Danny McBrideQuotes

Thadeous: Yes you can. I'll help you. Suck it, suck your venom.

Thadeous: Guess what, I despise you. You're a bully and a whore.

Thadeous: The only thing those tits will trap will be my warm spray.

Thadeous: [Julie] That thing is a dickless traitor.

Thadeous: Ew. Julie has no dick.

Thadeous: Eugh. Leezar wants to make love to Belladonna to create a dragon. That's fucking disgusting.

Thadeous: Some balls you have Simon, showing yourself to me. No matter what you say, we'll never be friends because I hate mechanical inventions. And you know this.

Thadeous: Isn't that amazing how he can talk and suck my cock at the same exact time.

Thadeous: [laughs] I don't like this. Courtney, will you make funny faces to entertain me. No! Never triangle face! I hate triangle face! It scares me.

Thadeous: May we take pause for one moment? Look at courtney's new haircut, doesn't it make his head look like the tip of a penis? It's hilarious.

Thadeous: Please, these allegations, they're being greatly exaggerated. It was more or less just heavy petting with a brief moment of penetration.

Will Stanton: It's the perfect woman. Big old set of boobies, no head and a handle.

Will Stanton: Come on, Chaka. Let's work on our mission statement.

Dale: Red?

Red: What the fuck? Get out of here, man, I didn’t do shit, Denton!

Dale: Look, I come in piece, okay? I’m not here to fight you again.

Red: Good. ‘Cause I’m tired, man. I’m feeling so hot.

Dale: You don’t look great.

Red: They shot me, Denton. They got me right here.

Dale: Yeah.

Red: Right here. And then they got me again right here.

Dale: Look, man, I’ll call 9-1-1 right now. They’ll save your life, okay? You don’t need to die.

Red: No, bro. You don’t get it, man. It doesn’t really matter where I’m at. If I’m at the hospital, if I’m here, Ted’s gonna find me, man. He will. And when he does, he’s gonna fucking kill me. He’s just like an asshole.

Dale: I couldn’t agree more, Red. That’s why I’ve come here, okay? You know Ted? He took Saul. And I’m gonna get him back. You know, like, he saved my life. We’ve been on the run together and he’s a great friend. He’s a good guy.

Red: He is, man. I’ll tell you that, man. Saul is a good dude.

Dale: And I was mean to him, man. I wronged him and I can’t, I can’t let it end like that.

Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. It's like, I'm just a hermit crab changin shells.

Dale: [[w:Jude_Law|Jude Law] Except, if you're a DICK your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or...a fuckin anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as ], okay? Which would you rather be?

Red: Hmm, maybe the anal bead, like...depending on who it belongs to.

Dale: Belongs to me.

Red: Then the dragon.

Dale: Exactly.

Red: Yeah...

Dale: You need to help me, okay? Just use it, you know? Use the pain. You’ll have a second wind, man. Let’s just get up and we can go get Saul back. Use it. Aren’t you angry at Ted?

Red: Yeah, I’m really mad at him.

Dale: Well, what do you wanna do about it? Don’t you wanna get up, do something about it?

Red: Maybe, maybe that would be cool to do to him.

Dale: I don’t think "maybe" is the answer I’m looking for. I think, "Yes. I’m gonna help you, Dale!” that’s the answer I’m looking for.

Red: [Dale grabs Red’s hand and they start collecting guns] Come here.

Red: [cocks the gun] Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers. Thug life.

Red: Seriously! I know this sounds weird, but can we be best friends? Just us? For real?

Dale: I think we should ALL be best friends!

Red: We should be. You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.

Saul: You guys are like both of my best friends, and you didn't even know it, but now you know it, and we'll all be best friends!

Dale: You know what we should get? You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a three-way one of those, man!

Saul: [while Dale is talking] Three-way! Three-way!

Red: I don't even know if they fucking make those!

Dale: We should make the first ones!

Saul: Three-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!

Dale: Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?

Red: You don't think I can handle danger?

Dale: What are you talking about?

Saul: He can!

Red: I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? Cause look at this!

Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro! Okay?

Dale: What's the significance of that?

Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!

Dale: Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know.

Red: Uh-uh.

Saul: Uh-huh.

Dale: U-huh.

Red: Uh-uh.

Dale: Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?

Red: It's "uh-uh".

Saul: There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a wacky night in the woods...but we both can put that behind us like adults. Now it's time to get super-duper high. Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv?

Red: Bong Mitzvah. Hit it up, dude.

Saul: Yes.

Red: There you go. Why don’t you follow his league and just chill out, man?

