Willy's Wonderland Quotes

Sheriff Eloise Lund Oh. Stupid idiots. It’ll just incite him more. Willy, this guy does not act for us. His actions should in no way reflect on the town of Hayesville. You know that, right, Willy? Well, cuff him. For God’s sakes, cuff him.

Sheriff Eloise Lund I’ll give you two reasons why you are: your wife and your kid. If we don’t do what needs to be done, nobody in this county is safe. Why couldn’t you just die? Where are the others?

Liv Hawthorne Then what are you? You’re complicit. You’re just another cult member recruited by the sheriff to do all of her dirty work.

Jed Love Yeah, I tell everybody that attempts the 50, there ain’t shit out here, but you gotta be prepared for anything. A bunch of fun-loving kids stole the zigzag out of the back of the sheriff’s pickup a month ago. Guess you found it for ’em. You know what some folks consider funny? Just ruin a man’s whole damn day. God’s honest truth. Now, where’d you say you’re from? Oh, you’re one of those guys that don’t wanna look back, huh? You’re one where the past lives in the past, huh? Yeah, I understand. No, I can’t blame you. I mean, we all got so much baggage. I just say, move forward. You’re a rolling stone. Yup. We had a car chase around here a while back. Some boy got up to 150 miles an hour, just launched it right off Tension’s Peak, man. It’s like a superhero. It went fwoom! Carnage was terrible. It was just… wow.

Liv I know the bullshit story they told you. That if you clean up the place tonight, they’ll pay to have your tires fixed by morning, right? It’s a lie. They’ve said the same story to countless other over the last 20 years. They baited you. You’re here to be a human sacrifice. You’re here to be eaten and killed. Do you understand that? This town has a dark history. And it all starts with this horrible place. You know, Willy’s may seem like a happy-go-lucky child’s play place, but it’s much, much more than that. Willy’s was built in 1996, the brainchild of Jerry Robert Willis. If that name sounds familiar to you, it should. Jerry was one of the last century’s most sick and sadistic serial killers. Jerry spent most of the time cultivating similar sickos. I mean, these were the most depraved people you could ever imagine. Often, Jerry and his crew would whisk away unsuspecting families to the Super Happy Fun Room. Once inside, the families would be treated to a birthday cake and a private show by Willy Weasel. The shows would always end the same way. After numerous missing persons reports and suspicious smells coming from the inside of Willy’s, the law felt it was time to investigate. Jerry and his gang refused to be taken alive. After the police finally entered the Super Happy Fun Room, they discovered that Jerry and his crew had performed a satanic suicide ritual. Instead of surrendering, the killers decided to take their own lives. Those familiar with satanic rituals speculate that the suicide ritual was some sort of a ] transfer of energy where the memory and consciousness of the living relocate into non-living entities. In this case, the animatronic robots. Ten years later, Willy’s reopens with a new owner, Tex Macadoo. He tries to keep the current public unaware of its horrific past. Things are wrong from the start. There’s reports that the creatures would move on their own. Some would say things they weren’t programmed to say.

Chris We go in, fast, we split up, and as soon as we find Liv and this janitor dude, we’re out.

Aaron Hmm.

Chris What, Aaron?

Aaron We just don’t need any more ] bullshit, all right?

Chris Okay. Thank you. Yeah, I know. It’s only going to make it less safe for everyone else.

Dan You mean kinda like Liv just did?

Chris Excuse me?

Aaron Say what you gotta say.

Bob Speak up. Now’s the time, Dan. You ain’t gonna say it?

Chris Do you guys have something in mind?

Bob Hell, yeah, we do. Everything you telling us not to do, that’s exactly what your dream girl got us up here doing. And now we probably all getting fucked up because of it.

Kathy Bobby.

Bob What? Am I lying? No, I’m not. It’s the truth.

Chris Fine. I’ll just go myself.

Bob Oh, whatever, Chris. When are you getting it through your thick-ass skull, huh? Kissing that ass ain’t gonna get you that ass, playboy. It’ll more than likely get you killed, and ain’t nobody, except for you, baby, worth none of this bullshit you got us up here doing. So you know what? I’m out this bitch. Baby, let’s go.

Aaron No, Chris! Chris!

Bob Oh, shit!

Kathy Bobby!

Bob God damn!

Chris Everybody okay?

Aaron Yeah.

