Trading Places (1983) - Quotes

Inquiry About Identity

Louis: [after giving the secret knock] Who is it?

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Reconnecting at the African Education Conference

Louis: Nenge! Nenge Mboko, from Cameroon? Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph!

Billy Ray: Lionel! From the African Education Conference!

Louis: Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.

Billy Ray: I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!

Both: Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ah ha! Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ah ha!

Billy Ray: Oh, memories!

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Moderation in Religion and Enjoyment

Coleman: [offering Billy Ray a sip from his flask; they are both in Halloween costumes] Would you like a sip of whiskey?

Billy Ray: I do not drink, it is against my religion!

Coleman: Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.

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Cultural Differences in New Year Greetings

Billy Ray: Merry New Year!

Beeks: Happy New Year. In this country we say "Happy New Year.

Billy Ray: Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!

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Conspiracy Unfolds Over Secret Crop Report

Billy Ray and Louis: [in perfect unison, as they both suddenly stand} CLARENCE BEEKS!!!

Billy Ray: The Dukes just gave that guy ten grand!

Louis: 10 grand?!? I saw an outlay to him in the payroll for 50,000! Mortimer said it was for research.

Billy Ray: Yeah, research on how he can get his hands on that top-secret crop report two days before it goes public!

Louis: [whispering in shock, horror, and realization] My God. The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!

Ophelia: Unless somebody stops them.

Coleman: [carrying tray; all turn and look at him] Or beats them to it. Eggnog?

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Consequences of Violence and Poor Decisions

Billy Ray: [watches Louis clean his shotgun] You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun cause you pissed at em.

Louis: Why not?

Billy Ray: It's called assault with a deadly weapon; you get twenty years for that shit!

Louis: Listen, do you have any better ideas?

Billy Ray: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.

Coleman: [Bringing more shotguns to Louis] You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit!

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The Dukes' Experiment and Its Consequences

Coleman: Oh, dear!

Billy Ray: [Choking] It … was … the … Dukes! It … was … the … Dukes!

Louis: [Coleman and Ophelia pull him off Valentine] You're a DEAD MAN, Valentine!!!

Billy Ray: [Gasping; Louis calms down] It was an experiment! They used us as guinea pigs, man! The Dukes used us as guinea pigs, to see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.

Coleman: I'm afraid it's true, sir.

Ophelia: I believe him, Louie.

Louis: The Dukes … ruined my life … over a bet. For how much?

Billy Ray: A dollar.

Louis: One dollar. Fine. That's the way they want it? No problem.

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Consequences of a Bet in Trading Places

Randolph: Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.

Mortimer: Here, one dollar.

Randolph: [chuckling; laughs] We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer! Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?

Mortimer: I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.

Randolph: You mean, keep Valentine on as managing director?

Mortimer: Do you really believe I would have a nigger run our family business, Randolph?

Randolph: Of course not. Neither would I.

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Pork Belly Market Panic and Predictions

Randolph: Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?

Billy Ray: Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy cheap and go long - which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin batshit. They're thinking, "Hey, we're losin all our goddamn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming, "SELL! SELL!" Cuz they don't wanna lose all their money, right? They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!

Randolph: He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

Billy Ray: I'd wait till you get to around sixty-four, then I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

Randolph: (punches his calculator) Do you realize how much money he's just saved us?

Mortimer: Money isn't everything, Randolph!

Randolph: (on telephone) This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at 64. Mr. Valentine has set the price.

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Implying Theft in a Heated Exchange

Pawnbroker: Burnt my fingers, man.

Louis: I beg your pardon?

Pawnbroker: Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.

Louis: Hot? Do you mean to imply stolen?

Pawnbroker: I'll give you 50 bucks for it.

Louis: 50 bucks? No, no, no. This is a Rouchefoucauld. The thinnest water-resistant watch in the world. Singularly unique, sculptured in design, hand-crafted in Switzerland, and water resistant to three atmospheres. This is the sports watch of the 80s. $6,955 retail!

Pawnbroker: You got a receipt?

Louis: Look, it tells time simultaneously in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome, and Gstaad.

Pawnbroker: In Philadelphia, it's worth 50 bucks.

Louis: (defeated) Just give me the money.

Louis: How much for the gun?

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Understanding Commodities in Trading

Billy Ray: No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.

Mortimer: This is not a meal, Valentine. We are here to try to explain to you what it is we do here.

Randolph: [Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera; He chuckles] We are commodities brokers, William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast, … wheat, which is used to make bread, … pork bellies, which is used to make bacon - which you might find in a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice, … and gold. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges. Clear so far?

Billy Ray: [who isn't but is nodding and smiling as though he understands, which he doesn't] Yeah.

