Ben StillerQuotes

Roger Greenberg: Can I get another scotch?

Ivan Schrank: That's the busboy.

Roger Greenberg: Then can I get another fork? This one has food on it.

Florence Marr: We're not really even dating... and we're seeing other people. I'm not seeing anyone...

Roger Greenberg: Neither am I!... But I want to.

Florence Marr: Who?

Roger Greenberg: I don't know! Anyone. I'm doing nothing, I'm not tied to anyone. How many times do we have to go over it. Jesus! I should be with a divorced 38 year old who has teenage kids and low expectations about life. I don't wanna fucking do this anymore. God!

Roger Greenberg: Wish it wasn't too late to get my medical degree.

Ivan Schrank: It's not too late.

Roger Greenberg: I'd be over 50 by the time I graduated.

Ivan Schrank: What is it? Four years, right?

Roger Greenberg: Yeah, but I know myself. I'd procrastinate, take time off. Eight years at best. Who's gonna hire a 49... Let's just call it 50. A 50-year-old vet?

Ivan Schrank: I'm confused. Are you going to vet school or regular medical school?

Roger Greenberg: Neither, clearly.

Florence Marr: I just got out of a long relationship and I don't want to go from just having sex to just having sex to just having sex.

Roger Greenberg: Who's the third just having sex'?

Florence Marr: You. If we had sex.

Roger Greenberg: I'll take you to it.

Florence Marr: How's that gonna work? Am I going to drive you to take me?

Florence Marr: You like old things.

Roger Greenberg: A shrink said to me once that I have trouble living in the present, so I linger on the past because I felt like I never really lived it in the first place, you know?

Ivan Schrank: Youth is wasted on the young.

Roger Greenberg: I'd go further. I'd go: Life is wasted on people.

Roger Greenberg: It's the harder, more painful decision to stay free but that's what adulthood is.

Roger Greenberg: All the men out here dress like children and the kids dress like superheroes.

Roger Greenberg: Dear Starbucks, in your attempt to manufacture culture out of fast food coffee you've been surprisingly successful for the most part. The part that isn't covered by the most part sucks.

Roger Greenberg: [[Mozart; [w:Dan Zanes|Dan Zanes; [w:Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder predominantly inattentive|ADD; [w:Carpal tunnel syndrome|carpal tunnel; [w:agoraphobia|agoraphobia] The thing about you kids is that you're all kind of insensitive. I'm glad I grew up when I did cause your parents were too perfect at parenting- all that baby ] and ] songs; you're just so sincere and interested in things! There's a confidence in you guys that's horrifying. You're all ] and ]. You wouldn't know ] if it bit you in the ass, and it makes you mean. You say things to someone like me who's older and smarter with this light air... I'm freaked out by you kids. I hope I die before I end up meeting one of you in a job interview.

Bob: When are you gonna take the plunge and knock a few out?

Evan: Well, it's not that simple.

Bob: Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina. You know what I mean? Make it happen.

Bob: What the fuck is he doing here?

Evan: It's ok he saved us!

Franklin: Ya he came in here jackin dicks left and right.

Evan: [Looking at green gunge] Wait a second. I've seen this stuff before.

Franklin: Had you just won a Kids choice award?

White Goodman: We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!

White Goodman: I know you, you know you, and I know you know that I know you.

White Goodman: Turn it up high Reggie, I wanna burn.

White Goodman: [opens briefcase revealing single stack of bills] I don't know if you've ever seen a hundred thousand dollars before, except perhaps in the movies. But I can assure you, something gets lost in the translation.

White Goodman: Of course you'll still be yourself in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive you than you could ever become without us. And with our competitively priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning, into a Franken Fine!

White Goodman: Well, isn't that convenient for you... and the clock!

White Goodman: Your "gym" is a skid-mark on the underpants of society.

White Goodman: I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas silver.

White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym, we're better than you. And we know it.

White Goodman: I earned this body, and I built this temple with nothing more than some elbow grease and a little can-do attitude... and yes, a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman.

White Goodman: Go on and make your jokes Mr Jokey... Joke-maker!

