The Cocoanuts - Celebrating Engagement with Humor and Toasts
Hammer:
And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak, I think a few words from her mother would be revolting! I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well-preserved and partially pickled, Mrs. Potter.
Mrs. Potter:
My good, good friends. If I could only tell you how rosy-hued everything seems to me tonight. As I look into your faces, they're all lit with gay laughter. The whole world and everything in it is bathed in a soft, glowing luminous haze...
Hammer:
The old gal is stewed to the eyebrows.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Cocoanuts - A Mysterious Visitor with a Mustache
Bob Adams:
Oh Mr. Hammer, there's a man outside wants to see you with a black mustache.
Hammer:
Tell him I've got one.
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The Cocoanuts - Questioning Certainty in a Conversation
Hammer:
Are you sure your husband is dead?
Mrs. Potter:
Why....yes.
Hammer:
There seems to be a slight trace of uncertainty in that "yes". A "yes" like that was once responsible for me jumping out of a window. And I'm not the jumper I used to be.
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The Cocoanuts - Love and Wealth: A Conditional Relationship
Mrs. Potter:
I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.
Hammer:
I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.
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The Cocoanuts - Empty Suitcase, Future Plans
Hammer:
Hey, do you know your suitcase is empty?
Chico:
Don't worry, we fill it up before we leave.
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The Cocoanuts - Understanding Neighborhoods and Ducks in Conversation
Hammer:
All along the river, those are all levees.
Chico:
That's the Jewish neighborhood?
Hammer:
Well, we'll Passover that....You're a peach, boy. Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico:
Why a duck?
Hammer:
I'm alright, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico:
Alright, why a duck?
Hammer: [pause]
I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct.
Chico:
Alright! Why a duck? Why that...why a duck? Why a no chicken?
Hammer:
Well, I don't know why a no chicken; I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you'll find out why a duck.
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The Cocoanuts - Mingling at the Auction
Hammer:
Now when the auction starts, I want you to mingle with the guests. Don't pick their pockets, just mingle with them.
Chico:
I find time for both.
Hammer:
Well, maybe we can cut out the auction!
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The Cocoanuts - Misunderstanding of Auctions in Conversation
Hammer:
Do you know what an auction is?
Chico:
Sure. I come here from Italy on the Atlantic Auction!
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The Cocoanuts - A Conversation About Paying for Lodging
Chico:
We no got one cent.
Hammer:
How you gonna pay for your room?
Chico:
That's your lookout!
Hammer:
Oh, I see! You're just an idle roomer!
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The Cocoanuts - Unexpected Offer for Ice Water
Hammer: [on telephone; pause]
Ice water in room 318? No kidding, where'd you get it? Oh, you WANT some! I'll send up an onion, that'll make your ice water!
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The Cocoanuts - Value of the Extraordinary Over the Ordinary
Hammer: [Watching Harpo wobble away from the banquet table]
Well, I got rid of one. And one like that is worth three ordinary ones!
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The Cocoanuts - Cemetery Humor and Dark Promises
Hammer: [to Chico]
Now this is our cemetery. I've got a list of a hundred people just dying to get in. But I like you and I'm going to shove you in ahead of all of them. I'm going to get you a steady position. And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal.
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The Cocoanuts - From Poverty to a Nickel in Florida
Hammer:
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
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Monkey Business - Unexpected Realizations in Caregiving
Groucho:
I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.
Chico:
Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?
Groucho:
You bet she could. But I found that out too late!
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Monkey Business - Foolishness in a Hayloft Encounter
Groucho:
Hey, have you got a girl up in that hayloft?
Hoodlum:
NO!
Groucho:
Then you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
Hoodlum:
Beat it, I say!
Groucho:
Pardon me, what did you say?
Hoodlum:
I said "BEAT IT!
Groucho:
He said "Beat It". Gee, I wish I'd said that. Everybody's repeating it around the club.
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Monkey Business - Groucho Defends His Housewife Friends
Middle-aged woman:
I'm not happy with my husband. He should have married some little housewife.
Groucho:
Madam, I resent that. Some of my best friends are housewives!
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Monkey Business - Misunderstanding in Fare Exchange
Cab Driver at Barn:
That'll be $1.10.
Groucho:
Here's a dollar, keep the change.
Cab Driver at Barn:
But I said a dollar "ten"!
Groucho:
All right, give me the dollar, I'll keep the change.
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Monkey Business - Unexpected Outcomes in a Quirky Exchange
Alky Briggs:
Didn't I give you a couple of gats?
Groucho:
I'm sorry, we had to drown the gats. But we saved you a little black gitten.
