Alec Baldwin Quotes

Mick Dugan Tess, will you marry me?

Tess McGill Maybe.

Mick Dugan Ya call that an answer?

Tess McGill You want another answer, ask another girl.

Campbell Alexander I have an iron lung, and Judge helps me steer clear of magnets.

Mr. Conductor And so we've come to the happy end of our story, and it's time for all of us to go home, just like Thomas.

Mr. Conductor The magic is gone! Why did I take my gold dust for granted? I can't help without my gold dust. What is the source of my gold dust? Is someone there? Thomas, is that you?

Thomas Mr. Conductor! Mr. Conductor!

Mr. Conductor Thomas?

Thomas Oh, Mr. Conductor; where are you?

Mr. Conductor Thomas? How can I possibly say that I'm really useful now?

Barbara Adam, why did you build that?

Adam I didn't.

Juno Will you guys shut up and leave me alone? I've got all this paperwork to do. You two, come in. Sit down. Get in here, both of ya! The whorehouse was my idea. I want Beetlejuice out of the picture! You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook!

Adam When?

Juno Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.

Dumb Football Player Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?

Juno I'm not your coach! He survived.

Very Dumb Football Player Wait, Coach. Let me get somethin’ straight. What's our curfew around here?

Juno Will you get outta here?! Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are ya kidding? Can't you read signs? I’ll be right back.

Dumb Football Player Coach?

Juno What?

Dumb Football Player I don't think we survived that crash.

Juno How did ya guess?

Hal So what do you think?

Jasmine I love it! You shouldn't spoil me so.

Hal Well why not? Who else am I going to spoil?

Dennis Dupree Paul, you told me this was a freebie.

Paul Gill Stacee Jaxx does not take a dump for free.

Mick Dugan I want to get things solidified. Things in my life! You're not the only one with plans, you know!

Tess McGill I said, maybe.

Mick Dugan Maybe means dick! Fuck maybe! I want an answer now!

Tess McGill Please, don't yell at me! You treat me like I'm dumb!

Mick Dugan Why are we always talkin about the way you get treated, huh? Who the fuck died and made you Grace Kelly?!

Tess McGill I am not steak! You can't just order me!

Mick Dugan Look, I don't need this! You get your priorities straight, maybe we'll talk. Right now, we're history.

Brandt So what you're saying is there is no ledger, which means we have no proof that the Syndicate even exists. So we're back to square one, only now we're all wanted by the CIA. I'm so proud of us.

Prime Minister Atlee? He couldn't possibly be talking about... that Syndicate. Cause you assured me that that Syndicate was merely an exercise.

Alan Hunley Hunt is uniquely training and highly motivated. A specialist without equal, immune to any countermeasures. There is no secret he cannot extract, no security he cannot breach, no person he cannot become. He has, most likely, anticipated this very conversation and is waiting to strike in whatever direction we move. Sir, Hunt is the living manifestation of destiny, and he has made you... his mission.

Jake Adler And I like that you stopped getting bikini waxes. You've gone native. I dig it!

Dr. Jed Hill Bad things happen to good people all the time, Andy, for no reason whatsoever.

Blake Let me have your attention for a moment. Cause you're talking about what? You're talking about bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch don't wanna buy land, somebody don't want what you're selling, some broad you're trying to screw, so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

John Williamson All but one.

Blake Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Coffee's for closers only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray, and I'm here on a mission of mercy! Your name's Levene?

Shelley Levene Yeah.

Blake You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?

Dave Moss I don't gotta listen to this shit.

Blake You certainly don't, pal, cause the good news is you're fired. The bad news is you've got — all of you've got — just one week to regain your jobs, starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, cause we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a ]. Anybody wanna see second prize? Second prize's a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired. Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can't close the leads you're given? You can't close shit? You are shit! Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it cause you are going out!

Shelley The leads are weak!

Blake The leads are weak? Fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business 15 years.

Dave What's your name?

Blake Fuck you! That's my name! You know why, mister? Cause you drove a ] to get here tonight. I drove an $80,000 ]. That's my name! And your name is: you're wanting and you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them? Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fucking faggots? A–B–C. A: Always, B: Be, C: Closing. Always be closing. Always be closing! A–I–D–A. Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Attention: do I have your attention? Interest: are you interested? I know you are, cause it's fuck or walk. You close, or you hit the bricks! Decision: have you made your decision for Christ? And action. A–I–D–A. Get out there! You got the prospects coming in; you think they came in to get outta the rain? A guy don't walk on the lot unless he wants to buy. They're sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Don't you want to take it? Are you man enough to take it?

