Memorable Quotes from Groucho Marx
80 quotesA Mysterious Visitor with a Mustache
Bob Adams
Oh Mr. Hammer, there's a man outside wants to see you with a black mustache.
Hammer
Tell him I've got one.
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A Conversation About Paying for Lodging
Chico
We no got one cent.
Hammer
How you gonna pay for your room?
Chico
That's your lookout!
Hammer
Oh, I see! You're just an idle roomer!
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Desire for solitude and independence
Wolf J. Flywheel
Why don't you assist ] and leave me alone?
[to Ravelli; [w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]
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A Multifaceted Character Reveals His Talents
Mr. Grover
What is this man? A detective? A floorwalker? Or, a poet?
Wolf J. Flywheel
All three. And not bad at making love. Eh, Martha? Woo-hoo!
[tickles Martha's chin]
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A Promise from an Embezzler
S. Quentin Quale
I give you my solemn word as an embezzler, I'll be back in ten minutes.
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Negotiating a High Fee for Services
Martha Phelps
Tell me, what would you want to handle this case for me?
Wolf J. Flywheel
Twenty thousand dollars.
Martha Phelps
Don't you think that's too much?
Wolf J. Flywheel
Of course it is, only a cheap chisler would ask that much.
Martha Phelps
I was prepared to pay five hundred dollars.
Wolf J. Flywheel
Oddly enough, I'm prepared to take it. Shall we bind the deal with a kiss? Or, five dollars in cash? You lose either way.
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Questioning Certainty in a Conversation
Hammer
Are you sure your husband is dead?
Mrs. Potter
Why....yes.
Hammer
There seems to be a slight trace of uncertainty in that "yes". A "yes" like that was once responsible for me jumping out of a window. And I'm not the jumper I used to be.
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Unusual Job Experience in Retail
Mr. Grover
What experience have you had at a department store?
Wolf J. Flywheel
I was a shoplifter for three years.
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Groucho Defends His Housewife Friends
Middle-aged woman
I'm not happy with my husband. He should have married some little housewife.
Groucho
Madam, I resent that. Some of my best friends are housewives!
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The Value of Unique Offerings
Woman
Can you tell me the price of this bed?
Wolf J. Flywheel
Eight thousand dollars.
Woman
Why that's preposterous! I can get the same bed anywhere in town for twenty five dollars.
Wolf J. Flywheel
Yes, but not with me in it!
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The Bonds That Connect Us
Wolf J. Flywheel
Martha, dear, there are many bonds that will hold us together through eternity.
Martha Phelps
Really, Wolf? What are they?
Wolf J. Flywheel
Your government bonds, your savings bonds, your liberty bonds.
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Foolishness in a Hayloft Encounter
Groucho
Hey, have you got a girl up in that hayloft?
Hoodlum
NO!
Groucho
Then you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
Hoodlum
Beat it, I say!
Groucho
Pardon me, what did you say?
Hoodlum
I said "BEAT IT!
Groucho
He said "Beat It". Gee, I wish I'd said that. Everybody's repeating it around the club.
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Questioning the Fate of the Last Manager
Ronald Kornblow
Well, gentlemen, I'm a different man behind a desk - as any stenographer can tell you. But, uh, what I want to know, is why they're burying the last manager. And don't tell me it's because he's dead.
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Curiosity About Hobbies and Furniture
Wolf J. Flywheel
What other hobbies have you got?
[lying in a bed in The Big Store, when Guiseppi, his wife, and their 12 children surround the bed.]
Guiseppi
Eh, we like-a to see something different in a bed.
Wolf J. Flywheel
You would? Just press that button over by the davenport.
Guiseppi
Where is the davenport?
Wolf J. Flywheel
It's in Iowa.
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Missing Kids in a Busy Store
Wolf J. Flywheel
Hey, what's the difficulty here?
Guiseppi
Look, I no get excited like-a my wife; but, I come in here with twelve-a kids and now there only six. What happened my six kids?
Wolf J. Flywheel
What are their draft numbers?
Guiseppi
Look-a there only six-a kids and I know I gotta twelve-a kids!
Wolf J. Flywheel
Twelve kids, eh? How much you make a week?
Guiseppi
Eh, eh, twenty-five dollars.
Wolf J. Flywheel
You can't afford to have twelve kids!