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Monkey Business - Divorce Negotiations with Comedic Twists
Groucho:
Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife. Now, the first thing to do is to arrange for a settlement. You take the children, your husband takes the house, Junior burns down the house, you take the insurance, and I take you.
Lucille:
But I haven't any children.
Groucho:
That's just the trouble with this country. You haven't any children, and as for me, I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats.
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Monkey Business - Announcement of Buffet Supper and Performance
Groucho:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you into that room quickly, Mrs.Smallhausen will sing a soprano solo in THIS room!
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Monkey Business - Curious Inquiries About Personal Life
Groucho: [Posing as a reporter]
Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?
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Monkey Business - The Importance of Starting Your Studies
Groucho:
With a little study you'll go a long way. And I wish you'd start now.
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Monkey Business - Questioning the Intent of a Bribe
Groucho:
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?
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Monkey Business - Facing Fear with Humor
Groucho:
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
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Go West - The Illusion of Justice Before Execution
S. Quentin Quale:
What did he say?
Joseph Panello:
He said, first they're going to give us a fair trial, then they kill us.
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Go West - Negotiating the Price of a Unique Hat
S. Quentin Quale:
This is the last hat of it's kind. The beaver's have stopped making them. They're all out playing football. Ten dollars.
Joseph Panello:
Well, he's a poor boy. He'll give you a dollar. Will you take it?
S. Quentin Quale:
Well, I'll take it but I'm only making a buck on it.
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Go West - Critique of Historical Relationships and Betrayals
S. Quentin Quale:
Are you insinuating that the white man is not the Indian's friend? Ha! Who swindled you out of Manhattan Island for 24 dollars?
Joseph Panello:
White man.
S. Quentin Quale:
Who turned you into wood and stood you in front of a cigar store?
Joseph Panello:
White man.
S. Quentin Quale:
Who put your head on a nickel and then took the nickel away?
Joseph Panello:
Slot machine.
S. Quentin Quale:
Members of the tribe - I rest my case.
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Go West - A Humorous Exchange on Family History
Joseph Panello:
My father-a shot the Indians in eighteen forty-two
S. Quentin Quale:
Oh, he should-a shot the stork-a, when the stork-a brought-a you.
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Go West - Law of the West: Shoot or Be Shot
S. Quentin Quale:
There's only one law in the west: the law of blood and bullets. It's either shoot or be shot. What are we gonna do?
Joseph Panello:
Sue'em!
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Go West - Cultural Misunderstandings in Friendship Attempts
Indian:
White man talk too much. Make Chief heap mad.
S. Quentin Quale:
White man, red man's friend. White man want to make friends with red brother.
Joseph Panello:
And sister, too.
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Go West - Confusion About Ceiling and Floor Orientation
S. Quentin Quale:
I'm not drunk, but, what's the ceiling doing on the floor?
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Go West - Business Over Love
S. Quentin Quale:
I'm not in business for love, you know. I was in love once and I got the business.
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Go West - Fanning Love's Flames with Indifference
S. Quentin Quale:
You must fan the flames of love with the bellows of indifference.
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Go West - A Promise from an Embezzler
S. Quentin Quale:
I give you my solemn word as an embezzler, I'll be back in ten minutes.
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Go West - Corruption and Confusion About My Pants
S. Quentin Quale:
There's something corrupt going on around my pants but I just can't seem to locate it.
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Go West - The Impact of Time on Character Flaws
S. Quentin Quale:
Time wounds all heels.
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Go West - Recognition in Unexpected Moments
S. Quentin Quale:
Lulubelle, it's you! I didn't recognize you standing up.
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Go West - Humorous Reflection on Unpreparedness in Conflict
S. Quentin Quale:
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
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Go West - Accidental Resemblance to Real People
S. Quentin Quale:
Any resemblance between these two characters and living persons is purely accidental!
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Room Service - Typewriter's Journey to the Madhouse
Gordon Miller:
He took the typewriter with him.
Timothy Hogarth:
To the MADHOUSE??
Harry Binelli:
He likes to hear the little bell ring.
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Room Service - Negotiating Room Arrangements and Guests
Mr. Wagner:
I'll give you the bridal suite.
Gordon Miller:
All right. And about three brides.
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Room Service - The Timing of Love and Preferences
Gordon Miller: [Disapprovingly]
Love! He talks just like one of the characters in his play.
Harry Binelli:
I don't know. I like-a love.
Gordon Miller:
I like it too; but, there's a time and place for everything.
Harry Binelli:
I like it anytime.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Room Service - A Scheme to Avoid Eviction
Gordon Miller:
Wait a minute, suppose one of us got sick?
