There's Something About Mary (1998) - Quotes

The Unexplainable Charm of Her Presence

Taglines: There's Just Something About Her...

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Film Production and Animal Welfare Statement

Taglines: No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Everybody else was on their own.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ultimate Video Viewing Experience

Taglines: The most fun you can have on video.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Love and Hair Connections

Taglines: Love is in the hair.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Love Story with a Singular Focus

Taglines: A love story with only one thing on its mind...

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A Love Story from the Farrelly Brothers

Taglines: Warning: The guys who did Dumb & Dumber and Kingpin bring you a love story.

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Conflicting Emotions in a Romantic Moment

Mary: Ted? Did you mean what you said back there?

Ted: [Tearfully] Uh huh. I just want you to be happy, Mary.

Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.

Ted: You're fucking with me, right?

Ted: [[Brett Favre|Brett Fahvra] What about ]...?

Mary: What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!

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Understanding Male Nervousness Before Dates

Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?

Ted: Cause I'm tired...

Dom: Wrong! It's cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck your head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually...you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

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Playful Banter Between Ted and Mary

Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner? You know, catch up on old times?

Mary: Didn't we just do that?

Ted: Oh, uh...

Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!

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Misunderstanding Leads to Unexpected Consequences

Ted: Look, I didn't solicit any sex, okay? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...

Detective Stabler: [about the dead body in the trunk] Ted, Ted, it's okay, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car.

Ted: [smiles] Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck. I get caught for everything.

Detective Krevoy: [pats Ted's shoulder] So...you admit it?

Ted: Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.

Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

Ted: Ah...no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase? I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?

Detective Stabler: [nods] First tell us why you did it.

Ted: Why I did it? Ah...I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.

Detective Krevoy: [trying to control himself] Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?

Ted: No.

Detective Krevoy: How many are we talking here?

Ted: [confused] Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from, this is not that big deal, I mean...

Detective Krevoy: [slams Ted's head against the desk] You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!

Detective Stabler: Take it easy! Calm down! Are you okay?

Ted: [to Krevoy] What the hell is wrong with you?

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Debate on Political Correctness in Conversation

Pat: [after telling Mary that he's an architect] Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.

Mary: And what's that?

Pat: I work with retards.

Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

Pat: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

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Seeking the Ideal Partner's Traits

Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game and eat hot dogs. I'm talking sausage hot dogs and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.

Brenda: Hmm...a fatty who likes golf and beer. Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?

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The Humor of Franks and Beans

Charlie: Is it the frank or the beans?

Ted: I don't know. Both, I guess.

Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!

Charlie: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Misunderstanding Over a Baseball's Identity

Warren: Have you seen my baseball? Have you seen my baseball?

Student: Hey, buddy! I think I know where your ball is!

Warren: You seen my baseball?

Student: [Whispers in Warren's ear] Yeah, you see that girl over there? She's got it. Only she doesn't call it a baseball, she's got another name for it.

Warren: [Walks up to a couple kissing] Have you seen my...wiener?

Girl: What?!

Warren: Have you seen my wiener?

Boyfriend: What the hell did you just say, buddy?!

Warren: Wiener...

Boyfriend: Get your hand off my car, I'm gonna fuckin kick your ass!

Unexpected Humor in a Serious Situation

Magda: The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

Assessing Relationship Options and Preferences

Pat Healy: [while spying on Mary] Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

Unexpected Lessons from Awkward Situations

Dom Woganowski: Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.