Dave Incredible.

Blake What's the problem, pal? You, Moss.

Dave You're such a hero. You’re so rich. How come you’re coming down here and waste your time with such a bunch of bums?

Blake You see this watch? You see this watch?

Dave Yeah.

Blake That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here? Close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself $15,000, tonight, in two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A–I–D–A! Get mad, you son of a bitches! Get mad! You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate. Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there. You pick it up, it's yours. You don't, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close — close! — it's yours. Not, you're gonna be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying — bunch of losers, sitting around in a bar? "Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman. It's a tough racket." These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads, and to you, they're gold, and you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for closers. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to. They asked for a favor. I said, the real favor? Follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.

Stan Indursky Good things.

Junior Hey, Cous! What's up, enjoying the sun?

Mr. Conductor No, Junior. I'm not. As a matter of fact, I just escaped here after a heavy metal monster! Junior, where have you been?

Ellerby Yeah, but cui bono? Who benefits?

Colin Sullivan Cui gives a shit? It's got a fuckin bow on it.

Junior That's my shell phone. Hello?

Mr. Conductor Junior? Junior, is that you?!

Junior Oh, hi, Cous! Uh, are you in a tunnel? This isn't a very good line.

Mr. Conductor Junior, where are you?!

Junior Um, I'm in paradise. I just got in Cloud 9 and here I am.

Mr. Conductor Junior, listen to me. You've got to come to the Island of Sodor RIGHT NOW!

Junior Now? But I'm waiting on a perfect wave!

Mr. Conductor Oh, no. You're not, you're coming here! You have to help me find the source of all our family's gold dust.

Junior What is the source?

Mr. Conductor That's the trouble, Junior. I haven't a clue!

Junior And I've used up most of my gold dust, too.

Mr. Conductor What?! Then go to Shining Time Station first. And in my signal-house in the box under the staircase, you'll find my emergency whistle with the last of my supply. Please take care of this, Junior, and… Don't talk to anyone about the buffers.

Junior What buffers? This is a really bad line! Hello! My shell phone's not working properly!

Mr. Conductor Junior, you got to come here right away! I'm counting on you!

Junior Hello?! I want my money back.

Peter Hoskins Je hebt erg witte tanden.

Old Man Dunphy One more thing. Making sex is like Chinese dinner. It ain't over till you both get your cookies...Remember that I said that.

Old Man Dunphy So what ever happened to that little girl of yours?

Timothy Dunphy She's going to Brown University in the fall.

Old Man Dunphy Brown University? They got one of those in Providence!

Timothy Dunphy There's only one, Pop.

Campbell Alexander The kid wasn't lying. The doctor started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white blood cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, then they took them, too, but it was never enough.

Lydia Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?

Adam We're ghosts!

Lydia What do you look like under there?

Adam Aren't you scared?

Lydia I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?

Adam Night of the what?

Lydia Living Dead. It's a movie.

Barbara You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared outta my wits.

Lydia Of course I can see you.

Adam Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?

Lydia Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: Live people ignore the strange and unusual'. I, myself, am strange and unusual.

Barbara You look like a regular girl to me.

Adam You've read our book?

Lydia Yeah.

Adam You can follow it?

Lydia Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?

Adam We were trying to scare your mother.

Lydia Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.

Ellerby Staff Sergeant Dignam is our liaison to the the undercover department, his undercover work is extensive. He's here to give us his report. Sergeant Dignam.

Dignam OK. My people are out there. They're like fuckin Indians. You're not gonna see em you're not gonna hear about em except from me or Captain Queenan. You will not ever know the identity of undercover people. Unfortunately, this shithole has more fuckin leaks than the Iraqi Navy.

Ellerby Fuck yourself.

Dignam I'm tired from fuckin your wife.

Ellerby How's your mother?

Dignam Good, she's tired from fuckin my father. Good. Today, girls, what I have for you is microprocessors. Somebody as you may already know stole 20 microprocessors from the Mass Processor Company out on Route 128. These are the kind of processors they put into computers that can put a cruise missile up the ass of a camel from a couple hundred miles away. Now get this, we get a guy working for the company two months; walks right out the front door with a box of processors on Tuesday, has a ticket booked for Florida on Wednesday, but on Thursday, he gets found in a dumpster. You know where that dirtball started his life? Southie projects.

