Jim CarreyQuotes

Valerie: Aw, Wiploc, I think I'll miss you least of all.

Wiploc: You want a liplock from Wiploc?

Wiploc: Finland is here?

Valerie: Finland? No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway. Gawd, you guys sure learn fast.

Adult Joe Wenteworth: [Presses his hand against Simon's tombstone] Into paradise...may the angels lead you.

Simon Wenteworth: Dad. Dad! I'd love to stand around in the graveyard all day, but I got a game. Remember?

Adult Joe Wenteworth: Okay, Simon. I'm coming. You know, I was just thinking about that. Last year, you played in the squirt league, right?

Simon Wenteworth: Yeah.

Adult Joe Wenteworth: This year, it's Pee-Wee.

Simon Wenteworth: So?

Adult Joe Wenteworth: [Sees that Simon doesn't get it] So what do they want you to do? Play soccer, or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Billy! I hear you got a lot of flocking birds.

Lloyd Christmas: Crap on toast!

Mr. Popper: Where are my penguins?!

Nat Jones: Listen, sir, I'm gonna have to call you right back. They're not your penguins, Mr. Popper.

Mr. Popper: Don't give us that runaround, slick. Why aren't my penguins out there?

Nat Jones: Because we already have penguins. What we don't have is an emu. Or a Komodo dragon. Or a Bengal tiger.

Mr. Popper: What are you talking about, hmm?

Nat Jones: Trading, Mr. Popper. Zoos do it all the time. Same thing with sports teams. And how do you think the New York Yankees won 27 of their championships? It sure wasn't their farming system.

Amanda: All right, where are you sending them?

Nat Jones: I'm sending three to Washington and three to Tokyo and the two penguin chicks are going all the way to Dubai.

Janie: But you can't split them up. They're a family.

Nat Jones: For God's sake! They're just birds.

Mr. Popper: Just birds? Okay, and what about the American bald eagle? Is that just a bird?

Nat Jones: Yes.

Mr. Popper: Okay, and what about... No, Big Bird is a Muppet. Look, can my family just see them for once? My family is all torn up about it and my kids are distraught, right, Billy?

Billy: Please, sir, can we just say goodbye?

Nat Jones: No.

Mr. Popper: Children, this is what a liar looks like. Take a mental picture.

Nat Jones: Look, Popper, I couldn't even if I wanted to. They're already gone.

Mr. Popper: You are falling asleep.

Amanda: No I'm not.

Mr. Popper: Hmm, that must be me.

Amanda: You really should go to bed.

Mr. Popper: Uh-uh, I'm not leaving him, he's a Popper.

Mr. Popper: Hello! I have to send the penguins back.

Voice of Antarctic Friend: Send-da-penguin?

Mr. Popper: Yes, send penguins.

Pippi: [Reads] Per your predicament, I printed a pertinent page from Wikipedia. "Gentoo penguins may periodically imprint on a particular person as if they were a penguin. Once imprinted, they remain permanently proximate to their parental proxy.

Mr. Popper: Is it actually written that way?

Pippi: I'm paraphrasing.

Mr. Popper: I'm not coming in to work again today.

Pippi: Pourquoi?

Mr. Popper: I have a pest problem.

Pippi: What particular pest is the problem?

Mr. Popper: It's a penguin.

Pippi: Penguin?

Mr. Popper: Yeah! It starts with "p"; you ought to be able to handle it.

Pippi: [to receptionist] Pippi Pepennopolis; I'm Mr. Popper's personal assistant. I process his paper and procure his periodicals.

Mr. Popper: [Aside, to receptionist] She doesn't even know she's doing it.

Pippi: Pardon?

Mr. Popper: Nothing.

Mr. Popper: When did I ever disappoint anybody?

Mr. Popper: Could you pass the salt? I'll get it.

Mr. Popper: [to Nat, hitting him with the leash] Why are you hitting yourself, huh? Why are you hitting yourself? That's not attractive for a zoo official.

Mr. Popper: That's not cute.

Lloyd Christmas: [deleted scene] Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!

