Jeff DanielsQuotes

Roger: I hope 1944 turns out well. They pass so quickly. Where do they all go?

Biff Baxter: So quickly. Then we get old. And we never knew what any of it was about.

Mert Rosenbloom: Sometimes we confuse our fears with our fantasies.

Mert Rosenbloom: The word "can't" isn't in my vocabulary.

Mert Rosenbloom: We're all the authors of our own destiny. Let's make this a happy ending.

Lt. Col. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain: [in winter quarters, to his brother Tom] War is a scourge, but so is slavery. It is the systematic coercion of one group of men over another. It has been around since the book of Genesis. It exists in every corner of the world, but that is no excuse for us to tolerate it here when we find it right in front of our very eyes in our own country. As God as my witness, there is no one I hold in my heart dearer than you. But if your life, or mine, is part of the price to end this curse and free the Negro, then let God's work be done.

Lt. Col. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain: [at Fredericksburg, as the Army of the Potomac crosses the Rappahanock; [Julius Caesar; [Marcus Annaeus Lucanus|Marcus Lucanus; the Confederate cannons on Marye's Heights open fire] In the Roman civil war, ] knew he had to march on Rome itself, which no legion was permitted to do. ] left us a chronicle of what happened. "How swiftly Caesar had surmounted the mighty Alps and in his mind conceived immense upheavals, coming war. When he reached the water of the little Rubicon, clearly to the leader through the murky night appeared a mighty image of his country in distress, grief in her face, her white hair streaming from her tower-crowned head, with tresses torn and shoulders bare, she stood before him and sighing said, Where further do you march? Where do you take my standards, warriors? If lawfully you come, if as citizens, this far only is allowed. "Then trembling struck the leader's limbs, his hair grew stiff and weakness checked his progress, holding his feet at the rivers edge. At last he speaks, O Thunderer, surveying Rome's walls from the Tarpeian Rock. O Phrygian house gods of Iulus, Clan and Mystery of Quirinus who was carried off to heaven, O Jupiter of Latium seated in lofty Alda and Hearths of Vesta, O Rome, equal to the highest deity, favor my plans! Not with impious weapons do I pursue you. Here am I, Caesar, conqueror of land and sea, your own soldier, everywhere, now too, if I am permitted. The man who makes me your enemy, it is he who be the guilty one. "Then he broke the barriers of war and through the swollen river swiftly took his standards. And Caesar crossed the flood and reached the opposite bank. From Hesperia's Forbidden Fields he took his stand and said, "Here I abandoned peace and desecrated law; fortune it is you I follow. Farewell to treaties. From now on war is our judge!'" Hail Caesar! We who are about to die salute you!

Amy Alden: Mama to Papa. That was so cool!

Thomas Alden: Yeah, great. I just made a criminal out of my own daughter. Now we'll both do time behind bars.

Amy Alden: Dad, stop being so dramatic.

Thomas Alden: Now, look, this is just the beginning, Amy. We've got to make 120 nautical miles by sundown, fly across Lake Ontario, cross an international boundary without a permit carrying stolen goods, without filing a flight plan, without any official approval, four days behind schedule. We're on the edge, my dear.

Amy Alden: Excuse me, sir, please leave him alone.

Glen Seifert: Your name's Amy, isn't it? Well, Amy, these geese belong to the Crown.

Amy Alden: What crown?

Glen Seifert: That's the Queen of England.

Thomas Alden: Pinioning?

Susan Barnes: I have no idea.

Glen Seifert: [prepares to cut the tip off Igor's wing with a fingernail clipper] She made rules for us to follow. It's for the good of the goose, it's for the good of the people. Now what you do is you take the wing and you just shave a bit off the cuticle here--

Amy Alden: [utterly enraged; shoots up from her chair and hits Seifert on the head repeatedly with a bowl of popcorn] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP IT!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!!

Thomas Alden: [indignantly grabs Seifert and hauls him to the door; Susan grabs Igor from Seifert's hand while Amy takes the flock in the bathroom] What the hell are you doing?!

Susan Barnes: Watch out!

Glen Seifert: Jeez! What are you doing?!

Thomas Alden: [throws Seifert down the stairs] What the hell do you think you're doing, huh?!

