Memorable Quotes from Jessica Barth
2 quotesStruggles of Parenthood and Citizenship
Ted
Dear Ted, your ] account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your ] has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a ] rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.
[reading notes from mail; [w:Chase Bank|Chase Bank; [w:Discover Card|Discover card; [w:Papa Gino's|Papa Gino's]
Tami-Lynn
This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
[sad; looking at baby's shoes]
Ted
I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
Tami-Lynn
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
[discovers a note]
Ted
What? What's wrong?
[takes his reading glasses off]
Tami-Lynn
Look at this. "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
[reads it]
Ted
Let me see that. This is a nightmare.
[snatches the note; reads it, and feels shocked at it]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Conversations About Food and Finances
Ted
Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
[reading his paper]
Tami-Lynn
I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
[at the stove]
Ted
What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
Tami-Lynn
I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
Ted
You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.
Tami-Lynn
Yeah? So are you.
Ted
Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.
Tami-Lynn
Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!
Ted
I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
Tami-Lynn
Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!
Ted
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn
You're always cutting me off!
Ted
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn
It's important to look good at work, okay?
Ted
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn
I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
Ted
Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
Tami-Lynn
You're acting like an asshole, all right?!
Ted
Oh, what am I actin like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!
Tami-Lynn
Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
Ted
You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
Tami-Lynn
I am the face of the business, okay? So get the fuck off my case!
Ted
The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
Tami-Lynn
I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
Ted
Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
Tami-Lynn
He treated me good. And... He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
[Just then, Tami-Lynn mock gasps]
Ted
Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis!
[Hearing this makes Tami-Lynn looks pissed.]
Tami-Lynn
What the fuck did you just call me?! FUCKER?!
[angry; She grabs the frying pan quickly.; She angrily throws the pan at Ted]
Ted
I said, "Boston--" What the fuck?!
[avoids getting hit by pan; shocked]
Tami-Lynn
You wanna call me a "whore"?!
[she throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it]
Ted
You wanna throw shit?!
[He picks up the bottle, sternly]
Tami-Lynn
Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
[firmly]
Ted
I'll fucking throw shit! There, see?! How do you like that?!
[He angrily throws bottle at wall, breaking it; Ted then angrily tips the table]
Tami-Lynn
Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!
[sarcastically]
Ted
Oh, for Christ's sake. Hey, you shut the fuck up!
[hears a neighbor, groans; Then, he opens the window and yells]
Neighbor
Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!
Ted
Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
Neighbor
I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
Ted
Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
Neighbor
Shut the fuck up, you stupid BITCH!
Ted
Hey, shut up, lady!
Neighbor
Run the fuck back to Russia, *YOU BITCH*!
Ted
This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying TO sleep!
Neighbor
Shut the fuck up! Hey, I'm really sorry!
[Another neighbor firmly closes the window; to Ted]
Ted
Yeah, me too.
Neighbor
She's worse than us.
Ted
Yeah, she's our enemy now.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.