Memorable Quotes from David Spade
44 quotesInappropriate Comments on Family Dynamics
Joe Dirt
YOU JUST SAID YOUR SISTER WAS HOT. WHAT A FUH-REAK. You're goin to Hell, man, but it was worth it.
[To himself]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Joe Dirt's Assurance of Gentleness
Joe Dirt
Now, this ain't no flapjack. I'll go real easy. I won't look.
[Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Communication Tips from Joe Dirt
Joe Dirt
Say it, don't spray it brother. Dang!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Unique Challenge for a Fight
Joe Dirt
You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Everything can be fixed with time.
Joe Dirt
That shit'll buff out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate Over Rules in a Baseball Game
Kid catcher
One out! Gonna be two outs!
Richie
Yeah, I bet you're a really good catcher...of doughnuts in your mouth.
Kid catcher
I caught it. You're out.
Richie
But I ticked it! It hit the bat!
Kid catcher
You're still out.
Richie
You're still fat!
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Understanding Reading and Language Basics
Richard Hayden
It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.
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Observations on Flattery and Behavior
Dylan Ramsey
Never have I seen anyone kiss ass like that.
[Ubermann hangs up the phone]
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Critique of Weight Gain
Richard Hayden
Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter .
[After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Innocent comment about visibility
Joe Dirt
I can see down your shirt!
[while on air balloon]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Through Rock Music Preferences
Joe Dirt
I'm a rocker, dude, through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Call to Practice and Patience
Joe Dirt
Why don't you go practice fallin down, I'll be there in a minute.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Applying Lotion for Skin Care
Joe Dirt
I'm puttin the lotion on the skin!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Safety Briefing with Tommy
Richard Hayden
Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Comparison of Faces and Posteriors
Joe Dirt
My face and your ass... I mean, your ass and my face.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Comment on a character's intelligence
Richard Hayden
He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeking Connection in a New Place
Joe Dirt
I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin for my parents.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider Appears in Scene
Clark
This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.
Mel
It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.
[Mel activates the car with his watch]
K.I.T.T
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.
Richie
Who are you?
[to Mel]
Mel
Oh, I'm just once of those nerds who grew up...to make billions.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Searching for Directions in McKeesport
Richard Hayden
It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...
[points to Tommy]
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Humorous Take on Cleanup Challenges
Richard Hayden
Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Three Rules for Dealing with Crocodiles
Joe Dirt
There are three rules when dealin with a deadly crocodile. Rule number one, I'm number one. Rule number two, the croc's number two.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Finding Home in Unexpected Places
Joe Dirt
And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feelin that Brandy was lookin up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown.
[Joe falls off a swing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fireworks Stand Inventory Inquiry
Joe Dirt
You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Exchange Among Friends
Brad
Clark? Richie? I hardly recognize you two clowns without the underwear on your head!
Richie
Brad, wow, you have really not slimmed down.
Brad
Oh, eat me! So I hear from Jerry that you tools think your atheletes now?
Richie
That's funny. I didn't know athlete had three sylables. Ath-a-lete! Thats ama-z-zing!
Brad
You think your hot shit cause you know words!
Clark
Hey, Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us toward the register? Or register-er!
Brad
My team practices today at 5! Swing by if you she-men want to lose!
Richie
You can't handle the truth!
Brad
Bring it!
Clark
SUCK IT!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Life's Challenges and Opportunities
Joe Dirt
Life's a garden. Dig it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Joe Dirt's Optimism for the Future
Joe Dirt
Things are gonna happen for me. I'm Joe Dirt!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Messiness in Joe Dirt's Life
Joe Dirt
I got the poo on me!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frat House Tensions Escalate Among Characters
Roxanne Feder
Excuse me, why are you here? What's the matter?
Frat Boy Milo
I tell you what is the matter. These old townies trashed our frat house! And nobody treats our good-times headquarters with disrespect!
[mocking Roxanne; frat boys laugh, speaking in normal accent; all frat boys yell "Yeah!"]
