Memorable Quotes from Ben Stiller
100 quotesResisting Temptation in Relationships
Greg Focker
Nobody's tempted, nobody...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Among Historical Figures
Larry Daley
Hey! Guys! Hey, guys! Hey! Guys!
[snaps his fingers, which to Jed and Octavius the sound is deafening]
Jedediah and Octavius
Ow!
Larry Daley
Sorry. What's goin on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.
Octavius
We will never coexist with these buffoons!
Jedediah
We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!
Octavius
Ha! Those guns don't even work.
Jedediah
Oh, they don't? Take a look at this.
Octavius
Ay!
Jedediah
Don't kick me!
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The Complexity of Family Dynamics
Greg Focker
Hey, look at me, Jack. What am I? I am a frozen caveman! Study me, Jack! Learn how strange the Focker genetic code is! We are weird mutants who hug and kiss! We show emotion! Jack must learn from us, and chip away with his hammer of truth! Wooga-booga!
[into Jack's spy-camera, during end credits; gruff voice; growls]
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Embracing Identity: The Tale of the Hippo
Claude
It's like zee story of zee heeppo.
Reuben Feffer
I'm not familiar with that story.
Claude
Zee heeppopotamoose, he is not born saying, "Cool beans. I am a heeppo." No way, Joesay. So he try to paint zee stripe on him to be like zee zebra, but he fool no one. Then he try to put zee spot on zee skin to be like the leopard, but everyboody know he is a heeppo. So, at certain point, he look himself in zee mirror and he just say, "Hey. I am a heeppopotamoose and zere is nothing I can do about it." As soon as he accepts zis, he live life happy. Happy as a heeppo. You understand zis, Luban?
Reuben Feffer
I'm gonna kill you!
[long pause]
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Globo Gym Purple Cobras' Confidence and Determination
White Goodman
We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!
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Understanding Life's True Priorities
Jack Byrnes
Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. Do you know what that is?
Greg Focker
Love, friendship... just love, I think.
Jack Byrnes
His legacy.
Greg Focker
That, too.
Jack Byrnes
If your family's circle joins in my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.
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A Challenge to Compete in Dodgeball
White Goodman
Ball me, Blazer.
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Reflecting on Spirituality and Self-Reflection
Greg Focker
Our dear friend the Buddha? How's he doing? It's been so long. Do you ever listen to yourself?
[''sarcastically'']
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Selfish Ambition and Its Consequences
Derek Zoolander
Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?
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Generational Differences in Perception and Sensitivity
Roger Greenberg
The thing about you kids is that you're all kind of insensitive. I'm glad I grew up when I did cause your parents were too perfect at parenting- all that baby ] and ] songs; you're just so sincere and interested in things! There's a confidence in you guys that's horrifying. You're all ] and ]. You wouldn't know ] if it bit you in the ass, and it makes you mean. You say things to someone like me who's older and smarter with this light air... I'm freaked out by you kids. I hope I die before I end up meeting one of you in a job interview.
[[Mozart; [w:Dan Zanes|Dan Zanes; [w:Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder predominantly inattentive|ADD; [w:Carpal tunnel syndrome|carpal tunnel; [w:agoraphobia|agoraphobia]
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Clarifying Meaning in Conversation
Greg Focker
Not in *any* sense of word.
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Accusations of Involvement in a Crime
Lawrence Isabella
I haven't done anything illegal.
Truman Gates
Oh really? Well I had an interesting talk with a fellow last night who claims different. My man says you were in the back of the truck when my brother was killed.
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Convenience and Timing in Competition
White Goodman
Well, isn't that convenient for you... and the clock!
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Mutual Awareness and Understanding
White Goodman
I know you, you know you, and I know you know that I know you.
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Unexpected Revelation from Greg Focker
Greg Focker
Well, I got good news for you. You're not ].
[[Jesus]
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The Key to Happiness and Love
Larry Daley
You know how you were telling me that the key to happiness was something, but then the sun came up? I think I figured it out. It's doing what you love, with the people you love, isn't it?
Teddy Roosevelt
Well, I was going to say physical exercise, but the love thing's good, too.
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Questioning the Idea of Favoritism
Greg Focker
What are you talking about? You were his golden boy.
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Acceptance in Uncertain Circumstances
Greg Focker
Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood.
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Transforming Self-Image Through Cosmetic Surgery
White Goodman
Of course you'll still be yourself in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive you than you could ever become without us. And with our competitively priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning, into a Franken Fine!
