The Watch (2012) - Quotes

A Conversation About Taking Risks

Bob: When are you gonna take the plunge and knock a few out?

Evan: Well, it's not that simple.

Bob: Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina. You know what I mean? Make it happen.

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A Shocking Family Reputation Revealed

Jason: Is it true your dad ripped off your last boyfriend's dick?

Chelsea: Yep.

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Unexpected Arrival and Mixed Reactions

Bob: What the fuck is he doing here?

Evan: It's ok he saved us!

Franklin: Ya he came in here jackin dicks left and right.

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Conflict Between Friends Escalates in Humor

Bob: You know what, pal? If being overly aggressive and a little bit snippy was a crime, I'd be making a citizen's arrest right now.

Manfred: Why don't you just shut your cocksucker there, dickweed?

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Unexpected Greetings and Disagreements

Jamarcus: Nice to meet you.

Manfred: Fuck you, curly!

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Recognition of Past Achievements

Evan: [Looking at green gunge] Wait a second. I've seen this stuff before.

Franklin: Had you just won a Kids choice award?

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Discussion on Quality of Items

Jamarcus: [about the uniforms] Can I just say, Bob, that these are the shits?

Franklin: Just "the shit.

Jamarcus: These are just shit.

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Unconventional Heroic Fantasies Discussed Among Friends

Jamarcus: I have this one scenario in my mind. I kinda hope it plays out like this: young, sexy, Asian housewife, alone at night, frightened. A noise out by the trash cans. Best call the neighborhood watch. I show up, look heroic, and then... get this - she sucks my balls.

Franklin: I'm also interested in that happening to me.

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Critique of Neighborhood Watch Effectiveness

Manfred Salisbury: Neighborhood watch. What a fucking joke!

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Unusual Request from Jamarcus Perkins

Jamarcus Perkins: It's OK. Touch my goo, Bob!

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Respect for Bob and Consequences of Disrespect

Franklin Fawcett: You don't fuck with Bob! You show Bob respect. Bob's my special guy. That's right! That's right. That just happened. You don't tell your parents about this. You don't tell your friends about this. You write it in your dream journal. You lock it up and put it under your pillow. I will come back here and I will kill each and every one of you! Except for those two hot girls I was talking to. They have my information, please have them get in contact with me. They seam great.

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Unexpected Encounter with an Alien

Franklin Fawcett: Fuckin alien came on my face.

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Prepare for Battle Against Alien Threats

Franklin Fawcett: Lock and load, bitches! Anything from outer space, kill it!

Welcome to the Candy Shop

Franklin Fawcett: [revealing his gun collection] Welcome to candyshop, motherfuckers!

Uniforms for Everyone, Even the Pigs

Franklin Fawcett: Pigs have uniforms, I think we should have uniforms too. Gotta match those fuckers on every level.

A Unique Investment in Comfort and Relaxation

Bob McAllister: [about his massage chair] That is the best 2300 bucks I ever spent. I got it at a place called relaxtheback.com. It's like Toys-R-Us for your ass and back.

Balancing Hobbies and Responsibilities

Bob McAllister: Singing was their hobby. Closing ass was their job.

Best and worst case scenarios outlined

Bob McAllister: Here's the best case scenario: he's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz, he wants to listen to some of the old songs from his childhood. Worst case scenario: you're getting fucked in the ass.