Amy Poehler Quotes

Wet Hot American Summer

Critique of Performative Authenticity

Susie OK, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys! God, am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it! Take a break! Think about what you've done.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sisters

Need for Lotion in Unlikely Places

Old Patient I don't need lotion in there!

Maura Ellis Ssshh. Think you NEED lotion in there.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

Embracing Consequences in a Challenging Situation

Cricket Feldstein You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Wet Hot American Summer

A Promise to Reunite in Ten Years

Susie You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place.

Coop Me, too.

Ben Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.

Lindsay Yeah!

Ben What time do you wanna meet?

J.J. You mean ten years from now?

Ben Yeah.

Coop Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.

Susie Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?

Coop Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.

McKinley Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30? I mean, we're all gonna be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.

Gary Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?

Together Agreed.

McKinley Great, cause I have something at 11:00.

Gary You've just got like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?

McKinley No, I just, I have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

Provocative Comments on Theater and Controversy

Cricket Feldstein Well, this play is gonna bitch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a gangbang.

Dana Marschz Uh... yeah.

Cricket Feldstein Y'know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of dicks, cause all I ended up doing was giving you free publicity.

Dana Marschz Yeah, and did you see my dressing room? It has a bidet!

Elisabeth Shue That was a sink.

Dana Marschz It was?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Wet Hot American Summer

Introduction to the Campers' Performance

Susie Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hamlet 2

Defiance Against Authority in Theatre

Cricket Feldstein No one is shutting down this play. The Justice Department and the so-called Supreme Court can suck my balls.

Dana Marschz Why do they have to do this?

Cricket Feldstein My balls?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The House

Confronting the Wrong Opponent

Kate Johansen Wrong couple to fuck with, pal!

[Scott and Kate hold up their weapons to intimidate a bad driver]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Blades of Glory

Reflecting on Lost Family Connections

Fairchild Van Waldenberg What's that, mother? You and father are sad that you were killed, driving Katie to her ice-skating lesson all those years ago? Yeah, me too.

Stranz Van Waldenberg Remember how they used to be alive?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sisters

Experiencing Tampons for the First Time

Maura Ellis Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, ].

[[Tom Hanks]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The House

Robbery Reveals Empty Safes and Tension

Tommy Papouli Where's the money?

Frank Theodorakis We just got robbed.

Scott Johansen Yeah.

Frank Theodorakis Look, the saves are all empty.

Tommy Papouli Do you know how many times I see someone point to any empty safe and say we have no money?

Frank Theodorakis A hundred?

Scott Johansen 500?

Frank Theodorakis 30,000.

Tommy Papouli It's rhetorical, fuckstick.

Frank Theodorakis Okay.

Tommy Papouli Shut up. This your daughter?

Scott Johansen Where? Who, her?

Tommy Papouli Right here.

Scott Johansen That's such a compliment. This is my wife.

Kate Johansen Alex?

Scott Johansen In fact, there's our daughter.

Kate Johansen There she is. Hello, daughter.

Scott Johansen Hi, honey.

Kate Johansen Don't overthink it, just be our daughter.

Scott Johansen Come right here.

Rachel I'm not your daughter, that's your--

Scott Johansen Sorry, Rachel!

Tommy Papouli The fuck's the matter with you?

Scott Johansen What?

Tommy Papouli Shoving a girl like that?

Scott Johansen We are strict diciplinarians in our household.

Tommy Papouli Get out of my way. I know this is your daughter.

Alex Johansen Mom!

Scott Johansen No, no, no!

Tommy Papouli Cuff her.

Scott Johansen Sweetie.

Alex Johansen Mom.

Kate Johansen Honey.

Scott Johansen No.

Frank Theodorakis Wait, no. Take me, not her.

Tommy Papouli No. No one cares if you die.

Frank Theodorakis Oh, thank god.

Tommy Papouli Help em find the money. Oh, and hey... 300 grand. Or you'll never see your daughter again.

Alex Johansen Mom! Dad! Help!

Carl Shackler Fuck you.

[raises his crooked middle finger at Scott, Kate, and Frank]

Alex Johansen Help!

Carl Shackler Fuck you.

Alex Johansen Let go of me.

Sisters

Request for Bathroom Access

Maura Ellis Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only.

Sisters

Embracing maturity over youthful trends

Maura Ellis We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42.

[the sisters are clothes shopping for the party]

Wet Hot American Summer

Authority and Chaos in Talent Show Planning

Susie Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...

[angry that Beth has invited Steve to take part in the talent show]

Ben Hmph!

Susie ...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my balls, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living hell! All right; I'll put him on last.

[after a long pause and a glare from Beth]

Beth Good.

Susie Oh, she always wins!

Mean Girls

Blame and Beauty in Unexpected Situations

Cady Regina! Wow, you look really beautiful.

Regina I'm wearing a spinal halo.

Cady Look, I'm really sorry about the bus. I feel like it's all my fault.

Regina Stop making this about you. I'm the one that got hit by the bus.

Cady I'm really sorry about all the other stuff, too.

Regina Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication right now. You know, Aaron really does like you. He's always talking about how unusual you are and it really pissed me off. Like this one time, I got this really expensive doll house from Germany, but I never played with it. So my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn't want it...

[Cady smiles]

Cady You begged your mom to let you keep it?

Regina No. I threw it down the stairs. I didn't want anyone else to have it. But that's just me.

[they giggle]

Mrs. George Regina! They're about to announce the queen. Hello.

[sees Cady]

Regina Can you believe my f-ing mom is here? Bye.

[they giggle; waves]

Memorable Quotes from Amy Poehler