Memorable Quotes from Billy Crystal
48 quotesUnexpected Experiences on the Ranch
Mitch Robbins
To Curly, as they're delivering a calf.] You know, this was not in the brochure.
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Conflicted Intentions in a Crime Scene
Boss Paul Vitti
I wasn't really gonna whack you.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Paul...
Boss Paul Vitti
Okay, I was gonna whack you. But I was real conflicted about it.
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Apologies Amidst Emotional Tensions
Dr. Ben Sobel
Paul, you know what you said about not flipping out?
Paul Vitti
Yeah.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Sorry.
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Critique of Uninspired Conversations
Nikki
Well, Scotty, you're boring. I liked you for a while, but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick.
Dale Putley
That was lovely.
Jack Lawrence
Yes, Hallmark is waiting for you.
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Father's Dual Identity: Public Figure vs. Private Man
Dr. Ben Sobel
It's not easy for me to talk about my father, because, in a sense, I am talking about two people. One is the public Isaac Sobel, the eminent psychotherapist and popular author known to millions of readers across the world. The second is the private man. My father. Dad. And for those of you who knew him well, and know our family, well, I don't have to tell you; He was a psychotic prick. An arrogant, ego-inflated son-of-a-bitch! I wish you were alive so I can kill you! ROT IN HELL!
[Ben and his family audience smile.; Ben's face hardens.; As the audience gasps in horror, Sobel looks down onto his father's casket.]
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Annoyance and Preferences in Relationships
Jack Lawrence
This kid is a major pain in the ass, he's just so damn annoying.
Carrie Lawrence
You don't like anything that's annoying.
Jack Lawrence
Who does?
Carrie Lawrence
No, I mean that's a special thing for you.
[serious]
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A Humorous Introduction to Dr. Ben Sobel
Dr. Ben Sobel
(masquerading as a mobster) My name is Ben Sobel... -lioni. Ben Sobellioni. I'm also known as, uh, Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnozz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once as Miss Phyllis Levine.
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Confrontation Between Therapist and Patient
Dr. Ben Sobel
I know what you're doing, Paul. You're just upset that I have custody of you, so you passive-aggressively arranged for me to look like a fool.
Paul Vitti
Oh, come on. You were great! You were great!
Dr. Ben Sobel
Second take, I thought, was a little better than the first. Jelly wasn't giving me much, honestly. So I j... Screw you, Paul.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Celebrating with Cake in City Slickers
Mitch Robbins
Let's bring out the cake!
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A Character's Affection for Personal Items
Dr. Ben Sobel
I'm very attached to my balls.
[straining]
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Discussion of Unspecified Matters
Primo
Everybody knows there's been this thing between me and Paul Vitti for a long time.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Which thing are you talking about? The first thing or the second thing?
Primo
What second thing? I only know one thing.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Hey, how can we bring up the first thing if we're not gonna talk about the second thing. Did you talk to the guy?
Primo
What guy?
Dr. Ben Sobel
The guy with the thing!
Primo
What thing? What the fuck are you talking about?
Dr. Ben Sobel
How should I know? You brought it up.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Frequency of Hearing "No
Dr. Ben Sobel
You don't hear the word "no" very often, do you?
Boss Paul Vitti
I hear it all the time, but usually it's, "No, please, no, no!
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Identifying Paul Vitti's True Identity
Michael Sobel
Was that really Paul Vitti?
Dr. Ben Sobel
Well, I didn't ask to see his Mafia decoder ring, but yes.
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Discussion on Human Tragedy and Responsibility
Boss Paul Vitti
Hey, people get depressed, they jump. It's a human tragedy. It ain't my fault.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Oh, now you're gonna tell me it was a suicide?
Boss Paul Vitti
I don't know, I think he left a note. Jelly, did they find that note?
Jelly
Uh, no, but they will in a minute.
[taking out a pen]
Dr. Ben Sobel
Oh, and let me guess what it says? "Life is bullshit, I can't fucking take it no more! Signed, the dead guy.
Jelly
Hey, that's good, Doc.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Confusion in Dialogue Exchange
Primo
Yeah, who is this?
Boss Paul Vitti
It's me.
Primo
Me who?
Boss Paul Vitti
Me. Me.
Primo
Me? Me who?
Boss Paul Vitti
Me. You know me. Me.
Primo
Yeah, how's it goin'?
Boss Paul Vitti
Not good. Not good. Whoever did that thing to you-know-who, that good friend of mine? They're trying to do that to me now, and I'm having a lot of feelings about that, and I'm trying to get some... some...
Dr. Ben Sobel
Closure.