Colin Sullivan What was his name? The departed?

Dignam Miles Kenefick. Got a job to forge U-Mass transcript. U-Mass Boston, which just happens to be-

Frank Lazio South Boston?

Dignam Well, you're a fuckin genius, huh! Who forged your transcript, dickhead?

Colin Sullivan Hey this guy, his old man runs the Hibernian Liquor Mart. Kenefick's.

Ellerby We're not here to solve the case of the missing scumbag, we're here to nail Costello.

Dignam Alright look. We got a guy who says he hears Costello's moving the processors to China. We set up a whole fuckin job in Pop Kenefick. You do not want to miss it if Costello takes a dump.

Ellerby We'd miss a lot less if you made your informants available to us at the cost of the Bureau.

Frank Lazio We're not asking for too many details. Do you have anyone in with Costello presently?

Dignam Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they're like mushrooms. Feed em shit and keep em in the dark. You girls have a good day.

Ellerby Normally he's a very, uh, nice guy.

Robert Green Wish we had some salt.

Charles Morse You know, you can, uh... you can season meat with gunpowder. Did you know that?

Robert Green Wish we had some gunpowder.

Diesel 10 Okay, Twinkle Toes. I know about the buffers.

Mr. Conductor That's what I saw in my dream! It's coming true! My universe is starting to crumble!

Diesel 10 And I know about the magic railway. And when I find that engine, you and all those puffballs will be history. Now tell me where the buffers are now! You got 10 seconds!

Timothy Dunphy What's a prep school?

Old Man Dunphy It's to prepare you for not getting your neck broke by me.

Anna I want to sue my parents for the rights to my own body.

Campbell Alexander Would you repeat that, please?

Anna I want to sue my parents for the right to my own body. My sister has leukemia. They are trying to force me to give her my body parts.

Campbell You're supposed to give her a kidney?

Anna She has been in renal failure for months now.

Campbell Well, no one can force you to donate if you don't want to, can they?

Anna They think they can. I'm under eighteen, they're my legal guardians.

Campbell They can't do that.

Anna Well that's what I want you to tell them because they have been doing it to me my whole life. I wouldn't even be alive if Kate wasn't sick. I'm a designer baby. I was made in a dish to be spare parts for Kate.

Campbell You're kidding, right? You do know what will happen if you don't give her your kidney, right?

Anna Yeah, she will die.

Jake Adler Is it really necessary for you to always say no before you say yes?

Diesel 10 It's time to finally put Twinkle Toes lights out. This is a job FOR THE BOSS!

Toby I've got to delay him. I'm going to distract him. Hmm…hmm…

Diesel 10 It's the old teapot! Smash him!

Splatter Smash him? Hold on, boss!

Dodge You shouldn't push that!

Diesel 10 Pinchy, get back here! Don't make me come up here! I hate it when you do that!

Toby Good show!

Splatter Uh, boss?

Dodge Did you mean to let the roof fall in?

Splatter All the way in?

Diesel 10 I always mean what I do, you rattletraps!

Mr. Conductor Diesel was in a dump, but the steam engines were still right on track.

Singers ♪ He's a really useful engine, you know ♪

Thomas Morning, Henry. What's the matter?

Henry I've got… boiler ache.

Thomas And I'm collecting one, two, three, four, five, six trucks of special Island of Sodor coal for you.

Henry Oh, thank you, Thomas. Special coal will make me feel much better!

Thomas I wish I could make Mr. Conductor feel better too by finding him.

Bertie Hello, Thomas and your five coal trucks! Vroom-vroom!

Thomas Five? But I'm supposed to have six.

Mr. Conductor So, who dropped the ball then? Oh, there you are. I'd like a nice cup of hot cocoa. Would you fellas care to join me? No? What would you rather do instead? Go outside and play? Well, I can understand that. What do you think? Why do you keep hitting him like that? You're gonna have to have a time out. Just a little sweeter, I think.

Diesel 10 Alright, Pinchy, my little bucket of badness, time to feast yourself.

Mr. Conductor Ahh. Now that's better. Whoa! Ahh! Whoa!

