Jay Levey

Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!

Richard Fletcher: [sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh] Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!

Joe Earley: [after cutting off a finger with a table saw] Can you believe this?! Would you look at that! Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers"! I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.

Sy Greenblum: [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.

Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!

Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!

Philo: [unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect; folds paper back up] Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to... Secrets Of The Universe. Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.

Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"; Conan slices him in two!!] These books are a little overdue.

Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare.

Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!

Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!