Memorable Quotes from Jeremy Piven
13 quotesA Dark Humor on Parenting Challenges
Michael Berkow
Your kids are one crutch away from a telethon.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Quidlickers and Johnny Quid
Roman
Uh, can we help you?
Lenny Cole
You've got an act called "The Quidlickers".
Roman
We did, yeah.
Lenny Cole
Hmm... And there's a singer called "Johnny Quid".
Roman
There was.
Lenny Cole
Well, I'd like to see Mr. Quid.
Roman
I'd like to see him too, but uh that's gonna be a little tricky because according to the papers, the only songs Mr. Quid's gonna be singing are hymns
Lenny Cole
And I shed a tear. I shed a tear for all those bone-tops that read the papers and believe that shit. But did you see his body? Did you see him smacked-up and cracked-up with his tongue on his chin and his cock in his hand, swinging from the rafters like a real RocknRolla? No, you didn't, did you? And nobody else fucking did either, did they? Because he ain't dead. He's alive, alive-o somewhere selling cockles and mussels and a very important painting that doesn't belong to him.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity About Attraction and Personalities
Cynthia Morales
No, no, no, let me ask you something, Weiss. Do you actually get women like this? I was really curious if there were actually women out there in the world who walk by the construction lunch break which is your very personality and say: "Oh, yeah, please. Baby, give it to me. Give me some of that hard hat, right here, right now." There are actually women like that?
Alan Weiss
A couple.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Change in Personal Appearance
Cynthia Morales
Well maybe you should stop overcompensating, you're a good looking... I mean you look fine some women like a bald head.
Alan Weiss
I am not bald yet.
Cynthia Morales
I'm just saying maybe you should embrace it. You could cut it real short... some women like that they find it sexy.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Dangers of Ignoring the Truth
Ross Giggins
Turning now to sports...
Ross
And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Carson Ward
Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?!
[''Noticing Ross, and Cindy at the teleprompter keyboard''; ''Rushes over to Cindy'']
Ross
It's a horrible fate.
Cindy
Carson, I have to do this!
Ross
Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
Ross
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Ross
I been cleanin after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outie. Peace.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Struggles with Relationships and Self-Perception
Alan Weiss
To answer your question, no, I don't get women like that. I haven't actually had a girlfriend since... well let's just say that women stopped beating down my door the same time that the bangs stopped covering the receding hairline.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Appreciating Beauty
Alan Weiss
You know, it's not enough just to be a beauty Morales, you have to be able to appreciate beauty too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tension and Humor in Unusual Interactions
Helen Hyde
Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me or are you gonna hand me that towel?
Pete Walston
I'm gonna stand here and stare at you.
Yves DuBois
What am I paying you for? 20 years in therapy and I start liking girls? That's malpractice.
Dr. Richard Jacks
Who would've thought that if another woman came between me and Sarah, that it would be me.
Dr. Richard Jacks
I know you think I'm crazy but this time I can prove it.
Dr. Richard Jacks
The next time I tell you I'm a girl, just take my word for it. OK?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Revelations Among Friends
Scawldy
Boys! What up! What's up, Jack? Jack! The God of Fuck, bro! Bro, Jilly Miranda.
[''Jack and Pilot enter Scawldy's bar, and he comes up to Jack and hugs him'']
Jack
Oh, no.
Scawldy
Hello? Hello? Bad dick! Very bad dick! Bad dick! Well, since I'm down here, I might as well just for a little bit-
[''Bends down to Jack's crotch'']
Jack
How does everybody on Planet Fricking Earth... know this shit already? You guys never know anything. You don't even know... ].
[[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|that Kennedy was assassinated]
Scawldy
Wait, George Kennedy was assassinated? Bro, Jilly Miranda is a deviant, okay? She's a major deve. She gets off on causing trouble, okay? But did she at least... make you bust a little coo-coo-coo? Did you? 11 years... he hasn't busted a nut, right?
Jack
Hey, five.
Scawldy goon
Taking it off over here, boss.
Scawldy
Hey, Pilot, you little fuck, did you sell that boom?
Pilot
Yeah. ] starts barking at Pilot]
[''Mayhem [[w:Pitbull dog|the Pitbull dog]
Scawldy
Hey, shut up! Mayhem, shut the fuck up! All right. The hound has some major trust issues... with our boy Pilot here.
Scawldy goon
Yo, wiping it off over here, boss.
Scawldy
Listen, I tell you, putting you down at that water park... was an entrepreneurial milestone. Speaking of which... there's a rave over by ].
[[w:Whiskey Pete|Whiskey Pete's]
Scawldy goon
Yo, sip of water over here, boss.
Scawldy
Will you shut the fuck up for a blink of an eye! I want you over there... with ] and ], all right?
[''To dog''; [w:Gamma-hydroxybutyrate|some GHB; [w:LSD|some window pane]
Pilot
Yo, I can't.
Scawldy
What?