Thomas Cinders and ashes! It's Diesel!

Gordon Diesel?! Oh, no!

Diesel 10 Hello, Twinkle Toes! I got a plan and you're not in it!

Mr. Conductor You can't catch me, Diesel!

Diesel 10 Losing your sparkle, huh? What perfect timing. Now where is that lost engine?

Mr. Conductor You won't find her here.

Diesel 10 You're not clever enough to stop me.

Mr. Conductor Oh, yes I am!

Diesel 10 No, you're not! Ah- What–?! Is that…?!

Mr. Conductor That's right, it's sugar, Diesel! And if I throw this in your tank, it'll seize you up for good!

Diesel 10 Make the most of tonight, Twinkle Toes, because you won't like tomorrow! Neither will that… that line of tin kettles! Oh, shut up, Pinchy!

Thomas Mr. Conductor, but what happened to your sparkle?

Mr. Conductor I don't know, Thomas, I'll just have to sleep on that.

Thomas On your sparkle?

Mr. Conductor No, Thomas. On the problem of what happened to it.

Percy Oh, but Mr. Conductor, without your sparkle or the Lost Engine, you can't travel here to help us anymore.

Mr. Conductor I'll solve the problem. You just go to sleep now.

Percy Easy for you to say.

Campbell Alexander When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office I thought she was selling girl scout cookies.

Adam Barbara, I don't think we survived that crash.

Mr. Conductor Oh, good afternoon; sir! A real honor, sir. Like my family before me. And how is Lady Hatt? Yes. Watch out for Diesel, definitely. Keep an eye on Henry's health; sir. Yes, sir. The 3 Rs. Reading, writing and arithmetic. I mean…I will be responsible… reliable… and really useful. Yes, sir, we will all get a good night's sleep. Looking forward to a hard day tomorrow. Goodbye, sir.

Mr. Conductor What's going wrong with our railroad and why? My universe is in danger! I've got to find more gold dust!

Dr. Jed Hill The question is, Do I have a God Complex'?...which makes me wonder if this lawyer has any idea as to the kind of grades one has to receive in college to be accepted at a top medical school. Or if you have the vaguest clue as to how talented someone has to be to lead a surgical team. I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trauma from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle. But if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a ]? Let me tell you something: I am God.

Charles Morse For all my life, I've have wanted to do something that was, um, that was unequivocal.

Robert Green Well, Charlie, I certainly think this qualifies.

Charles Morse Or something.

Robert Green See, Charles, that's why they call it personal growth. A month ago, old Smokey here would've reared up, you probably would've called your lawyer!

Charles Morse Nah, I wouldn't do that to an animal.

Charles Morse You know, I once read an interesting book which said that, uh, most people lost in the wilds, they, they die of shame.

Stephen What?

Charles Morse Yeah, see, they die of shame. "What did I do wrong? How could I have gotten myself into this?" And so they sit there and they... die. Because they didn't do the one thing that would save their lives.

Robert Green And what is that, Charles?

Charles Morse Thinking.

Dr. Jed Hill I'm the new guy around here and I want to make friends, so I'll say this to you and we'll start fresh. If you don't like my jokes, don't laugh. If you have a medical opinion, then please speak up and speak up loud. But if you ever again tell me or my surgical staff that we're going to lose a patient, I'm gonna take out your lungs with a fuckin ice cream scoop. Do you understand me?

Mr. Conductor Mutt was feeling pleased to himself. He had put Lily on the wrong train, but he knew he had done so for the right reasons.

Female Singer ♪ I know how the moon must feel ♪

Old Man Dunphy What are you two knuckleheads up to?

Timothy Dunphy Going out.

Old Man Dunphy What you gonna do?

Timothy Dunphy Hang around.

Old Man Dunphy When you gonna come back?

Timothy Dunphy Later.

Old Man Dunphy Now, was that so hard?

Adam For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?

Beetlejuice Ah, well...I attended Juilliard...I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the ] and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen ] about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTIN FUNNIER EVERY... SINGLE...TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKIN’ TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! You think I'm qualified?

Adam Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?

Beetlejuice Oh! I didn't know what you were askin me. Can I be scary? What do ya think of this? You like it?

Charles Morse So what do you value me for, Bob?

Robert Green I like your style, your wife's pretty cute too.