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Preparation for a Night at the Museum
Cecil
Larry. Your keys, your torch.
Larry Daley
Right.
Cecil
You're gonna wanna strap those to your belt. Now, it can get a little spooky around here at night, so you might wanna put a few lights on. All right, flashlight, keys. What am I for...? Oh. The instruction manual.
Gus
Instructions. You start with one, two, three...
Larry Daley
Four?
Gus
Are you crackin wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, hopscotch.
Reginald
Leave him alone, Gus. You got it covered, right, Larry?
Larry Daley
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Gus
You better get it!
Cecil
Gus. Larry, do them in order, do them all and do them quick. And the most important thing of all to remember: don't let anything in or out.
Larry Daley
Out?
Cecil
Good luck, son.
Larry Daley
Night, Gus.
Gus
Young buck, crackin wise.
Cecil
Moving on.
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Art Opening and Personal Confessions
Reuben Feffer
So whose party is this again?
Sandy Lyle
It's an art opening for this Dutch guy, Jost. His art sucks, but he used to sell me really good pot.
[pause]
Sandy Lyle
Oh, man, I'm so friggin horny.
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Confrontation Over Betrayal and Throw Pillows
Reuben Feffer
No, Lisa. I never should've asked you to come down here. I'm not going back together with you.
Lisa Kramer
What are you talking about? Why?
Reuben Feffer
Why?" You screwed a scuba diving instructor on our honeymoon. I mean, what kind of cold heartless bitch would do that to someone they love. I'd have to be an idiot to get back together with you after that. Oh, and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows. Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay. They serve no purpose, they're purely decorative.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Misunderstanding About Professional Credentials
Greg Focker
He's not a doctor.
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The Illusion of Freedom in America
Larry Daley
I'm sorry. Last time I checked, I thought we lived in a free country. So...
Brundon
No, we don't.
Larry Daley
No?
Brundon
It's the United States of "Don't Touch That Thing Right in Front of You.
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The Pain of Adulthood and Freedom
Roger Greenberg
It's the harder, more painful decision to stay free but that's what adulthood is.
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Uncomfortable Conversations with Family Members
Greg Focker
Mom, I'm truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been telling you that since I was eleven.
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Ancient Pharaoh Declares His Return to Life
Kahmunrah
I am Kahmunrah, the great king of the great kings, and from the darkest depths of ancient history. I have come BACK to life!
Larry Daley
Uh-huh.
[Awkwardly]
Kahmunrah
Perhaps you did not hear what I just said. I am a centuries-old Egyptian Pharaoh. I was dead, but now I have come BACK to life!
Larry Daley
Yeah, no. I heard that. I got that. Welcome back.
Kahmunrah
Who are you?
[baffled and stammering]
Larry Daley
I'm Larry. Larry Daley. I own Daley Devices. It's up in New York. It's funny, I actually know your brother, Ahkmenrah.
Kahmunrah
Oh, he knows baby brother. The favorite son.
Larry Daley
Yeah, good kid.
Kahmunrah
Oh, isn't he just. You know, mother and father always gave him the best of everything, and I do mean everything. They even gave him the throne. The throne which was rightfully MINE!
Larry Daley
Oh, he never mentioned that...
Kahmunrah
No, I bet he didn't. Well, now begins the era of Kahmunrah, because I have come BACK to... Never mind, just hand me the Tablet.
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Meeting Between Roosevelt and the Night Guard
Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of these United States of America, at your service.
Larry Daley
Okay. I'm Larry, the new night guard...
Roosevelt
Pleasure to meet you, Lawrence! Now, if you excuse me , the hunt is afoot.
[cocks shotgun]
Larry Daley
Hunt's afoot.
[mutters]
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Defining the Circle of Trust
Greg Focker
Circle of Trust.
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Dinner Invitation and Relationship Dynamics
Polly Prince
I'm not going to marry you Reuben.
Reuben Feffer
I don't want to get married. I just want to take you to dinner...sometime this week.
Polly Prince
Can I pick the place?
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Uncertainty in Plans Between Friends
Roger Greenberg
I'll take you to it.
Florence Marr
How's that gonna work? Am I going to drive you to take me?
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Perception of Abundance and Its Disappearance
Alex Rose
I could have sworn we had more stuff.
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Globo Gym's Confidence in Superiority
White Goodman
Here at Globo Gym, we're better than you. And we know it.