Boss Paul Vitti
...closure on that.
Primo
What kind of feelings?
Boss Paul Vitti
I'm feeling very angry about that, I'm really- I'm enraged. I'm feeling very very mad about that.
Primo
Yeah, so why are you telling me?
Boss Paul Vitti
Why'm I telling you? Like you don't know nothin about it? Eh?
Primo
I don't know what you're talkin about.
Boss Paul Vitti
You don't know nothin'? What?
Primo
I don't know what you're talkin about.
Boss Paul Vitti
Okay, whatever, I'm just trying to... tell you about my feelings, and that I'm angry, and that that anger is...
Dr. Ben Sobel
A blocked wish.
Boss Paul Vitti
A blocked wish, and I'm looking forward to seeing you, next week at that thing, and unblock that angered wish, and hopefully, hopefully... if you make one more move on me, you motherfucker, I'll fuckin cut your fuckin balls off and shove em up your fuckin ass! I'll fuckin bury you! I'll stick fucking ice picks in your eyes! I'll chop your fucking eyeballs and I'll send em to your family so they can eat them for dessert! Do you understand me?!
[losing his temper]
Primo
Hey, Paul.
Boss Paul Vitti
What?
Primo
Fuck you.
[hangs up]
Boss Paul Vitti
(throws down phone) You motherfucker!
Primo
You get a dictionary and find out what this "closure" is. If that's what he's gonna hit us with, then I wanna know what it is.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marital Confusion Between Doctor and Boss
Dr. Ben Sobel
What happened with your wife last night?
Boss Paul Vitti
I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Are you having marriage problems?
Boss Paul Vitti
No.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Then why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti
What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Dr. Ben Sobel
No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti
I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Why can't you do them with your wife?
Boss Paul Vitti
Hey! That's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning a Nickname's Origin
Dr. Ben Sobel
Lou the Wrench? Why the Wrench?
Paul Vitti
He twisted some guy's head off.
Dr. Ben Sobel
OFF?
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Self-Absorption in Times of Grief
Dr. Ben Sobel
I was at a funeral.
Paul Vitti
What's that got to do with someone trying to kill me in jail? You're my Doctor!
Dr. Ben Sobel
My father died.
Paul Vitti
So. With you, it is always me, me, me, me, me, me. He's dead. So get over it.
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Mitch Robbins' Humorous Spin on Life's Challenges
Mitch Robbins
Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get em up, move em out, wake em up, get em dressed, get em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!
[singing]
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Recorded Calls Reveal Mobster's Connections
Agent Miller
Dr. Sobel, have you been receiving calls from mobster Paul Vitti?
Dr. Ben Sobel
Why would you say I received a call from Paul Vitti?
Agent Miller
Because we record all his calls from Sing Sing.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Then yes I did.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Threats in a Therapy Session
Boss Paul Vitti
If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag... I'm gonna kill you, you understand?
Dr. Ben Sobel
Could we define the word "fag," because...?
Boss Paul Vitti
I go fag, you die. Got it?
Dr. Ben Sobel
Got it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams of Love and Olympic Judging
Harry Burns
Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fatherhood and Unexpected Conversations
Dr. Ben Sobel
I have a 17-year-old son.
Paul Vitti
I'll ask her.
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Unconventional Interrogation Tactics Discussed
Dale Putley
How did you get her husband to talk?
Jack Lawrence
I head-butted him.
Dale Putley
How ] of you. What are gonna do with her, run her through the Visa machine?
[[w:Joe Pesci|Joe Pesci]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Power of Hitting a Pillow
Dr. Ben Sobel
You know what I do I'm mad, Paul? I hit a pillow. Just hit the pillow, see how you feel.
Boss Paul Vitti
There's your fuckin pillow.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Feel better?
Boss Paul Vitti
...Yeah, I do.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Good.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Home-Cooked Meal After Prison Release
Dr. Ben Sobel
I thought you might appreciate a nice home-cooked meal after being in prison for so long.
Paul Vitti
Yeah, that's what I've been jerkin off for the last 850 nights in a row, a fuckin home-cooked meal. "Oh, tuna casserole!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Nostalgic Encounter with Money
Dale Putley
Jack, look at this.
Jack Lawrence
It's money. I remember it from when I was single.
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Discussion on Past Relationships and Family Dynamics
Jack Lawrence
This is the "wives of Christmas past" conversation.
Carrie Lawrence
Would you leave Penelope and Talullah out of this?
Jack Lawrence
Iris and Debbie.
