucy: Killer!

Curtis: [runs in after them] Now, please remember, you're welcome to observe, but don't touch anything or otherwise interfere with the toymaking process.

Neil: I'll make sure she doesn't get into anything.

Lucy: [runs down into the workshop] Look! Kobi the Magic Panda and accessories!

Neil: [chases her; stops himself; runs down into the workshop] Lucy! Lucy, come back here. Whoa! Trains.

Laura: [to Curtis; runs down into the workshop] I'm... I'm just gonna go to make a doll!

Sylvia: What a quaint little village. Everyone's just so petite.

Bud: No, Tom Cruise is petite, these guys are short! What's the deal?

Scott: Who? What? Um...Oh, uh...Have you ever been to this part of Canada?

Bud: No, it's too far. We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Sylvia's sister in 67, but no.

Scott: Very lovely place. But it's not Canada, is it?

Bud: No.

Scott: Well, this is...this is what Canadians look like.

Bud: [confused] Ah.

Scott: I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.

Sandman: I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.

Scott: Comet! Next time we fly, go easy on the alfalfa, will you?

Mother Nature: Jack Frost, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii, you made it snow in the Amazon, and you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.

Jack: [scoffs] Oh.

Mother Nature: You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.

Jack: Excuse me, did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious?

Scott: Oh, please.

Jack: Guilty as charged.

Father Time: Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.

Tooth Fairy: You're the best friend, not the leading man.

Easter Bunny: And you kill fruit!

Jack: [to Scott] You get the soda cans and you get the TV specials and you get the postage stamps and the billboards and the beautiful adoring wife and the army of toy-building yes men. What do I get? A few runny noses and some dead citrus.

Mother Nature: [bangs the gavel] Sandman!

Sandman: [wakes up suddenly] I'm up. I'm up!

Scott: [having an idea] Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this? My Dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada.

Curtis: [confused] Canada?

Scott: Canada. It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game. Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody! Elves, everybody listen up! Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming!

Carol: [laughs] Come here.

Scott: Okay.

Carol: Ready? Wait for the kick.

Scott: She's brilliant like her mother with rhythm like her dad.

Carol: Yes. But, not amazing timing. I wish that the baby had come this afternoon, or last week like we thought. I'm going crazy. I mean, I'm really going crazy.

Scott: Uh, you need a diversion.

Carol: No, no, Scott. No more gifts. You already gave me a birthstone necklace, oven mitts, the cheese wheel.

Scott: [leaves the room and comes back through the fireplace. He holds a big bag and then pulls a much smaller one out of it. He then opens smaller bag, and a baby mobile magically appears] Well, this is not for you. This is for the baby. I'll be back in a jiff. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Carol: Oh, Scott! Oh, honey, it's beautiful! The baby's gonna love it.

Scott: Yeah. It spins around like this.

Scott: BABY CLAUS IS ON THE WAY! Ladies, keep up! Please, hot water and hot ointments. You, think sugar plums. Do not panic! Do not panic! Curtis, the baby's coming!

Curtis: Cocoa, the baby's coming!

Cocoa: Mrs Claus, the baby's coming!

Carol: I KNOW!!!

Carol: [one elf raises her hand] All right, class, if a reindeer leaves Elfsburg flying west at 20 miles per hour, and another reindeer flies east traveling at 50 miles per hour, how many hours does it take for them to be 210 miles apart? Anyone? Anyone? Trish.

Trish: How come we can't learn the things we want to learn?

Carol: Like what?

Trish: Like, wasn't it weird when you married Santa, and had to move all the way up to the Pole and give up your old life, Mrs. Claus?

Carol: Weirder than you can possibly imagine. But then something so gigantic happened that it changed Santa and me forever.

Trish: Like what?

Carol: [smiles] Okay.