Lloyd Christmas: Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

Lloyd Christmas: [he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter] (about a passing woman at the preservation society) I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti!

Lloyd Christmas: [after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea] To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker.

Lloyd Christmas: [pretends to promote Turbo Lax] One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief.

Lloyd Christmas: [makes a loud, weird noise] Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

Lloyd Christmas: Life's a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you're chewin on a burger, and the next minute you're dead meat.

Fulton Greenwall: [gently pats Ace on the shoulder] They will now consummate the marriage in the witness of the tribe. Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud.

Ace Ventura: [[Pride; The Wachootoo prince emerges from tent screaming angrily] ] is an abomination. One must forego the self to attain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation. What's that he's saying?

Fulton Greenwall: [looks pointedly at Ace] I think he's saying she's not a virgin.

Ace Ventura: ... They can tell that?!

Vincent Cadby: [[money] Hello, Ace. You want your ]?

Ace Ventura: Wrong again, Sweeney Toad! I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it?!

Vincent Cadby: Wait - whatever can you mean?

Ace Ventura: [takes out a book and reads from it; closes the book] Guano? Hello?! Does "poop" ring a bell? "Guano: mined as a source of nitrate, producing 84% of the world's supply of fertilizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry." THAT'S what this war is all about! You can't legally take possession of the caves as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area, and you want that dookie so bad, you can taste it!

Fulton Greenwall: But sir, I thought that--

Vincent Cadby: [quietly; back to Ace] Yes, thank you, Fulton. That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura... What has it got to do with me?

Ace Ventura: [does an exaggerated inhalation of air, then speaks rapidly; steps back while talking backwards; does pelvic thrusts] I thought you'd never ask! The day I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster; yesterday I saw the same white substance outside the hut where the bat was kept, and suddenly it hit me: the great white bat has great white guano! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion on your palm! ...Let me run that back for ya! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRATION ON YOUR PALM! DAMN, I'M GOOD! Can you feel that?! Huh?! Can you feel it, Captain Compost?! THE DAY OF REDEMPTION IS AT HAND! REPENT... and thou shall be saved!

Ace Ventura: [sits down crosslegged; meditates and recites "All righty then" in trance to communicate with his master at the monastery] Think! Someone wants these two tribes to destroy each other. There must be something valuable in this equation. Perhaps we should meditate upon it, Spike. For it is said that when seeking answers, one must quiet the soul in order to hear them. What is it the Wachatis possess that is of great value to other men - besides the princess with the amazing rack? All righty, then.

Abbot: [sees Ace's spirit] Oh Ace. You're back?

Ace: [[time] You can dispense with the smallpox, all-knowing one. I'm here on business, and ] is of the essence.

Abbot: Very well. What answer do you seek?

Ace: I need to know what it is the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man.

Abbot: The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?

Ace: Medallion? Why... surely! I left it back, uhh, with my body.

Abbot: Your aura is weakening.

Ace: [suddenly realizes the answer; the Abbot smiles and nods; Ace opens his eyes] OKAY, I THREW IT IN A CAVE! What do you want from me?! What are you? Mr. Perfect?! You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a BIG PILE of... Guano! They have GUANO!

Ace Ventura: [faces the Wachootoo] Tell them what I'm saying. I come in peace!

Ouda: [in poorly-translated Wachootoo; The Wachootoo look suspicious] White Devil say, "I will harm you.

Ace: [to Ouda] I couldn't help but notice the "equinsu ocha" part. Did you just refer to me as "White Devil"?

Ouda: This is how they know you.

Ace: [to Wachootoo] Leave that part out from now on! I represent the princess!

Ouda: [in poorly-translated Wachootoo; tribesmen look confused; one young man eyes Ace with interest] I am a Princess.

Ace: War is hell. The last thing we want... is a fight!

Ouda: [in poorly-translated Wachootoo; The Wachootoo roar in anger; the Chief speaks to Ace] I want to fight, so go to hell." The chief said, "If you pass all Wachootoo tests, you do not die.

Ace: [observes the Wachootoo for a moment] Kooky!