Dale: I’m chill. I’m chill as a cucumber, man.

Red: You don’t seem chill.

Dale: More chill than you.

Red: You’re more chill than me? Look what I’m wearing. Kimono, dawg. What are you wearing?

Dale: A suit.

Red: Yeah, exactly. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I don’t know if I like you.

Dale: Well, I don’t know if I like you either, man.

Red: Well, that’s your loss, because I’m a great friend. I’mma use the telefono to call my wife, okay?

Dale: Give her a call.

Red: I will.

Dale: Go ahead.

Red: Don’t pay attention to what I’m saying.

Dale: Oh, I won’t.

Dale: You're sure we can trust this guy?

Saul: Yo, Red.

Red: Who is it?

Saul: It's Bruce.

Red: Bruce? Who the fuck is this? Saul. What's up?

Saul: Who do you think it is?

Red: Who's this?

Dale: I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.

Red: Dale who?

Dale: It's best if you don't know my full name.

Saul: Dale Denton. Don't worry, he's with me.

Red: Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay?

Saul: You better.

Red: Get in here.

Saul: Coming in.

Red: Y'all Wanna buy some drugs?

Saul: Frisk me.

Red: What's up? What's up? What's up?

Saul: Get it.

Red: Give it. Give it. Look at that, huh? What's up, players?

Saul: What's up?

Red: I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes?

Saul: Oh, we were camping.

Red: Camping?

Saul: Yeah.

Dale: Is your, uh...is your lip okay, man?

Saul: You been crying?

Red: [clearly bruised and cut] Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so, uh, I started to cry. I think it's like a lot worse than it looks though. It's like a simple kind of...

Saul: [interrupting Red] S-so...does that mean fuckin herpes?

Red: Yeah, y-yeah. Yes it does.

Saul: Wow! Fuckin sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?

Red: I know, I'm a disgusting person.

Saul: Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!

Red: Ya, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical...ointment on it. I've been taking Vicodin. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.

Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man. You ate that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.

Red: Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do? You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole.

Saul: You fucking said you wouldn't tell. You sowed your own poison, man.

Dale: [to Saul] Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. Just ask him.

Red: [while frosting a cake] Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here.

Dale: That's great. Just--

Red: We got a lot of time to hang out. I'm making a fucking cake.

Dale: [to Saul] No shit. Just ask him, man.

Saul: Can I have a piece of that?

Dale: What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.

Saul: [to Red] I can't have a piece of that?

Red: [is almost done frosting the cake] No, you cannot have a piece. This is private. You know what today is?

Saul: Tuesday.

Red: This is my cat's birthday today.

Dale: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?

Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh?

Dale: Sorry.

Red: All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.

Saul: Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to heaven.

Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.

Dale: What else?

Red: Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're like in a drug war right now.

Dale: The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!

Saul: It's true.

Dale: What Asians?

Red: Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um--

Saul: Viet Cong?

Red: Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like...the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.

Saul: My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase.

Red: You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet!

Saul: Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!

Rico: Don't you EVER try to tell me how to live my life AGAIN!

Rico: [*] Yoohoo shtheads, I just found a bag of fireworks in the men's restrooms; would you guys like to light them off?

Rico: Hahahahahahahaa... I'ma go drop some dumpage.

Rico: My balls itch more than a flea on a jack russel terrier!

Rico: I don't even cry, and look at me, you're about to make tears come outta my face!

Rico: I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day!

Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!

Seth Rogen: It worked!

Danny McBride: What the fuck?

James Franco: [sticks up both middle fingers] Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh...

Seth Rogen: Oh shit.

James Franco: [horrified] What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!

Danny McBride: [[w:Tom Petty|Tom Petty] I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven cause you were being petty! ]. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.

James Franco: [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose] What? NOOOOOO!

Danny McBride: [holding up James' severed nose; shrieks] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?!

James Franco: [last words] DANNY, NOOOOOO!

Danny McBride: [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay] SETH! JAY!

Jay Baruchel: Oh shit, they're running after us!

Seth Rogen: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!

Danny McBride: [last words] BRING THEM TO ME!

Seth Rogen: Fuck!

Cannibal: Get ‘em!

Cannibal 2: Got to get Rogen!

Seth Rogen: Over here! Over here, over here.

Jay Baruchel: What?

Seth Rogen: Shit, shit!

Cannibal: They’re around here somewhere.

Cannibal 2: They kept running you fucking idiots!

Seth Rogen: Shit, are they still here?

Jay Baruchel: I think they’re gone.

Seth Rogen: Are they gone?

Jay Baruchel: Oh, my God.