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Balancing Duties and Personal Aspirations
Alex Rose
Besides, how can I have time to rewrite my novel and still do my faithful servant duty to her as her little indentured servant person. Her little butt boy. I mean, I got a lot of duties, honey. She might need me to go out and count grapes with her, or help her fix her heater, or go take her to the laundry, or I got to go help her clean her banana skins, or I got to go clean out her garbage, and I got to go help her fill her monthlies out, or go and wipe her ass! God forbid she have any shit hanging off her ass! Because then I have to run up there double time like a little bunny, and I have to go up there with my little tissue and I have to go wipe her little ass and then I have to say, "Oh, good for you, Mrs. Connelly. Good for you for having such a nice little poopie. What's that? You've got some poopie on your diapey? Well let me clean it off—with my tongue!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Beyond Looks: A Lesson in Life
Derek Zoolander
At the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.
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Request for a Clean Fork
Roger Greenberg
Can I get another scotch?
Ivan Schrank
That's the busboy.
Roger Greenberg
Then can I get another fork? This one has food on it.
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Imitation of Sincerity in Personal Identity
Josh Schrebnick
It's like... he once saw a sincere person and he's been imitating him ever since.
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A Conversation About Taking Risks
Bob
When are you gonna take the plunge and knock a few out?
Evan
Well, it's not that simple.
Bob
Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina. You know what I mean? Make it happen.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding of Size and Conflict
Larry Daley
Oh, my...
[sees the miniature knights]
Octavius
Prepare the catapults.
Jedediah
Whoa, Octavius, hold on! This ain't your fight! This here giant's on our land!
Larry Daley
Hey, hey, little guy. Jed. Yeah. Sorry. Look, I just... I'm not a giant, okay? I'm just like an average size.
Jedediah
Don't talk down to me.
Larry Daley
I'm not a giant, guys. All right? You guys are really little.
[to the miniature knights]
Octavius
We may be small. But our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.
Larry Daley
Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying you're miniatures.
Octavius
Silence! The Roman Empire knows no boundaries.
Jedediah
Don't you do it, son.
Larry Daley
Do what?
Jedediah
Octavius!
Larry Daley
Don't do what?
Octavius
UNLEASH HELL!!!
Jedediah
D'oh!
Knight
FIRE!
Teddy Roosevelt
Climb aboard, boy. Take the hand, son. On board.
[reaches his hand; Larry climbs on Teddy's horse]
Jedediah
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN, BOY! YOU HEAR JEDEDIAH?! THAT MUSTACHIOED HORSEMAN AIN'T ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE TO PROTECT YOU! YOU HEAR ME?!
[calling out to Larry]
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Unfulfilled Desires and Relationship Confusion
Florence Marr
We're not really even dating... and we're seeing other people. I'm not seeing anyone...
Roger Greenberg
Neither am I!... But I want to.
Florence Marr
Who?
Roger Greenberg
I don't know! Anyone. I'm doing nothing, I'm not tied to anyone. How many times do we have to go over it. Jesus! I should be with a divorced 38 year old who has teenage kids and low expectations about life. I don't wanna fucking do this anymore. God!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Addressing Relationship Concerns with Confidence
Greg Focker
To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that.
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Debate Over Plans and Spontaneity
Reuben Feffer
You're on the non-plan plan!
Polly Prince
I am NOT on the non-plan plan!
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A Shared Desire for Chocolate Treats
Dainty
Hey kid, would you like a Hershey bar?
Jim
Oh yes please Dainty!
Dainty
So would I kid. Have you got one?
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Critique of Starbucks' Cultural Impact
Roger Greenberg
Dear Starbucks, in your attempt to manufacture culture out of fast food coffee you've been surprisingly successful for the most part. The part that isn't covered by the most part sucks.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity About Age in Duplex Scene
Alex Rose
I wonder how old she is.
Nancy Kendricks
My guess is that she's somewhere between 95 and 105.
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A Confident Challenge in Las Vegas
White Goodman
Good luck losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur!
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Evolved Perspectives on Forgiveness and Understanding
Larry Daley
Okay, Dexter. No hard feelings, okay?
Teddy
Lawrence...
[threatening]
Larry Daley
But... you saw!
Teddy
Who is evolved?
Larry Daley
I am...
[muttering]
Teddy
Who is evolved?
Larry Daley
I am!
