Billy CrystalQuotes

Artie Decker: [singing; pauses] Come out, come out, Mr. Doody. And swim in the swimming pool. I know it's dark when you're hiding, but out here it's really cool. Come on, come on, Mr. Doody. Cause we've got something to do. And if you hurry, you'll meet Carl the kangaroo.

Jack Lawrence: This kid is a major pain in the ass, he's just so damn annoying.

Carrie Lawrence: You don't like anything that's annoying.

Jack Lawrence: Who does?

Carrie Lawrence: [serious] No, I mean that's a special thing for you.

Jack Lawrence: What happened?

Dale Putley: He poured hot coffee all over me. Took my clothes and he ran away.

Jack Lawrence: Don't cry! Now where is he?

Dale Putley: I don't know.

Jack Lawrence: I don't like you.

Rose: Where do you like to stay?

Jack Lawrence: My house, but it's in Los Angeles.

Nikki: Well, Scotty, you're boring. I liked you for a while, but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick.

Dale Putley: That was lovely.

Jack Lawrence: Yes, Hallmark is waiting for you.

Dale Putley: Jack, look at this.

Jack Lawrence: It's money. I remember it from when I was single.

Dale Putley: How did you get her husband to talk?

Jack Lawrence: I head-butted him.

Dale Putley: [[w:Joe Pesci|Joe Pesci] How ] of you. What are gonna do with her, run her through the Visa machine?

Jack Lawrence: [[Lou Gehrig] You're a tragic hero. You're ].

Dale Putley: Who?

Jack Lawrence: [[Lou Gehrig; [Lou Gehrig; [Lou Gehrig] ]. Everybody knows ]. The baseball player. He died of ]'s Disease.

Dale Putley: Wow, what are the odds on that?

Jack Lawrence: This is the "wives of Christmas past" conversation.

Carrie Lawrence: Would you leave Penelope and Talullah out of this?

Jack Lawrence: Iris and Debbie.

Carrie Lawrence: Whatever!

Mitch Robbins: Phil, going back to Arlene is like breaking back in to Alcatraz.

Dr. Ben Sobel: [Ben and his family audience smile.; Ben's face hardens.; As the audience gasps in horror, Sobel looks down onto his father's casket.] It's not easy for me to talk about my father, because, in a sense, I am talking about two people. One is the public Isaac Sobel, the eminent psychotherapist and popular author known to millions of readers across the world. The second is the private man. My father. Dad. And for those of you who knew him well, and know our family, well, I don't have to tell you; He was a psychotic prick. An arrogant, ego-inflated son-of-a-bitch! I wish you were alive so I can kill you! ROT IN HELL!

Dr. Ben Sobel: The girl has got to go.

Paul Vitti: You know, Doc, I think you might be jealous.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, and what exactly might I be jealous of?

Paul Vitti: I don't know, I didn't hear nothin comin out of your room.

Dr. Ben Sobel: We just don't think it's necessary to wake the neighbors every time we have sex!

Paul Vitti: If you're quiet enough, you can do it without waking your wife.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I have a 17-year-old son.

Paul Vitti: I'll ask her.

Mobster: No hard feelings.

Dr. Ben Sobel: No... and probably never again.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I was at a funeral.

Paul Vitti: What's that got to do with someone trying to kill me in jail? You're my Doctor!

Dr. Ben Sobel: My father died.

Paul Vitti: So. With you, it is always me, me, me, me, me, me. He's dead. So get over it.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I know what you're doing, Paul. You're just upset that I have custody of you, so you passive-aggressively arranged for me to look like a fool.

Paul Vitti: Oh, come on. You were great! You were great!

Dr. Ben Sobel: Second take, I thought, was a little better than the first. Jelly wasn't giving me much, honestly. So I j... Screw you, Paul.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I thought you might appreciate a nice home-cooked meal after being in prison for so long.

Paul Vitti: Yeah, that's what I've been jerkin off for the last 850 nights in a row, a fuckin home-cooked meal. "Oh, tuna casserole!

Dr. Ben Sobel: Paul, you know what you said about not flipping out?

Paul Vitti: Yeah.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Sorry.

Agent Miller: Dr. Sobel, have you been receiving calls from mobster Paul Vitti?

Dr. Ben Sobel: Why would you say I received a call from Paul Vitti?

Agent Miller: Because we record all his calls from Sing Sing.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Then yes I did.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Lou the Wrench? Why the Wrench?

Paul Vitti: He twisted some guy's head off.

Dr. Ben Sobel: OFF?

Dr. Ben Sobel: Ginko biloba. Helps my memory, and I forget what else.

Dr. Ben Sobel: [straining] I'm very attached to my balls.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I am grieving. It's a process.

Primo: Everybody knows there's been this thing between me and Paul Vitti for a long time.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Which thing are you talking about? The first thing or the second thing?

Primo: What second thing? I only know one thing.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Hey, how can we bring up the first thing if we're not gonna talk about the second thing. Did you talk to the guy?

Primo: What guy?

Dr. Ben Sobel: The guy with the thing!

Primo: What thing? What the fuck are you talking about?

Dr. Ben Sobel: How should I know? You brought it up.

Dr. Ben Sobel: You don't hear the word "no" very often, do you?

Boss Paul Vitti: I hear it all the time, but usually it's, "No, please, no, no!

Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't really gonna whack you.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Paul...

Boss Paul Vitti: Okay, I was gonna whack you. But I was real conflicted about it.

Dr. Ben Sobel: You know what I do I'm mad, Paul? I hit a pillow. Just hit the pillow, see how you feel.

Boss Paul Vitti: There's your fuckin pillow.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Feel better?