Harry Binelli:
That's the idea! They can't pull a sick man out, it's against the law.
Gordon Miller:
Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Astor and gallstones at the Plaza.
Harry Binelli:
Oh, those were the happy days!
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Room Service - Leaving Home and Its Consequences
Leo Davis:
Oh, but you see, I've left home for good. I've burned my bridges behind me.
Gordon Miller:
I see. But you could go back if you wanted to.
Leo Davis:
My mother seemed very happy when I left.
Gordon Miller:
Only a mother's mask. At this moment, she may be sitting at the fireside, wringing her hands.
Leo Davis:
Oh, we have no fireside.
Gordon Miller:
You have no fireside? How do you listen to the President's speeches?
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Room Service - A Comedic Exchange About Timing and Performance
Harry Binelli:
Hurry up, before they come back. And, groan, groan, stagger about and don't die too soon! You must take your time. And you mustn't die before 11 o'clock.
Leo Davis:
Don't you worry! I'll give you the best performance you ever saw in a hotel bedroom!
Gordon Miller:
That's the spirit! Good luck, Davis. Drop dead!
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Room Service - A Witty Exchange on Good News
Hilda Manny:
If I don't come back you'll know it's good news.
Gordon Miller:
And if you do come back bring four bottles of poison.
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Room Service - Surprising Revelations About Character Morality
Gordon Miller:
Faker, I'm surprised at you!
Harry Binelli:
Yeah, you oughta be ashamed of yourself, robbing a stranger.
Harry Binelli:
You know, I think he's reforming; he didn't steal-a the picture.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Duck Soup - Honor and Irony in Rufus T. Firefly's Words
Rufus T. Firefly:
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
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Duck Soup - A Request for Headquarters, Not Hindquarters
Rufus T. Firefly: [on a telephone]
Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!
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Duck Soup - Perception vs. Reality of Intelligence
Rufus T. Firefly:
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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Duck Soup - Legal Advice Post-Graduation
Rufus T. Firefly:
I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
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Duck Soup - Desire for Freedom and Distraction
Rufus T. Firefly: [locked in a closet]
Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!
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Duck Soup - An Unwelcome Presence in the Room
Rufus T. Firefly:
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
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Duck Soup - Dancing Preferences in Humorous Context
Rufus T. Firefly:
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.
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The Big Store - Planning a Hollywood-style Party
Tommy Rogers:
We can have a party, just like they do in Hollywood.
Ravelli:
That's-a fine! Let there be wine!
Wolf J. Flywheel:
And women!
Ravelli:
And song!
Wolf J. Flywheel:
And women!
Ravelli:
And caviar!
Wolf J. Flywheel:
And women!
Ravelli:
And more women!
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The Big Store - Detective Claims and Family Jokes
Wolf J. Flywheel:
So, you didn't think I was a real detective, eh?
Mr. Grover:
Aw, if you're a detective, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Keep your family out of this!
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The Big Store - A Multifaceted Character Reveals His Talents
Mr. Grover:
What is this man? A detective? A floorwalker? Or, a poet?
Wolf J. Flywheel: [tickles Martha's chin]
All three. And not bad at making love. Eh, Martha? Woo-hoo!
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The Big Store - Unexpected Accusations in a Business Deal
Wolf J. Flywheel: [Flywheel has mistaken the Hastings brothers for the killers and handcuffed them]
There you are. I give you the killers.
Tommy Rogers:
Why, it's the Hastings brothers, the men who are going to buy the store.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Gentlemen, I'm terribly sorry, but it's really not my fault. You certainly do look like crooks.
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The Big Store - The Bonds That Connect Us
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Martha, dear, there are many bonds that will hold us together through eternity.
Martha Phelps:
Really, Wolf? What are they?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Your government bonds, your savings bonds, your liberty bonds.
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The Big Store - A Long History of Laughter
Ravelli:
I take-a your picture. Hey! Look at me and laugh.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
I've been doing that for 20 years.
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The Big Store - Unexpected Customer Service Request in Crisis
Fred Sutton:
Wake up! The killers are in the store!
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Well, why doesn't somebody wait on them?
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The Big Store - Complicated Relationships in the Workplace
Mr. Grover:
If Ms. Phelps were not my fiancée, I would turn in my resignation and walk out of this store for good!
Martha Phelps:
Oh no, no...
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Fiancée?
Martha Phelps:
Yes.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
You mean a woman of your culture and money and beauty and money and wealth and money would, would marry that impostor?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Big Store - Missing Kids in a Busy Store
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Hey, what's the difficulty here?