Charles Morse So how are you planning to kill me?

Stephen Robert why do you think they'll even come looking for us?

Robert Green Our friend is a billionaire, you know what happens when you misplace one?

Dr. Kennebrew Beauregard Hello, my fellow Americans. They say we may have lost the battle but we didn't lose the war. Yes, my friends, we are under attack. You may have read about this in your local newspapers or seen it on the evening news. That's right. We are living in an era marked by the spread of integration and miscegenation. The Brown decision. The Brown decision, forced upon us by the Jewish-controlled puppets on the U.S. Supreme Court, compelling white children to go to school with an inferior race, is the final nail in a coffin, is the final nail in a black coffin towards America becoming a mongrel nation. We had a great way of life. We had a great way of life. We had a great way of life. We had a great way of life until the Martin Luther Coons of this world and their army of Commies started their civil rights assault against our holy white Protestant values. Do you really want your precious white child going to school with Negroes? They're lying, dirty monkeys, stopping at nothing to gain their equality with white men. Rapists, murderers, craving the virgin white, is it "virgin pure"? Rapists, murderers, craving the virgin pure flesh of white women. They are super predators! And the Negro's insidious tactics, under the tutelage of high-ranking, blood-sucking Jews, using an army of outside northern black beast preda... agitators. God, watch this! God! Using an army of outside northern black beast agitators determined to overthrow the God-commanded and biblically inspired rule of the white race. It's an international Jewish conspiracy. May God bless us all.

Sergeant Trapp You know the way to sell hate? Affirmative action, immigration, crime, tax reform... He says, no one wants to be called a bigot anymore because ] made that too uncool. So, the idea is under all these issues... everyday Americans can accept it. Support it. Until eventually, one day he gets somebody in the White House that embodies it.

Jake Adler And what's with the "big guy"? Is it because I'm fat?

Charles Morse You saved me.

Robert Green Get over it, Charles - I just need you to navigate.

Charles Morse You saved my life.

Robert Green Well, I couldn't kill you with Stephen around. I'd have to kill him too, and he's the only one that knows how I like my coffee.

Charles Morse Come on, you saved my life.

Robert Green Buy me something nice when we get home.

Charles Morse How'd you like your coffee?

Robert Green Huh. I like my coffee like I like my women.

Stephen Bitter and murky!

Brian Gilcrest Well, I remember the good times.

General Dixon There were no good times! How does it feel to set back our footprint in the Pacific by a decade? You cost us our prime new partner, future missions, a new space command center, all gone because Carson Welch canceled his contract with us. And why? Why did it all go bad? Because cool guy here, Mr. Sexy Pants, Brian Gilcrest, LOST BRAVE ANGEL!!

Mr. Conductor Hello, I'm Mr. Conductor and I'm going to tell you a story about trains folks far apart and the Magic Railroad that brought them together. Every story like a railroad has its heroes. Meet Thomas. He's our number one hero.

Thomas Hello!

Mr. Conductor But he's running a little late today. This is the Island of Sodor where Thomas and his friends live. It's at one end of my special universe. I like helping out here. By the invitation of Sir Topham Hatt, of course.

Gordon Five, six, seven, eight…

Thomas Who do we appreciate? Practicing your numbers, Gordon. That's a good engine.

Gordon I'm counting how many seconds late you are. What does that sign say?

Thomas Hmm… "Sodor Railway, really reliable and right on time. Signed, head of the railway, Sir Topham Hatt.

Gordon But you weren't on time, little Thomas.

Thomas And you're being bossy, Gordon. Now, please excuse me. I'm meeting Mr. Conductor. He's looking after us while Sir Topham Hatt takes a much needed holiday.

Gordon Oh, I think we can take care of ourselves.

Diesel 10 GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!! I have unfinished business here, and I wanna finish it FAST!

Gordon D-Diesel 10's back!

Thomas Yes, 10 out of 10 for devious deeds and brutal strength! The blast from the past who hates steam engines!

Gordon Maybe we do need Mr. Conductor here after all. On time!

Mr. Conductor Old Smokey, you stay right here til I get back! There you are. Is something wrong here? What kind of an answer is that? I'm going to be late. I'll get back as fast as I can. I have to concentrate now; Mutt. I'm suddenly having problems with my sparkle. Mutt? Goodbye, Mutt. Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!