Seth Rogen: Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!

Jay Baruchel: That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…

Seth Rogen: Is it Vanity?

Jay Baruchel: Vanity or envy.

Seth Rogen: Is it envy or wrath?

Jay Baruchel: It’s any of them, man.

Seth Rogen: You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.

Jay Baruchel: That’s exactly what it is.

Seth Rogen: You can’t be a sore winner.

Jay Baruchel: Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. Fuck.

Jay Baruchel: [after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck] Danny?

Danny McBride: What the fuck?! You guys are still alive?!

Seth Rogen: Yeah!

Danny McBride: [tugs on his leash; On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Holy shit, I didn't expect that. Fuck out here. Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's fuckin crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.

Jay Baruchel: What does that have to do with us?

James Franco: The fuck you talking about?

Danny McBride: [laughs] I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna fucking eat your ass!

Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us! Fuck that, man!

Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-fucked this dude. See that? I fuckin slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.

Channing Tatum: Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?

James Franco: That's Channing Tatum!

Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?!

Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum.

James Franco: Hardcore, man.

Danny McBride: I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.

James Franco: All right, Seth…

Danny McBride:: Fucking roll over.

James Franco: I’m gonna create a diversion…

Seth Rogen: Yeah.

James Franco: …you and Jay make a run for it.

Seth Rogen: What? Danny’s gonna eat you!

James Franco: Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.

Danny McBride: Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing fucking Tatum, dawg!

Channing Tatum: I love him.

Danny McBride: [[w:G.I. Joe|G.I. Joe; laughs] That’s fucking ], dude. He fucking loves me.

Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!

Danny McBride: I’d love to catch up, but we’re fucking starving, so… LET’S EAT!

James Franco: FUCK YOU!

Danny McBride: Thank you, James. It means a lot to you, and I appreciate that you’d give this to me. Stupid. Stupid motherfucker!

James Franco: Fucking psychopath!

Danny McBride: What the...?

James Franco: [takes the revolver back] It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?

Danny McBride: You were gonna send me out there with a fucking gun filled with blanks?

Seth Rogen: Oh, fuck you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you fucking dickhead!

James Franco: Fucking murdering motherfucker!

Danny McBride: Whatever. Fucking civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so fucking high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious fucking nerd.

James Franco: Fuck you.

Danny McBride: [Jonah glares at him offensively] Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.

Craig Robinson: Bro.

Danny McBride: Seth... you duplicitous taint.

Seth Rogen: What?

Danny McBride: And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.

Jay Baruchel: What the fuck are you talking about?

Danny McBride: I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.

Jay Baruchel: No, no, no, no. That-that's fucking twisting that shit around, you're fucking lying.

Danny McBride: Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.

Craig Robinson: Ooh! Jay.

Seth Rogen: Fuck, man.

Danny McBride: [opens his hands like a book and closes them] It's not, it's textbook twattage. And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back in. Don't be cocky.

Danny McBride: This how you all feel?

Seth Rogen: We talked about it.

Danny McBride: You guys are gonna vote me off the island? I mean, I made you guys breakfast.

James Franco: Oh, shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that.

Danny McBride: Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys. Just to apologize for my behavior at the party. Party I wasn’t even invited to. I’m not an idiot. I know why you guys don’t fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It’s because I party so fucking hard. Always have, ever since I was a baby, I wouldn’t just suck on my mama’s titties, I would fuckin’ bang them and motorboat them. Everything I’ve been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I’ve just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.

James Franco: I’m sorry, all right? You can cum wherever you want.

Danny McBride: I don’t even care about cumming anymore. Right now, I’m just kind of into going.

Seth Rogen: That is so fucking good.

James Franco: The two heroes over here breaking through the floor.

Seth Rogen: We did break through the floor.

Jay Baruchel: Any of you guys would have done the same thing.

Seth Rogen: Oh, man, that fucking hurt.

Jay Baruchel: Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again.

Seth Rogen: I think I did.

Jonah Hill: Hey, what year is this?

Jay Baruchel: 19…

Seth Rogen: That’s a good… That’s a good year.

Craig Robinson: [turns his attention to McBride about to pour water] Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin?!

Danny McBride: [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim] What am I doing?

Seth Rogen: Fuck, man!

Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!

Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.

Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.

James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.

Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the fuck is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.

Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.

Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] I just think that everybody should have the fucking same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONAH!

James Franco: You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.

Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fuckin punch line.

James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!

Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.

Seth Rogen: Good.

James Franco: Alright.

Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY FUCKING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!

James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.

James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?!

Seth Rogen: Did what, what are you talking about?

