19 quotes
Clarifying Roles in Drug Trade
Melissa Fitzgerald
You're drug dealers?
Kenny Rossmore
No, we're drug smugglers.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tensions Rise Over Haircuts and Attire
Kenny
So Casey, I guess it's nice for you to get your hair cut. I mean, you being homeless and all, I guess.
Casey
I'm not homeless, fucktard. I have a home, but I left it because my parents...
David
Oh my God, shut up, shut up, shut up, okay? Please? Alright, I don't need to hear your heart bloodbath story right now, okay? I mean, I rented ] on Netflix, and I still don't watch the fucking thing. Actually, here, you know what? Just to give me a little peace and quiet, go buy yourself some new clothes. You know, the kind of stuff that loved children are wearing. Not this garbage, alright? Thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop. Kenny, you're fine. You already look like a total dipshit. Here, you take it, you're gonna need that. You look like ] from ]. Kenny, go with her. Make sure she doesn't steal the money. And stay the fuck out the Hot Topic.
[[Precious (film)|Precious; Grabs Kenny and Casey; Hands cash to Casey; [Eminem; [8 Mile (film)|8 Mile; Casey flips David off]
Stylist
OK, what are we doing today?
David
Yeah, I say, give me somethin that says, "I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in ] shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.
[[w:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]
Middle Aged Man
Right here.
[Indicating his own haircut]
David
Yeah, that's it. That's the one.
[Points in the mirror]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounters in a Tense Situation
David
Hey, hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. What's going on here?
Street thug
Mind your own fucking business, old man.
David
Oh my God, you're a dude. I was like, what the hell? I mean, your voice was much deeper than your bone structure.
Casey
These assholes are trying to steal my ].
[[w:iPhone|iPhone]
David
Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?
Casey
So? Fuck you, dude.
[Note:Not clear who she says this to]
David
Okay, this was fun, carry on.
Kenny
Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it's not fair.
Street thug 2
What the fuck are you gonna do about it, white boy? You some type'a hero?
[Note:The street thug is caucasian]
David
No, he's not a hero, he's just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along, huh? What do you say? Move along?
Street thug
What are you, some kind of cop?
Kenny
No, he's not a cop. He's actually really cool. He's a drug dealer.
Street thug
Really?
[Holds up a switchblade]
David
Goddamn it, Kenny.
Street thug
Give me your backpack.
David
I don't wanna fight.
Street thug
Oh, there's not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking neck and take it.
David
Whew. So ], huh? Alright, okay, backpack it is you want... Run, Kenny!
[[w:Sophie's Choice|ịt's ạ Ṣophịe's Ċhoịċe here; David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with the street thugs in pursuit of him]
Casey
Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still going out tonight or what?
[walking down the street in nonchalant tone]
David
Sorry, this is fucking dumb.
[to the street thugs as he swings his backpack around; lands on the dumpster feeling hurt]
Kenny
Are you okay, David? I can help. I'll call the cops.
[To David slumped on the apartment floor]
David
No, I'm okay.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Choices in Unexpected Situations
Brad
Although you are forgetting one thing.
David
What?
Brad
You don't have a fucking choice.
Kenny
So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
David
Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference.
Kenny
Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border. I mean, no offense, but you look like a total drug dealer.
David
No shit. Thanks dude.
Kenny
You could wear a disguise.
David
What?
Kenny
A disguise.
David
Okay, that's what I thought you said. So, a disguise. So what I should dress like? I don't know, what's hot this Halloween these days? Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane from Batman, something like that on some of my fucking face. "Oh, there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about." Yeah, good idea.
[Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth]
RV driver
Hey, pardon me. Sure hate to bug you fellows, but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost, so if you could help--
David
Yeah, fuck off, real-life Flanders.
David
Holy fucking shit! Thank you, dickheads!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected conversation sparks confusion among friends
Rose
Wait a second. Hold on, come here. I'd like to have a little chat with your friend.
Casey
Are you kidding me?
