Zombieland (2009) - Quotes

Taglines: A comedy that kills.

Taglines: Survival rule #1: Cardio.

Taglines: Survival rule#4: Don't be a hero.

Taglines: Survival rule #28: Get a kickass partner.

Taglines: Survival rule #21: Avoid strip clubs.

Taglines: Nut up or shut up.

Taglines: This place is so dead

Taglines: Our land is their land.

Taglines: Welcome to Zombieland.

Columbus: You think so?

Wichita: Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.

Wichita: Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.

Columbus: So until next time

Wichita: Oooh, Free Parking! Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about living in Zombieland.

Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?

Talahassee: The best part is no more flushing. Epic.

Bill Murray: [after Columbus shoots him] Is that how you say hello where you come from?

Columbus: [realizing] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?

Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.

Tallahassee: Bill?

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.

Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.

Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?

Bill Murray: No.

Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.

Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.

Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?

Bill Murray: [[w:Garfield: The Movie|Garfield; gives a long exhale, like a death rattle...then inhales and does another one before he dies] ], maybe.

Wichita: [suddenly starts snorting and laughing softly, everyone looks at her] I'm sorry, he just gets me...but it's very sad.

Columbus: Yeah.

Tallahassee: [shocked] Bill Murray, you're a zombie?

Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch!

Tallahassee: [surprised] You're not a zombie, you're talking and...You're okay?

Bill Murray: The hell I am!

Wichita: [also surprised] I'm sorry. I didn't know it was...It was "you" you.

Tallahassee: Are you...? What's with the get-up?

Bill Murray: Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.

Tallahassee: [growing excited] Goddamn it! Bill-Fucking-Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill-Fucking-Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like...Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected. I gratefully respect you.

Little Rock: No Twinkies.

Tallahassee: Shit! Fuck!

Wichita: See, I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's, but nobody ever listens to me!

Columbus: [about Tallahassee] Don't worry. He grows on you.

Wichita: Really?

Columbus: No, it gets worse.

Columbus: Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. "Oh, they stole my Hummer. Oh, we have trust issues." Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.

Tallahassee: Whoa.

Columbus: I know.

Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?

Tallahassee: [[w:Cliff Clavin|a guy] No. I knew ] way worse at that than me.

Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?

Tallahassee: Back east, yeah?

Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.

Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

Columbus: You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east.

Tallahassee: So?

Columbus: So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least - at least for a while?

Tallahassee: Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh, I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, so, uh, I'll get this relationship to about Texarkana.

Columbus: Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.

Tallahassee: You're a peppy little spit fuck, aren't you?

Columbus: You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.

Tallahassee: I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerves.

Columbus: [voiceover; the cameraman picks up the camera, and the White House is revealed to be destroyed; a zombie jumps up, attacks cameraman, and eats him; notices camera; zombie belches; the whole world is shown with local fires; overweight man gets taken down and eaten by a zombie; woman shoots zombie in chest, and the zombie falls over; zombie wakes up, and attacks] Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm. And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? It's because of my list of rules. Rule #1 for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bastard. But as the infection spread and the chaos grew, it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. You had to get a gun, and learn how to use it. Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap. In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really "dead", don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head... ...and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow, they could just smell it.

Guy: [sees zombie, and screams; gets killed] Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?

Columbus: [voiceover; a woman frantically pulls out her keys, and starts car; zombie girls fall off and growl; truck horn blares, and woman looks up as her van is stopped, but she flies through her windshield; she hits the pavement, leaving a streak of blood] Don't let them catch you with your pants down. Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms. As zombies began to outnumber humans, well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked up little monsters, well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. You had to focus on your own survival. Which leads to rule #4. Pretty basic. Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tallahassee: [looking through a fried-Twinkie stand] Where are ya, ya spongy yellow delicious bastards?! Where are ya?!

Tallahassee: [about Columbus, after seeing him kiss Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.

Tallahassee: [silently crying about losing his 3-year-old son to the zombies; [w:Titanic (1997 film)|Titanic] I haven't cried like that since ].

Tallahassee: There's a box of Twinkies in that Grocery Store. Not just any Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and someday soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.

Tallahassee: My momma always told me "Someday you'll be good at somethin'." Who'd have guessed that somethin would be zombie killin'?

Tallahassee: Time to nut up or shut up.

Columbus: [last lines; Tallahassee hits the zombie with the car door] So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.

Columbus: [voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown; the words "RULE #17: DON'T BE A HERO" appear, with the word "DON'T" falling down, and turning into "RULE #17: BE A HERO"] Oh, God. Look at this fucking clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules... ...are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. Fuck this clown.

Columbus: [to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like developed in a secret government lab!

Columbus: I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people.