White Goodman: My gym has shareholders, yours haven't even got... cupholders!

White Goodman: Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!

White Goodman: [When asked how he knew where Kate lived] It's called the Freedom of Information Act for a reason. The hippies finally got something right. Just kidding. But not really.

White Goodman: Let's not find ourselves shackled by the bonds of employer-employee relations. Unless of course you're into that sort of thing, in which case I got some shackles in the back. Just kidding. But seriously, I've got em.

White Goodman: Yeah, that's me taking the bull by the horns, it's how I like to run my business. It's a metaphor. But that actually happened though.

White Goodman: I can be naughty too. Really freaky naughty... you a naughty freak?

White Goodman: Good luck losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur!

White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we understand that ugliness and fatness are genetic disorders, like baldness or necrophilia, and it's your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.

White Goodman: That's me, six years and six-hundred pounds ago.

White Goodman: Cram it up your cram hole, LaFleur! Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.

White Goodman: Oh, now he's a philoso-phizer.

White Goodman: Ball me, Blazer.

Lawrence Isabella: I haven't done anything illegal.

Truman Gates: Oh really? Well I had an interesting talk with a fellow last night who claims different. My man says you were in the back of the truck when my brother was killed.

Lawrence Isabella: I've heard a lot about you.

Joey Rosselini: Yeah? Good things, I hope.

Greg Focker: [high on Truth Serum, giving a speech] Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.

Pam Byrnes: [blows kiss] Love you, baby!

Greg Focker: [drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses; blabbers incoherently; sees Jorge] I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather em up with soap and... rub my face in em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry for you being perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'ma looking, and I'm-a LIKIN... In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet, sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabel.

Pam Byrnes: Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.

Greg Focker: No, no, no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.

Pam Byrnes: Please... sit.

Greg Focker: [everyone applauds; Pam gasps in horror; falls backward and passing out] We conceived a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. This is the fruit of my loins. Come on! Search your feelings, Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. Oh, and Jack? PAM'S PREGNANT. Focker out!

Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.

Jack Byrnes: What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?

Roz Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?!

Bernie Focker: You people?

Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

Greg Focker: Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his development.

Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

Greg Focker: Mom...

Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?

Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here. And I've got news for you, Jack,. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.

Jack Byrnes: And I have news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiancee.

Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

Roz Focker: Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

Jack Byrnes: [Greg is getting extremely frustrated] The Little Jack in me?

Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed?

Greg Focker: Mom, stop.

Bernie Focker: Key question!

Roz Focker: My guess is no.

Jack Byrnes: Would you spare me the drugstore psychology?

Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing; the arguing stops] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP! Okay?! Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying, so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

Jack: Oh, that's it! Greg just said that's it, so I feel much better now.

Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. Do you know what that is?

Greg Focker: Love, friendship... just love, I think.

Jack Byrnes: His legacy.

Greg Focker: That, too.

Jack Byrnes: If your family's circle joins in my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.

Greg Focker: [into Jack's spy-camera, during end credits; gruff voice; growls] Hey, look at me, Jack. What am I? I am a frozen caveman! Study me, Jack! Learn how strange the Focker genetic code is! We are weird mutants who hug and kiss! We show emotion! Jack must learn from us, and chip away with his hammer of truth! Wooga-booga!

Greg Focker: Mom, I'm truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been telling you that since I was eleven.

Alex Rose:   I'm sorry, I don't hear anything.

Mrs. Connelly:   It was very distinctive.  The pipes went "bang bang, bangety bang bang…bang, bang.

Alex Rose:   I wonder how old she is.

Nancy Kendricks:   My guess is that she's somewhere between 95 and 105.

Alex Rose: [''gives Mrs. Connelly a bottle of wine'']   We brought you this little housewarming gift. 

Mrs. Connelly:   Oh, that's very kind of you, thank you.  I'll open it for you.  I don't drink myself, it's a sin.

Alex Rose: [''to Nancy'']     Irish Catholics don't drink?

Mrs. Connelly:   Sit down, dears, sit down!  I brought ya a little something to nibble on as well.

