19 quotes
Unexpected Humor in a Serious Situation
Magda
The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Humor of Franks and Beans
Charlie
Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted
I don't know. Both, I guess.
Warren
Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!
[from outside]
Charlie
Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Unexplainable Charm of Her Presence
Taglines
There's Just Something About Her...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Film Production and Animal Welfare Statement
Taglines
No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Everybody else was on their own.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Love Story from the Farrelly Brothers
Taglines
Warning: The guys who did Dumb & Dumber and Kingpin bring you a love story.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Assessing Relationship Options and Preferences
Pat Healy
Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.
[while spying on Mary]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Recognition and Friendship in Unexpected Places
Ted Stroehmenn
I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.
[about Mary]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Love and Hair Connections
Taglines
Love is in the hair.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Lessons from Awkward Situations
Dom Woganowski
Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Leads to Unexpected Consequences
Ted
Look, I didn't solicit any sex, okay? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...
Detective Stabler
Ted, Ted, it's okay, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car.
[about the dead body in the trunk]
Ted
Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck. I get caught for everything.
[smiles]
Detective Krevoy
So...you admit it?
[pats Ted's shoulder]
Ted
Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.
Detective Krevoy
Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ted
Ah...no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase? I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?
Detective Stabler
First tell us why you did it.
[nods]
Ted
Why I did it? Ah...I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.
Detective Krevoy
Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?
[trying to control himself]
Ted
No.
Detective Krevoy
How many are we talking here?
Ted
Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from, this is not that big deal, I mean...
[confused]
Detective Krevoy
You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!
[slams Ted's head against the desk]
Detective Stabler
Take it easy! Calm down! Are you okay?
Ted
What the hell is wrong with you?
[to Krevoy]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeking the Ideal Partner's Traits
Mary
I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game and eat hot dogs. I'm talking sausage hot dogs and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda
Hmm...a fatty who likes golf and beer. Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Political Correctness in Conversation
Pat
Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
[after telling Mary that he's an architect]
Mary
And what's that?
Pat
I work with retards.
Mary
Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat
Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Love Story with a Singular Focus
Taglines
A love story with only one thing on its mind...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Male Nervousness Before Dates
Dom
You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?
Ted
Cause I'm tired...
Dom
Wrong! It's cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck your head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually...you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Playful Banter Between Ted and Mary
Ted
Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner? You know, catch up on old times?
Mary
Didn't we just do that?
Ted
Oh, uh...
Mary
I'm fucking with you, Ted!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ultimate Video Viewing Experience
Taglines
The most fun you can have on video.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicting Emotions in a Romantic Moment
Mary
Ted? Did you mean what you said back there?
Ted
Uh huh. I just want you to be happy, Mary.
[Tearfully]
Mary
But I'd be happiest with you.
Ted
You're fucking with me, right?
Ted
What about ]...?
[[Brett Favre|Brett Fahvra]
Mary
What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Over a Baseball's Identity
Warren
Have you seen my baseball? Have you seen my baseball?
Student
Hey, buddy! I think I know where your ball is!
Warren
You seen my baseball?
Student
Yeah, you see that girl over there? She's got it. Only she doesn't call it a baseball, she's got another name for it.
[Whispers in Warren's ear]
Warren
Have you seen my...wiener?
[Walks up to a couple kissing]
Girl
What?!
Warren
Have you seen my wiener?
Boyfriend
What the hell did you just say, buddy?!
Warren
Wiener...
Boyfriend
Get your hand off my car, I'm gonna fuckin kick your ass!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Presence of Hair Gel
Mary Jensen
Is that... is that hair gel?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.