The Wolf of Wall Street Quotes

Naomi I want a ]

Donnie I got a couple of mil comin in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.

Brad You'll give me a call?

Donnie When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.

Chantalle Well, we don't fuckin work for you, man!

Donnie Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Okay? Technically, you do work for me.

Mark Hanna Think about it. You're dealing with numbers. All day long, decimal points, high frequencies. Bang, bang, bang. Fucking digits. All very acidic above-the-shoulders mustard shit. All right? It kind of wigs some people out. Right. You got to feed the geese to keep the blood flowing. I keep the rhythm below the belt. Done.

Max Belfort What kind of hooker takes credit cards?

Donnie A rich one!

Jordan You want a ] pal?

Donnie What are you drinkin'?

Jordan I got this ]...

Donnie What's that?

Jordan It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.

Donnie It's a beer?

Jordan Yeah, with no alcohol.

Donnie But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you ]?

Jordan No, there's no alcohol. That's the fuckin point.

Donnie I'm not a ]; I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want fuckin beer.

Jordan I know, but ], remember? I don't drink anymore?

Donnie What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of ], ]? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting fucked up. I love it.

Jordan Yeah...

Donnie How's being sober?

Jordan It fuckin sucks.

Donnie ], right?

Jordan So boring. I'm gonna ].

Jordan WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!

Beecham THE ] JUST WENT OVERBOARD!

Jordan Oh, Jesus Christ! Honey, you okay?

Beecham The waves are twenty feet high and building!

Jordan Turn around! Just go the other fuckin way!

Beecham Can't! We'll get broadsided and tip over!

Jordan I am a master diver, you hear that?! I am a master diver! No one's gonna fucking die! I got you. Just trust me, okay? I love you. Just hold on tight. Donnie. Hold on, baby! Donnie. Donnie!

Donnie What?

Jordan Hold on, baby. Get the ludes.

Donnie I don't wanna die, Jordan! I've done a lot of bad shit, I'm going to hell, Jordan! Fucked up! I fucked up so bad!

Jordan Get the ludes downstairs.

Donnie What are you saying?!

Jordan Get the ludes!

Donnie I can't go down there! It's flooded, it's three feet of water down there!

Jordan I WILL NOT DIE SOBER! GET THOSE FUCKIN LUDES!

Donnie Okay!

Jordan GO!

Donnie Okay!

Jordan Belfort An ] is an initial public offering. It's a first time a ] is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price, then sold those shares right back to our friends. The i- Look, I-I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's-that's okay. That doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? ]. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.

Mark Hanna The name of the game; move the money from the client's pocket into your pocket.

Jordan Right. But, if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?

Mark Hanna No. Number one rule of Wall Street: Nobody - I don't care if you're ] or ] - Nobody knows if the stock's going to go up, down, sideways, or in fucking circles, least of all stockbrokers. It's all a Fugazzi. You know what a Fugazzi is?

Jordan It's, uh... "Fugazi", it's a fake...

Mark Hanna Fugazi, Fugazzi. It's a wazzy, it's a woozy. It's fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's Neverlanded. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not fucking real. Stay with me. We don't create shit. We don't build anything. So if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and it now sits at 16, and he's all fuckin happy. He wants to cash in, liquidate, take his fuckin money and run home. You don't let him do that, because that would make it real. No. What do you do? You get another brilliant idea. A special idea. Another "situation". Another stock, to reinvest his earnings and then some. And he will, every single time, because they're fucking addicted. And then you just keep doing this, again and again and again and again. Meanwhile, he thinks he's getting shit rich, which he is, on paper. But you and me, the brokers, we're taking home cold hard cash via commission, motherfucker!

Mark Hanna HOLY... FUCKING... SHIT.

Jordan Belfort On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate ], ], and ] for a month. I take ] 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", ] to stay focused, ] to take the edge off, ] to mellow me out, ] to wake me back up again, and ]... Well, because it's awesome.

Jordan Belfort This right here is the ]. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on! They're gonna need to send in the ] to take me out, cause I ain't going nowhere!

Mark Hanna We don't give two shits about how technology works. All we care about is being fucking RICH.

Jordan Belfort You want to know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on ]. ]; I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other. I was hooked in seconds. It was like main-lining ].

