We're the Millers (2013) - Quotes

Melissa Fitzgerald: You're drug dealers?

Kenny Rossmore: No, we're drug smugglers.

Rose: [Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting] Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest.

Rose: You know what I'm sayin'?

Scottie P.: Oh, really, bitch?

Rose: Yeah, bitch.

Kenny: You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man.

Scottie P.: What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows?

Kenny: [Rose punches Scottie P. in the face] One... two...

Scottie P.: [He runs away with a bloody nose] OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha I'm sayin'?

Rose: [to Casey] Are you okay?

Casey: I'm fine. That was awesome, you just fuckin decked him!

Rose: Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch em on "one".

Kenny: Well, David told me to count...

Rose: David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever. I think the exit is this way.

David: I have returned.

Casey: Go fuck yourself.

David: [[w:Wit|The repartée] This is what I miss, right? The ping pong action. ]. Casey says, "Go fuck yourself," then you go fuck yourself, and then Rose, you say, "you go fuck yourself," then Kenny's like, "I don't wanna fuck anybody.

Rose: We're not getting in the RV.

David: What? Okay, okay. I know what this is about, and I get it. We're gonna split the $500,000 evenly, betwixt the four of us. You guys get what I'm saying here? Kenny, you wanna be like this. That's a lot of video games, kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what I mean? Like, whatever. You get $125,000, You get $125,000, you get a... you know, I'm like fuckin Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay, look, what do you want? You want me to beg? Kids, what do you think?

Rose: We didn't know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn't have called?

David: Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there. "hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a fucking smile, #YOLO".

Casey: Whoa, was that so hard to say. Thank you, appreciate that.

David: Unbelievable, she learned a new word, Rose. Thank God.

Casey: I'm sorry," he will be great.

David: Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my God, you look so much better.

Rose: Yeah, doesn't he look better?

David: Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Let's go, come on.

Kenny: Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow.

Rose: Are you okay?

Kenny: I think so.

Rose: David, look what's happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person.

David: What are you talking about? He's fine, come on. Come on, Ken doll, hop hop, buddy. Here we go, here we go.

Rose: What the hell is wrong with you?

David: [Rose and Casey's eyes widen] What's wrong with me? Look, this job has a deadline and in four fucking hours, alright? And if you're thinking I'm gonna lose half a million dollars pay day because of one of Kenny's boo-boos, then you're out of your Goddamned mind!

Rose: Whoa, wait a second. You're making half a million dollars on this deal?

David: Uh...roughly.

Rose: I cannot believe you!

David: Rose, listen to me, I can explain it.

Rose: You are making $500,000 and you were only gonna pay me 30?!

Casey: You're getting 30 grand?! I'm getting a thousand!

Kenny: Wait, you guys are gettin paid?

Rose: Wait a second. Hold on, come here. I'd like to have a little chat with your friend.

Casey: [visibly annoyed] Are you kidding me?

Rose: I am not kidding you. Would you please have a seat?

Casey: What is going on?

Rose: So, Scottie P., what exactly do you for a living?

Casey: Oh, Mom!

Scottie P.: I work for P&J Amusements. I maintain the monkey maze, if you know what I'm saying.

David: What the hell is a monkey maze?

Scottie P.: Oh, it's like a terrifying death trap, but for little kids.

David: [[w:tatoo|tats] Hey, those are cool ], man.

Scottie P.: Oh, for real. Thank you, bro. You see the cobra?

David: What's this? The one right there?

Scottie P.: Oh, this?

David: Uh-huh.

Scottie P.: [Pulls down shirt collar to reveal "NO RAGRETS"] That's my credo. "No ragrets.

David: Mm-hm. How about that. You have no regrets?

Casey: [Casey flips off both David and Rose behind Scottie P.'s back with both hands] Dad...

Scottie P.: No. Not one.

David: Like, not even a single letter?

Scottie P.: [laughs] No way... uh huh, at least, not me.

Casey: Dad... I love him.

David: [High fives him] I think he's great. I think he's real winner, Casey. If I were you, I wouldn't use protection, have fun. Scottie P., you're the man.

Scottie P.: [Casey gets on Scottie P.'s motorcycle and he speeds off, narrowly missing people on the campsite] Yeah? For real. Nice meeting you, man. Alright, you too.

David: [To Rose] Come on, she's gonna be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet. Actually, she might already be pregnant.

Scottie P.: What's up, dog?

David: Not much, dog, what's up with you?

Scottie P.: I'm here to pick up Casey. You know what I'm sayin'?

David: Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.

David Clark: [on the phone, to Brad] Oh, hello, Brad. Where the fuck have you been? I left you like 5 messages, man!

Brad: David! You’re alive! Cool! How did that happen?

David: Why don’t you ask the real Pablo Chacon how it happened?

Brad: I’m not gonna make excuses. It was kind of a dick move. A little bit.

David: A dick move? A dick move!

Brad: Little bit of a dick move.