Teddy Roosevelt
Good.
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Concerns About Health and Time Perspective
Derek Zoolander
Who's winning the match?
Larry Zoolander
State.
Derek Zoolander
I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well-ventilated down there.
[coughs]
Larry Zoolander
For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.
[Luke and Scrappy look at each other]
Derek Zoolander
Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty.
[He swims offscreen as the patrons laugh]
Larry Zoolander
Why did you have to come back to this damn...town?
Derek Zoolander
I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.
[Gets up and looks at his father]
Larry Zoolander
With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hangin out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me... than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander
Mer-man. Mer-MAN! Who am I?
[high-pitched cough; Derek leaves. He goes outside and looks up at the stars]
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The Power of Ignoring Words
Derek Zoolander
Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!
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Reflections on Youth and Life's Value
Ivan Schrank
Youth is wasted on the young.
Roger Greenberg
I'd go further. I'd go: Life is wasted on people.
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Misunderstanding a Historical Figure's Identity
Larry Daley
Ah — ].
[[Teddy Roosevelt]
Rebecca
Yes. A great visionary.
Larry Daley
Yes, definitely. He was our 4th president, right?
Rebecca
26th.
Larry Daley
26th.
Dr. McPhee
Please don't touch the exhibits! I mean, riffraff. Mrs. Hutman, I cannot tolerate this type of chaos. I mean, this is a museum, not a... Do you know what museum means? It doesn't mean, "Ooh, Daddy, it's a big tyrannosaurus thing. Can I touch its leg?" No! It... Work it out, please.
Rebecca
Will do, sir.
Dr. McPhee
Thank you.
Rebecca
Dr. McPhee, our museum director.
Larry Daley
Hmm, seems like a fun guy.
Dr. McPhee
Control your young, please! Can we? Oh!
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Questioning the Purpose of Scale
Derek Zoolander
What is this? A center for ants?
[smashes the model for the reading center]
Mugatu
What?
Derek Zoolander
How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu
Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander
I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Mugatu
He's absolutely right you know.
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Embracing Surprise in Life's Journey
Josh Schrebnick
I've learned along the way you can discover more by allowing yourself to be surprised by what you encounter.
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Derek Zoolander Questions Group's Actions
Derek Zoolander
What are they doing?
Derek Zoolander
Guys, NO!
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A Son's Farewell to His Mother
Tugg Speedman
Goodbye Momma! Now you can have ice cream in heaven! I'll see you tonight when I go to bed, in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!
[as Simple Jack]
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Navigating Relationships and Expectations
Florence Marr
I just got out of a long relationship and I don't want to go from just having sex to just having sex to just having sex.
Roger Greenberg
Who's the third just having sex'?
Florence Marr
You. If we had sex.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns Over Parenting Choices and Teething Remedies
Jack Byrnes
I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker
It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes
What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker
Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes
It was your idea?
Roz Focker
Yes.
Jack Byrnes
What is wrong with you people?!
Bernie Focker
You people?
Dina Byrnes
I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes
Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker
Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes
He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.
Roz Focker
The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker
Mom...
Jack Byrnes
What are you saying?
Roz Focker
I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.
Jack Byrnes
And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes
Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.
Jack Byrnes
I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker
Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes
The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frustrated]
Roz Focker
Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?
Greg Focker
Mom, stop.
Bernie Focker
Key question!
Roz Focker
My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes
Would you spare me the drugstore psychology?
Greg Focker
Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
[everyone starts arguing; the arguing stops]
Jack
Oh, that's it! Greg just said that's it, so I feel much better now.
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A Humorous Take on Love and Relationships
Greg Focker
Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.
[high on Truth Serum, giving a speech]
Pam Byrnes
Love you, baby!
[blows kiss]
Greg Focker
I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather em up with soap and... rub my face in em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry for you being perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'ma looking, and I'm-a LIKIN... In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet, sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabel.
[drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses; blabbers incoherently; sees Jorge]
Pam Byrnes
Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.
Greg Focker
No, no, no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.
Pam Byrnes
Please... sit.
Greg Focker
We conceived a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. This is the fruit of my loins. Come on! Search your feelings, Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. Oh, and Jack? PAM'S PREGNANT. Focker out!
[everyone applauds; Pam gasps in horror; falls backward and passing out]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Deeper Meaning of Beauty and Life
Derek Zoolander
Maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fashion's Influence on History and Politics
J.P. Prewitt
The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.