Glen Seifert: What is wrong with you? I'm trying to help! What happens when your birds start to fly? What happens in two months when they start to migrate? They're gonna end up zapped in power lines or dead on the highway, except--

Thomas Alden: [shoves Seifert by force] GET OFF MY LAND!!

Glen Seifert: LISTEN TO ME!! Your birds could be carrying parasites and disease! If they infect while they want--

Thomas Alden: STAY OFF OF MY PLACE!!!

Glen Seifert: Your birds are gonna get clipped, no matter what! If your birds fly, I'm gonna have to confiscate them!

Thomas Alden: Amy? It's Dad.

Amy Alden: Dad? Why are you here?

Thomas Alden: I came down from Canada. I've come to take you home.

Amy Alden: What do you mean?

Thomas Alden: Well, I mean...

Amy Alden: Where's Mum? Tell me, Mum died, didn't she?

Thomas Alden: Amy? Amy, I'm sorry. I didn't know he was going to do that. Look, sweetie, I promise I won't let anybody hurt them, all right? Open the door.

Thomas Alden: By destroying the marsh, they've broken the law and accomplished their objective which is, there's nothing left to save. I mean, it's a done deal. And it's an outrage! There are laws against this kind of thing, and I, for one, want to know who amongst you is going to enforce them?

Thomas Alden: [running out of the house in his underwear as construction workers are wrecking a nearby marsh; sighs in frustration and lets out a furious scream] GET OUT OF HERE!!! What do you think you're doing?! Hey! What do you think you're doing, huh?! Hey! You don't have a permit! We haven't had the meeting yet! We haven't voted! You're totally illegal! I'm gonna get a lawyer and sue your ass!

Harry Dunne: That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.

Harry Dunne: [going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State.

Abe: [holds hand at neck level; both laugh] You know, you were the youngest Looper I ever hired. You looked goddamn ridiculous, they said. Blunderbuss up to here on you. I remember they brought you in, I forget what it was for.

Young Joe: Watch shop.

Abe: Mmm! That's - yeah, you rolled one of our fronts, a watch shop. And they had you, you know. You know, this kid, just like an animal. But you - you looked at me, your hair stuck to half your face, just one eye looking at me. I could see, like seeing it happen on the TV, the bad version of your life. Like a vision, I could see how you'd turn bad. So I changed it. I cleaned you up and put a gun in your hand. I gave you something that was yours.

Young Joe: And I'm grateful for that, Abe.

Abe: I'm from the future. You should go to China.

Abe: [under his breath] Joe! Guess I put the gun in that kid's hand, huh? I guess everything comes back around. Like your goddamn ties.

Abe: Ask yourself: who would I sacrifice for what's mine?

Abe: A man from the future runs free long enough, you know, this time travel shit just fries your brain like an egg.

John Sculley: You're gonna end me, aren't you?

Steve Jobs: You're being ridiculous...I'm gonna sit center court and watch you do it yourself. Then I’m gonna order a nice meal with a ‘55 Margaux, and sign some autographs.

John Sculley: Jesus Christ!

Steve Jobs: You want some advice, Pepsi Generation? Don’t send Woz out to slap me around in the press. Anybody else. You, Markkula, Arthur Rock, anyone but Rain Man'. Don’t manipulate him like that. Whatever you may think, I’m always gonna protect him.

John Sculley: Come on, Steve.

Steve Jobs: That's what men do.

John Sculley: I can't put it more simply than this: we need to put our resources into updating the Apple II.

Steve Jobs: By taking resources from the Mac!

John Sculley: It's failing. That's a fact.

Steve Jobs: It's overpriced.

John Sculley: There's no evidence that it's--

Steve Jobs: I'm the evidence! I'm the world's leading expert in the Mac, John, what's your resume?!

John Sculley: You're issuing contradictory instructions, you're insubordinate, you make people miserable, our top engineers are fleeing to Sun, Dell, HP, Wall Street doesn't know who's driving the bus, we've lost hundreds of millions in value, and I'm the CEO of Apple, Steve, that's my resume.