David: Okay, well, tell you what. I’m not driving another fuckin’ mile, all right? I want some goddamn hazard pay from your ass. Otherwise, I’m gonna turn around and get this smidge of pot back to Chacon, along with your fucking address. Do you understand me?

Brad: It actually sounds like you’re threatening to double-cross me.

David: Fucking right I am!

Brad: And I’m kind of turned on right now. You make a good case for hazard pay. How much you want?

David: How much? Oh, I don’t know, I’m thinking half a million dollars. How about that?

Brad: Done.

David: Fuckin’ right it’s done. Good.

Brad: But I need it here by tonight or the deal is off.

David: Okay. No problem. That’s fine with me.

Brad: Where the hell are you anyway?

David: We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.

Brad: Why?

David Clark: Why? Why?! Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!

Brad: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers? Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock.

Rose: What the fuck? Don't think that you could ever...

David: Whoa, whoa, whoa, family meeting. Let's go. Get in the back, go.

Kenny: I didn't mean to hit her.

David: I don't care.

Casey: He hit me in the fucking face, sir.

David: [In the plane galley] Are you from Mars? No one wants to hear it. What the fuck? Are you kidding me with this shit?!

Casey: Relax, Dorothy. Jesus, we're not at the border yet, who cares what these people think?

David: It's about not drawing attention to ourselves, you little hobo.

Rose: Hey, don't talk to her like that!

David: Rose, relax, okay? The only thing you need to worry right now is making people believe you could actually be someone's mother, okay?

Rose: [They hear a flight attendant coming in so Rose has grabbed all their hands to join in a prayer circle] Are you kidding me? I can do this shit in my sleep. Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.

Flight attendant: That was a good one. That was beautiful. I wish my family was more like that.

Rose: I want $30,000 now!

David: No fucking way.

Rose: Okay, have a safe flight,

David: Wait! Okay, fine, fine. Blood sucker.

Rose: Alright, happy wife, happy life!

David: [[w:The Brady Bunch|The Brady Bunch] ENOUGH! Let’s get something straight right now! You are not my kids, okay? You are not my wife and we are not a family, all right? This is a job. We are not ]. I’m Marky Mark and y’all are The Funky Bunch!

Casey: The what?

David: I’m the boss! Ya hear me? So cut the shit! Otherwise, I will turn this RV around immediately! And we will drive straight home. No drugs for anyone!

Casey: This vacation sucks.

David: You… This is NOT A VACATION!

David: There we go. You fuckin’ happy? Come on.

Natalie the Flight Attendant: Hi, you folks have everything you need?

David: Oh, you betcha! Yeah, we're heading out on a family vacay here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?

Natalie: Well, you have a lovely family.

David: Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this is my son, Kenny Miller, right here. And my lovely daughter...

Casey: Casey?

David: Casey. Casey Miller. That's right. And I'm David Miller. We're the Millers. Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.

Casey: Yeah, I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues like finals and college applications...and am I gonna get asked to prom. Plus, I haven't gotten my period in two months...which is really weird, because I've mostly just been doing anal.

David: Oh, that's enough. Well, thank you for your help, "Natalie".

Kenny: So Casey, I guess it's nice for you to get your hair cut. I mean, you being homeless and all, I guess.

Casey: I'm not homeless, fucktard. I have a home, but I left it because my parents...

David: [[Precious (film)|Precious; Grabs Kenny and Casey; Hands cash to Casey; [Eminem; [8 Mile (film)|8 Mile; Casey flips David off] Oh my God, shut up, shut up, shut up, okay? Please? Alright, I don't need to hear your heart bloodbath story right now, okay? I mean, I rented ] on Netflix, and I still don't watch the fucking thing. Actually, here, you know what? Just to give me a little peace and quiet, go buy yourself some new clothes. You know, the kind of stuff that loved children are wearing. Not this garbage, alright? Thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop. Kenny, you're fine. You already look like a total dipshit. Here, you take it, you're gonna need that. You look like ] from ]. Kenny, go with her. Make sure she doesn't steal the money. And stay the fuck out the Hot Topic.

Stylist: OK, what are we doing today?

David: [[w:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer] Yeah, I say, give me somethin that says, "I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in ] shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.

Middle Aged Man: [Indicating his own haircut] Right here.

David: [Points in the mirror] Yeah, that's it. That's the one.

Todd: [Note: Todd is the owner of the strip club Rose dances in] I want you to start having sex with the customers for money.

Rose: What? That's totally illegal, Todd!

Todd: Come on, what are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street.

Rose: You mean the Apple Store?

Todd: Yeah, and they're killing us.

Kimberly/Boner Garage: [Squeals] Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the costumers for money!

Todd: Boner Garage loves it.

Rose: [Walks up to apartment door and pulls off a posted notice; Looks at mail ad of 1950's woman] I'm outta here, I'm outta here, I quit. Eviction notice. Fuck.

Kenny: So, what has she said?

David: The fuck do you think? She said no.

Kenny: Cool. So it's like, I guess a father-and-son bonding trip to Mexico.

