Jason MewesQuotes

Randal: [[w:Transformers|The Transformers] Dude, ] sucked.

Elias: [[w:Kevin Smith's unrealized projects#Danger Ranger and the Danger Rangers|Ranger Danger] Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off ] any day.

Randal: [[w:Television|TV; [w:Christian fundamentalism|'cause you're all Christian and shit] Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of ] in your house ].

Elias: [[w:Blasphemy|a slight against God] Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not ].

Randal: Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

Elias: [''Pause''; [w:Creationism|Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God] Nice shot. Well, see... ạt Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. ], Randal!

Randal: [[w:Satanism|They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One; ''Voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias''] No sir. They are not a gift from God. ].

Elias: [''Reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal''] I really don't wanna hear this, Randal.

Randal: [[w:abortion|abortions] The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of ]!.

Elias: [''Puts on the head phones''] You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!

Randal: [''Grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing''] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma! Grandma!

Jay: [''Shows up in window''] Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!

Randal: Late that night--

Jay: I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!

Jay & Randal: [''Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay''] Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane!

Jay: [[w:Bestiality with a donkey|being awfully forward with that donkey] That guy's ].

Jay: [''To camera, ạpplyịṇg [[w:Lịp Bạlm] Would you fuckme, I'd fuck me.

Jay: [''Hanging out with Bob''] I'm fucking bored, man.

Jay: [''from an alternate introduction to the characters''; [substance intoxication|high; [talking; [head; [The Shining (film)|The Shining; [faggot; ''Silent Bob rolls his eyes''; [mom; ''pause''; ''Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise''] Ooh, I fucking hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole not talking shit's getting old. It didn't matter when I was ], cause I'd just imagine you were ] in my ], like ] and shit, son. Like The Shining and shit. Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you fucking ], I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little cock in me without me noticing, but that shit's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and shit...like your ]'s puss. That is, unless you got a joint? Ooh! Ooh, Motherfucker! You're SO fucking lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little BITCH!

Jay: [[marijuana|weed; [alien life; [w:Mars in fiction#Life on Mars|Martian] You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin out in front of places sellin ] n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new ] form... and fuck it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fucked a ] once.

Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Please don't go.

Jay: God damn, this is one wacky game show.

Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!

Shannon: [as he is being arrested] Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Brodie: Really? Why?

Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and fuckin’ bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you wanna destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!

Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay: He's fucking dead!

Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

T.S.: What the hell happened?

Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie: I had it coming.

Jay: Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.

T.S.: What really happened?

Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.

Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?

T.S.: You know that guy?

Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

T.S.: What's he doing?

Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.

Jay: Knock it off.

Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.

Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.

Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.

Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about her video setup.

Brodie: Why him?

Jay: [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Motherfucker's like McGyver--no, motherfucker's better than McGyver! Knock it off!

Jay: [referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro.

Jay: [Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans.

Jay: [Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.

Jay: [after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat; [w:Superman II|Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod!] ] Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jay: [To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

Jay: [''to Holden''] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin for your boring, funny-book-makin ass.

Jay: You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin but bitches and money.

Dante: I can't fuckin believe you!

Randal: I'm tellin you, it wasn't my fault!

Dante: You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!

Randal: I was just leanin on it! It was an accident!

Dante: Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!

Randal: So the casket fell over, big deal!

Dante: Her fuckin body fell out!

Randal: Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks somethin'!

Dante: Just go. Just go open the video store!

Randal: Shut the fuck up, junkie!

Dante: Just go. Just go open the video store.

Jay: Yeah, cock-smoking clerk!

Dante: And how many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?

Jay: I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin bout?

Customer: Yo, you got anything, man?

Jay: Yeah, man. What you want, man?

Video Store Customer: [holding two videos] They say so much, but they never tell you if they're any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?

Randal: What?

Video Store Customer: Are either one of these any good?

Randal: I don't watch movies.

Video Store Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

Video Store Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal: Nope.

Video Store Customer: Well, what about these two?

Randal: Oh, they suck.

Video Store Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!

Randal: No, I wasn't.

Video Store Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate—

Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Video Store Customer: I beg your pardon?

Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Video Store Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!

Randal: And I hope it feels good.

Video Store Customer: You hope what feels good?

Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Video Store Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!

Randal: You'll be missed.