Guiseppi
No tell me what I can ford! The only thing I know-a is, I gotta twelve-a kids and now there only six!
Wolf J. Flywheel
My good man, statistics prove it costs five dollars a week to provide for a child. Twelve times five is sixty dollars. You only make twenty-five dollars a week! It's economically impossible for you to have twelve children!
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Unexpected Accusations in a Business Deal
Wolf J. Flywheel
There you are. I give you the killers.
[Flywheel has mistaken the Hastings brothers for the killers and handcuffed them]
Tommy Rogers
Why, it's the Hastings brothers, the men who are going to buy the store.
Wolf J. Flywheel
Gentlemen, I'm terribly sorry, but it's really not my fault. You certainly do look like crooks.
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The Importance of Starting Your Studies
Groucho
With a little study you'll go a long way. And I wish you'd start now.
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A Grateful Client's Dark Gift
Wolf J. Flywheel
It's a gift from a grateful client. They hanged him last year.
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Cemetery Humor and Dark Promises
Hammer
Now this is our cemetery. I've got a list of a hundred people just dying to get in. But I like you and I'm going to shove you in ahead of all of them. I'm going to get you a steady position. And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal.
[to Chico]
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Detective Claims and Family Jokes
Wolf J. Flywheel
So, you didn't think I was a real detective, eh?
Mr. Grover
Aw, if you're a detective, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Wolf J. Flywheel
Keep your family out of this!
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Love and Wealth: A Conditional Relationship
Mrs. Potter
I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.
Hammer
I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.
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Negotiating the Price of a Unique Hat
S. Quentin Quale
This is the last hat of it's kind. The beaver's have stopped making them. They're all out playing football. Ten dollars.
Joseph Panello
Well, he's a poor boy. He'll give you a dollar. Will you take it?
S. Quentin Quale
Well, I'll take it but I'm only making a buck on it.
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Accidental Resemblance to Real People
S. Quentin Quale
Any resemblance between these two characters and living persons is purely accidental!
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Honor and Irony in Rufus T. Firefly's Words
Rufus T. Firefly
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
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Critique of Historical Relationships and Betrayals
S. Quentin Quale
Are you insinuating that the white man is not the Indian's friend? Ha! Who swindled you out of Manhattan Island for 24 dollars?
Joseph Panello
White man.
S. Quentin Quale
Who turned you into wood and stood you in front of a cigar store?
Joseph Panello
White man.
S. Quentin Quale
Who put your head on a nickel and then took the nickel away?
Joseph Panello
Slot machine.
S. Quentin Quale
Members of the tribe - I rest my case.
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A Request for Headquarters, Not Hindquarters
Rufus T. Firefly
Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!
[on a telephone]
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A Night in Casablanca - Ronald Kornblow
Ronald Kornblow
After all, I'm a man and you're a woman... and I can't think of a better arrangement.
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Typewriter's Journey to the Madhouse
Gordon Miller
He took the typewriter with him.
Timothy Hogarth
To the MADHOUSE??
Harry Binelli
He likes to hear the little bell ring.
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A Comedic Exchange About Timing and Performance
Harry Binelli
Hurry up, before they come back. And, groan, groan, stagger about and don't die too soon! You must take your time. And you mustn't die before 11 o'clock.
Leo Davis
Don't you worry! I'll give you the best performance you ever saw in a hotel bedroom!
Gordon Miller
That's the spirit! Good luck, Davis. Drop dead!
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Understanding Neighborhoods and Ducks in Conversation
Hammer
All along the river, those are all levees.
Chico
That's the Jewish neighborhood?
Hammer
Well, we'll Passover that....You're a peach, boy. Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico
Why a duck?
Hammer
I'm alright, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico
Alright, why a duck?
Hammer
I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct.
[pause]
Chico
Alright! Why a duck? Why that...why a duck? Why a no chicken?
Hammer
Well, I don't know why a no chicken; I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you'll find out why a duck.
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Divorce Negotiations with Comedic Twists
Groucho
Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife. Now, the first thing to do is to arrange for a settlement. You take the children, your husband takes the house, Junior burns down the house, you take the insurance, and I take you.
Lucille
But I haven't any children.
Groucho
That's just the trouble with this country. You haven't any children, and as for me, I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats.
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From Poverty to a Nickel in Florida
Hammer
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
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Celebrating Engagement with Humor and Toasts
Hammer
And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak, I think a few words from her mother would be revolting! I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well-preserved and partially pickled, Mrs. Potter.