Braden Higgins
They didn't do it. Me do it.
Frat Boy Milo
Don't try and cover for him, Z-Dog!
Lenny Feder
Who's Z-Dog?
Frat Boy Andy
We know they're trying to get back at us for making them do the naked plunge in our swimming hole.
Deanne McKenzie
Your swimming hole? I've been swimming at the quarry since I was eight years old.
Frat Boy Andy
Apparently, everybody in this crap town has been swimming there since they were eight years old. I guess nobody wants to leave this dump because they're too busy sucking! We'll finish later.
[all frat boys cheer, Andy and Milo do their handshake, but stop in the middle]
Frat Boy Milo
You promise?
Frat Boy Andy
I promise.
[touching Milo's cheek]
Frat Boy Milo
Okay.
Dickey Bailey
Hey, smart guy! Lenny Feder left this town, moved to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably more money than all you brainiacs put together ever will. But guess what? He came back here. Cause this beautiful town is his home. And it always will be his home.
[looks at Lenny, who nods of approval, Dickey raises his beer, and takes a drink]
Frat Boy Milo
Well, that was just a moving testament to this community, bro! But we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches. We came here to kick some old, smelly ass!
[frat boys cheer, Milo turns around and bends over, and Andy slaps his butt three times]
Lenny Feder
Fellas, we may be old.
Marcus Higgins
We may be smelly.
Deanne McKenzie
We may have a penis.
[she, Roxanne, and a drunk woman point at Beefcake Kitty]
Eric Lamonsoff
But the only ones getting their ass kicked around here is gonna be you spoiled, privileged, uppity, preppy D-bags.
Kurt McKenzie
You hear that? Now let's get BUSY!!
[everyone starts fighting]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Injury and Misunderstanding of Pain
Joe Dirt
I thought I had broken my ass bone!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humble Birthday Wish from Dylan Ramsey
Dylan Ramsey
I know I'm no Neil Diamond. But happy birthday, anyway.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity in a playful declaration
Joe Dirt
Right on! You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perseverance in Adversity
Joe Dirt
Ya gotta keep on, keepin on.
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Joe Dirt's Unique Name Explanation
Joe Dirt
My name is Joe Dirté. I added an e to the end, cause it sounds cool.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Preferences in a Casual Manner
Joe Dirt
You like to see homos naked?
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Unexpected Consequences of Clumsy Actions
Richard Hayden
Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed.
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A Desire for Distance and Disinterest
Joe Dirt
I don't care about this, and I don't care about these! And I hope I never see you again for the next twenty-five years!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Fears in Unexpected Places
Dylan Ramsey
Remember what I said about conquering your fears up here? I was wrong. This place would scare me shitless! Look at all those seats!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Among Friends
Clark
Gus!
Richie
Gus!
Clark
He can't hear us.
Richie
Ohh! Ah...
[Falls on the ground]
Gus
Hey fellas. You okay, Richie?
[Finally hearing them; Walks over to them]
Richie
Yeah, I'm fine, just... purple nuts.
[Standing up]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Commitment to Integrity in Friendship
Richie
Clark, we don't play baseball.
Clark
I told Gus we'd be there, Richie. And if we don't go, that makes me a liar. And that's not what I'm about. Not now, NOT EVER!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Advice on Dating and Finances
Dylan Ramsey
Never date a woman who pays her rent in singles.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Joe Dirt's Insight on His Situation
Joe Dirt
It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.
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Joe Dirt's Challenge to Speak Up
Joe Dirt
You guys got somethin to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mic right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?
[puts up fists]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Twist on Misfortune
Joe Dirt
Luckily, my neck broke my fall.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conversations About Relationships and Personal Lives
Mel
Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
Richie
Never had a date.
Mel
Clark?
Clark
Never spoke to a girl.
Mel
Gu... Gus?
[Pauses a bit, realizing that what Clark said was weird]
Gus
Uh, my wife and I are kind of working on it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.