[visibly annoyed]
Rose
I am not kidding you. Would you please have a seat?
Casey
What is going on?
Rose
So, Scottie P., what exactly do you for a living?
Casey
Oh, Mom!
Scottie P.
I work for P&J Amusements. I maintain the monkey maze, if you know what I'm saying.
David
What the hell is a monkey maze?
Scottie P.
Oh, it's like a terrifying death trap, but for little kids.
David
Hey, those are cool ], man.
[[w:tatoo|tats]
Scottie P.
Oh, for real. Thank you, bro. You see the cobra?
David
What's this? The one right there?
Scottie P.
Oh, this?
David
Uh-huh.
Scottie P.
That's my credo. "No ragrets.
[Pulls down shirt collar to reveal "NO RAGRETS"]
David
Mm-hm. How about that. You have no regrets?
Casey
Dad...
[Casey flips off both David and Rose behind Scottie P.'s back with both hands]
Scottie P.
No. Not one.
David
Like, not even a single letter?
Scottie P.
No way... uh huh, at least, not me.
[laughs]
Casey
Dad... I love him.
David
I think he's great. I think he's real winner, Casey. If I were you, I wouldn't use protection, have fun. Scottie P., you're the man.
[High fives him]
Scottie P.
Yeah? For real. Nice meeting you, man. Alright, you too.
[Casey gets on Scottie P.'s motorcycle and he speeds off, narrowly missing people on the campsite]
David
Come on, she's gonna be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet. Actually, she might already be pregnant.
[To Rose]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father-Son Trip Plans Complicated by Lack of Girls
Kenny
So, what has she said?
David
The fuck do you think? She said no.
Kenny
Cool. So it's like, I guess a father-and-son bonding trip to Mexico.
David
Are you kidding me? You and me traveling alone in a van, it's gonna look like pervert Olympics. No way. Absolutely no. We need a girl, and unless you can think of someone that can leave town tomorrow, I'm fucked.
Kenny
I know a girl.
Casey
I don't get it. What's in it for me?
David
Well, I'm thinking, maybe a roof over your head, some hot food, that'd be good, right?
Casey
Ok, but for $1,000.
David
Ok, $1,000. But that's it.
Casey
And if we get caught, I'll say you drugged and kidnapped me. Cool?
David
Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, it's fine, but that's it. Kenny, meet your new sister.
Kenny
This is great. I always want a sister.
[Tightly hugs Casey]
Casey
Get it off me, get it off, get off.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Illegal Business Ideas in a Competitive Market
Todd
I want you to start having sex with the customers for money.
[Note: Todd is the owner of the strip club Rose dances in]
Rose
What? That's totally illegal, Todd!
Todd
Come on, what are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street.
Rose
You mean the Apple Store?
Todd
Yeah, and they're killing us.
Kimberly/Boner Garage
Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the costumers for money!
[Squeals]
Todd
Boner Garage loves it.
Rose
I'm outta here, I'm outta here, I quit. Eviction notice. Fuck.
[Walks up to apartment door and pulls off a posted notice; Looks at mail ad of 1950's woman]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Conflict in a High-Stress Situation
Rose
What the fuck? Don't think that you could ever...
David
Whoa, whoa, whoa, family meeting. Let's go. Get in the back, go.
Kenny
I didn't mean to hit her.
David
I don't care.
Casey
He hit me in the fucking face, sir.
David
Are you from Mars? No one wants to hear it. What the fuck? Are you kidding me with this shit?!
[In the plane galley]
Casey
Relax, Dorothy. Jesus, we're not at the border yet, who cares what these people think?
David
It's about not drawing attention to ourselves, you little hobo.
Rose
Hey, don't talk to her like that!
David
Rose, relax, okay? The only thing you need to worry right now is making people believe you could actually be someone's mother, okay?
Rose
Are you kidding me? I can do this shit in my sleep. Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.