Ace Ventura: [inspects the Great White Bat's sacred hut upon entering; starts to climb up on the altar, but quickly jumps off as the Chief shouts and draws a blade on him] Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel.

Fulton Greenwall: Please, Mr. Ventura! That is sacred ground! I'm sorry, but only the Wachati are allowed to step there.

Ace Ventura: [grins awkwardly] Hey... take it easy! I'm the loogie guy, remember?

Fulton Greenwall: [to Ace] Er, yes, yes, Chief, thank you. Thank you. The Chief says that unless the Sacred Bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death!

Ace Ventura: What type of bat are we talking about here?

Fulton Greenwall: The great white bat, of course.

Ace Ventura: [approaches him as intense music plays for a moment] Crepuscular chiroptera?!

Fulton Greenwall: Yes. But to the natives... Shikaka.

Ace Ventura: [they kneel again; they kneel once more; Ace chuckles deviously; the chief begins to kneel but catches on that he didn't say the name right; Chief kneels; points outside; the Chief leaves the hut] Shikaka? Shikaka! Shikasha! Ahhh! Sssssshhhhhhhish-kebab. Sssssshhhh- "Shawshank Redemption". CHI-CA-GO! You're outta there! Go on, you're gone, go on.

Ace Ventura: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious, and the pottery is lovely.

Ouda: It's made from guano.

Ace Ventura: [licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl] Guano. Sounds so familiar.

Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.

Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their chief resource, they use it to make many things in the village.

Ace Ventura: ... Yummy!

Ace Ventura: [leaning at the bottom of the staircase] That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!

McGuire: Who is this ghastly man?

Ace: [whispering] Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy! Hey... thanks for the free parking.

Pompous woman: Another activist, McGuire.

McGuire: [snobby laugh] Activist, yes...

Ace: [imitating him] Activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!

Pompous Woman: Mr. Ventura, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.

Ace: [smacks McGuire unconscious, then drapes him over his shoulders, in mockery of the woman's fur wrap; sings and dances around the room, then shakes the man, making his jaw move; hands him back to the woman] Alrighty then! You know something? You're right! Do not pass Go! Do not collect 200 dollars! It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn.

Vincent Cadby: Tell me, Mr. Ventura - just how good are you?

Ace Ventura: [inspects him for a moment; does a dramatic turn] You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in Northern Africa, and upon your return, you more than likely took a spill because of some... shoddy masonry work!

Vincent Cadby: [dryly and evasively] Very impressive. Might one ask how?

Ace Ventura: [does an exaggerated inhalation of air, then speaks rapidly; gasps, having run out of breath] Surely! The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of three to five feet; the small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit; your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier, was most likely purchased through the North African black market known to reside in GOTAN!

Vincent Cadby: And my work habits?

Ace Ventura: Yes, a workaholic. The urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a "single shake" man - far too busy for the follow-up jiggle!

Fulton Greenwall: Brilliant, Mr. Ventura! Simply brilliant!

Ace Ventura: Spank you, Greenwall! Spank you very much.

Ace Ventura: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...

Ace Ventura: [singing; Slinky stops on the penultimate step] Isn't this incredible?! It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky! You gotta get a Slinky! Slinky, Slinky! Go, Slinky, go! AAAAWWWWWWW, MAN! Can you believe it?! It was right there! Can I do it one more time?

Fulton Greenwall: Forgive me, Mr. Ventura, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.

Ace Ventura: Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that you wanna do.

Ace Ventura: What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?

Abbot: [gives Ace his own] Oh, here, take mine.

Ace Ventura: [shocked] This took you eighty years to achieve!!!

Abbot: That's okay, I don't like it anymore. Really.

Ace Ventura: [[sacrifice; [choice] In light of this personal ] you've made... I have no ]... but to take the case.

Abbot: Great! I'll go tell the others.

Ace Ventura: Master! ... Break it to them gently.

Ace Ventura: I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.

Fulton Greenwall: Let my introduce myself - my name is Fulton Greenwall, and I'm sent here to employ your services in the retrieval of a lost animal. Now, can you help us?