James Franco: [holds up his jizzed porn magazine] Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?

Seth Rogen: No.

James Franco: No?

Danny McBride: [raises his hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin made jizz in your magazine.

James Franco: What?!

Danny McBride: When I fuckin jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?

James Franco: Real fucking smart answer! Why don't you fucking aim, huh?!

Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a fuckin wild fireman's hose, she's gonna grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth!

James Franco: The fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a fucking sock or on a fuckin tissue?!

Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers. I was raised in a house of women!

James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin taught you to fuckin close your eyes and fuckin cum wherever you want!

Danny McBride: [[w:Buck Rogers|Buck Rogers; [w:iPad|iPad] I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?! Welcome to the 21st century, ]! You designed a house with fucking ]s in the walls! Yet, you're jerkin your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!

James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin read!

Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerked off in here? I've been dropping loads around this fuckin house like a goddamn dump truck.

James Franco: YOU DON'T CUM ON MY STUFF!

Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James. I'll fuckin cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin art, I'LL CUM ANYWHERE I WANT!

James Franco: I will fuckin cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin madman all over you, McBride!

Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin wish you'd cum on me right now, I fuckin DARE YOU TO CUM ON ME!

Danny McBride: [Grabbing a baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin hard in here!

James Franco: This, no more, man, all over your fuckin face!

Danny McBride: All over the fuckin floor, all over the fuckin place! I'll fuckin cum anywhere I want, I'll fuckin cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin cabinets, on the fuckin furniture, I'LL CUM EVERYWHERE!

James Franco: [points his revolver] If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fucking shoot it off!

Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!

James Franco: [waving his revolver] No fuckin jerking off in my house, McBride!

Seth Rogen: Come on, man.

Danny McBride: Fuck this. It's just I'm too thirsty to do this, and the fuckin bitter irony is I'm not gonna have my thirst quenched until I finish this. I give up.

Seth Rogen: Danny, no. Don't walk away. Danny, don't walk away from me!

Danny McBride: It's too late, Seth. I've already walked away too much.

Seth Rogen: No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fuckin turn around and come back and help me. Danny? Daniel?

Emma Watson: [Holding an axe] Back the fuck up!

James Franco: Emma, what's wrong?

Seth Rogen: W-W-W-What's wrong?

Emma Watson: What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.

All: No! No, no, no, no!

Seth Rogen: [Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe] I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... OH!

Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!

Emma Watson: [swishes her axe around] BACK UP!

Jonah Hill: It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...

Emma Watson: GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!

Seth Rogen: There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!

Emma Watson: [chops off a fake penis using her axe] I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND!

Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS!

James Franco: Okay!

Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Danny McBride: Oh, God!

Craig Robinson: PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Emma Watson: HURRY THE FUCK UP!

Jay Baruchel: Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!

Craig Robinson: Don't give the Milky Way away!

Jay Baruchel: Put the axe down now!

Danny McBride: Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!

James Franco: [to Danny; to Emma] I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there.

Danny McBride: [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione] ] just stole all of our shit.

Craig Robinson: Little bitty ass, um, 20-year-old jacked us.

Danny McBride: Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.

Jay Baruchel: I didn't... I was just... I...

Danny McBride: I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.

Craig Robinson: So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.

James Franco: [after sending [[w:Emma Watson|Emma Watson] ] to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here?

Seth Rogen: Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want.

James Franco: That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven.

Danny McBride: [[w: Harry Potter|Harry Potter] This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive ] fan.

James Franco: What?

Danny McBride: [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potter] Yes. I love fucking ]. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures.

James Franco: [[w:Dumble Dore|Dumble Dore] Take it easy, ].

Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco: That's racist.

Jay Baruchel: I wasn’t referring to him. I was referring to the issue that’s on all of our minds.

James Franco: What?

Jay Baruchel: This is one girl in a house with six males.

James Franco: Real safe.

Seth Rogen: Ideal scenario.

Craig Robinson: She’s like a little sister.

Jay Baruchel: I think that she needs… It’s important that she feels safe. And comfortable. And we should be mindful.

Craig Robinson: Who’s making her not feel safe?

Jay Baruchel: Well, I’m just saying we should… We don’t wanna give off a bad vibe.

James Franco: Vibes? I ain’t got no vibes.

Seth Rogen: Wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?

Danny McBride: He’s talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.

All: Whoa!

Craig Robinson: Jesus.

James Franco: Jay, what the fuck, man?

Seth Rogen: Chill out dude.

James Franco: Why you putting that shit in the mix?

Jay Baruchel: He fucking said it!