Alex Rose:   Oh, Bugles.  Wow, I didn't realise they even still made Bugles.

Mrs. Connelly: [''offering Alex a Bugle dipped in French onion dip'']     Come along, dear, it's French onion.

Alex Rose: [''nibbles while looking at Bugles box; sees expiration date reads "October 1997"'']     Magnificent parrot.

Mrs. Connelly: [''Alex and Nancy smile'']   It's not a parrot, dear.  He's a macaw.  He's named after my late husband, Richard.  I've had Little Dick for forty years.    Now tell me about yourselves.  What do you do, Allen?

Alex Rose: [''correcting her'']     Alex.

Nancy Kendricks:   Alex is a writer.

Mrs. Connelly:   Oh, a writer. I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job.  I suppose I'm forgettin about Joyce.

Alex Rose:   Joyce, James Joyce, of course.  Wonderful writer.

Mrs. Connelly:   He died drunk and penniless.

Nancy Kendricks:   Well, Alex's first novel was published in hardback, and he's just about to finish his second one.

Mrs. Connelly:   Oh, what's it about?

Alex Rose:   Well, I like to call it an urban epic.  It's about three generations of this family in New York that own a printing press, and I tell a story mainly about—

Mrs. Connelly: [''bored, cutting him off''; ''Nancy counts silently'']     Oh, that's nice.  Let me give you a refill.  Big Dick had the taste, too.  He was a seaman.  The drink took him from me in 1963.  We'd been married for 58 years. 

Nancy Kendricks: [[duplex (building)|duplex]   Besides, do you realise how much the ] is going to be worth once we get both floors?

Alex Rose:   I know how much it costs.

Nancy Kendricks:   Well it's going to be worth like a bazillion times that.

Alex Rose:   Really?  A bazillion?  That's an incredible return.

Alex Rose: Besides, how can I have time to rewrite my novel and still do my faithful servant duty to her as her little indentured servant person.  Her little butt boy.  I mean, I got a lot of duties, honey.  She might need me to go out and count grapes with her, or help her fix her heater, or go take her to the laundry, or I got to go help her clean her banana skins, or I got to go clean out her garbage, and I got to go help her fill her monthlies out, or go and wipe her ass!  God forbid she have any shit hanging off her ass!  Because then I have to run up there double time like a little bunny, and I have to go up there with my little tissue and I have to go wipe her little ass and then I have to say, "Oh, good for you, Mrs. Connelly.  Good for you for having such a nice little poopie.  What's that?  You've got some poopie on your diapey?  Well let me clean it off—with my tongue!

Alex Rose: She just manipulated me somehow.  She's very crafty.  She's a crafty old…lady.

Alex Rose: It's horrible.  My parents read this magazine.  Now they know my penis is called Mr. Peabody!

Alex Rose: [''reading a dictionary entry'']   "Macaw: any long tailed, brightly-colored parrot."  A macaw is a parrot, I knew it!

Alex Rose: I could have sworn we had more stuff.

Alex Rose: Blow me down!

Greg Focker: Not in *any* sense of word.

Greg Focker: He's not a doctor.

Greg Focker: Circle of Trust.

Greg Focker: Really? He said that to you?

Greg Focker: What are you talking about? You were his golden boy.

Greg Focker: [[Jesus] Well, I got good news for you. You're not ].

Greg Focker: [''sarcastically''] Our dear friend the Buddha? How's he doing? It's been so long. Do you ever listen to yourself?

Greg Focker: Nobody's tempted, nobody...

Greg Focker: Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood.

Greg Focker: To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that.

Greg Focker: Yeah, well I have eyes too. So I'll be watching you... watching me.

Maury: For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!

Mugatu: [interrupting Maury; To the Malaysian Prime Minister; Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!

Derek Zoolander: [Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp] One look? One look?! I don't think so!

Hansel: There it is!

Todd: MAGNUM!

Larry Zoolander: [Watching on TV] Holy moley!

Maury: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!

Mugatu: [The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop] Dear God...it's beautiful!

J.P. Prewitt: The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.