Pilot
I can't, man. I'm going with Jack.
Scawldy
Going with Jack where?
Pilot
Scawldy! Scawldy!
[''Mayhem ferociously pulls on Pilot's sleeve'']
Jack
I've got to bail!
Scawldy
Of course, right. Burt Miranda. Of course, of course. All right, man, that's cool. Where you guys headed?
Jack
We're thinking Seattle, you know?
Scawldy
Jilly Miranda, man... I'd like to take a ride on her. Little sweet ass pooper, you know what I mean? ] on table] Wahoo! Let's go.
[''Serves two [[w:Colt 45 (malt liquor)|Colt 45s]
Jack
No, Scawldy, look... I've got to get out of here, all right?
Scawldy
What is your rush, boys? Come on, you've got the world... by a fucking string right here!
[''Sits down'']
Jack
Scawldy! I've got to go!
Pilot
Yo, man, can I have my cut?
Jack
They're after my fucking toes, man!
Scawldy
FUCK! Well, otay. Where you guys going? Detroit? Dee-troit?
[''Screams'']
Pilot
Yeah, Detroit. Detroit's cool.
Scawldy
Right on. Detroit's got that old school shit... you know what I'm saying? Like ], man. I got you in a stranglehold, baby
[[w:Ted Nugent|Motor City Madman, Ted Fucking Nugent]
Pilot
You know, Scawld... we're thinking about getting a stake. Sell as we go, finance the trip. The Detroit trip.
Scawldy
What are you boys thinking about? What do you need?
Pilot
Well, what do you got?
Scawldy
What have I got? Dude, what have I got? I got it all, man! I got- I'm the fucking- Dude, I'm the fucking thing... ]?!
[[w:cornucopia|what is that thing at Thanksgiving... the horn thing, the fucking horn thing... overflowing with goodies]
Scawldy goon
The fucking horn thing... with all the fucking goodies coming out!
Scawldy
Nice working with you, fuckface! What do you call that thing?
Pilot
A cornucopia.
Scawldy
Aha, there you go! Pilot, my man, knows everything! He's a regular goddamn ]! I got it all! I got the kind, daffy fucking bud, man... the hydro nuggety-nugs... red fiber... herbal medications sweep upon the nation! The red, red, red, red fiber, you know what I'm saying! I've got an amino acid concoction... marinating in the back right now, man! It creates a totally profound excursion! It opens up all your fucking pleasure glands... you know what I'm saying?! You're like in a field of snow... but you're really in sand... and you're making a goddamn little angel! Good God almighty, you're creating symphonies, you had no idea! You'll be a genius, my friend! I got rock soaked in the wine cooler. I've got wine cooler that's been soaked in rock! I got these new ]! You snort it up! Your head flies open! The bats fly in, they shoot out! I fucking snapped out of it... I chomped about four of them, right?! And I was fucking the Coke machine... in ]!
[''Points at him''; [w:Pat Sajak|Pat Sajak; ''mimics taking a toke''; [w:Methaqualone|'ludes in powdered form; [w:Motel 6|the Motel 6]
Scawldy goon
She was coming Fresca, man, like crazy.
Scawldy
I got some mushroom tea. I got some ecstasy. I got some ]. And I think I hear the police coming after me. I hear the police coming, I hear the police coming, I hear the police coming after me. What's it going to be, boys?
[[w:opium|opium; ''Screams into Colt 45 bottle at head, imagining it as a phone'']
Pilot
How about you give us ], ], and a page of blotter?
[[w:Benzodiazepine|two Z's of endo; [w:ecstasy|100 hits of E]
Scawldy
That's my man, pots and pans. I have it ready. I'll fill your order.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflicted Morality and Job Frustrations
Marcella
Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go back home, and they want you to delete someone while you're there.
Paul Spericki
I'll see you at the "I've-Peaked-and-I'm-Kidding-Myself" party.
Agent Steve Lardner
You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. It doesn't work like that. You've got to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy. Then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy.
Ultimart Clerk
No, I'm NOT all right! I'm hurt, I'm pissed... I gotta find a new job!
[after the convenience store blows up]
Bob Destepello
You wanna do some blow?
Paul Spericki
Wow. Just looking for a little validation for my life but apparently came up SHORT!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Reality of Professional Killing
Martin Blank
I'm a professional killer.
Paul Spericki
Do you have to do post-graduate work for that, or can you just jump right in?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Arrival at Debi's House
Martin Blank
Debi's house.
Paul Spericki
Kinda crept up on you, didn't it?
Martin Blank
No, you drove us here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Advice on Women and Relationships
Denny
Man, all you gotta do is find a girl that looks just like her, nail her, and then dump her, man. Get her of your mind.
Mark
Your only mistake is that you didn't dump her first. Diane Court is a show pony. You need a stallion, my friend. Walk with us and you walk tall.
Luke
Bitches, man.
Lloyd Dobler
I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas n Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?
Joe
By choice, man.
[pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.