Carrie Lawrence
Whatever!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call to Stop Whining and Move On
Dr. Ben Sobel
Well, the first thing I think you should do...is to stop whining about this pathetic loser! You are a tragedy queen! "Steve doesn't like me! Steve doesn't respect me!" I mean, who gives a shit? GET A FUCKING LIFE!
[talking to patient; ''mocks whining voice'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Complexity of Communication and Connection
Harry Burns
The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back.
[leaving a message for Sally]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
An Unlikely Resolution Between Friends
Mobster
No hard feelings.
Dr. Ben Sobel
No... and probably never again.
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Contacting the Vatican for Missing Items
Dr. Ben Sobel
Call the Vatican, see if there's anything missing.
[Upon receiving an exquisite fountain from Vitti as a gift]
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Therapist Confronts Frustrated Mob Boss
Boss Paul Vitti
Hey, I got news for you, you little two-bit prick son-of-a-bitch rat bastard, you did nothing for me! Whatever you did the other day didn't take! I'm still fucked up! You did fucking NOTHING for me!
Dr. Ben Sobel
Hey, what do you expect? I saw you for five minutes! I can't work miracles, Mr. Vitti! And let me tell you something, I do not appreciate it when someone sneaks into my hotel room and kidnaps me in the middle of the night. I have a life, Mr. Viti, I have a family, and I have a serious practice, and I don't have time for your BULLSHIT...! That got away from me at the end there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Gender Perspectives on Sexual Motivation
Mitch Robbins
Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding the Grieving Process
Dr. Ben Sobel
I am grieving. It's a process.
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Odds of Tragedy in Heroic Lives
Jack Lawrence
You're a tragic hero. You're ].
[[Lou Gehrig]
Dale Putley
Who?
Jack Lawrence
]. Everybody knows ]. The baseball player. He died of ]'s Disease.
[[Lou Gehrig; [Lou Gehrig; [Lou Gehrig]
Dale Putley
Wow, what are the odds on that?
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Surgical Caution from Mitch Robbins
Mitch Robbins
Excuse me, el doctor! Helloooo...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?
[to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock]
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Memory Aid and Its Side Effects
Dr. Ben Sobel
Ginko biloba. Helps my memory, and I forget what else.
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Reflections on a Midlife Crisis Adventure
Mitch Robbins
I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?
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Parental Guidance - Dialogue 3
Artie Decker
Come out, come out, Mr. Doody. And swim in the swimming pool. I know it's dark when you're hiding, but out here it's really cool. Come on, come on, Mr. Doody. Cause we've got something to do. And if you hurry, you'll meet Carl the kangaroo.
[singing; pauses]
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Difficulties of Returning to Past Relationships
Mitch Robbins
Phil, going back to Arlene is like breaking back in to Alcatraz.
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Miscommunication About Performance Issues
Boss Paul Vitti
I couldn't get it up last night
Dr. Ben Sobel
You mean sexually?
Boss Paul Vitti
No, I mean for the big game against Michigan State. Of course sexually! What the fuck's the matter with you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Passage of Time and Life Choices
Mitch Robbins
Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
[to a classroom full of children on Career Day]
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Unexpected Coffee Incident Leads to Confusion
Jack Lawrence
What happened?
Dale Putley
He poured hot coffee all over me. Took my clothes and he ran away.
Jack Lawrence
Don't cry! Now where is he?
Dale Putley
I don't know.
Jack Lawrence
I don't like you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Greek Tragedy Reference in Modern Context
Dr. Ben Sobel
] was a Greek king who killed his father and married his mother.
[[w:Oedipus|Oedipus]
Boss Paul Vitti
Fuckin Greeks.
[scoffing]
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Jealousy and Misunderstanding Between Friends
Dr. Ben Sobel
The girl has got to go.
Paul Vitti
You know, Doc, I think you might be jealous.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Oh, and what exactly might I be jealous of?
Paul Vitti
I don't know, I didn't hear nothin comin out of your room.
Dr. Ben Sobel
We just don't think it's necessary to wake the neighbors every time we have sex!
Paul Vitti
If you're quiet enough, you can do it without waking your wife.
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Misunderstanding Between Vitti and Sobel
Boss Paul Vitti
You know me?
Dr. Ben Sobel
Yes.
Boss Paul Vitti
No you don't.
Dr. Ben Sobel
Okay.
Boss Paul Vitti
You see my picture in the paper?
Dr. Ben Sobel
Yes.
Boss Paul Vitti
No you didn't.
Dr. Ben Sobel
I don't even get the paper.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Living Preferences
Rose
Where do you like to stay?
Jack Lawrence
My house, but it's in Los Angeles.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.