Matilda: Okay, that is impossible.

J.P. Prewitt: Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders?

Derek Zoolander: Mugatu?

J.P. Prewitt: [[w:United States embargo against Cuba|trade embargo on Cuba; [w:Sansabelt|Sansabelt] Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a ], ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured ] slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time.

Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model!

J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!

Derek Zoolander: Who's winning the match?

Larry Zoolander: State.

Derek Zoolander: [coughs] I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well-ventilated down there.

Larry Zoolander: [Luke and Scrappy look at each other] For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.

Derek Zoolander: [He swims offscreen as the patrons laugh] Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Larry Zoolander: Why did you have to come back to this damn...town?

Derek Zoolander: [Gets up and looks at his father] I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.

Larry Zoolander: With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hangin out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me... than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.

Derek Zoolander: [high-pitched cough; Derek leaves. He goes outside and looks up at the stars] Mer-man. Mer-MAN! Who am I?

Derek Zoolander: What are they doing?

Derek Zoolander: Guys, NO!

Brint: You know what would help you sort through these important issues?

Derek Zoolander: What?

Brint, Meekus, and Rufus: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!

Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?

Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!

Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.

Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke.

Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that!

Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!

Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!

Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint...

Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?

Derek Zoolander: [smashes the model for the reading center] What is this? A center for ants?

Mugatu: What?

Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...

Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Mugatu: He's absolutely right you know.

Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we, too, can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Derek Zoolander: Maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking?

Derek Zoolander: Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!

Derek Zoolander: At the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Derek Zoolander: Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?

Reuben Feffer: No, Lisa. I never should've asked you to come down here. I'm not going back together with you.

Lisa Kramer: What are you talking about? Why?

Reuben Feffer: Why?" You screwed a scuba diving instructor on our honeymoon. I mean, what kind of cold heartless bitch would do that to someone they love. I'd have to be an idiot to get back together with you after that. Oh, and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows. Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay. They serve no purpose, they're purely decorative.

Reuben Feffer: (yelps) Rat! Rat in the house!

Reuben Feffer: So whose party is this again?

Sandy Lyle: [pause] It's an art opening for this Dutch guy, Jost. His art sucks, but he used to sell me really good pot.

Sandy Lyle: Oh, man, I'm so friggin horny.

Polly Prince: I'm not going to marry you Reuben.

Reuben Feffer: I don't want to get married. I just want to take you to dinner...sometime this week.

Polly Prince: Can I pick the place?

Reuben Feffer: You're on the non-plan plan!

Polly Prince: I am NOT on the non-plan plan!

Sandy Lyle: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.

Reuben Feffer: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes, please?

Sandy Lyle: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.

Reuben Feffer: I don't know what that means.

Sandy Lyle: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.

Reuben Feffer: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.

Claude: It's like zee story of zee heeppo.

Reuben Feffer: I'm not familiar with that story.

Claude: Zee heeppopotamoose, he is not born saying, "Cool beans. I am a heeppo." No way, Joesay. So he try to paint zee stripe on him to be like zee zebra, but he fool no one. Then he try to put zee spot on zee skin to be like the leopard, but everyboody know he is a heeppo. So, at certain point, he look himself in zee mirror and he just say, "Hey. I am a heeppopotamoose and zere is nothing I can do about it." As soon as he accepts zis, he live life happy. Happy as a heeppo. You understand zis, Luban?

Reuben Feffer: [long pause] I'm gonna kill you!

Josh Schrebnick: He's not evil. He's just young.

Josh Schrebnick: I've learned along the way you can discover more by allowing yourself to be surprised by what you encounter.

Josh Schrebnick: It's like... he once saw a sincere person and he's been imitating him ever since.

Dainty: Hey kid, would you like a Hershey bar?

Jim: Oh yes please Dainty!

Dainty: So would I kid. Have you got one?

Amelia Earhart: Do you know why I became a pilot?

Larry Daley: I have no idea.

Amelia: For the fun of it. Why else would anyone do anything?

Kahmunrah: [last words; defeated by Larry] What are you?

