31 quotes
Request for a euphemism explanation
George
Martha, will you show her where we keep the, uh, euphemism?
[Honey abruptly stands, looking ill.]
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The Transformation of the Violet-Eyed Venus
Taglines
The Violet-Eyed Venus Becomes a Boozing, Tired, Greying "Virago
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End of the Dance
George
All right! The dancing's over!
Honey
Violence! Violence! Oo-hoo!
[applauding]
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Choosing Drinks Among Friends
Martha
Fix the kids a drink, George. What would you like to drink, kid– kid.
Nick
Honey? what would you like?
Honey
Ohhhh, I don't know, dear, a little brandy maybe. "Never mix, never worry!
George
Brandy? Just brandy? Simple, simple…
George
What about you, em… em… em…
Nick
Bourbon on the rocks, if you don't mind.
George
Mind? I don't mind. I don't think I mind. Martha? Rubbing alcohol for you?
Martha
Sure! "Never mix, never worry!
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Tension and Frustration in Late-Night Conversations
George
All I said was that our son, the apple of our three eyes — Martha being a cyclops — our son is a beanbag, and you get testy!
Nick
I'm sorry, it's late! I'm tired. I've been drinking since nine o'clock, my wife is vomiting… there's been a lot of screaming going on around here!
George
So you get testy, naturally! Don't worry about it! Anybody who comes here ends up getting testy; it's expected! Don't be upset!
Nick
I'm not upset.
George
You're testy.
Nick
Yes.
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The Nature of Humor in Relationships
Martha
I bust a gut! George didn't think it was funny at all.
[laughs uproariously, then settles]
George
Martha thinks that unless you, as she demurely puts it, "bust a gut", you're not amused, you know. Unless you're… carrying on like a hyena, you're not having any fun.
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A Dispute Over a Famous Phrase
Martha
What a dump. Hey, w-what's that from? "What a dump!
[pauses]
George
How would I know?
Martha
Oh, come on, what's it from? You know!
George
Martha…
Martha
What's it from, for chrissake?!
George
What's what from?
Martha
I just told you. I just did it. "What a dump!" Huh? What's that from?
George
I haven't the faintest idea.
Martha
Dumbbell.
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Jealousy and Impressed Reactions in Conversation
George
I'm very impressed.
Martha
You're damn right!
George
I said I was impressed. I'm beside myself with jealousy. What do you want me to do, throw up?
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Bunny Honey's Playful Exchange with Friends
Nick
Here we are.
Honey
Hip, hop! Hip, hop! Hip, hop! Hip, hop!
Nick
Are you a bunny, Honey?
Honey
Bunny Honey!
[giggles]
George
Well, now, how's the bunny?
Honey
Bunny funny!
[giggles]
George
Bunny funny. Good for bunny!
Martha
Come on, George!
George
Honey, funny bunny.
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Art and Relationships in Conversation
Nick
Ah, who, ah… who did the painting?
Martha
That? Oh, that's by…
George
… some Greek with a moustache Martha attacked one night in a, in a…
[laughs stiffly]
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The Joy of Dancing Together
Honey
I want some! I want some dancing!
[drunkenly]
Martha
That's not such a bad idea.
Honey
I love dancing, don't you.
Martha
With the right man.
Honey
I dance like the wind.
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A Humorous Take on Age and Weight
George
Martha is 108… years old. She weighs somewhat more than that.
[talking to Nick about weight and fitness]
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The Intersection of Civilization and Disillusionment
George
Take the trouble to construct a civilization, to build a society based on the principles of, uh… of principle.
Nick
Honey!
George
You make government and art and realize that they are, must be, both the same. You bring things to the saddest of all points, to the point where there is something to lose. Then, all at once, through all the music, through all the sensible sounds of men building, attempting, comes the Dies Irae. And what is it? What does the trumpet sound? "Up yours".
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Drinking and Banter Between Martha and George
Martha
Oh-ho, you pig.
George
Oink, oink.
Martha
Fix me another drink… lover.
George
My God, you can swill it down, can't you?
Martha
Well, I'm thirsty.
George
Oh, Jesus.
Martha
Look, sweetheart, I can drink you under any goddamn table you want, so don't worry about me.
George
I gave you the prize years ago, Martha. There isn't an abomination award going that you haven't won.
Martha
I swear to God George, if you even existed I'd divorce you.
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Conflict and Self-Identity in Relationships
George
You're a monster. You are.
Martha
I'm loud, and I'm vulgar, and I wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to… but I am not a monster! I'm NOT!
George
You're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden…
Martha
It went SNAP! I-I-I'm not gonna try to get through to you anymore. There was a second back there — yeah, there was a second, just a second — when I could have gotten through to you, when maybe we could have cut through all this, this CRAP! But it's past, and I'm not gonna try.
[Crap!]
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Animal Noises in a Forest Setting
Martha
Hey!
George
Hark! Forest sounds.
Nick
Hmm?
George
Animal noises.
Martha
Heyyyy!
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Martha's Influence on Relationships and Perceptions
Nick
We'll go in a little while.
[to Honey]
George
Oh no! No, you mustn't! Martha is changing, and Martha is not changing for me! Martha hasn't changed for me in years! If Martha is changing, that means we're going to be here for days. You're being accorded an honor. You mustn't forget that Martha is the daughter of our beloved boss. She is his right… arm, heh heh. I was going to use another word, but we'll leave that sort of talk to Martha.
Martha
What sort of talk?
Nick
Well, now.
George
Why, Martha! Your Sunday chapel dress!
