Jeremy PivenQuotes

Helen Hyde: Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me or are you gonna hand me that towel?

Pete Walston: I'm gonna stand here and stare at you.

Yves DuBois: What am I paying you for? 20 years in therapy and I start liking girls? That's malpractice.

Dr. Richard Jacks: Who would've thought that if another woman came between me and Sarah, that it would be me.

Dr. Richard Jacks: I know you think I'm crazy but this time I can prove it.

Dr. Richard Jacks: The next time I tell you I'm a girl, just take my word for it. OK?

Scawldy: [''Jack and Pilot enter Scawldy's bar, and he comes up to Jack and hugs him''] Boys! What up! What's up, Jack? Jack! The God of Fuck, bro! Bro, Jilly Miranda.

Jack: Oh, no.

Scawldy: [''Bends down to Jack's crotch''] Hello? Hello? Bad dick! Very bad dick! Bad dick! Well, since I'm down here, I might as well just for a little bit-

Jack: [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|that Kennedy was assassinated] How does everybody on Planet Fricking Earth... know this shit already? You guys never know anything. You don't even know... ].

Scawldy: Wait, George Kennedy was assassinated? Bro, Jilly Miranda is a deviant, okay? She's a major deve. She gets off on causing trouble, okay? But did she at least... make you bust a little coo-coo-coo? Did you? 11 years... he hasn't busted a nut, right?

Jack: Hey, five.

Scawldy goon: Taking it off over here, boss.

Scawldy: Hey, Pilot, you little fuck, did you sell that boom?

Pilot: [''Mayhem [[w:Pitbull dog|the Pitbull dog] Yeah. ] starts barking at Pilot]

Scawldy: Hey, shut up! Mayhem, shut the fuck up! All right. The hound has some major trust issues... with our boy Pilot here.

Scawldy goon: Yo, wiping it off over here, boss.

Scawldy: [[w:Whiskey Pete|Whiskey Pete's] Listen, I tell you, putting you down at that water park... was an entrepreneurial milestone. Speaking of which... there's a rave over by ].

Scawldy goon: Yo, sip of water over here, boss.

Scawldy: [''To dog''; [w:Gamma-hydroxybutyrate|some GHB; [w:LSD|some window pane] Will you shut the fuck up for a blink of an eye! I want you over there... with ] and ], all right?

Pilot: Yo, I can't.

Scawldy: What?

Pilot: I can't, man. I'm going with Jack.

Scawldy: Going with Jack where?

Pilot: [''Mayhem ferociously pulls on Pilot's sleeve''] Scawldy! Scawldy!

Jack: I've got to bail!

Scawldy: Of course, right. Burt Miranda. Of course, of course. All right, man, that's cool. Where you guys headed?

Jack: We're thinking Seattle, you know?

Scawldy: [''Serves two [[w:Colt 45 (malt liquor)|Colt 45s] Jilly Miranda, man... I'd like to take a ride on her. Little sweet ass pooper, you know what I mean? ] on table] Wahoo! Let's go.

Jack: No, Scawldy, look... I've got to get out of here, all right?

Scawldy: [''Sits down''] What is your rush, boys? Come on, you've got the world... by a fucking string right here!

Jack: Scawldy! I've got to go!

Pilot: Yo, man, can I have my cut?

Jack: They're after my fucking toes, man!

Scawldy: [''Screams''] FUCK! Well, otay. Where you guys going? Detroit? Dee-troit?

Pilot: Yeah, Detroit. Detroit's cool.

Scawldy: [[w:Ted Nugent|Motor City Madman, Ted Fucking Nugent] Right on. Detroit's got that old school shit... you know what I'm saying? Like ], man. I got you in a stranglehold, baby

Pilot: You know, Scawld... we're thinking about getting a stake. Sell as we go, finance the trip. The Detroit trip.

Scawldy: What are you boys thinking about? What do you need?

Pilot: Well, what do you got?

Scawldy: [[w:cornucopia|what is that thing at Thanksgiving... the horn thing, the fucking horn thing... overflowing with goodies] What have I got? Dude, what have I got? I got it all, man! I got- I'm the fucking- Dude, I'm the fucking thing... ]?!

Scawldy goon: The fucking horn thing... with all the fucking goodies coming out!

Scawldy: Nice working with you, fuckface! What do you call that thing?

Pilot: A cornucopia.