Larry Daley: [pushes Kahmunrah into the Underworld] I'm the night guard.

Larry Daley: You know how you were telling me that the key to happiness was something, but then the sun came up? I think I figured it out. It's doing what you love, with the people you love, isn't it?

Teddy Roosevelt: Well, I was going to say physical exercise, but the love thing's good, too.

Kahmunrah: Tell me the combination and give me the tablet right now or I shall KILL all of your friends starting with this little shaggy-headed little cowman here!

Jedediah: I ain't shaggy-headed! Gigantor, let me take this guy!

Larry Daley: [to Kahmunrah] Don't worry, I got this handled. You don't wanna give me my friends, then you're not gonna get your combination or your Tablet.

Kahmunrah: [starts to hand him the hourglass; jerks it back] Alright, I'll tell you what, alright. They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy for nothing, alright? Here you go.. They DIDN'T call me Kahmunrah the trustworthy! They called me Kahmunrah the BLOODTHIRSTY, who kills whoever doesn't give Kahmunrah exactly what he wants in the moment that he wants it, which is RIGHT NOW, when I had also better get the combination and the Tablet!

Larry Daley: That's what they called you?

Kahmunrah: It was shorter in Egyptian.

Larry Daley: [reaches for the tablet] Great, well, I'll give you the combination after you give him back!

Kahmunrah: [makes a line in front of the hourglass with his hand] How dare you! If you touch that again I shall kill you right now. Do not touch this. This is a No-Touching zone!

Larry Daley: [reaches for it] Good, well, then...

Kahmunrah: Oh my GOD! I can't believe you reached across like that again! I can't even believe it! Oh, God! I want to kill you right now! If you didn't know this combination, you would be so dead right now, it would be unbelievable!

Larry Daley: Great, well, I do know the combination...

Kahmunrah: [making a line with his arm] DON'T CROSS THIS LINE with your hand!

Kahmunrah: How dare you! If you speak again, if you SPEAK AGAIN, I'm going to kill you! Do you understand this? Don't say it! Oh, God I see you getting ready! Oh, my GOD! Don't say anything! Now, give me that Tablet and tell me the combination.

Larry Daley: [reaches for the hourglass] Alright, after you give me Jed and release my friends.

Kahmunrah: [he freaks out] You did all three! You spoke and you reached your hand across!

Larry Daley: Look, I can talk to you about this all night!

Kahmunrah: How about this? How about I DON'T kill you, like I really, really want to, and I give you precisely five seconds to hand over that Tablet and tell me the combination?

Al Capone: [coming in carrying Einstein] We already got the combination! It's pi. 3.14159265! This little guy sang. Oh did he sing? Like a canary!

Einstein Bobblehead: Sorry, Larry.

Kahmunrah: I am Kahmunrah, the great king of the great kings, and from the darkest depths of ancient history. I have come BACK to life!

Larry Daley: [Awkwardly] Uh-huh.

Kahmunrah: Perhaps you did not hear what I just said. I am a centuries-old Egyptian Pharaoh. I was dead, but now I have come BACK to life!

Larry Daley: Yeah, no. I heard that. I got that. Welcome back.

Kahmunrah: [baffled and stammering] Who are you?

Larry Daley: I'm Larry. Larry Daley. I own Daley Devices. It's up in New York. It's funny, I actually know your brother, Ahkmenrah.

Kahmunrah: Oh, he knows baby brother. The favorite son.

Larry Daley: Yeah, good kid.

Kahmunrah: Oh, isn't he just. You know, mother and father always gave him the best of everything, and I do mean everything. They even gave him the throne. The throne which was rightfully MINE!

Larry Daley: Oh, he never mentioned that...

Kahmunrah: No, I bet he didn't. Well, now begins the era of Kahmunrah, because I have come BACK to... Never mind, just hand me the Tablet.

Larry Daley: I'm sorry. Last time I checked, I thought we lived in a free country. So...

Brundon: No, we don't.

Larry Daley: No?

Brundon: It's the United States of "Don't Touch That Thing Right in Front of You.

Larry Daley: Okay, Dexter. No hard feelings, okay?

