Memorable Quotes from Art LaFleur
5 quotesFrustration Over Past Glory and Current Performance
Jack Elliot
I don't believe this. I'm a World Series MVP!
Skip
That was four years ago, Jack.
Trey
You hit .235 last season.
Elliot
Last season? I led this club in 9th-inning doubles in the month of August! Screw it man, I don't wanna play where I'm not wanted here. What are my choices? I'm ready.
[throws off his cap]
Skip
There aren't exactly choices, Jack. We only had one taker so we... took.
[clears throat]
Trey
We called everyone, Jack, Canada...
Elliot
No, not Canada!
Skip
It goes without saying.
[as Elliot talks]
Elliot
I ain't paying those taxes!
Trey
It's not Canada.
[laughs]
Elliot
Not ]... No! Say it's not Cleveland!
[[w:Cleveland Indians|Cleveland]
Trey
Not Cleveland.
[looks at Skip]
Skip
We got a call from a manager in...
[clears throat]
Elliot
What?
Skip
...Japan.
Elliot
Japan?
Skip
Yes, the uh... chu-chey? chu?
Elliot
Hey.. Forget it!
Skip
Chunichi.
Elliot
No. I'm a Major Leaguer! There's no way I'm gonna play in Japan!
Skip
If you wanna play this season Jack, you're a Chunichi Dragon.
Elliot
A ]?
[[w:Chunichi Dragons|Chunichi Dragon]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Thanking Santa for His Hospitality
Mother Nature
Santa? Santa? Are you with us?
Scott
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.
Mother Nature
Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the entire Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.
Tooth Fairy
Hear, hear.
Easter Bunny
What a lovely place.
Cupid
Hear, hear.
Mother Nature
And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. Tooth Fairy.
[bangs gavel]
Tooth Fairy
Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to, again, propose a new name for myself.
Cupid
Come on!
Mother Nature
Good heavens!
Tooth Fairy
In the past, you have rejected "Tooth Man", "Tooth Guy" and "Tooth".
Cupid
Because they stunk.
Tooth Fairy
Today, I'd like to submit..."Captain Floss".
Cupid
Nice!
Tooth Fairy
Plaque Man".
Easter Bunny
D'oh!
Tooth Fairy
And "Roy".
Cupid
Roy". No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.
[laughs ironically]
Tooth Fairy
This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.
Scott
Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? "]
[[w:The Terminator|The Molinator.]
Tooth Fairy
The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator?
[raises his hand]
Mother Nature
All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? All right. And all opposed? Easter Bunny? Sandman?
[Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands; she and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand; Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down]
Sandman
What? W-What happened? Was I asleep again?
[snorts]
Mother Nature
Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes, or no?
Sandman
No. I'm sorry.
Mother Nature
All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.
Scott
Okay. Well, first off, welcome, you all, to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.
Easter Bunny
Oh! I love Charlie.
Father Time
Great kid.
Mother Nature
Good boy.
Sandman
Sweet kid.
Tooth Fairy
Good teeth.
Scott
Well, Charlie...got himself on the naughty list.
Tooth Fairy
What?
[shocked]
Mother Nature
Oh, my.
[shocked]
Scott
I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also gotta try to take care of Charlie, and--
Sandman
That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.
Easter Bunny
Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.
Scott
Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.
Easter Bunny
Hmm?
Scott
Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny
WHAT?!
Mother Nature
No!
Scott
The de-Santafication process has already begun.
Easter Bunny
Wait a minute. You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?
[hops to Santa]
Everyone
You're right. You're right.
Scott
Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.
Mother Nature
Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.
Scott
No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--
Father Time
27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.
Easter Bunny
Wow.
Father Time
It's what I do.
[chuckles]
Scott
Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.
Cupid
What do you need, pal?
Scott
Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?
Cupid
All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
Scott
Why not?
Cupid
Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, met a nice girl, left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.
Easter Bunny
Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.
Scott
I don't wanna stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny
Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.
Tooth Fairy
He's absolutely right.
Scott
This is all I wanna do. What am I gonna do?
Father Time
Well, y-y-- you can't be in two places at once.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgency for Control in Crisis Situation
Detective Monte
All we need is a little more time and we can get control of the situation!
[after trying to negotiate with the supermarket gunman]
Captain Sears
What control? Call the Cobra!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Dreams and Decisions
Coach
What's the problem?
Andy
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what are you doing?
[stops Austin with his hand]
Austin
I'm outta here.
Andy
What? You're throwing away your dream!
Austin
No, Dad, I'm throwing away yours. It's your game now. Go get em.
[turns to Ryan]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jack Frost's Charges and Misunderstandings
Mother Nature
Jack Frost, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii, you made it snow in the Amazon, and you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.
Jack
Oh.
[scoffs]
Mother Nature
You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack
Excuse me, did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious?
Scott
Oh, please.
Jack
Guilty as charged.
Father Time
Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.
Tooth Fairy
You're the best friend, not the leading man.
Easter Bunny
And you kill fruit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.