Wet Hot American Summer Quotes

Beth Hey you, penny for your thoughts.

Henry Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.

Beth Don't tell me, Oh don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!

Henry No... Well, yes, but that's not the point.

Susie OK, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys! God, am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it! Take a break! Think about what you've done.

J.J. He gets so uncomfortable whenever we talk openly about sexual issues. You know he's never been with a girl before.

Gary McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate". And I think you know what I'm talking about.

J.J. You mean, penis-in-vagina?

Gary No, dickhead. Sex.

Henry Oh, fuck my cock!

Susie You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place.

Coop Me, too.

Ben Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.

Lindsay Yeah!

Ben What time do you wanna meet?

J.J. You mean ten years from now?

Ben Yeah.

Coop Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.

Susie Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?

Coop Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.

McKinley Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30? I mean, we're all gonna be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.

Gary Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?

Together Agreed.

McKinley Great, cause I have something at 11:00.

Gary You've just got like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?

McKinley No, I just, I have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.

Gene Now finish up them taters, I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

Gary Come on - what?

Gene Finish up the taters.

Gary And then what did you say?

Gene And then what did I say?

Gary You said you were going to... fondle your sweaters.

Gene Ah, uh - no I didn't. I said fondue with cheddar, I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.

Gary No Gene, that is not what you said.

Gene That is what I said. Fondue with cheddar.

Susie Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.

Andy You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.

Coop I want you inside me!

Lindsay Hey, what'cha writin on?

Andy My gurnal. I write my thoughts in it every day.

Lindsay Oh, you mean a journal?

Andy Yeah, whatever. Guess I'm not all smart like you.

Mallrat Girl There's got to be another way.

Melvin Maybe we should just let them all die.

Mork Guy No! My friend Jimmy's in there!

Cure Girl You have a friend?

Mork Guy I'm kidding.

Coop I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?

Gail I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week!

Beth Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, because I'm allergic to oxymorons!

Beth Well, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.

McKinley Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.

Arty OK.

McKinley Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble.

Arty Sure.

McKinley You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.

Arty I will.

McKinley You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.

Coop As everybody knows, this week is the big culminating, climactic game against evil Camp Tigerclaw. We have put together an unlikely team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer. Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think would never be able to win a single game. We had a kooky training period where it seemed like... well, it seemed like NOTHING was gonna go right. But, guys, somehow we made it to the finals. So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from Camp Tigerclaw get here, we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute with some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game. What do you say, team?

Taglines High Times. Hard Bodies. Soft Rock.

Can of Mixed Vegetables If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.

Andy You French great.

Lindsay You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man.

Coop Wait, Katie! When we first started hanging out together this morning, we were just friends, but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. And, I ju-I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So, I'm coming to you, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man, a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her, and yes-have sex with her, but no seriously Katie, I-I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I-I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual, all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you.

Caped Boy Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard I am recently a crowned class B dungeon-master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone? Alexa! Maybe you would like to join in? We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast a level 5 charm spell on me.

Alexa In your dreams, douche-bag!

Caped Boy Douche-bags are hygienic products, I take that as a compliment. Thank you.

Alexa Ewww!

Katie Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you. But you're really nice, I mean everybody thinks so. And, I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us. I still totally wanna be friends. You better write me a letter, okay?

Taglines It was the last day of summer camp. It was the first day of the third week in August.

Susie Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...

Ben Hmph!

Susie ...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my balls, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living hell! All right; I'll put him on last.

Beth Good.

Susie Oh, she always wins!

Katie Well, I just wanna spend some time with you, you know? It's our last day at camp.

Andy My butt itches.

Katie What are you talking about? Hey, we're soulmates, right?

Andy What? Yeah, whatever, if you want... J.J., save me a waffle man!

Gene ...I've seen more fucked up shit out there in five minutes than you've seen in your whole life.

Gary Well, I'm sorry Gene, and if I could change history I would, but-

Gene Fuck you! Now we need fifteen gallons of bug juice by snack time, do you know where the powder packets are?

Gary Yeah.

Gene In the pantry above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream, Wait... Forget that last comment.

Gary Did you say dick cream?

Gene No! I said ... stick... team, you know stick team! Stickball! Go away! Leave me alone!

Beth McKinley, four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?