Jessica BarthQuotes

Ted: [reading notes from mail; [w:Chase Bank|Chase Bank; [w:Discover Card|Discover card; [w:Papa Gino's|Papa Gino's] Dear Ted, your ] account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your ] has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a ] rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.

Tami-Lynn: [sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.

Ted: I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.

Tami-Lynn: [discovers a note] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!

Ted: [takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong?

Tami-Lynn: [reads it] Look at this. "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?

Ted: [snatches the note; reads it, and feels shocked at it] Let me see that. This is a nightmare.

Ted: [reading his paper] Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?

Tami-Lynn: [at the stove] I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?

Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?

Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?

Ted: You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.

Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.

Ted: Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.

Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!

Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.

Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!

Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off!

Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?

Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!

Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your ass!

Tami-Lynn: You're acting like an asshole, all right?!

Ted: Oh, what am I actin like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!

Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!

Ted: You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!

Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay? So get the fuck off my case!

Ted: The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!

Tami-Lynn: I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.

Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!

Tami-Lynn: [Just then, Tami-Lynn mock gasps] He treated me good. And... He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!

Ted: [Hearing this makes Tami-Lynn looks pissed.] Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis!

Tami-Lynn: [angry; She grabs the frying pan quickly.; She angrily throws the pan at Ted] What the fuck did you just call me?! FUCKER?!

Ted: [avoids getting hit by pan; shocked] I said, "Boston--" What the fuck?!

Tami-Lynn: [she throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it] You wanna call me a "whore"?!

Ted: [He picks up the bottle, sternly] You wanna throw shit?!

Tami-Lynn: [firmly] Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!

Ted: [He angrily throws bottle at wall, breaking it; Ted then angrily tips the table] I'll fucking throw shit! There, see?! How do you like that?!

Tami-Lynn: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!

Ted: [hears a neighbor, groans; Then, he opens the window and yells] Oh, for Christ's sake. Hey, you shut the fuck up!

Neighbor: Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!

Ted: Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!

Neighbor: I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Ted: Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

Neighbor: Shut the fuck up, you stupid BITCH!

Ted: Hey, shut up, lady!

Neighbor: Run the fuck back to Russia, *YOU BITCH*!

Ted: This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying TO sleep!

Neighbor: [Another neighbor firmly closes the window; to Ted] Shut the fuck up! Hey, I'm really sorry!

Ted: Yeah, me too.

Neighbor: She's worse than us.

Ted: Yeah, she's our enemy now.