Chris Nice of you guys to join us.

Liv Wait, what are you guys doing here?

Chris Oh, my God. Liv, you’re alive.

Liv I thought we all agreed you were supposed to stay outside and help us find a way out.

Chris Yeah, uh…

Liv Now, how the hell are we supposed to get out of here?

Chris I tried to keep ’em on the roof, but they wouldn’t listen.

Bob It’s your fault we were on the roof.

Chris It’s my fault?

Bob It was your fault.

Willy Weasel We’re all friends. We like to play.

Liv Guys, guys, it’s happening. It’s happening now. Oh, that’s the nasty bitch that tried to kill me.

Chris Liv.

Willy Weasel Play, play, play every night and day.

Liv Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Chris Hey, what the hell, man?

Liv What are you… dude!

Willy Weasel We’re all Friends. We like to sing.

Chris Put her down, okay?

Liv I’m trying to help you, you dumbass! Seriously? I’m trying to help him understand that he’s gonna die in here, but he won’t listen to me.

Willy Weasel Sing, sing, sing. It’s a wonderful thing!

Aaron Wait a second. Wasn’t there eight of them?

Willy Weasel We’re all friends. We like to run.

Aaron Oh, that’s badass.

Liv Hawthorne Thank God you’re still alive. We gotta get you outta here. I stopped that bitch, but that won’t keep her away for long, so… Hey! Did you not hear what I just said? Hey!

Deputy Olson Sheriff, if I may, why’d you request the state to send backup for one night to curfew a place the size of a postage stamp? Oh, don’t get me wrong. I got a wife and kid on the way and I do love the overtime pay.

Sheriff Lund Double overtime.

Deputy Olson Right. So what’s the plan the rest of the evening?

Sheriff Lund See that phone?

Deputy Olson Yeah.

Sheriff Lund We’re gonna sit here and pray it don’t ring.

Deputy Olson Copy that.

Willy Weasel Hey, kids! You know what time it is? It's birthday time! It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. Okay now, kids. Clap your hands like there's no tomorrow. We welcome you to Willy's, where everyone's your friend.

Judy Carl!

Willy Weasel It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. Okay now, kids. Clap your hands like there's no tomorrow. We welcome you to Willy's, where everyone's your friend.

Jed Love Hey, it’s gonna be about $250 for the tow, and we’ll need all four tires replaced. And there was something wrong with that chip, I think. But I can fix it for about $1,000. Yep. No, cash only. Uh-uh, no. And in advance. Yeah, I don’t take no plastic credit cards. Oh, that over there. Yeah, we ain’t got no internet in Hayesville. Yeah, so all the ATMs, they just don’t work. Yeah, we were gonna get it, but they just didn’t. You ain’t got the cash, huh? Now, ain’t that a dilly of a pickle? Hmm. You willing to work it off? Okay, then. I think I’ve got somebody who can accommodate.

Liv Hawthorne What’s worse, the dead body you saw, or the guy that you left to die? Are you ready to be a murderer? Because that’s exactly what you’re gonna be. You’re gonna be a cold-blooded…

Liv Hawthorne Guys, guys, it’s happening. It’s happening now. Oh, that’s the nasty bitch that tried to kill me.

Willy Weasel And remember, friends, the party never ends! At Willy's Wonderland!

Liv Hawthorne You don’t know what it’s like living with her. My entire life, it’s like I’ve been a ghost. And no matter what I do, it doesn’t change who she is. So I thought maybe I could do something right and burn this fucking place down. So I am doing something. What about you? Hmm? You just gonna sit there and watch all of this happen and not do anything about it?

Liv Hawthorne This town has a dark history and it all starts with this horrible place.

Liv Hawthorne You don’t understand. You’ve locked the wrong guy up in here. ].

Sheriff Eloise Lund That G.D. S.O.B. Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. Hold it right there, boy. Inside, now! Move! We had a good thing, but you just went and fucked it all up. Look at me. Look at me when I’m talking to you. All you had to do was die. Was that so hard? No, you just had to go ahead and stay alive, and now we got five dead kids because of you! You might have taken apart a few electronics, but I got a feeling that you can’t stop a round. Willy! Willy needs to eat, and I’m gonna feed him. Willy, come and get it!

Willy Weasel Look at all these naughty birthday boys and birthday girls. I think it’s time for them to go nightie night. It’s your birthday and we want you to have fun. It’s your birthday, so let’s kill everyone...