[They hear a flight attendant coming in so Rose has grabbed all their hands to join in a prayer circle]
Flight attendant
That was a good one. That was beautiful. I wish my family was more like that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Vacay Conversations with Flight Attendant
Natalie the Flight Attendant
Hi, you folks have everything you need?
David
Oh, you betcha! Yeah, we're heading out on a family vacay here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?
Natalie
Well, you have a lovely family.
David
Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this is my son, Kenny Miller, right here. And my lovely daughter...
Casey
Casey?
David
Casey. Casey Miller. That's right. And I'm David Miller. We're the Millers. Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.
Casey
Yeah, I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues like finals and college applications...and am I gonna get asked to prom. Plus, I haven't gotten my period in two months...which is really weird, because I've mostly just been doing anal.
David
Oh, that's enough. Well, thank you for your help, "Natalie".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Negotiation over Money in Tense Moment
Rose
I want $30,000 now!
David
No fucking way.
Rose
Okay, have a safe flight,
David
Wait! Okay, fine, fine. Blood sucker.
Rose
Alright, happy wife, happy life!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Among Friends
David Clark
Oh, hello, Brad. Where the fuck have you been? I left you like 5 messages, man!
[on the phone, to Brad]
Brad
David! You’re alive! Cool! How did that happen?
David
Why don’t you ask the real Pablo Chacon how it happened?
Brad
I’m not gonna make excuses. It was kind of a dick move. A little bit.
David
A dick move? A dick move!
Brad
Little bit of a dick move.
David
Okay, well, tell you what. I’m not driving another fuckin’ mile, all right? I want some goddamn hazard pay from your ass. Otherwise, I’m gonna turn around and get this smidge of pot back to Chacon, along with your fucking address. Do you understand me?
Brad
It actually sounds like you’re threatening to double-cross me.
David
Fucking right I am!
Brad
And I’m kind of turned on right now. You make a good case for hazard pay. How much you want?
David
How much? Oh, I don’t know, I’m thinking half a million dollars. How about that?
Brad
Done.
David
Fuckin’ right it’s done. Good.
Brad
But I need it here by tonight or the deal is off.
David
Okay. No problem. That’s fine with me.
Brad
Where the hell are you anyway?
David
We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.
Brad
Why?
David Clark
Why? Why?! Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!
Brad
That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers? Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Casual Conversation Between Friends
Scottie P.
What's up, dog?
David
Not much, dog, what's up with you?
Scottie P.
I'm here to pick up Casey. You know what I'm sayin'?
David
Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unusual Candle Scent Sparks Humorous Exchange
Rose
You're not a neighbor, you're a drug dealer…whose apartment smells like cheese and feet?
David
Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. "Cheesy Feet" is what they call it. It's a best-seller.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debt and Betrayal in a Changed Relationship
Brad
So, where's my money, David?
David Clark
Come on, man. We go back.
Brad
Here's the thing: We do go back. But it's not college anymore, okay? We're not just selling lids out of my dorm room. And you owe me $43,000.
David Clark
I told you, I got robbed, Brad. They took everything I had, man. This week's drop, 22 grand of my own money that I'd saved, I'm fucked.
Brad
Listen, this is a fucked up situation, but I might have a win-win for both of us.
David Clark
Great.
Brad
I have a smidge of very choice mari-ju-ana down in Mexico and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular courier is out on a count of the fact that he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in. You could be my mule. I need someone I can trust. You go down to Mexico, bring it back here by Sunday night, not only will I forgive your debt, I will pay you a standard courier fee of $100,000.
David Clark
You're gonna give me 100 grand to move a smidge across the border?
Brad
Smidge and a half. It's nothing.
David Clark
Dude, I got rolled by the fucking cast of ]. Now I come walking in here you're asking me to become an international drug dealer.
[[Annie (1982 film)|Annie]
Brad
This is easy money, David. Come on, all you gotta do is pop down to Mexico, go to this address and tell them you're there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.
David Clark
Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
Brad
I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Flirting Misunderstood Between Friends
Kenny
Hey, David.
David
Hi, Kenny.