Mrs. Potter
My good, good friends. If I could only tell you how rosy-hued everything seems to me tonight. As I look into your faces, they're all lit with gay laughter. The whole world and everything in it is bathed in a soft, glowing luminous haze...
Hammer
The old gal is stewed to the eyebrows.
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Misunderstanding in Fare Exchange
Cab Driver at Barn
That'll be $1.10.
Groucho
Here's a dollar, keep the change.
Cab Driver at Barn
But I said a dollar "ten"!
Groucho
All right, give me the dollar, I'll keep the change.
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A Long History of Laughter
Ravelli
I take-a your picture. Hey! Look at me and laugh.
Wolf J. Flywheel
I've been doing that for 20 years.
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Opening Night of the Opera Season
Otis B. Driftwood
Ladies and Gentlemen. I guess that takes in most of you. This is the opening of a new opera season, a season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool. I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning. Tonight marks the American debut of Rodolfo Lassparri. Senor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well known bass singer. And his father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. And now on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor. Play, Don.
[Applause; Applause]
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Value of the Extraordinary Over the Ordinary
Hammer
Well, I got rid of one. And one like that is worth three ordinary ones!
[Watching Harpo wobble away from the banquet table]
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Perception vs. Reality of Intelligence
Rufus T. Firefly
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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Unexpected Realizations in Caregiving
Groucho
I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.
Chico
Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?
Groucho
You bet she could. But I found that out too late!
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Questioning the Intent of a Bribe
Groucho
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?
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Perception and Timing in Relationships
Otis B. Driftwood
I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.
[to Gottlieb]
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Unexpected Outcomes in a Quirky Exchange
Alky Briggs
Didn't I give you a couple of gats?
Groucho
I'm sorry, we had to drown the gats. But we saved you a little black gitten.
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Planning a Hollywood-style Party
Tommy Rogers
We can have a party, just like they do in Hollywood.
Ravelli
That's-a fine! Let there be wine!
Wolf J. Flywheel
And women!
Ravelli
And song!
Wolf J. Flywheel
And women!
Ravelli
And caviar!
Wolf J. Flywheel
And women!
Ravelli
And more women!
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The Cost of Social Acceptance
Otis B. Driftwood
Don't you see, you'll be a patron of the opera. You'll get into society. Then, you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society, and all you've lost is $200,000.
[to Mrs. Claypool]
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Law of the West: Shoot or Be Shot
S. Quentin Quale
There's only one law in the west: the law of blood and bullets. It's either shoot or be shot. What are we gonna do?
Joseph Panello
Sue'em!
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A Scheme to Avoid Eviction
Gordon Miller
Wait a minute, suppose one of us got sick?
Harry Binelli
That's the idea! They can't pull a sick man out, it's against the law.
Gordon Miller
Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Astor and gallstones at the Plaza.
Harry Binelli
Oh, those were the happy days!
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Prioritizing Speed in Hotel Service
Ronald Kornblow
From now on the essence of this hotel will be speed. If a customer askes you for a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he asks you for a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he askes you for a one-minute egg, give him the chicken and let him work it out for himself!
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Resentment Towards Pointed Heads
Ronald Kornblow
I don't mind being killed, but I resent hearing it from a character whose head comes to a point!
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Questioning Comfort in Pajama Design
Otis B. Driftwood
Can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?
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Corruption and Confusion About My Pants
S. Quentin Quale
There's something corrupt going on around my pants but I just can't seem to locate it.
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Recognition in Unexpected Moments
S. Quentin Quale
Lulubelle, it's you! I didn't recognize you standing up.
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Humorous Reflection on Unpreparedness in Conflict
S. Quentin Quale
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
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Curious Inquiries About Personal Life
Groucho
Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?
[Posing as a reporter]
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Cultural Misunderstandings in Friendship Attempts
Indian
White man talk too much. Make Chief heap mad.
S. Quentin Quale
White man, red man's friend. White man want to make friends with red brother.
Joseph Panello
And sister, too.
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Unexpected Customer Service Request in Crisis
Fred Sutton
Wake up! The killers are in the store!
Wolf J. Flywheel
Well, why doesn't somebody wait on them?
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The Timing of Love and Preferences
Gordon Miller
Love! He talks just like one of the characters in his play.