Matilda
Okay, that is impossible.
J.P. Prewitt
Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders?
Derek Zoolander
Mugatu?
J.P. Prewitt
Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a ], ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured ] slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time.
[[w:United States embargo against Cuba|trade embargo on Cuba; [w:Sansabelt|Sansabelt]
Matilda
Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model!
J.P. Prewitt
You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Observations on Maturity and Appearance
Roger Greenberg
All the men out here dress like children and the kids dress like superheroes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Challenge Accepted: Prepare for Humiliation
White Goodman
Cram it up your cram hole, LaFleur! Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Youthfulness and Innocence in Perspective
Josh Schrebnick
He's not evil. He's just young.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflecting on Past Transformation and Change
White Goodman
That's me, six years and six-hundred pounds ago.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Rodent Encounter in the House
Reuben Feffer
(yelps) Rat! Rat in the house!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Defiance in the Face of Injury
White Goodman
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Challenge of Believing the Unbelievable
Cecil
We're too old for surprises.
Larry Daley
Really? I thought you liked surprises! Especially the fact that everything in the museum comes to life at night! That little... sweetheart.
Cecil
Larry, we wanted to tell you. You never would have believed us.
Larry Daley
Do you have any idea what I've been through tonight?
Gus
What?
Larry Daley
I said, do you have any idea what I've been through tonight, Gus?
Gus
Keep a lid on it, butterscotch!
Larry Daley
I don't even know if what happened was real or not, but I did not sign up for this. I just need a regular job that... that is not life-threatening and pays my bills. So thank you very much, and I left my uniform in the office, and I will be seeing you.
Gus
Larry! Bah.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Distinctive Sounds and Miscommunication in Duplex
Alex Rose
I'm sorry, I don't hear anything.
Mrs. Connelly
It was very distinctive. The pipes went "bang bang, bangety bang bang…bang, bang.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kahmunrah's Threat and Demand for Cooperation
Kahmunrah
Tell me the combination and give me the tablet right now or I shall KILL all of your friends starting with this little shaggy-headed little cowman here!
Jedediah
I ain't shaggy-headed! Gigantor, let me take this guy!
Larry Daley
Don't worry, I got this handled. You don't wanna give me my friends, then you're not gonna get your combination or your Tablet.
[to Kahmunrah]
Kahmunrah
Alright, I'll tell you what, alright. They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy for nothing, alright? Here you go.. They DIDN'T call me Kahmunrah the trustworthy! They called me Kahmunrah the BLOODTHIRSTY, who kills whoever doesn't give Kahmunrah exactly what he wants in the moment that he wants it, which is RIGHT NOW, when I had also better get the combination and the Tablet!
[starts to hand him the hourglass; jerks it back]
Larry Daley
That's what they called you?
Kahmunrah
It was shorter in Egyptian.
Larry Daley
Great, well, I'll give you the combination after you give him back!
[reaches for the tablet]
Kahmunrah
How dare you! If you touch that again I shall kill you right now. Do not touch this. This is a No-Touching zone!
[makes a line in front of the hourglass with his hand]
Larry Daley
Good, well, then...
[reaches for it]
Kahmunrah
Oh my GOD! I can't believe you reached across like that again! I can't even believe it! Oh, God! I want to kill you right now! If you didn't know this combination, you would be so dead right now, it would be unbelievable!
Larry Daley
Great, well, I do know the combination...
Kahmunrah
DON'T CROSS THIS LINE with your hand!
[making a line with his arm]
Kahmunrah
How dare you! If you speak again, if you SPEAK AGAIN, I'm going to kill you! Do you understand this? Don't say it! Oh, God I see you getting ready! Oh, my GOD! Don't say anything! Now, give me that Tablet and tell me the combination.
Larry Daley
Alright, after you give me Jed and release my friends.
[reaches for the hourglass]
Kahmunrah
You did all three! You spoke and you reached your hand across!
[he freaks out]
Larry Daley
Look, I can talk to you about this all night!
Kahmunrah
How about this? How about I DON'T kill you, like I really, really want to, and I give you precisely five seconds to hand over that Tablet and tell me the combination?
Al Capone
We already got the combination! It's pi. 3.14159265! This little guy sang. Oh did he sing? Like a canary!
[coming in carrying Einstein]
Einstein Bobblehead
Sorry, Larry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Arrival and Mixed Reactions
Bob
What the fuck is he doing here?