Danny McBride: You’re the one saying it. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.

James Franco: Well, you talking about vibes is the only thing that’s rapey going on right now.

Seth Rogen: Dude, nothing was rapey until you brought up the rapey vibe.

James Franco: Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.

Seth Rogen: True that, dude.

James Franco: One who denies it supplies it.

Jay Baruchel: I know, it’s farts, I get it.

Jonah Hill: Guys, guys, guys. Jay’s not rapey. Jay couldn’t rape a fly.

Seth Rogen: He probably could.

Craig Robinson: Maybe we should stop this entire conversation right now.

James Franco: If anyone’s gonna rape anyone here, it’s probably gonna be Danny.

Danny McBride: What the fuck, Franco?

James Franco: What?

Danny McBride: Why do you think I’m gonna rape somebody?

James Franco: I’m just trying to lay it out here.

Danny McBride: I’m not gonna rape anyone, all right? If anyone’s gonna rape somebody, it’s Jay. He came up with the rape idea and his face looks like the police sketch of a fucking rapist.

James Franco: True.

Jay Baruchel: What the fuck does that mean?

Danny McBride: If anybody’s raping Emma Watson, it’s fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.

James Franco: Earthquakes cause tsunamis.

Seth Rogen: Yes.

James Franco: Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.

Danny McBride: I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.

Seth Rogen: Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.

Jonah Hill: Sinkhole de Mayo.

Seth Rogen: Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.

Craig Robinson: Let’s hear it.

Jay Baruchel: I think it’s the Apocalypse.

James Franco: What?

Jay Baruchel: [holds up a Bible] I’m serious, boys. It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.

James Franco: You took my Bible?

Jay Baruchel: [starts reading the Bible] Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.

Craig Robinson: The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.

James Franco: Coldwater.

Seth Rogen: I take Laurel Canyon.

Jonah Hill: Cahuegna.

Danny McBride: I usually cup down Barham.

Jay Baruchel: Boys, can I just fricking finish?

Craig Robinson: I love Laurel Canyon.

Jay Baruchel: [continues reading] “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”

Craig Robinson: [[Where the Wild Things Are] I love that dude. He’s from ].

James Franco: It’s a load of bullshit.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not bullshit.

James Franco: You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.

Craig Robinson: I’m straight-up lovable, son.

James Franco: And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?

James Franco: Hi, this is James Franco, um, in my house in my library. Uh, we’ve been stuck here for about 24 hours. Danny McBride is here. Um, I didn’t even invite him to my party, but he came and passed out in the bathtub. I gotta say, it’s like typical fucking McBride. Like, I’ve been feeling really weird about him lately, like I don’t really know if I wanna be friends with him and, uh… then he fucking showed up at my party and now we’re stuck here with him, uh, in disaster lockdown, so, uh…

Danny McBride: What up? What’s going on?

James Franco: Hey, Danny, what’s up, man?

Danny McBride: Not much. What are you doing? What is this?

James Franco: Oh, it’s just a video confessional.

James Franco: Fuck that dude!

Danny McBride: Franco! Good morning, sunshine!

James Franco: Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food!

Jonah Hill: Danny!

Danny McBride: No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys!

Seth Rogen: Stop eating!

Jay Baruchel: Don’t eat another piece of bacon!

Danny McBride: [[w:Green Goblin|Green Goblin] Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the ] can fucking afford some more bacon.

Craig Robinson: Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!

Danny McBride: Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.

Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!

Danny McBride: James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.

Seth Rogen: Do you actually not know what happened last night?

Jonah Hill: Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.

Danny McBride: Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities.

Craig Robinson: [[w:Jason Segel|Segel; [w:David Krumholtz|Krumholtz] Dude, ]’s dead, ] is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.

Danny McBride: [laughing] Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh?

Jay Baruchel: Jesus, Danny!

Danny McBride: Michael Cera’s dead.

Jay Baruchel: It’s not like that.

James Franco: It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.

Danny McBride: [[The Green Hornet (film)|Green Hornet] Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in ], huh? Jonah, you’re fucking sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities.

Jonah Hill: Fatalities.

Danny McBride: Okay, now that was good. That was good.

Seth Rogen: Does it seem like we’re fucking joking?

Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?

Four-Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the States.

Cody: Wait what?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?! Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?!

Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!

Cody: Coast Guard.

Tayback: Sanitation Department.

Cody: Oh my God! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. of A.

Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot.

Cody: [[w:Milli Vanilli|Milli Vanilli] Yeah, you're the ] of patriots okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - It's like punching the American flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!

Tayback: Writers lie all the time!

Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?