[Disapprovingly]
Harry Binelli
I don't know. I like-a love.
Gordon Miller
I like it too; but, there's a time and place for everything.
Harry Binelli
I like it anytime.
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Witty Exchange on Marital Shame
Mr. Smythe
Sir, this lady is my wife. You should be ashamed.
Ronald Kornblow
If this lady is your wife, YOU should be ashamed.
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Leaving Home and Its Consequences
Leo Davis
Oh, but you see, I've left home for good. I've burned my bridges behind me.
Gordon Miller
I see. But you could go back if you wanted to.
Leo Davis
My mother seemed very happy when I left.
Gordon Miller
Only a mother's mask. At this moment, she may be sitting at the fireside, wringing her hands.
Leo Davis
Oh, we have no fireside.
Gordon Miller
You have no fireside? How do you listen to the President's speeches?
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Empty Suitcase, Future Plans
Hammer
Hey, do you know your suitcase is empty?
Chico
Don't worry, we fill it up before we leave.
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An Unwelcome Presence in the Room
Rufus T. Firefly
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
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Desire for Freedom and Distraction
Rufus T. Firefly
Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!
[locked in a closet]
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Announcement of Buffet Supper and Performance
Groucho
Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you into that room quickly, Mrs.Smallhausen will sing a soprano solo in THIS room!
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The Impact of Time on Character Flaws
S. Quentin Quale
Time wounds all heels.
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A Humorous Exchange on Family History
Joseph Panello
My father-a shot the Indians in eighteen forty-two
S. Quentin Quale
Oh, he should-a shot the stork-a, when the stork-a brought-a you.
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Mingling at the Auction
Hammer
Now when the auction starts, I want you to mingle with the guests. Don't pick their pockets, just mingle with them.
Chico
I find time for both.
Hammer
Well, maybe we can cut out the auction!
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Negotiating Room Arrangements and Guests
Mr. Wagner
I'll give you the bridal suite.
Gordon Miller
All right. And about three brides.
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Unexpected Offer for Ice Water
Hammer
Ice water in room 318? No kidding, where'd you get it? Oh, you WANT some! I'll send up an onion, that'll make your ice water!
[on telephone; pause]
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Legal Advice Post-Graduation
Rufus T. Firefly
I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
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Business Over Love
S. Quentin Quale
I'm not in business for love, you know. I was in love once and I got the business.
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Confusion About Ceiling and Floor Orientation
S. Quentin Quale
I'm not drunk, but, what's the ceiling doing on the floor?
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Surprising Revelations About Character Morality
Gordon Miller
Faker, I'm surprised at you!
Harry Binelli
Yeah, you oughta be ashamed of yourself, robbing a stranger.
Harry Binelli
You know, I think he's reforming; he didn't steal-a the picture.
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Misunderstanding of Auctions in Conversation
Hammer
Do you know what an auction is?
Chico
Sure. I come here from Italy on the Atlantic Auction!
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Fears of Love and Commitment
Martha Phelps
Tell me, Wolfie dear, will we have a beautiful home?
Wolf J. Flywheel
Of course. You're not planning on moving, are you?
Martha Phelps
No, but I'm afraid after we're married awhile, a beautiful young girl will come along, and, uh, you'll forget all about me.
Wolf J. Flywheel
Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
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The Illusion of Justice Before Execution
S. Quentin Quale
What did he say?
Joseph Panello
He said, first they're going to give us a fair trial, then they kill us.
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Facing Fear with Humor
Groucho
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
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Humor in Unattainable Idealization
Ronald Kornblow
It's a funny thing. I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.
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A Witty Exchange on Good News
Hilda Manny
If I don't come back you'll know it's good news.
Gordon Miller
And if you do come back bring four bottles of poison.
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Fanning Love's Flames with Indifference
S. Quentin Quale
You must fan the flames of love with the bellows of indifference.
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Dancing Preferences in Humorous Context
Rufus T. Firefly
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Complicated Relationships in the Workplace
Mr. Grover
If Ms. Phelps were not my fiancée, I would turn in my resignation and walk out of this store for good!
Martha Phelps
Oh no, no...
Wolf J. Flywheel
Fiancée?
Martha Phelps
Yes.
Wolf J. Flywheel
You mean a woman of your culture and money and beauty and money and wealth and money would, would marry that impostor?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.