Zombieland Quotes

Columbus Don't worry. He grows on you.

Wichita Really?

Columbus No, it gets worse.

Taglines A comedy that kills.

Taglines Survival rule #1: Cardio.

Columbus You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?

Tallahassee Back east, yeah?

Columbus Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Tallahassee Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.

Columbus There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Tallahassee You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

Columbus I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people.

Columbus Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm. And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? It's because of my list of rules. Rule #1 for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bastard. But as the infection spread and the chaos grew, it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. You had to get a gun, and learn how to use it. Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap. In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really "dead", don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head... ...and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow, they could just smell it.

Guy Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?

Columbus Don't let them catch you with your pants down. Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms. As zombies began to outnumber humans, well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked up little monsters, well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. You had to focus on your own survival. Which leads to rule #4. Pretty basic. Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tallahassee There's a box of Twinkies in that Grocery Store. Not just any Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and someday soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.

Columbus You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like developed in a secret government lab!

Columbus So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.

Wichita Oooh, Free Parking! Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about living in Zombieland.

Columbus You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?

Talahassee The best part is no more flushing. Epic.

Tallahassee Where are ya, ya spongy yellow delicious bastards?! Where are ya?!

Columbus Oh, God. Look at this fucking clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules... ...are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. Fuck this clown.

Taglines Our land is their land.

Columbus Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?

Tallahassee No. I knew ] way worse at that than me.

Bill Murray Is that how you say hello where you come from?

Columbus Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

Tallahassee Mr. Murray?

Bill Murray I'm just Bill, I think, now.

Tallahassee Bill?

Bill Murray Yeah?

Tallahassee I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.

Bill Murray Ah. That's still tender.

Tallahassee You think you might pull through?

Bill Murray No.

Columbus If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.

Bill Murray It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.

Little Rock So do you have any regrets?

Bill Murray ], maybe.

Wichita I'm sorry, he just gets me...but it's very sad.

Columbus Yeah.

Tallahassee Bill Murray, you're a zombie?

Bill Murray Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch!

Tallahassee You're not a zombie, you're talking and...You're okay?

Bill Murray The hell I am!

Wichita I'm sorry. I didn't know it was...It was "you" you.

Tallahassee Are you...? What's with the get-up?

Bill Murray Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.

Tallahassee Goddamn it! Bill-Fucking-Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill-Fucking-Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like...Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected. I gratefully respect you.

Taglines Survival rule #28: Get a kickass partner.

Taglines Survival rule#4: Don't be a hero.

Little Rock No Twinkies.

Tallahassee Shit! Fuck!

Wichita See, I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's, but nobody ever listens to me!

Tallahassee My momma always told me "Someday you'll be good at somethin'." Who'd have guessed that somethin would be zombie killin'?

Columbus Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. "Oh, they stole my Hummer. Oh, we have trust issues." Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.

Tallahassee Whoa.

Columbus I know.

Tallahassee Time to nut up or shut up.

Columbus You think so?

Wichita Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.

Wichita Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.

Columbus So until next time

Tallahassee Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.

Tallahassee I haven't cried like that since ].

Taglines Nut up or shut up.

Taglines This place is so dead

Taglines Survival rule #21: Avoid strip clubs.

Columbus You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east.

Tallahassee So?

Columbus So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least - at least for a while?

Tallahassee Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh, I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, so, uh, I'll get this relationship to about Texarkana.

Columbus Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.

Tallahassee You're a peppy little spit fuck, aren't you?

Columbus You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.

Tallahassee I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerves.

Taglines Welcome to Zombieland.