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Confrontation and Threat in a Turbulent Relationship
Martha
I looked at you tonight and you weren't there! Finally snapped! And– and I'm gonna howl it out! And I'm not gonna give a damn what I do, and I'm gonna make the biggest goddamn explosion you've ever heard!
George
You try and I'll beat you at your own game.
Martha
Is that a threat, George, huh?
George
That's a threat, Martha.
Martha
You're gonna get it, baby.
George
Be careful, Martha. I'll rip you to pieces.
Martha
You're not man enough. You haven't the guts!
George
Total war?
Martha
Total!
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Responsibility and Blame in Relationships
Martha
Well, aren't you going to apologize?
George
Wasn't my fault — the road should've been straight.
Martha
Not that! For making her throw up.
George
I did not make her throw up.
Martha
You most certainly did.
George
I did not.
Honey
No, now, no…
[still drunk]
Martha
Well, who do you think did? Sexy, back there? You think he made his own wife sick?
George
Well, you make me sick.
Martha
That's different.
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Buried in Cement: A Reflection on Silence
George
Martha, in my mind, you are buried in cement right up to the neck. No, up to the nose — it's much quieter.
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Perceptions of Humor in Relationships
Martha
Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf / Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf / Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf…
[To "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf"]
Martha
What's the matter? Didn't ya think that was funny? I thought it was a scream.
Martha
You laughed your head off when you heard it at the party.
George
I smiled. I didn't laugh my head off.
Martha
You laughed your goddamn head off.
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The Struggle Between Truth and Illusion
Martha
Truth and illusion, George; you don't know the difference.
George
No, but we must carry on as though we did.
Martha
Amen.
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The Impact of Cruel Words
Nick
That was cruel and vicious…
George
Hmm, she'll get over it.
Nick
… and damaging…
George
She'll recover.
Nick
… damaging to me!
George
To you?
Nick
To me!
George
To you?
Nick
YES!
George
Oh-ho-ho-ho, beautiful! My god, you gotta have a swine to show you where the truffles are!
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The Challenges of Marriage and Opportunity
George
Let me tell you a secret, baby — there are easier things in this world, if you, uh… happen to be teaching at a university, there are easier things than being married to the daughter of the president of that university. There are easier things in this world.
Martha
It should be an extraordinary opportunity. For some men, it would be the chance of a lifetime.
George
There are, believe me, easier things in this world.
Martha
Some men would give their right arm for the chance!
George
Alas, Martha, in reality, it works out that the sacrifice is of a somewhat more private portion of the anatomy.
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Martha's Frustration with George's Stagnation
Martha
George is bogged down in the history department. He's an old bog in the history department. That's what George is. A bog. A fen. A GD swamp!
[chuckles]
Martha
A swamp! Hey, swamp! Hey swampy!
[to George]
George
Yes, Martha? Can I get you something?
Martha
Ah… well, sure! You can, um, light my cigarette, if you're of a mind to.
George
No. There are limits. I mean, a man can put up with only so much without he descends a rung or two on the, uh, old evolutionary ladder, which is up your line. Now, I will, uh, hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman, and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see, but I will not light your cigarette. And that, as they say, is that.
[Nick's]
Martha
Jesus!
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Familiar Dance Among Friends and Tension
Honey
They're dancing like they danced before.
George
It's a familiar dance, Monkey Nipples. They both know it.
Honey
I don't know what you mean.
[drunkenly]
Martha
I like the way you move.
[sighs]
Nick
I like the way you move, too.
George
They like the way they move.
[to Honey]
Honey
That's nice.
[drunkenly]
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Invitation to an Evening of Fun
Taglines
You are cordially invited to George and Martha's for an evening of fun and games.
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Motivations Behind Choosing a Teaching Career
George
What made you decide to be a teacher?
Nick
Well, the same things that motivated you, I imagine.
George
Oh? What were they?
Nick
Pardon?
George
I said, what were they? What were the things that motivated me?
Nick
Well, I'm sure I don't know.
George
You just finished saying that the things that motivated you were the same things that motivated me.
Nick
I said I imagined they were.
George
Oh, did you?
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Conflict in Communication between Martha and George
Martha
You make me puke!
George
wasn't a very nice thing to say, Martha.
[That]
Martha
That wasn't what?!
George
A very nice thing to say.
Martha
Oh, I like your anger. I think that's what I like about you most. Your anger.
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Perceptions of Success and Personal Discontent
Nick
To you, everybody's a flop! Your husband's a flop, I'm a flop…
Martha
You're all flops. I am the Earth Mother, and you are all flops.
Martha
I disgust me. You know, there's only been one man in my whole life who's ever made me happy. You know that? One.
Nick
What, the gym instructor or something?
Martha
No, no, no, no. George. My husband?
[pause]
Nick
You're kidding.
Martha
Am I?
Nick
You must be! Him?
Martha
Yep.
Nick
George, sure!
Martha
You don't believe it.
Nick
Well, of course I do!
Martha
You always deal in appearances?
Nick
Oh, for God's sake.
Martha
George, who is out somewhere there in the dark. Who is good to me. Whom I revile. Who can keep learning the games we play as quickly as I can change them. Who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy. Yes, I do wish to be happy. George and Martha — sad, sad, sad.
Nick
Sad.
Martha
Whom I will not forgive for having come to rest, for having seen me and having said, "Yes, this will do". Who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving… me. And must be punished for it. George and Martha — sad, sad, sad.
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The Pursuit of Excellence
George
Good. Better. Best. Bested.
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