Ace Ventura: Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky, and loaded with danger!

Carl Allen: Okay, maybe's fine. I like maybe.

Carl Allen: The old Carl didn't think he was enough for anybody. I thought if I said yes to things, and got involved with people, then sooner or later they'd find out I'm not enough. I didn't think I had anything to share. But now I know that what I have to share is pretty huge, and I want to share it with you.

Carl Allen: * Popping up in back seat of Terrence Bundley's car.

Carl Allen: Terrence, Don't freak out...

Carl Allen: * After he mishears a mechanic and thinks he is calling him a "No-man

Carl Allen: Not possible!

Carl Allen: Well, it's been a nice run. I might get shit-canned, Norm. Anyway, don't worry about it — I'm sure it will lead to something good.

Carl Allen: * On Allison, to Peter

Carl Allen: She's spontaneous. She's ballsy. She has no clue what she's doing and she doesn't care. She's the complete opposite of me.

Carl Allen: [[w:Red Bull|Red Bull] You ever had a ]? I've never had a Red Bull before, but I had a Red Bull last night — I really like Red Bull.

Carl Allen: [[w:Jumper (song)|Jumper; [w:Third Eye Blind|Third Eye Blind] *After singing and playing ]" by ] on guitar to a person prepared to jump off a building

Carl Allen: I got blisters on my fingers!

Carl Allen: [sic] Hey, I'm just saying "yes" to life — cause — you gotta say "yes" to life. I'm in a secret conevant! ... that sounded naughty!

Carl Allen: [[Saw (film)|Saw] *While watching ]

Carl Allen: Oh come on! You're already half-way through. Just snap it off, already!

Carl Allen: * Reading from a "Yes!" pamphlet.

Carl Allen: Yes always leads to something good." "Never avoid opportunities. They may come in any form.

Carl Allen: * Walking with gasoline can, after being stranded.

Carl Allen: [[Charles Manson|Manson] Hey Carl, do you wanna give all your money away to some homeless guy? Yes, yes I do. How bout letting him burn up your phone battery so that you can't call Triple-A when your car runs out of gas? You know what? That sounds like a fuckin great idea! Why don't you take a late night stroll through the hills and get killed by the ] family? Don't mind if I do!

Carl Allen: * First lines of movie, refusing to answer his telephone.

Carl Allen: No. No means no!

Grinch: [catapults the red "Hazardous Waste" bag at the picture of Augustus; singing; He goes down the elevator; referring to Cindy Lou; He walks behind the wardrobe, humming a tune; He creeps out from behind the wardrobe, refers to Cindy Lou again; He sees the tiny red heart beating on his X-ray; breaks the fourth wall; to the audience watching; He frowns and walks out of frame; to Max, shaking hands quickly; He throws his hand towards Max's direction; Max barks and runs in that direction, while the Grinch chortles to himself; He takes a running leap onto his bed; He turns his phone on] Oooh! Sweet. ♪ Be it ever so...heinous, there's no place like home. ♪ 1st floor, factory rejects. Those Whos are hard to frazzle, Max. But we did our worst, and that's all that matters. At least I scared the bejeebles outta that little girl in the post office. She'll be scarred for life if you're lucky. Aaah! DAAAAA-AAA-AAAAAAAAAAH!!! Funny she didn't rat on us though. Must be afraid of reprisals. Yes! Down a size and ½ And this time, I'll keep it off. Get the stick, Max! Get the stick! There's no stick. I'm smarter. Any calls?

Grinch: [as Max sneezes] Gesundheit. (Oh, no.)

Cindy: Aaah!

Grinch: Aaah!

Cindy: Aaaah!

Grinch: Aaaaaaah!

Cindy: You're the, the, the, the--

Grinch: [imitating Cindy; normal voice; loudly] The, the, the, the--" THE GRINCH!

Cindy: [falls down a mail shaft and gets stuck] Aaah! Help!

Grinch: Well...

Cindy: Help!

Grinch: ...that worked out nicely.