Ozzie Ostrich I'm gonna feast on your face!

Chris Liv, you in there?

Liv Oh, shit. Yeah, I’m in here. Can you help me out?

Chris Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Powers Okay, calm down, dude. No need to be a superhero.

Chris Oh!

Aaron Oh, my God.

Chris Oh, damn it! Oh!

Aaron Nice one, genius. The door was unlocked.

Chris How am I supposed to know that?

Aaron Oh, shit. Let me see if we can find something to get you out of that.

Bob She gave you a bucket? Bitch is wicked.

Chris Liv, you okay?

Liv Are you okay?

Chris Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just…

Aaron I found a screwdriver.

Bob What the hell are we gonna do with a screwdriver? Have y’all never worn handcuffs before?

Aaron Oh, shut up.

Dan Why not just look for the key?

Chris What the hell am I looking in the fridge for? God, these eggs are definitely bad. We need, like, a saw or a pliers or something.

Bob Pliers? Can’t find no key in here.

Chris Shut up and find something.

Bob You shut up! You ain’t had no handcuffs on.

Liv Gee, thanks for the help, guys.

Chris Cool. We good.

Dan Yo.

Liv Come on. We’re late. I saw the bait already.

Chris Where?

Liv Well, he was with Jed in his truck. Probably locked inside Willy’s by now.

Bob Well, let’s roll out. I wanna see that bitch burn.

Kathy Yeah, burn, baby, burn.

Liv Wait, guys, this isn’t for your entertainment, okay? It’s for doing what’s right.

Bob It’s gotta be a little entertaining. Look, I wanna see them freak bastards die for what I see ’em do.

Aaron Shut up, dude. What have you seen them do?

Bob Remember that one time I was…

Liv Okay, shut up. Guys. If we’re doing this, we’re gonna do this as a mission, not a field trip. Are you with me or not?

Chris Yeah, we’re with you, Liv.

Aaron Whatever you say.

Bob Yeah.

Liv All right. Let’s do this.

Jed Love Well, the good news is, I can fix it. The bad news is, it’s gonna have to sit til I get the part. Now, Hayesville’s one hotel’s booked. But I do have a place you can stay tonight. Now, it ain’t the Ritz, but it’s a roof and it’s free if you’re willing to do a little light cleaning.

Tex Damn.

Jed I thought you quit.

Tex My last one. Piece of shit. All right, let’s get the hell outta here. I can’t stand to hear a grown man scream.

Deputy Evan Olson Sheriff, if I may, why’d you request the state to send backup for one night to curfew a place the size of a postage stamp? Oh, don’t get me wrong. I got a wife and kid on the way and I do love the overtime pay.

Liv Hawthorne Okay, shut up. Guys. If we’re doing this, we’re gonna do this as a mission, not a field trip. Are you with me or not?

Liv Take this off me.

Sheriff Lund Oh, you gotta be kidding me. There’s not a chance in hell I’m letting you out of this trailer tonight.

Liv I hate you.

Sheriff Lund Oh, talk sweet to me all you want. Get down. You know the drill. Get down.

Liv Get out of my way.

Sheriff Lund Come here.

Liv What the hell are you doing? Wait.

Sheriff Lund I’ll be back in the morning.

Liv What… how the hell am I supposed to eat? How am I supposed to take a piss?

Sheriff Lund There are chips on the coffee table and a bucket on the floor. Try not to make a mess.

Liv You’re a bitch.

Sheriff Lund Oh, I love you too.

Aaron Hey, Chris.

Chris What?

Aaron Can you pour gas literally anywhere else?

Chris I’m sorry you pour like crap, Aaron.

Aaron You’re pouring gas on top of my gas.

Chris All right, let me go over here and I’ll just paint the bush.

Aaron Perfect. Thank you.

Bob Hey, you blowing bubbles? Bring your ass.

Aaron You forgot the lighter, didn’t you?

Chris No, I didn’t.

Aaron Then let me see it. Oh, my God.

Chris There you go.

Liv Wait, wait, wait. Uh-uh. Not yet.

Liv That guy’s still in there. We gotta get him out first. Hey, sir! Sir! You’re not safe in there. We gotta get you out. Hey!

Kathy Well, that was rude.

Bob Hey, look, if he don’t wanna be safe, it’s his ass, not ours.