Scawldy: [''Points at him''; [w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak; ''mimics taking a toke''; [w:Methaqualone|'ludes in powdered form; [w:Motel 6|the Motel 6] Aha, there you go! Pilot, my man, knows everything! He's a regular goddamn ]! I got it all! I got the kind, daffy fucking bud, man... the hydro nuggety-nugs... red fiber... herbal medications sweep upon the nation! The red, red, red, red fiber, you know what I'm saying! I've got an amino acid concoction... marinating in the back right now, man! It creates a totally profound excursion! It opens up all your fucking pleasure glands... you know what I'm saying?! You're like in a field of snow... but you're really in sand... and you're making a goddamn little angel! Good God almighty, you're creating symphonies, you had no idea! You'll be a genius, my friend! I got rock soaked in the wine cooler. I've got wine cooler that's been soaked in rock! I got these new ]! You snort it up! Your head flies open! The bats fly in, they shoot out! I fucking snapped out of it... I chomped about four of them, right?! And I was fucking the Coke machine... in ]!

Scawldy goon: She was coming Fresca, man, like crazy.

Scawldy: [[w:opium|opium; ''Screams into Colt 45 bottle at head, imagining it as a phone''] I got some mushroom tea. I got some ecstasy. I got some ]. And I think I hear the police coming after me. I hear the police coming, I hear the police coming, I hear the police coming after me. What's it going to be, boys?

Pilot: [[w:Benzodiazepine|two Z's of endo; [w:ecstasy|100 hits of E] How about you give us ], ], and a page of blotter?

Scawldy: That's my man, pots and pans. I have it ready. I'll fill your order.

Michael Berkow: Your kids are one crutch away from a telethon.

Roman: Uh, can we help you?

Lenny Cole: You've got an act called "The Quidlickers".

Roman: We did, yeah.

Lenny Cole: Hmm... And there's a singer called "Johnny Quid".

Roman: There was.

Lenny Cole: Well, I'd like to see Mr. Quid.

Roman: I'd like to see him too, but uh that's gonna be a little tricky because according to the papers, the only songs Mr. Quid's gonna be singing are hymns

Lenny Cole: And I shed a tear. I shed a tear for all those bone-tops that read the papers and believe that shit. But did you see his body? Did you see him smacked-up and cracked-up with his tongue on his chin and his cock in his hand, swinging from the rafters like a real RocknRolla? No, you didn't, did you? And nobody else fucking did either, did they? Because he ain't dead. He's alive, alive-o somewhere selling cockles and mussels and a very important painting that doesn't belong to him.

Martin Blank: Debi's house.

Paul Spericki: Kinda crept up on you, didn't it?

Martin Blank: No, you drove us here.

Martin Blank: I'm a professional killer.

Paul Spericki: Do you have to do post-graduate work for that, or can you just jump right in?

Marcella: Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go back home, and they want you to delete someone while you're there.

Paul Spericki: I'll see you at the "I've-Peaked-and-I'm-Kidding-Myself" party.

Agent Steve Lardner: You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. It doesn't work like that. You've got to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy. Then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy.

Ultimart Clerk: [after the convenience store blows up] No, I'm NOT all right! I'm hurt, I'm pissed... I gotta find a new job!

Bob Destepello: You wanna do some blow?

Paul Spericki: Wow. Just looking for a little validation for my life but apparently came up SHORT!

Cynthia Morales: Well maybe you should stop overcompensating, you're a good looking... I mean you look fine some women like a bald head.

Alan Weiss: I am not bald yet.

Cynthia Morales: I'm just saying maybe you should embrace it. You could cut it real short... some women like that they find it sexy.

Cynthia Morales: No, no, no, let me ask you something, Weiss. Do you actually get women like this? I was really curious if there were actually women out there in the world who walk by the construction lunch break which is your very personality and say: "Oh, yeah, please. Baby, give it to me. Give me some of that hard hat, right here, right now." There are actually women like that?

Alan Weiss: A couple.

Alan Weiss: To answer your question, no, I don't get women like that. I haven't actually had a girlfriend since... well let's just say that women stopped beating down my door the same time that the bangs stopped covering the receding hairline.

Alan Weiss: You know, it's not enough just to be a beauty Morales, you have to be able to appreciate beauty too.

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

Ross: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: [''Noticing Ross, and Cindy at the teleprompter keyboard''; ''Rushes over to Cindy''] Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?!

Ross: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this!

Ross: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

Ross: O shizl gzngahr BBBBBTTTTTGGGGTGGGGTGGGG shzn blah hary % + 7, , 1 9 3 4 19 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 4 6 9

Ross: I been cleanin after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outie. Peace.

Denny: Man, all you gotta do is find a girl that looks just like her, nail her, and then dump her, man. Get her of your mind.

Mark: Your only mistake is that you didn't dump her first. Diane Court is a show pony. You need a stallion, my friend. Walk with us and you walk tall.

Luke: Bitches, man.

Lloyd Dobler: I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas n Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?

Joe: [pause] By choice, man.