Cindy: [big stamp stamps fragile on present; muffled] Help! Help me! Somebody!

Grinch: [to Max] Max, let's go. Our work here is finished. Sheesh!

Cindy: Help me! Please! Help!

Grinch: [sees Max biting his own cloak] That is not a chew toy! Stop it, Max! Get that out of your mouth! You have no idea where it's been!

Cindy: Help!

Grinch: [scowls; annoyed] Ohhh... Bleeding hearts of the world, UNITE!

Cindy: Help! Help!

Grinch: [saves Cindy; grumbles; angrily takes back his goofy mask] There! There. Give me that! DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO YOU? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU SOME KIND OF WILD ANIMAL? HUH?!

Cindy: [shaking her head] Uh-uh.

Grinch: [to Max; heads to the exit] Let's go.

Cindy: Thanks for saving me.

Grinch: [screeches to a stop, fingers scrape against glass, turns around angrily] Saving you? Is that what you think I was doing?

Cindy: [nods] Uh-huh.

Grinch: [wags finger; grabs wrapping paper; begins wrapping Cindy Lou wildly in wrapping paper; stops wrapping, to Max; resumes wrapping Cindy Lou in wrapping paper, stops again] Wrong-o. I merely noticed that you were improperly packaged, my dear! DRAT! Hold still! Max, pick out a bow! Can I use your finger for a second?

Cindy: Hello? Hello!

Grinch: [puts on his mask] Ow.

Lou: [enters back room] Cindy?

Cindy: [Lou sees her covered in gift wrapping that the Grinch wrapped her up with earlier] Dad. Daddy! Daddy!

Lou: What the hey? Honey? Cindy?

Cindy: [removes gift wrapping] Dad, it was amazing!

Lou: You've been practicing your Christmas wrapping. Honey, I'm so proud of you.

Cindy: Uh, oh. Well--

Lou: Now that's holiday!

Narrator: Sweet little Cindy didn't know what to do. In her head bum-tumbled a conflict or two; "If the Grinch was so bad, then why did he save me? Maybe he wasn't so bad.

Lou: Come on, let's go home.

Narrator: Maybe. Just maybe.

Cindy Lou Who: But, Dad, I just don't understand something. Why won't anyone talk about the Grinch?

Lou Lou Who: [puts stuff inside] You kids and the Grinch. You see, Cindy, the Grinch is a Who who...well, is actually not a Who. He's-- He's more of a--

Cindy: A what?

Lou: Exactly, honey. And he's a What who... doesn't like Christmas. Take a look at his mailbox, sweetie. Not a single Christmas card in or out...ever.

Cindy: But why?

Lou: Well—

Post Office Person 1: Lou, where's my mail?

Post Office Person 2: Lou, I got the wrong mail here!

Post Office Person 3: Lou, I got the wrong mail!

Lou: Uh, I'll be right there. Whoop!

Post Office Person 4: We got a problem!

Lou: Alright. Uh, we'll straighten this out.

Grinch: [at the back room of the post office with Max by the sorting machine; laughing with glee; laughs schemingly; turns around by the sorting machine, then starts throwing everyone's mail in the wrong boxes; throws more mail into the wrong boxes as he emits a light giggle of amusement] It'll take them years to sort this out. This is his and now it's yours, and this is hers and now it's his! And for the rest of you... ...Jury duty, Jury duty, Jury duty, blackmail, pink slip, chain letter, eviction notice, Jury duty! Gee-e-e-e-e-eee!

Lou: Would you mind helping me? Take this to the back room, honey. But, be careful of the sorting machine, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Drew Lou Who: DAD! DAD!

Lou Lou Who: What happened to you?

Stu Lou Who: It was THE GRINCH!

Female People: Grinch?!

Grinch: [mocks female voice] What do you want? I mean— Grinch? Oh, no!

Augustus May Who: Did someone just say "Grinch"?