Evan
It's ok he saved us!
Franklin
Ya he came in here jackin dicks left and right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Genetic Disorders and Personal Responsibility
White Goodman
Here at Globo Gym we understand that ugliness and fatness are genetic disorders, like baldness or necrophilia, and it's your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Desire for Intensity and Challenge
White Goodman
Turn it up high Reggie, I wanna burn.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Definition of a Macaw
Alex Rose
"Macaw: any long tailed, brightly-colored parrot." A macaw is a parrot, I knew it!
[''reading a dictionary entry'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Manipulation by a Crafty Character
Alex Rose
She just manipulated me somehow. She's very crafty. She's a crafty old…lady.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Exclamation of Frustration
Alex Rose
Blow me down!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Beverage Suggestion for Clarity
Brint
You know what would help you sort through these important issues?
Derek Zoolander
What?
Brint, Meekus, and Rufus
ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Value of Brotherhood and Life
Derek Zoolander
Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we, too, can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Anticipation of Reputation and Expectations
Lawrence Isabella
I've heard a lot about you.
Joey Rosselini
Yeah? Good things, I hope.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Over Derek Zoolander's Modeling Career
Maury
For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!
Mugatu
Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!
[interrupting Maury; To the Malaysian Prime Minister; Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia]
Derek Zoolander
One look? One look?! I don't think so!
[Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp]
Hansel
There it is!
Todd
MAGNUM!
Larry Zoolander
Holy moley!
[Watching on TV]
Maury
Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!
Mugatu
Dear God...it's beautiful!
[The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Night Guard's Return to Duty
Reginald
Hey, Larry.
Larry Daley
So, I was thinking maybe I'll give it one more night.
Cecil
I'm glad you came around. Welcome back.
Dr. McPhee
You! New night guard, here, now.
Larry Daley
What's up?
Dr. McPhee
What's up?" Oh. Well, take a walk with me, and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up". Come on. So, would you kindly do me the favor of explaining this?
Larry Daley
Ooh. Okay. I'm guessing and I'm just spitballing here but looks like that Roman dude got cocky and climbed over into the Wild West. And that cowboy knows the Roman dude wants to take over his territory, so he rounded up a posse and put him in the stockade.
Dr. McPhee
Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. "No", is the answer. Sarcasm back at ya with your... humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?
[laughs sarcastically]
Larry Daley
No. I don't want a... No, I don't want a battle of humor.
Dr. McPhee
No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Bighorn. No. I find it about as funny as a "fancist". It's not funny. Okay? And I will not stand for this type of blatant... If I'm not clear, tell me. Am I clear?
Larry Daley
Yeah.
Dr. McPhee
Yeah.
Larry Daley
Hey, Cecil. You got an extra copy of that instruction manual?
Cecil
Oh, no, I'm afraid not, Larry. Listen, I'll tell you what you do. Read some books. Brush up on your history. Helped me a lot when I first started out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation with Humor and Sarcasm
White Goodman
Go on and make your jokes Mr Jokey... Joke-maker!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity in the Night Museum Encounter
Kahmunrah
What are you?
[last words; defeated by Larry]
Larry Daley
I'm the night guard.
[pushes Kahmunrah into the Underworld]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Watchful Eye on Each Other
Greg Focker
Yeah, well I have eyes too. So I'll be watching you... watching me.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggling with the Present and the Past
Florence Marr
You like old things.
Roger Greenberg
A shrink said to me once that I have trouble living in the present, so I linger on the past because I felt like I never really lived it in the first place, you know?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion on Hansel's Hair Styling
Brint
Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
Meekus
Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!
Brint
I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
Meekus
Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
Brint
Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that!
Meekus
Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!
Brint
I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
Meekus
Uh, Earth to Brint...
Derek Zoolander
Would you guys stop it already?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Joy of Pursuing Passions
Amelia Earhart
Do you know why I became a pilot?
Larry Daley
I have no idea.
Amelia
For the fun of it. Why else would anyone do anything?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embarrassment Over Unwanted Parental Knowledge
Alex Rose
It's horrible. My parents read this magazine. Now they know my penis is called Mr. Peabody!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Housewarming Gift and Conversation
Alex Rose
We brought you this little housewarming gift.
[''gives Mrs. Connelly a bottle of wine'']
Mrs. Connelly
Oh, that's very kind of you, thank you. I'll open it for you. I don't drink myself, it's a sin.