Steve Jobs: But before that, you sold carbonated sugar water, right? I sat in a fucking garage with Wozniak and invented the future, because artists lead and hacks ask for show of hands!

John Sculley: When are you gonna get furniture?

Steve Jobs: It's not an easy process.

John Sculley: It is. You buy a couch, take it from there.

John Sculley: [to Steve] Don't play stupid; you can't pull it off.

Lisa Brennan: I had two different Harvard statisticians try to reverse-engineer the equation that you came up with to prove that 28% of American men could be my father. You know, my mother might be a troubled woman, but what’s your excuse? That’s why I’m not impressed with your story, dad! It’s that you knew what I was going through, and you didn’t do anything about it, and that makes you an unconscionable coward. And not for nothing, but “Think” is a verb, alright? Making “Different” an adverb. You’re asking people to “Think Differently”. And you-- And you can talk about the Bauhaus movement and Braun and "simplicity is sophistication" and Issey Miyake uniforms and Bob Dylan lyrics all you want, but that thing? (pointing at one of the posters of the iMac) Looks like Judy Jetson's easy-bake oven.

Harry Dunne: [to Mary, while looking at a pair of owls] Nice set of hooters you got there.

Harry Dunne: You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

Harry Dunne: Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate.

Bernard Berkman: [playing ping pong with Frank] You know, you have to try. If you don't try, it's no fun for me.

Bernard Berkman: [to Lili] Put me in your mouth.

Bernard Berkman: [[Kafka] She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of ], but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her cunt?

Harry: Okay, we're gonna have to try and bypass the remote current with the battery. Can you find the tripwire for the remote?

Jack: I don't know, I've got a few choices here.

Harry: Black and red?

Jack: And green.

Harry: Okay. All right. Uh, I'm gonna guess he's not gonna go with standard copper for the remote, that'd be too weak. I'd use a fiber alloy. Jack, I'm gonna need you to look at the wire.

Jack: Harry, it's covered.

Harry: Yeah, I know. You're gonna have to cut off the sheath. But don't cut the wire.

Jack: [the bus jolts as it runs over a piece of rubber tire; Jack carefully cuts the sheath off the green wire] Right. Fuck me! Shit! Bullseye!

Harry: Great! Okay, I want you to clip on the battery, and then run it to the lead wire.

Jack: [he clips the battery to the exposed wire, and reaches to connect it to the bomb, which beeps] Copy. I can't bypass, it'll fire.

Harry: Oh, shit! It's a collapsible circuit.

Officer Barnette: I don't get it.

Harry: A watch is a shitty timer. Why use it? What's he sayin'?

Officer Barnette: Lots of people have watches, Harry.

Harry: This guy has no M.O. A bomber falls in love with one kind of bomb, and they're very monogamous. This guy uses C-4, dynamite, different trigger every time, and now he throws in this watch.

Officer Barnette: He's an encyclopedia of bombs. He knows every kind.

Harry: [pause] Yeah, and everything we do to dismantle it. Wait a minute. I want to look at the files for the last ten years.

Officer Barnette: We did the mugshots already, it's not gonna help.

Harry: No. I want to look at cops.

Jack: [over phone] Where do we start?

Harry: All right, check the speedometer. Has it been fucked with, or loosened, or any wires? See any wires, anything?

Jack: [to Annie; looking under the speedometer] Excuse me, ma'am. No, it's clean.

Annie: Huh?

Harry: All right, then it's gonna be under the bus. Probably it was rigged to one of the axles.

Jack: I can't get under the bus right now, Harry. It's kind of in motion.

Helen: Excuse me? Excuse me!

Jack: Hold on.

Sam: [gasping] There's an access panel... in the floor... underneath you, man.

Jack: [opens the floor access panel; hands the phone to Stephens; looking through the hatch at the bomb] All right, Harry, we're in. Passenger relay. Sir. take this. I want you to tell him what I see. Okay, we got a wad! Pretty big!

Stephens: There's a pretty big wad.

Jack: Brass fittings...

Stephens: Brass fittings.

Jack: ...I think I can reach the circuit wire.

Stephens: He can reach the circuit wire.

Harry: No! No, no! Don't! Don't do that! That's a decoy, classic.

Stephens: That's a classic decoy.