Guiseppi:
Look, I no get excited like-a my wife; but, I come in here with twelve-a kids and now there only six. What happened my six kids?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
What are their draft numbers?
Guiseppi:
Look-a there only six-a kids and I know I gotta twelve-a kids!
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Twelve kids, eh? How much you make a week?
Guiseppi:
Eh, eh, twenty-five dollars.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
You can't afford to have twelve kids!
Guiseppi:
No tell me what I can ford! The only thing I know-a is, I gotta twelve-a kids and now there only six!
Wolf J. Flywheel:
My good man, statistics prove it costs five dollars a week to provide for a child. Twelve times five is sixty dollars. You only make twenty-five dollars a week! It's economically impossible for you to have twelve children!
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The Big Store - Curiosity About Hobbies and Furniture
Wolf J. Flywheel: [lying in a bed in The Big Store, when Guiseppi, his wife, and their 12 children surround the bed.]
What other hobbies have you got?
Guiseppi:
Eh, we like-a to see something different in a bed.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
You would? Just press that button over by the davenport.
Guiseppi:
Where is the davenport?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
It's in Iowa.
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The Big Store - Fears of Love and Commitment
Martha Phelps:
Tell me, Wolfie dear, will we have a beautiful home?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Of course. You're not planning on moving, are you?
Martha Phelps:
No, but I'm afraid after we're married awhile, a beautiful young girl will come along, and, uh, you'll forget all about me.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
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The Big Store - The Value of Unique Offerings
Woman:
Can you tell me the price of this bed?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Eight thousand dollars.
Woman:
Why that's preposterous! I can get the same bed anywhere in town for twenty five dollars.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Yes, but not with me in it!
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The Big Store - Unusual Job Experience in Retail
Mr. Grover:
What experience have you had at a department store?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
I was a shoplifter for three years.
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The Big Store - Negotiating a High Fee for Services
Martha Phelps:
Tell me, what would you want to handle this case for me?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Twenty thousand dollars.
Martha Phelps:
Don't you think that's too much?
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Of course it is, only a cheap chisler would ask that much.
Martha Phelps:
I was prepared to pay five hundred dollars.
Wolf J. Flywheel:
Oddly enough, I'm prepared to take it. Shall we bind the deal with a kiss? Or, five dollars in cash? You lose either way.
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The Big Store - Desire for solitude and independence
Wolf J. Flywheel: [to Ravelli; [w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]
Why don't you assist ] and leave me alone?
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The Big Store - A Grateful Client's Dark Gift
Wolf J. Flywheel:
It's a gift from a grateful client. They hanged him last year.
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A Night in Casablanca - Witty Exchange on Marital Shame
Mr. Smythe:
Sir, this lady is my wife. You should be ashamed.
Ronald Kornblow:
If this lady is your wife, YOU should be ashamed.
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A Night in Casablanca - Humor in Unattainable Idealization
Ronald Kornblow:
It's a funny thing. I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.
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A Night in Casablanca - Prioritizing Speed in Hotel Service
Ronald Kornblow:
From now on the essence of this hotel will be speed. If a customer askes you for a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he asks you for a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he askes you for a one-minute egg, give him the chicken and let him work it out for himself!
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A Night in Casablanca - Resentment Towards Pointed Heads
Ronald Kornblow:
I don't mind being killed, but I resent hearing it from a character whose head comes to a point!
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A Night in Casablanca - A Night in Casablanca - Ronald Kornblow
Ronald Kornblow:
After all, I'm a man and you're a woman... and I can't think of a better arrangement.
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A Night in Casablanca - Questioning the Fate of the Last Manager
Ronald Kornblow:
Well, gentlemen, I'm a different man behind a desk - as any stenographer can tell you. But, uh, what I want to know, is why they're burying the last manager. And don't tell me it's because he's dead.
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A Night at the Opera - Questioning Comfort in Pajama Design
Otis B. Driftwood:
Can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?
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A Night at the Opera - Opening Night of the Opera Season
Otis B. Driftwood: [Applause; Applause]
Ladies and Gentlemen. I guess that takes in most of you. This is the opening of a new opera season, a season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool. I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning. Tonight marks the American debut of Rodolfo Lassparri. Senor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well known bass singer. And his father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. And now on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor. Play, Don.
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A Night at the Opera - Perception and Timing in Relationships
Otis B. Driftwood: [to Gottlieb]
I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.
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A Night at the Opera - The Cost of Social Acceptance
Otis B. Driftwood: [to Mrs. Claypool]
Don't you see, you'll be a patron of the opera. You'll get into society. Then, you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society, and all you've lost is $200,000.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.