Liv Tough shit. I’m getting him out whether he likes it or not.

Aaron You wanna go in there with those things? Are you high?

Bob Look, if he wanna be cremated, that’s his business.

Aaron Yeah.

Liv I’m sorry, but I’m just not okay with letting somebody burn alive in there if we can do something about it.

Chris She’s right.

Aaron Of course she is, Chris.

Chris Oh, shut up!

Bob Hurry this shit up so we can go home.

Liv I’ll figure out how to get inside, but I’m not putting you guys in danger. You just figure out how to get us out once I do.

Chris Okay.

Willy Weasel We’re All Friends. We Like to Play. Play, play, play every night and day. We’re All Friends. We Like to Sing. Sing, sing, sing; it’s a wonderful thing! We’re All Friends. We Like to Run. Run, run, run to the beat of the drum. We’re All Friends. We Like to Dance. Dance, dance, dance like there’s ants in our pants. Have you been to my Super Happy Fun Room yet? Well, what are you waiting for? The Super Happy Fun Room is super happy fun. Join us in the Fun Room, where you’ll be number one. Popcorn, cake, and hot dogs, soda and candy too. The Super Happy Fun Room.

Jed You want God to laugh, you tell him your plans.

Tex Howdy there, partner. My name is Tex, same as the state. Got the handle Macadoo. Welcome to Willy’s Wonderland.

Jed Yeah, he don’t talk much.

Tex And I respect that. I enjoy a man of few words. Well, business is not what it used to be, but I am fixing to reopen and make Willy’s better than ever. Anyway, enough horseshit. Here’s my offer. You spend the night cleaning Willy’s Wonderland and I will pay to have your car fixed. I go on in tomorrow, you come out of there, and your ride will be ready for you right there. Deal? If not, I got places to be. All right. All right. Let’s go inside.

Jed Good luck, mister.

Tex Watch your step. Check this out.

Willy Weasel Hey, kids, it’s Willy the Weasel. Welcome to my wonderland. Come on down and meet the gang. We’ve got Arty the Alligator, Siren Sara, Cammy the Chameleon, Gus Gorilla, Knighty Knight, Ozzie the Ostrich, and Tito the Turtle. It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone. It’s your birthday and we want you to have fun. It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone.

Tex We had some great times. Kids laughing, smiling, eating hot dogs, opening presents. You know the story, right? Well, some of these little bastards start crawling over the characters, they get hurt. A couple of lawsuits later from Mommy Safety Organizations and wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, we’re out of business. Shut us right down. Damn thing always gets jammed. Yeah. This stuff oughta do the trick. Broom, mop, bucket, drain snake, Windex, rags, whatever you need, we got it. Oh, lookee here. Congratulations. You are officially on staff. Well, pal, it’s gonna be dark soon. I’ll be back in the morning with that car of yours dapper and ready to drive or my name is not Tex Macadoo. Help yourself to whatever you can find in the kitchen. It’s on the house. And be sure to take breaks. Always good to pace yourself. That’s it. Good luck.

Sheriff Lund Will you just stop it?

Liv Open the door!

Sheriff Lund I’ll open the damn door. What the hell is wrong with you? No! God damn it. Hey, Jed, what’s up?

Jed This old boy had the misfortune of finding your zigzags out there. I figured I’d bring ’em back to you.

Sheriff Lund He all right?

Jed Yeah, he’ll be all right. Tire’s not, but he’ll be fine. He had this pretty Camaro right here. Yes, yes, it was that ocean blue…

Sheriff Lund Jed, I’ll come by and get ’em later.

Jed All turning around, spinning out, everything. He just slid right in there and then pop, pop…

Sheriff Lund I don’t have time for this today, okay?

Jed Yes, ma’am.

Liv Hawthorne I’m sorry, but I’m just not okay with letting somebody burn alive in there if we can do something about it.

Willy Weasel Hey, kids! You know what time it is? It's birthday time! It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. Okay now, kids. Clap your hands like there's no tomorrow. We welcome you to Willy's, where everyone's your friend. That's right. Here at Willy's Wonderland, the good times never end. Birthday fun for everyone, how old are you today? Everyone at Willy's is hoping you will stay. Forever! It's birthday time, it's birthday time, it's birthday time. Let's cheer at Willy's Wonderland! Proudly serving families since 1984.