Kenny
So I heard you and Miss O'Riley fighting.
David
It's called flirting, Kenny. You'll learn about it in college. What the hell you doing up? It's almost 2 a.m. Where's your mom?
Kenny
Uh, she went for a drink with a friend.
David
When?
Kenny
Last week. So I got my whole place to myself. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend. Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering...
David
I don't sell to kids, Kenny.
Kenny
I'm 18, I'm gonna get my own place soon. I'm not a kid, David.
David
Yeah, you are, take care.
David
Goddamn it, Kenny.
[David follows Kenny]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Communication and Humor in Crisis Situations
Rose
We didn't know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn't have called?
David
Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there. "hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a fucking smile, #YOLO".
Casey
Whoa, was that so hard to say. Thank you, appreciate that.
David
Unbelievable, she learned a new word, Rose. Thank God.
Casey
I'm sorry," he will be great.
David
Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my God, you look so much better.
Rose
Yeah, doesn't he look better?
David
Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Let's go, come on.
Kenny
Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow.
Rose
Are you okay?
Kenny
I think so.
Rose
David, look what's happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person.
David
What are you talking about? He's fine, come on. Come on, Ken doll, hop hop, buddy. Here we go, here we go.
Rose
What the hell is wrong with you?
David
What's wrong with me? Look, this job has a deadline and in four fucking hours, alright? And if you're thinking I'm gonna lose half a million dollars pay day because of one of Kenny's boo-boos, then you're out of your Goddamned mind!
[Rose and Casey's eyes widen]
Rose
Whoa, wait a second. You're making half a million dollars on this deal?
David
Uh...roughly.
Rose
I cannot believe you!
David
Rose, listen to me, I can explain it.
Rose
You are making $500,000 and you were only gonna pay me 30?!
Casey
You're getting 30 grand?! I'm getting a thousand!
Kenny
Wait, you guys are gettin paid?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Expressing Frustration and Sarcasm
David
There we go. You fucking happy? Come on.
[Firework flies up into the sky and pops]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Confrontation Over Personal Boundaries
Rose
Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest.
[Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting]
Rose
You know what I'm sayin'?
Scottie P.
Oh, really, bitch?
Rose
Yeah, bitch.
Kenny
You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man.
Scottie P.
What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows?
Kenny
One... two...
[Rose punches Scottie P. in the face]
Scottie P.
OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha I'm sayin'?
[He runs away with a bloody nose]
Rose
Are you okay?
[to Casey]
Casey
I'm fine. That was awesome, you just fuckin decked him!
Rose
Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch em on "one".
Kenny
Well, David told me to count...
Rose
David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever. I think the exit is this way.
David
I have returned.
Casey
Go fuck yourself.
David
This is what I miss, right? The ping pong action. ]. Casey says, "Go fuck yourself," then you go fuck yourself, and then Rose, you say, "you go fuck yourself," then Kenny's like, "I don't wanna fuck anybody.
[[w:Wit|The repartée]
Rose
We're not getting in the RV.
David
What? Okay, okay. I know what this is about, and I get it. We're gonna split the $500,000 evenly, betwixt the four of us. You guys get what I'm saying here? Kenny, you wanna be like this. That's a lot of video games, kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what I mean? Like, whatever. You get $125,000, You get $125,000, you get a... you know, I'm like fuckin Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay, look, what do you want? You want me to beg? Kids, what do you think?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Establishing Boundaries in a Fake Family
David
ENOUGH! Let’s get something straight right now! You are not my kids, okay? You are not my wife and we are not a family, all right? This is a job. We are not ]. I’m Marky Mark and y’all are The Funky Bunch!
[[w:The Brady Bunch|The Brady Bunch]
Casey
The what?
David
I’m the boss! Ya hear me? So cut the shit! Otherwise, I will turn this RV around immediately! And we will drive straight home. No drugs for anyone!
Casey
This vacation sucks.
David
You… This is NOT A VACATION!
David
There we go. You fuckin’ happy? Come on.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.