Harry: What else?

Stephens: What else?

Jack: Hold on.

Stephens: Hold on.

Jack: Fuck me!

Stephens: Oh, darn.

Jack: [takes the phone back] Harry, there's enough C-4 on this thing to put a hole in the world.

Harry: Okay, all right. Just stay calm. What else?

Jack: Three triggers. One on the axle I can't really see, a cellular remote, and a timer running off a wristwatch.

Harry: A watch? What kind of watch?

Jack: Gold. Gold band, fairly cheesy.

Mac: We got a random demand from your dead terrorist. He's rigged a city bus. Where's Jack?

Harry: [puts down the phone] Where do you think?

Jack: Tell me again, Harry. Why did I take this job?

Harry: Aw, come on. Thirty more years of this, you get a tiny pension and a cheap gold watch.

Jack: Cool.

Harry: [Jack doesn't respond] Alright, pop quiz. Airport, gunman with a hostage. He's using her for cover. He's almost to a plane. You're one hundred feet away. Jack?

Jack: Shoot the hostage.

Harry: What?

Jack: Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can't get to the plane with her. Clear shot.

Harry: [chuckles] You're deeply nuts, you know that? "Shoot the hostage.

Jack: Harry, this is wrong. He's gonna blow it anyway.

Harry: Why?

Jack: I don't know. Gut feeling.

Harry: Well, right now Mac outranks your gut, so we sit.

Jack: How much do you think that elevator weighs?

Harry: Jack, come on.

Jack: Maybe we can do something about those hostages.

Harry: We're not gonna shoot em, right?

Jack: No, we just take them out of the equation.

Mac: Alright, gentlemen. What we have here are 13 passengers in an express elevator, below floor 30. Bomb's already taken out cables. Bomber wants $3 million, or he blows the emergency brakes.

Harry: What's our clock?

Norwood: [checking his watch] He gave one hour. That leaves us 23 minutes exactly.

Briggs: Anything else that'll keep this elevator from falling?

Jack: Yeah, the basement.

Mac: The city would like to avoid that event, Officer Traven.

Harry: We can't just unload the passengers?

Mac: This is an express elevator, gentlemen. The only way in or out is through access panels. The bomber's also wired the hatch to trigger the bomb, which seats him in the crazy but not stupid section.

Jack: Sir, Harry volunteers to examine the device.

Harry: [scoffs] Yeah, right.

Mac: Fine. The two of you check it out.

Norwood: The nearest access panel's on the 32nd floor in the lobby.

Mac: I want reports only. We're in a holding pattern. Worthy and Briggs, I want you to secure the base area. No one in or out. Everyone else, I want you to affirm building evac. MOVE!

Anita: Cruella, the puppies have to be with their mother for several weeks. They're not ready to leave.

Cruella: Fine. Put the little brutes on reserve for me. How much would you like?

Roger: They're not for sale.

Cruella: Oh? You've come into some money, have you? Did you design some silly game that will drive the delinquent kiddies into frenzies of video delight?

Roger: As a matter of fact, I have...

Anita: No, no, what Roger means to say is that we're not sure we're going to sell the puppies.

Cruella: [offers to buy the puppies; writes out a check] Anita, don't be ridiculous! You can't possibly afford to keep them. I'll pay you twice what they're worth. Come now. I'm being more than generous. £500! £7,500! Fair? £2 per spot.

Anita: But, Cruella, what would you do with 15 puppies?

Roger: That's irrelevant, Anita. She can't have any cause they're not for sale!

Cruella: I'm getting very tired of you, Roland!

Roger: Roger.

Cruella: [holds out a £7,500 check] Whatever. Take it.

Cruella: [quietly] Take it.

Cruella: [loudly] Take it!

Anita: [calmly] Cruella... the puppies are not for sale.

Cruella: [resignedly] You're quite... sure?

Roger and Anita: Yes.

Cruella: [furiously; rips the check; exits] All right. Keep the little beasts. Do what you want with them. Drown them, for all I care! You're a fool, Anita! I've no use for fools. You're fired! You're finished! You'll never work in fashion again! I'm through with all of you! I'll get even! Just wait! You'll be sorry, you fools! You idiots!