Teddy: [threatening] Lawrence...

Larry Daley: But... you saw!

Teddy: Who is evolved?

Larry Daley: [muttering] I am...

Teddy: Who is evolved?

Larry Daley: I am!

Teddy Roosevelt: Good.

Roosevelt: Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of these United States of America, at your service.

Larry Daley: Okay. I'm Larry, the new night guard...

Roosevelt: [cocks shotgun] Pleasure to meet you, Lawrence! Now, if you excuse me , the hunt is afoot.

Larry Daley: [mutters] Hunt's afoot.

Larry Daley: Excuse me? Mr. McPhee? Excuse me, Mr. McPhee? Can I talk to you about this, please, sir?

Dr. McPhee: What?

Larry Daley: I know that I screwed up, but I think I finally understand how to do this job.

Dr. McPhee: You obviously don't. That's the point.

Larry Daley: No, I didn't, but now I do. Really, Mr. McPhee, if you just give me one...

Dr. McPhee: Doctor.

Larry Daley: Dr. McPhee, just... Can you please give me one more night?

Dr. McPhee: One more night.

Larry Daley: Okay, thank you.

Dr. McPhee: And if anything is the tiniest after your shift... Because...

Larry Daley: Got it.

Dr. McPhee: Okay?

Larry Daley: Okay.

Dr. McPhee: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Larry Daley: Shame on me. Fool me... Shame on me.

Dr. McPhee: You.

Larry Daley: Fool me twice... Got it.

Dr. McPhee: Take it or leave it.

Larry Daley: Okay, thank you.

Larry Daley: [snaps his fingers, which to Jed and Octavius the sound is deafening] Hey! Guys! Hey, guys! Hey! Guys!

Jedediah and Octavius: Ow!

Larry Daley: Sorry. What's goin on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.

Octavius: We will never coexist with these buffoons!

Jedediah: We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!

Octavius: Ha! Those guns don't even work.

Jedediah: Oh, they don't? Take a look at this.

Octavius: Ay!

Jedediah: Don't kick me!

Reginald: Hey, Larry.

Larry Daley: So, I was thinking maybe I'll give it one more night.

Cecil: I'm glad you came around. Welcome back.

Dr. McPhee: You! New night guard, here, now.

Larry Daley: What's up?

Dr. McPhee: What's up?" Oh. Well, take a walk with me, and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up". Come on. So, would you kindly do me the favor of explaining this?

Larry Daley: Ooh. Okay. I'm guessing and I'm just spitballing here but looks like that Roman dude got cocky and climbed over into the Wild West. And that cowboy knows the Roman dude wants to take over his territory, so he rounded up a posse and put him in the stockade.

Dr. McPhee: [laughs sarcastically] Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. "No", is the answer. Sarcasm back at ya with your... humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?

Larry Daley: No. I don't want a... No, I don't want a battle of humor.

Dr. McPhee: No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Bighorn. No. I find it about as funny as a "fancist". It's not funny. Okay? And I will not stand for this type of blatant... If I'm not clear, tell me. Am I clear?

Larry Daley: Yeah.

Dr. McPhee: Yeah.

Larry Daley: Hey, Cecil. You got an extra copy of that instruction manual?

Cecil: Oh, no, I'm afraid not, Larry. Listen, I'll tell you what you do. Read some books. Brush up on your history. Helped me a lot when I first started out.

Cecil: We're too old for surprises.

Larry Daley: Really? I thought you liked surprises! Especially the fact that everything in the museum comes to life at night! That little... sweetheart.

Cecil: Larry, we wanted to tell you. You never would have believed us.

Larry Daley: Do you have any idea what I've been through tonight?

Gus: What?

Larry Daley: I said, do you have any idea what I've been through tonight, Gus?

Gus: Keep a lid on it, butterscotch!

Larry Daley: I don't even know if what happened was real or not, but I did not sign up for this. I just need a regular job that... that is not life-threatening and pays my bills. So thank you very much, and I left my uniform in the office, and I will be seeing you.

Gus: Larry! Bah.