Randolph: Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy, or sell, their gold for them.

Mortimer: Tell him the good part.

Randolph: The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.

Mortimer: Well? What do you think, Valentine?

Billy Ray: Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies!

Randolph: [chuckling, patting Billy Ray on the back] I told you he'd understand.

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Embracing Authenticity in Uncertain Situations

Billy Ray: What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?

Coleman: Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.

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Unexpected Profit from a Broken Vase

Billy Ray: [after breaking a vase] Hey, sorry about that.

Randolph Duke: It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.

Billy Ray: That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?

Randolph Duke: I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.

Billy Ray: You want me to break something else?

Randolph Duke, Mortimer Duke, Coleman: NO!

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Heritage Club President Addresses Serious Theft Issue

Heritage Club President: May I have your attention please? There is something vile that has never reared its ugly head in our two hundred and seven years of existence. There is a thief in the Heritage Club. And by "thief," I do not mean the ordinary street punk our own Winthorpe had the courage to stand up to yesterday. Mild applause No, this thief is 100 times lower. And without further ado, may I introduce Mr. Clarence Beeks of Lyndhurst Security?

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A Night of Unwanted Guests

Coleman: Your … friends seemed to enjoy themselves, sir. In all, I'd say it was quite a success.

Billy Ray: [disgusted] They wasn't no "friends" of mine, Coleman. Just a bunch'a freeloaders treatin my house like it was a goddamn zoo.

Coleman: Why don't you retire, sir? You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.

Billy Ray: Yeah...I think I will, uh, "retire.

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Unexpected Musical Moments in Trading Places

Mortimer: What's he doing in there?

Coleman: I believe he is singing, sir.

Randolph: They're very musical people, aren't they?

Coleman: What should I do with his clothes, sir?

Mortimer: Send them to the laundry. He'll want something nice and clean to wear to the ghetto...after I've won the bet.

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Karate Man's Inner Strength Revealed

Big Black Guy #1: You beating up on a man. You putting a man in a hospital? How come I don't see no marks on you?

Big Black Guy #2: Yeah!

Billy Ray: Cause I'm a karate man, see! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking motherfucker! So get outta my face!

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Frustration in a Cell Block Conversation

Billy Ray: [Billy Ray is in jail] I wish my bitches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.

Big Black Guy # 1: Where is your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?

Billy Ray: [to Cellmate #2] Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?

Cellmate #2: [to Big Black Guy] Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?

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A Conversation on Money and Greed

Randolph Duke: Money isn't everything, Mortimer.

Mortimer Duke: Oh, grow up.

Randolph Duke: Mother always said you were greedy.

Mortimer Duke: She meant it as a compliment.

Concerns Over Employee Payroll Payments

Louis: Randolph. Mortimer.

Mortimer Duke: Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?

Louis: Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!

Mortimer Duke: We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.

Louis: [laughs] Can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.

Christmas Bonus Exchange in Trading Places

Randolph Duke: Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.

Ezra: Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.

Mortimer Duke: Half of it is from me.

Ezra: Thank you, Mr. Mortimer.

Confrontation Amidst Drug-Related Tensions

Officer Reynolds: [to Louis] Strip, you little shit, before I tear your ass!

Corrupt Cop: [Takes some PCP out of a baggie and tastes it] That's PCP! Phenycyclidine. Angel dust! You ever seen what this stuff does to kids? You're looking at 3 to 5 mandatory... Louis!

Bunny: And she stepped on the ball.

Even Bigger Black Guy: It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.

Harvey: Monkey? MONKEY! I'm a gorilla, you clown!

Beeks: Hey. Back off! I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.

The Cost of Living with Others

Ophelia: [noticing Louis watch her undress] By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You sleep on the couch.

Harvard Tie and Class Distinctions

Louis Winthorpe III: He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? MY Harvard tie. Like oh, sure, HE went to Harvard.

Nightmare of Loss and Rejection

Louis Winthorpe III: [sees Billy and attacks] I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro. .

Unexpected Advances in Trading Places

Louis Winthorpe III: [to Penelope, as he is leaving jail] Those men wanted to have sex with me!

Billy Ray Valentine's Zodiac Sign

Billy Ray Valentine: [introducing himself] Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.

Confronting the Source of His Troubles

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted.

Humorous Reflection on Childhood Experiences

Billy Ray Valentine: When I was a kid, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.

A Suggestion for the Officer's Night Stick

Billy Ray Valentine: [watching cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?

Understanding the "Quart of Blood" Technique

Billy Ray Valentine: [after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a person's body.

Unexpected Connections and Bold Statements

Billy Ray Valentine: [while acting blind and legless; the woman begins to walk away] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!