Hamlet 2 - Provocative Comments on Theater and Controversy
Cricket Feldstein:
Well, this play is gonna bitch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a gangbang.
Dana Marschz:
Uh... yeah.
Cricket Feldstein:
Y'know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of dicks, cause all I ended up doing was giving you free publicity.
Dana Marschz:
Yeah, and did you see my dressing room? It has a bidet!
Elisabeth Shue:
That was a sink.
Dana Marschz:
It was?
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Hamlet 2 - Defiance Against Authority in Theatre
Cricket Feldstein:
No one is shutting down this play. The Justice Department and the so-called Supreme Court can suck my balls.
Dana Marschz:
Why do they have to do this?
Cricket Feldstein:
My balls?
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Hamlet 2 - Embracing Consequences in a Challenging Situation
Cricket Feldstein:
You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose!
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The House - Robbery Reveals Empty Safes and Tension
Tommy Papouli:
Where's the money?
Frank Theodorakis:
We just got robbed.
Scott Johansen:
Yeah.
Frank Theodorakis:
Look, the saves are all empty.
Tommy Papouli:
Do you know how many times I see someone point to any empty safe and say we have no money?
Frank Theodorakis:
A hundred?
Scott Johansen:
500?
Frank Theodorakis:
30,000.
Tommy Papouli:
It's rhetorical, fuckstick.
Frank Theodorakis:
Okay.
Tommy Papouli:
Shut up. This your daughter?
Scott Johansen:
Where? Who, her?
Tommy Papouli:
Right here.
Scott Johansen:
That's such a compliment. This is my wife.
Kate Johansen:
Alex?
Scott Johansen:
In fact, there's our daughter.
Kate Johansen:
There she is. Hello, daughter.
Scott Johansen:
Hi, honey.
Kate Johansen:
Don't overthink it, just be our daughter.
Scott Johansen:
Come right here.
Rachel:
I'm not your daughter, that's your--
Scott Johansen:
Sorry, Rachel!
Tommy Papouli:
The fuck's the matter with you?
Scott Johansen:
What?
Tommy Papouli:
Shoving a girl like that?
Scott Johansen:
We are strict diciplinarians in our household.
Tommy Papouli:
Get out of my way. I know this is your daughter.
Alex Johansen:
Mom!
Scott Johansen:
No, no, no!
Tommy Papouli:
Cuff her.
Scott Johansen:
Sweetie.
Alex Johansen:
Mom.
Kate Johansen:
Honey.
Scott Johansen:
No.
Frank Theodorakis:
Wait, no. Take me, not her.
Tommy Papouli:
No. No one cares if you die.
Frank Theodorakis:
Oh, thank god.
Tommy Papouli:
Help em find the money. Oh, and hey... 300 grand. Or you'll never see your daughter again.
Alex Johansen:
Mom! Dad! Help!
Carl Shackler: [raises his crooked middle finger at Scott, Kate, and Frank]
Fuck you.
Alex Johansen:
Help!
Carl Shackler:
Fuck you.
Alex Johansen:
Let go of me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The House - Confronting the Wrong Opponent
Kate Johansen: [Scott and Kate hold up their weapons to intimidate a bad driver]
Wrong couple to fuck with, pal!
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Wet Hot American Summer - A Promise to Reunite in Ten Years
Susie:
You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place.
Coop:
Me, too.
Ben:
Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
Lindsay:
Yeah!
Ben:
What time do you wanna meet?
J.J.:
You mean ten years from now?
Ben:
Yeah.
Coop:
Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
Susie:
Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?
Coop:
Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.
McKinley:
Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30? I mean, we're all gonna be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.
Gary:
Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?
Together:
Agreed.
McKinley:
Great, cause I have something at 11:00.
Gary:
You've just got like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?
McKinley:
No, I just, I have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Wet Hot American Summer - Authority and Chaos in Talent Show Planning
Susie: [angry that Beth has invited Steve to take part in the talent show]
Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...
Ben:
Hmph!
Susie: [after a long pause and a glare from Beth]
...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my balls, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living hell! All right; I'll put him on last.
Beth:
Good.
Susie:
Oh, she always wins!
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Wet Hot American Summer - Critique of Performative Authenticity
Susie:
OK, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys! God, am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it! Take a break! Think about what you've done.
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Wet Hot American Summer - Introduction to the Campers' Performance
Susie:
Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.
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Sisters - Need for Lotion in Unlikely Places
Old Patient:
I don't need lotion in there!
Maura Ellis:
Ssshh. Think you NEED lotion in there.
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Sisters - Request for Bathroom Access
Maura Ellis:
Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only.
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Sisters - Experiencing Tampons for the First Time
Maura Ellis: [[Tom Hanks]
Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, ].
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Sisters - Embracing maturity over youthful trends
Maura Ellis: [the sisters are clothes shopping for the party]
We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42.
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Blades of Glory - Reflecting on Lost Family Connections
Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
What's that, mother? You and father are sad that you were killed, driving Katie to her ice-skating lesson all those years ago? Yeah, me too.
Stranz Van Waldenberg:
Remember how they used to be alive?
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Mean Girls - Blame and Beauty in Unexpected Situations
Cady:
Regina! Wow, you look really beautiful.
Regina:
I'm wearing a spinal halo.
Cady:
Look, I'm really sorry about the bus. I feel like it's all my fault.
Regina:
Stop making this about you. I'm the one that got hit by the bus.
Cady:
I'm really sorry about all the other stuff, too.
Regina: [Cady smiles]
Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication right now. You know, Aaron really does like you. He's always talking about how unusual you are and it really pissed me off. Like this one time, I got this really expensive doll house from Germany, but I never played with it. So my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn't want it...
Cady:
You begged your mom to let you keep it?
Regina: [they giggle]
No. I threw it down the stairs. I didn't want anyone else to have it. But that's just me.
Mrs. George: [sees Cady]
Regina! They're about to announce the queen. Hello.
Regina: [they giggle; waves]
Can you believe my f-ing mom is here? Bye.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.