Jordan Belfort I clean up my act, I did rehab, I'm a TV personality, I'm sober for two years, and THIS happens. Rugrat goes and gets busted down in ], and guess who the fuck with? Saurel. I mean, what are the fucking odds? There had to be 10,000 ] bankers in ], and Rugrat gets the one dumb enough to get himself arrested on U.S. soil. Even more fucked, was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me! Something about laundering drug money through off-shore boat racing and a guy named ]. You know, the founder of ]. Benihana? Beni-fucking-hana?! BENI-FUCKING-HANA?! WHY?! WHY, WHY, GOD?! WHY WOULD YOU BE SO CRUEL AS TO CHOOSE A CHAIN OF FUCKING ] RESTAURANTS TO TAKE ME DOWN?!

Donnie Azoff Fuck you, ] Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Jordan Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?

Naomi Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.

Jordan Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!

Naomi Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.

Jordan Yeah?

Naomi Yeah... In fact, she's decided to throw them all... away. So take a good look, Daddy. You're gonna see an awful lot of this around the house. But no touching.

Jordan Oh, gosh.

Jordan Belfort My name is Jordan Belfort. Not him. Me. That's right. I'm a former member of the ] raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in ]. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own ] firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.

Donnie Azoff Oh, my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it... is it mayhem? Are people ] and ]? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

Mark Hanna We don't start dialing at 9:30, because our clients are already answering the phone! Three, two, one, LET'S FUCK!

Jordan I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.

Donnie Shit with me?

Jordan People say shit... I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.

Donnie What do they say?

Jordan Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...

Donnie No... it's not like that. It's not like that.

Jordan I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.

Donnie Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.

Jordan Is she like, a first cousin?

Donnie Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.

Jordan Well, you know, when you sail on a boat fit for a ] villain, sometimes you need to play the part. I think it's time you both get the fuck off my boat. Whaddya say?

Denham You know, Jordan, I'll tell you something. Most of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust... They're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you, you, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.

Jordan Did I?

Denham Good for you, little man.

Jordan Little man? Me, the little man?

Denham Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.

Jordan I bet it is.

Denham And you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The fucking hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this fucking boat. Because, I mean, fuckety fuck fuck, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.

Jordan All right, get the fuck off my boat.

Denham I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.

Jordan I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly fuckin wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime. Hey, you guys wanna take some lobsters for your ride home? Fuckin miserable pricks, I know you can't afford them! Fuckin cheap fucks!

Jordan Belfort Mr. Hanna, you're able to do drugs during the day and then still function, still do your job?

Mark Hanna How the fuck else are you supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.

Jordan Belfort So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your ] bills? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless ]? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that phone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will make you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United States of fucking America!

Jordan Belfort The only thing standing between you and your ] is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.

Jordan Belfort Let me tell you something. There's no ] in ]. I've been a poor man, and I've been a ] man. And I choose rich every fucking time.

Jordan Belfort The Quaalude, or Lude as it is commonly referred to, ]—that's ], not ]—as a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out ] with ]. But, pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to sleep for just 15 minutes, you got a pretty kick-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing Ludes, of course, and ] Which meant there was only a finite amount of these things left. No shit. You can't even buy them, anymore. You people are all shit out of luck.

FBI Agent Patrick Denham Hey, Jordon, let me give you a little legal advice: Shut the fuck up! Oh, fuck you, you fucking prick! I'm making an honest living, you motherfucker!]

Donnie How much money you make?

Jordan $70,000 last month.

Donnie Get the fuck outta here!

Jordan Well technically, $72,000 last month.

Donnie You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.

Donnie Hey, Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey listen, I quit!

Jordan Belfort Thank God Aunt Emma didn’t need too much convincing. Turned out the British weren’t too different from the Swiss; money talks and bullshit takes the bus. How do you say “rat hole” in British?

Mark Hanna Get us two ] ]. You know how I like em, straight up. In seven and one and a half minutes, you will bring us two more, then two more every five minutes after that, until one of us passes the fuck out.

Hector Excellent strategy, sir.

Jordan Oh, I'm good with water for now though. Thank you.

Mark Hanna It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.

Jordan Belfort I ]... for eleven seconds.