Video Store Customer: [leaves] Screw you!

Randal: [runs to door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay: [standing outside] Yeeaahhh!

Randal: Screw me?

Jay: [to a man passing by on a bicycle; to Silent Bob; to two women in a passing car] I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck anything that moves! Yo, what the fuck you lookin at? I'll kick your fuckin ass!  Shit yeah. Doesn't that motherfucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, and tear out his fuckin soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag. Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?

Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.

Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.

Jay: Oh, hi. I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.

Justice: It's nice to meet you.

Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...

Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...

Jay: [[American Pie (film)|that guy that fucked the pie] Hey, wait a second! Aren't you ]?

Jason Biggs: [takes his fake beard and fake mustache off; [w:Loser (film)|Loser; [w:Boys and Girls (2000 film)|Boys and Girls; throws them and his Silent Bob hat and wig to the ground] See, man? You see, it's never... It's never "Hey! Hey, you were in ], weren't ya?" or "Dude, you rocked in ]." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie. HAUNTED by it!

James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie?

Jason Biggs: [sighs] Enough! Jason Biggs.

Jay: Yo, man. Did you really get the third base with that Russian chick like in the movie?

Jason Biggs: You mean Shannen? No.

Jay: [does some masturbation; softly; to Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek; pretends he's hugging and kissing] Man, she is fucking fine. If I was you, I would've been like... Ooh. Just like that. Like that? What, you never did one of these? Wait, wait.

James Van Der Beek: [takes his Jay hat and wig off] Done plenty of that, my friend.

Jay: [[Dawson's Creek|the Dawson] Holy shit, you're ]!

James Van Der Beek: James, actually. James Van Der Beek.

Jay: Zoinks, yo.

Fred Jones: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are!

Velma Dinkley: I don't think they are masks.

Daphne Blake: And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.

Velma Dinkley: [Daphne gets offended] GHOULS, you fucking moron, not girls. But I wish they were hitchhiking girls, sexy hitchhiking girls.

Fred Jones: Let's kick em out! We've got a mystery to solve!

Shaggy Rogers: The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in the neckerchief!

Fred Jones: [grabs Shaggy by the shirt] Keep it up, beatnik. I'll feed ya to the fucking dog!

Daphne Blake: [covers her ears] I CAN'T TAKE OFF THIS FIGHTING!

Jay: [the gang calms down; holds up a Ziploc bag of cigarettes] YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBY SNACKS!

Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.

Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax, you know, Miramax Films, paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman & Chronic. So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on some website, IS NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!

Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is.

Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?

Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are calling us names because of this fucking stupid movie.

Banky: That's what the Internet's for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!

Banky: Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, I just wanted to say hi, I'm Banky--

Jay: Banky fucking Edwards! Just the motherfucker we came to see.

Banky: Holy shit, what the fuck are you guys doing here?

Jay: (After being told he is wearing pansy red booties) Holy fuck I am wearing pansy red booties! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

Jay: (On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. No one rules a C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.

Jay: (While humping Silent Bob's leg) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!

Jay: Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls because they both in fact lick balls. Motherfucker. It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!

Jay: What the fuck is The Internet?

Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

Jay: 15 bucks, little man,Put that shit in my handIf that money doesn't showThen you owe me, owe me, owe

Jay: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,Mother mother fuck,Mother mother fuck fuck,Mother fuck mother fuck,Noise, noise, noise.1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,Noise, noise, noise.Smoking weed, smoking whizz,Doing coke, drinking beers,Drinking beers, beers, beers,Rollin fatties, smokin blunts.Who smokes the blunts?We smoke the blunts!Rolling blunts and smoke the b...

Jay: [shouts; [The X-Files; '''Dante''': I'm not even supposed to be here today!] Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Holy shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. Maybe it's a conspiracy like in ]... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!

Lester: I even tried to talk her into givin me the fuckin Dutch Rudder...shot me down on that, too.

Zack Brown: And a Dutch Rudder is...?

Lester: [Shakes head.] You don't know what a Dutch Rudder—alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm. Now work it, work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? See, it's like somebody else is jerking you off. And of course, there's the Double Dutch Rudder, which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm. Same time! Same time. It's like jerkin off together, but not gay. We're not touchin dicks! Each other's dicks, anyway. I'm touchin my own dick. You're workin it, and I'm lovin it. It feels good, sir... try me! C'mon!

