"The Big Bang Theory" character, Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz, just gave birth to baby Halley in Season 10, but the road to motherhood has been much harder for the actress herself. Rauch, 37, just penned an emotional guest column for Glamour, revealing the happy news of her pregnancy, but also the anguish of a previous miscarriage and her terror that it could happen again.
Here's how she opened her column:
"Here is the only statement regarding my pregnancy that doesn't make me feel like a complete fraud: 'Melissa is expecting her first child. She is extremely overjoyed, but if she's being honest, due to the fact that she had a miscarriage the last time she was pregnant, she's pretty much terrified at the moment that it will happen again. She feels weird even announcing this at all, and would rather wait until her child heads off to college to tell anyone, but she figures she should probably share this news before someone sees her waddling around with her mid-section protruding and announces it first.'"
Rauch wrote that, in her grief over her miscarriage, reading every joyful baby announcement "felt like a tiny stab in the heart." Here's a really heartbreaking section of her post:
"The miscarriage I experienced was one of the most profound sorrows I have ever felt in my life. It kickstarted a primal depression that lingered in me. The image of our baby on the ultrasound monitor—without movement, without a heartbeat—after we had seen that same little heart healthy and flickering just two weeks prior completely blindsided us and haunts me to this day."
She wondered why the "shiny, carefree, fertile women" could so easily do what she could not. Those feelings were followed by guilt and shame for her jealousy.
"I've always been one to keep my eyes on my own paper, but when it came to having a baby, that proved to be a challenge. So when I thought about having to share the news about expecting this baby, all I could think about was another woman mourning over her loss as I did, worried she would never get pregnant again, and reading about my little bundle on the way. It felt a bit disingenuous to not also share the struggle it took for me to get here."
The whole column is inspiring and beautiful (but still funny), and here's how she ends it:
"All I really know for sure is that this experience has changed me forever. I know it's made me grateful for every moment of my current pregnancy, and I hope it will make me a better mother in some capacity when I can finally hold the child that has been in my heart in my arms. Although I can't categorize these lessons of humble appreciation and gratitude as 'reasons for this happening,' I will consider them a silver lining. (But to be honest, I would've much preferred to learn said lessons from either a fortune cookie or by watching a few heartfelt reruns of Full House.) So, to all the women out there who are dealing with fertility issues, have gone through a miscarriage or are going through the pain of it currently, allow me to leave you with this message: You are not alone. And, it is perfectly OK to not be OK right now."
Well put. Best wishes to Rauch and her husband Winston on the health of this already dearly beloved baby, whose arrival is expected this fall. This fall will also bring "The Big Bang Theory" Season 11, which premieres September 25 on CBS.
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