The Grinch: [after Max scared off some teen Whos; angrily picks up an onion; hungrily eats the onion; Max whimpers; Max runs back inside; rubs his pits with the onion; angrily throws away the onion; turns to the camera; shows off a sinister-looking smile; the scene fades to Whoville with a view of Max and the Grinch's feet] Well done, Max! Serves them right, those yuletide-loving, sickly-sweet, nog-sucking cheer mongers! I really don't like em. Mm-mm. No, I don't. MAX! Get my cloak! I've been much too tolerant of these Who-venile delinquents, and their innocent, victim-less pranks. So they wanna get to know me, do they? They want to spend a little quality time with the Grinch. I guess I could use a little... social interaction.

Whoville Bike Men: Merry Christmas!

Grinch: [The bikers fall down, blocking traffic.] Oh, yeah. You bet, and ho, ho, ho, and... stuff. Oh, my. Someone has vandalized that vehicle. You see, Max? The city is a dangerous place.

Narrator: The Grinch hated Christmas. The whole Christmas season.

Who Officer: Top of the day.

Grinch: Flatfoot.

Narrator: Now please, don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

Grinch: [gives two Who girls a bandsaw] Hey kids. Here's a present for ya. Be sure to run real fast with it now. All right, come on. Double time. Let's go! Move, move, move, move, move!

Narrator: It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. Or it could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all...

Who: Merry Christmas!

Grinch: Is it?

Narrator: ...may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Crazy Mose: [The Grinch lifts his mask, deeply belches, blows odor on him, making him fall. The Grinch pulls his mask back on and laughs sneakily.] Hey, stranger! Won't let you go until you buy a chapeau!

Grinch: [after he crashes a mini car in the fire hydrant; gasps] IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!

Grinch: Give me that!

Grinch: [Max sneezes] Phew. Gesundheit. Ooh.

Grinch: [gets a jackhammer while vocalizing] Play, monkey! Play! Play, play, play!

Grinch: That worked out nicely.

Ace Ventura: [begging; indicates Marino] Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... He's the one you want! Kill him!

Dan Marino: No, kill him! He's the detective!

Ventura: [startled at Einhorn shooting into the air] No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy!

Marino: [to Ace] Crybaby.

Ventura: [to Dan] Jock.

Marino: Wimp.

Ventura: Musclehead.

Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP! I think I'll kill the dolphin first, I wouldn't want you to miss that!

Ace Ventura: [Ray's father peers out of the door's peephole, pointing a shotgun directly at Ace's face] Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle. And a clean pair of shorts.

Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?

Ventura: [breathes deeply; drawls; takes deep breath] Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro athlete to come out of Collier County, and one hell of a model American.

Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?

Ace Ventura: [weeps] No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.

Ace: [[w:Columbo_(character)|Oh, there is just... one more thing] ], Lieutenant. This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor, she lives across the hall. She said she heard a scream, isn't that right Ma'am?

Lady: Right.

Ace: (to the manager) And you said you had to open the balcony door when you came into the room?

Man: That's true.

Ace Ventura: You're certain you had to open this door?

Man: Yeah, I'm certain.

Lois Einhorn: What's the point, Ventura?!

Ventura: [walks out to the balcony and sings a sustained operatic note while opening and closing the door; no one can hear him when the door is closed; mimics Tangina character from [[w:Poltergeist (1982 film)|Poltergeist] Only this... This is double-paned soundproof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside this apartment before he was thrown over the balcony, and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Losers?

Einhorn: [everyone stares in shock] GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

Ventura: [starts making his way out with Melissa while looking at everyone, holding his fingers like an L] LOSERS! Leh-hew, ze-hers!

Roger Podactor: Who's he?

Melissa Robinson: Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.

Podactor: [shakes Ace's hand.] Nice to meet you, you were highly recommended by Martha Metz.

Ace Ventura: Martha Metz? Oh, yeah, the bitch!

Podactor: What?

Ventura: [looks at the tank area; walks off, leaving Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief] Pekingese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. Is that the tank? Excuse me.

Ace Ventura: [using his rear end to talk to Emilio] Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!

Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes in here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Ace Ventura: [turns around to face Emilio] I think I can keep him under control, but you're going to have to tell me who's working the Snowflake case.