Lester: Hey Stacey. You like dogs?

Stacey: Yeah. Especially pocket dogs.

Lester: Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good.

Stacey: Me too. Except for the dick part, because I don't have one but the good part.

Lester: Cool. Well, see ya.

Stacey: Bye.

Zack Brown: What's your name?

Lester: Lester... Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.

Zack Brown: Wow. That's a great porn name.

Lester: I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called... Pete Jones.

Delaney: [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo; [w:Princess Leia|Princess Leia; [w:Star Wars|Star War] What? ] ain't never had no sex with ] in the ]!

Brandon: [''To Bobby''] I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain...of gayness.

Mr. Surya: [[w:Indian exceptionalism|I hate you ebony and ivory motherfuckers!] ]

Deacon: [''After getting covered in Stacey's [[w:feces|feces; [w:anal sex|anal sex scene; [w:Wet and messy fetishism|That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!] ] during an Can you believe this shit?! ]

Lester: [''To Zack in the kitchen''; [w:homophobia|It's like jerking off together but not gay. We're not touching dicks, each other's dicks anyway] Don't know what a Dutch rudder...? All right, you grab your dick, then you have someone else work your arm. Here, let me show you. All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm. Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down. It's like someone else is jerking you off. Okay. There's the double Dutch rudder, which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm, same time. ]. I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and I'm loving it. It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.

Bethany: [Notices Jay is taking off his pants] What are you doing?

Jay: I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd fuck me.

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender: Never heard of it.

Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity: Don't...

Azrael: [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads; pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Ahh, anybody? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... Get it?

Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?

Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

Azrael: [referring to Bethany] Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?

Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...

Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Rufus: Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!

Bethany: [sarcastically joking; Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?

Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with His family.

Bethany: [[w:Mary (mother of Jesus)|mother; [w:Saint Joseph|father] His ] and ]?

Rufus: [[w:Brothers of Jesus|brothers and sisters] His ].

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.

Rufus: [[w:Virgin birth of Jesus|gave birth to Christ] Mary ] without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!

Bethany: Meaning?

Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?

Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: [walks off] When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Jay: You believe this shit?!

Rufus: [[w:Antioch|Antioch] You know, that's a lot like the good people of ] were saying, right before they stoned my ass!

Bethany: You were martyred?

Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!

Jay: So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.

Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?

Jay: [[w:John Hughes (filmmaker)|John Hughes] Some fuck named ].

Bethany: [[Sixteen Candles] ] John Hughes?

Jay: [[Roger Ebert|Ebert; [The Breakfast Club|Breakfast Club; [w:Weird Science|Weird Science; [Pretty in Pink] You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But ] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking ]; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking ] where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then ], which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse than watching a fuckin fat man weep.

Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?

Jay: [Silent Bob raises a finger.; [w:Judd Nelson|Judd Nelson; He and Silent Bob bump fists.] See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for ], he was fucking harsh! But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are fucking bullshit.

Bethany: When are you going back to Jersey?

Jay: [to Silent Bob; to Bethany] Jesus, this broad asks a lot of questions. Tomorrow.

Bethany: [to herself] Tomorrow...

Jay: Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast em in the ass?

Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.

Jay: I'll take head.

Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?

Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.

Bethany: No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.

Jay: Really?

Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.

Jay: Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?

Bethany: Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.

Jay: What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, fucking dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?

Bethany: Do you believe in God?

Jay: [to Silent Bob; both get up to leave] Holy fuck! All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the fuck outta here-

Jay: I'll scream rape.

Bethany: I can pay you.

Jay: [he and Silent Bob sit back down] Pay?

Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.

Jay: [to Silent Bob; [w:Han Solo|Han Solo; [w:Chewbacca|Chewie; [w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|Ben Kenobi; to Bethany] I feel like ], you're ], and she's ] and we're in that fucked up bar! What about sex?

Bethany: No sex.

Jay: All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you fuck us then?

Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah? She's the slut. Booong!

Bethany: I don't know what to say or think, except...

Jay: That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?

Bethany: Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.

Jay: I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.

Bethany: Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?

Jay: You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!

Bethany: So, what are you doing hanging around?

Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany: Excuse me?

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?