Alex Rose
Irish Catholics don't drink?
[''to Nancy'']
Mrs. Connelly
Sit down, dears, sit down! I brought ya a little something to nibble on as well.
Alex Rose
Oh, Bugles. Wow, I didn't realise they even still made Bugles.
Mrs. Connelly
Come along, dear, it's French onion.
[''offering Alex a Bugle dipped in French onion dip'']
Alex Rose
Magnificent parrot.
[''nibbles while looking at Bugles box; sees expiration date reads "October 1997"'']
Mrs. Connelly
It's not a parrot, dear. He's a macaw. He's named after my late husband, Richard. I've had Little Dick for forty years. Now tell me about yourselves. What do you do, Allen?
[''Alex and Nancy smile'']
Alex Rose
Alex.
[''correcting her'']
Nancy Kendricks
Alex is a writer.
Mrs. Connelly
Oh, a writer. I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job. I suppose I'm forgettin about Joyce.
Alex Rose
Joyce, James Joyce, of course. Wonderful writer.
Mrs. Connelly
He died drunk and penniless.
Nancy Kendricks
Well, Alex's first novel was published in hardback, and he's just about to finish his second one.
Mrs. Connelly
Oh, what's it about?
Alex Rose
Well, I like to call it an urban epic. It's about three generations of this family in New York that own a printing press, and I tell a story mainly about—
Mrs. Connelly
Oh, that's nice. Let me give you a refill. Big Dick had the taste, too. He was a seaman. The drink took him from me in 1963. We'd been married for 58 years.
[''bored, cutting him off''; ''Nancy counts silently'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gym Ownership and Amenities Comparison
White Goodman
My gym has shareholders, yours haven't even got... cupholders!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Critique of a Gym's Reputation
White Goodman
Your "gym" is a skid-mark on the underpants of society.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Situation Causes Urgency in Conversation
Sandy Lyle
Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
Reuben Feffer
No. Can we stay a couple more minutes, please?
Sandy Lyle
Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
Reuben Feffer
I don't know what that means.
Sandy Lyle
I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
Reuben Feffer
You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication and Responsibility in the Workplace
Larry Daley
Excuse me? Mr. McPhee? Excuse me, Mr. McPhee? Can I talk to you about this, please, sir?
Dr. McPhee
What?
Larry Daley
I know that I screwed up, but I think I finally understand how to do this job.
Dr. McPhee
You obviously don't. That's the point.
Larry Daley
No, I didn't, but now I do. Really, Mr. McPhee, if you just give me one...
Dr. McPhee
Doctor.
Larry Daley
Dr. McPhee, just... Can you please give me one more night?
Dr. McPhee
One more night.
Larry Daley
Okay, thank you.
Dr. McPhee
And if anything is the tiniest after your shift... Because...
Larry Daley
Got it.
Dr. McPhee
Okay?
Larry Daley
Okay.
Dr. McPhee
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
Larry Daley
Shame on me. Fool me... Shame on me.
Dr. McPhee
You.
Larry Daley
Fool me twice... Got it.
Dr. McPhee
Take it or leave it.
Larry Daley
Okay, thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning a Surprising Statement
Greg Focker
Really? He said that to you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Breaking Free from Work Relationships
White Goodman
Let's not find ourselves shackled by the bonds of employer-employee relations. Unless of course you're into that sort of thing, in which case I got some shackles in the back. Just kidding. But seriously, I've got em.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Recognition of Past Achievements
Evan
Wait a second. I've seen this stuff before.
[Looking at green gunge]
Franklin
Had you just won a Kids choice award?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Irony of Freedom of Information
White Goodman
It's called the Freedom of Information Act for a reason. The hippies finally got something right. Just kidding. But not really.
[When asked how he knew where Kate lived]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mocking Intellectualism in Sports Commentary
White Goodman
Oh, now he's a philoso-phizer.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Taking Charge: A Metaphor for Leadership
White Goodman
Yeah, that's me taking the bull by the horns, it's how I like to run my business. It's a metaphor. But that actually happened though.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Truth Behind White Goodman's Confidence
White Goodman
I earned this body, and I built this temple with nothing more than some elbow grease and a little can-do attitude... and yes, a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Illusion of Wealth in Reality
White Goodman
I don't know if you've ever seen a hundred thousand dollars before, except perhaps in the movies. But I can assure you, something gets lost in the translation.
[opens briefcase revealing single stack of bills]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.