David: Are you kidding me? You and me traveling alone in a van, it's gonna look like pervert Olympics. No way. Absolutely no. We need a girl, and unless you can think of someone that can leave town tomorrow, I'm fucked.

Kenny: I know a girl.

Casey: I don't get it. What's in it for me?

David: Well, I'm thinking, maybe a roof over your head, some hot food, that'd be good, right?

Casey: Ok, but for $1,000.

David: Ok, $1,000. But that's it.

Casey: And if we get caught, I'll say you drugged and kidnapped me. Cool?

David: Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, it's fine, but that's it. Kenny, meet your new sister.

Kenny: [Tightly hugs Casey] This is great. I always want a sister.

Casey: Get it off me, get it off, get off.

Brad: Although you are forgetting one thing.

David: What?

Brad: You don't have a fucking choice.

Kenny: So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?

David: Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference.

Kenny: Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border. I mean, no offense, but you look like a total drug dealer.

David: No shit. Thanks dude.

Kenny: You could wear a disguise.

David: What?

Kenny: A disguise.

David: [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] Okay, that's what I thought you said. So, a disguise. So what I should dress like? I don't know, what's hot this Halloween these days? Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane from Batman, something like that on some of my fucking face. "Oh, there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about." Yeah, good idea.

RV driver: Hey, pardon me. Sure hate to bug you fellows, but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost, so if you could help--

David: Yeah, fuck off, real-life Flanders.

David: Holy fucking shit! Thank you, dickheads!

Brad: So, where's my money, David?

David Clark: Come on, man. We go back.

Brad: Here's the thing: We do go back. But it's not college anymore, okay? We're not just selling lids out of my dorm room. And you owe me $43,000.

David Clark: I told you, I got robbed, Brad. They took everything I had, man. This week's drop, 22 grand of my own money that I'd saved, I'm fucked.

Brad: Listen, this is a fucked up situation, but I might have a win-win for both of us.

David Clark: Great.

Brad: I have a smidge of very choice mari-ju-ana down in Mexico and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular courier is out on a count of the fact that he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in. You could be my mule. I need someone I can trust. You go down to Mexico, bring it back here by Sunday night, not only will I forgive your debt, I will pay you a standard courier fee of $100,000.

David Clark: You're gonna give me 100 grand to move a smidge across the border?

Brad: Smidge and a half. It's nothing.

David Clark: [[Annie (1982 film)|Annie] Dude, I got rolled by the fucking cast of ]. Now I come walking in here you're asking me to become an international drug dealer.

Brad: This is easy money, David. Come on, all you gotta do is pop down to Mexico, go to this address and tell them you're there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.

David Clark: Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?

Brad: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

David: Hey, hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. What's going on here?

Street thug: Mind your own fucking business, old man.

David: Oh my God, you're a dude. I was like, what the hell? I mean, your voice was much deeper than your bone structure.

Casey: [[w:iPhone|iPhone] These assholes are trying to steal my ].

David: Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?

Casey: [Note:Not clear who she says this to] So? Fuck you, dude.

David: Okay, this was fun, carry on.

Kenny: Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it's not fair.

Street thug 2: [Note:The street thug is caucasian] What the fuck are you gonna do about it, white boy? You some type'a hero?

David: No, he's not a hero, he's just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along, huh? What do you say? Move along?

Street thug: What are you, some kind of cop?

Kenny: No, he's not a cop. He's actually really cool. He's a drug dealer.

Street thug: [Holds up a switchblade] Really?

David: Goddamn it, Kenny.

Street thug: Give me your backpack.

David: I don't wanna fight.

Street thug: Oh, there's not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking neck and take it.

David: [[w:Sophie's Choice|ịt's ạ Ṣophịe's Ċhoịċe here; David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with the street thugs in pursuit of him] Whew. So ], huh? Alright, okay, backpack it is you want... Run, Kenny!

Casey: [walking down the street in nonchalant tone] Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still going out tonight or what?

David: [to the street thugs as he swings his backpack around; lands on the dumpster feeling hurt] Sorry, this is fucking dumb.

Kenny: [To David slumped on the apartment floor] Are you okay, David? I can help. I'll call the cops.

David: No, I'm okay.

Kenny: Hey, David.

David: Hi, Kenny.

Kenny: So I heard you and Miss O'Riley fighting.

David: It's called flirting, Kenny. You'll learn about it in college. What the hell you doing up? It's almost 2 a.m. Where's your mom?

Kenny: Uh, she went for a drink with a friend.

David: When?

Kenny: Last week. So I got my whole place to myself. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend. Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering...

David: I don't sell to kids, Kenny.

Kenny: I'm 18, I'm gonna get my own place soon. I'm not a kid, David.

David: Yeah, you are, take care.

David: [David follows Kenny] Goddamn it, Kenny.

Rose: You're not a neighbor, you're a drug dealer…whose apartment smells like cheese and feet?

David: Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. "Cheesy Feet" is what they call it. It's a best-seller.

David: [Firework flies up into the sky and pops] There we go. You fucking happy? Come on.