Boss Paul Vitti: ...Yeah, I do.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Good.

Primo: Yeah, who is this?

Boss Paul Vitti: It's me.

Primo: Me who?

Boss Paul Vitti: Me. Me.

Primo: Me? Me who?

Boss Paul Vitti: Me. You know me. Me.

Primo: Yeah, how's it goin'?

Boss Paul Vitti: Not good. Not good. Whoever did that thing to you-know-who, that good friend of mine? They're trying to do that to me now, and I'm having a lot of feelings about that, and I'm trying to get some... some...

Dr. Ben Sobel: Closure.

Boss Paul Vitti: ...closure on that.

Primo: What kind of feelings?

Boss Paul Vitti: I'm feeling very angry about that, I'm really- I'm enraged. I'm feeling very very mad about that.

Primo: Yeah, so why are you telling me?

Boss Paul Vitti: Why'm I telling you? Like you don't know nothin about it? Eh?

Primo: I don't know what you're talkin about.

Boss Paul Vitti: You don't know nothin'? What?

Primo: I don't know what you're talkin about.

Boss Paul Vitti: Okay, whatever, I'm just trying to... tell you about my feelings, and that I'm angry, and that that anger is...

Dr. Ben Sobel: A blocked wish.

Boss Paul Vitti: [losing his temper] A blocked wish, and I'm looking forward to seeing you, next week at that thing, and unblock that angered wish, and hopefully, hopefully... if you make one more move on me, you motherfucker, I'll fuckin cut your fuckin balls off and shove em up your fuckin ass! I'll fuckin bury you! I'll stick fucking ice picks in your eyes! I'll chop your fucking eyeballs and I'll send em to your family so they can eat them for dessert! Do you understand me?!

Primo: Hey, Paul.

Boss Paul Vitti: What?

Primo: [hangs up] Fuck you.

Boss Paul Vitti: (throws down phone) You motherfucker!

Primo: You get a dictionary and find out what this "closure" is. If that's what he's gonna hit us with, then I wanna know what it is.

Boss Paul Vitti: I couldn't get it up last night

Dr. Ben Sobel: You mean sexually?

Boss Paul Vitti: No, I mean for the big game against Michigan State. Of course sexually! What the fuck's the matter with you?

Michael Sobel: Was that really Paul Vitti?

Dr. Ben Sobel: Well, I didn't ask to see his Mafia decoder ring, but yes.

Dr. Ben Sobel: What happened with your wife last night?

Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Are you having marriage problems?

Boss Paul Vitti: No.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Then why do you have a girlfriend?

Boss Paul Vitti: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?

Dr. Ben Sobel: No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?

Boss Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?

Boss Paul Vitti: Hey! That's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?

Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, I got news for you, you little two-bit prick son-of-a-bitch rat bastard, you did nothing for me! Whatever you did the other day didn't take! I'm still fucked up! You did fucking NOTHING for me!

Dr. Ben Sobel: Hey, what do you expect? I saw you for five minutes! I can't work miracles, Mr. Vitti! And let me tell you something, I do not appreciate it when someone sneaks into my hotel room and kidnaps me in the middle of the night. I have a life, Mr. Viti, I have a family, and I have a serious practice, and I don't have time for your BULLSHIT...! That got away from me at the end there.

Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, people get depressed, they jump. It's a human tragedy. It ain't my fault.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, now you're gonna tell me it was a suicide?

Boss Paul Vitti: I don't know, I think he left a note. Jelly, did they find that note?

Jelly: [taking out a pen] Uh, no, but they will in a minute.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, and let me guess what it says? "Life is bullshit, I can't fucking take it no more! Signed, the dead guy.

Jelly: Hey, that's good, Doc.

Boss Paul Vitti: If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag... I'm gonna kill you, you understand?

Dr. Ben Sobel: Could we define the word "fag," because...?

Boss Paul Vitti: I go fag, you die. Got it?

Dr. Ben Sobel: Got it.

Dr. Ben Sobel: [[w:Oedipus|Oedipus] ] was a Greek king who killed his father and married his mother.

Boss Paul Vitti: [scoffing] Fuckin Greeks.

Boss Paul Vitti: You know me?

Dr. Ben Sobel: Yes.

Boss Paul Vitti: No you don't.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Okay.

Boss Paul Vitti: You see my picture in the paper?

Dr. Ben Sobel: Yes.

Boss Paul Vitti: No you didn't.

Dr. Ben Sobel: I don't even get the paper.

Dr. Ben Sobel: [Upon receiving an exquisite fountain from Vitti as a gift] Call the Vatican, see if there's anything missing.

Dr. Ben Sobel: [talking to patient; ''mocks whining voice''] Well, the first thing I think you should do...is to stop whining about this pathetic loser! You are a tragedy queen! "Steve doesn't like me! Steve doesn't respect me!" I mean, who gives a shit? GET A FUCKING LIFE!

Dr. Ben Sobel: (masquerading as a mobster) My name is Ben Sobel... -lioni. Ben Sobellioni. I'm also known as, uh, Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnozz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once as Miss Phyllis Levine.

Mitch Robbins: To Curly, as they're delivering a calf.] You know, this was not in the brochure.

Mitch Robbins: [to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock] Excuse me, el doctor! Helloooo...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?

Mitch Robbins: [singing] Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get em up, move em out, wake em up, get em dressed, get em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!

Mitch Robbins: [to a classroom full of children on Career Day] Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?

Mitch Robbins: Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.

Mitch Robbins: Let's bring out the cake!

Mitch Robbins: I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?

Harry Burns: [leaving a message for Sally] The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back.

Harry Burns: Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.