Emilio: Hey, I can't do nothing for you on that one. My hands are totally tied.

Ace Ventura: [turns back] All right, that's it! NOW it's my turn! Five minutes alone, that's all I need! C'MON!

Detective: [leans in to talk to Emilio] Better look alive. Einhorn's on her way down.

Ace Ventura: [[w:Dragnet_(theme_music)|Bum, bum bum, bum!] Ooooh! ]!

Emilio: Come on, now. Ace, please.

Ace Ventura: What's the matter? Afraid I'll make a stink? Come on!

Emilio: Aguado's working the case, all right?

Ace Ventura: [turns and sits on the chair] Aguado! Good call!

Emilio: [[dolphin] We're just a little busy now with murderers and burglaries and drug dealers. Things like that. A missing ] isn't exactly a high priority.

Ace Ventura: [starts to shake] Now you've pissed him off.

Emilio: Would you give me a break?

Ace Ventura: [exaggerates the shakes] I can't hold him much longer!

Emilio: My boss is coming! Okay, look. We ran a check with local animal-rights groups. We checked out the taxidermists and we already checked on van rentals. So far, nothing, nathin', nada. All right?

Ace Ventura: Any unusual bets being made?

Emilio: Of course! This is Super Bowl!

Ace Ventura: What'd you find out about the tank?

Emilio: Nothing. Tire tracks, an escape route. A guard didn't see anything.

Ace Ventura: [shines Emilio's desk lamp into Emilio's face] That's it?

Emilio: I swear. Now will you please get the hell out of here before I get into trouble?

Ace Ventura: [turns his back; [w:Binaca (breath spray)|Binaca] Thank you for all your cooperation! By the way, do you have a mint? Perhaps some ]?

Ace Ventura: [clears throat, still speaking backwards; sees Lois Einhorn] Assholiomio...Osodomia...Lea-- HOLY...testicle Tuesday!

Lois Einhorn: [to Emilio] What the hell is he doing here?

Ace Ventura: [[w:John F. Kennedy assassination|I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll] I came to confess. ].

Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?

Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds...porking his wife!

Aguado: [tries to attack Ace, but he misses] Why, you-

Ace: [takes him down and holds his face near the dead cockroach] Come on! Now, kiss and make up.

Mr. Shickadance: Ventura!

Ace Ventura: [[Satan; He turns around to face Mr. Shickadance.] Yes, ]? Oh, I'm sorry sir, you sounded like someone else.

Mr. Shickadance: [Coughs loudly] Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura. You owe me, rent!

Ace Ventura: [Shows Mr. Shickadance, a $25,000 reward poster; [bird] Mr. Shickadance, I told you. You're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Look at that. That's a true albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it and is offering a huge reward. As soon as I find this ], you're paid.

Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard them again this morning, scratching around.

Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.

Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah! What's all this pet food for?

Ace Ventura: ...Fiber?

Ace Ventura: [trying to figure out the connection between Lt. Einhorn and Ray Finkle, but sees his pet dog sitting on the Finkle photograph, and deduces something by the dog's hair making it look as if Finkle has woman's hair.; remembering Einhorn had kissed him; goes to vomit in the bathroom] What the...that's it. That's it. Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a MAN! OH MY GOD! EINHORN IS A MAN?! It wasn't a gun! It wasn't a gun!

Ace Ventura: [finding a pet shark where he expected a dolphin] Not Snowflake! Not Snowflake!

Ace Ventura: [imitating 'Star Trek'; [time; [species; [life; [universe; [black hole] Captain's log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in ] to save an ancient ] from... total annihilation. So far... no... signs of aquatic ], but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this ] another ], I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER!

Fletcher Reede: STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!!

Fletcher Reede: I'M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!

Fletcher Reede: [after farting in the elevator] It was me!

Fletcher Reede: [suddenly monotone; claps both hand over his mouth while involuntarily ranting] What's wrong with me? I'm getting what I deserve, I'm reaping what I sow, I-

Dr. Robotnik: Are you in charge here?

Major Bennington: Yes, I am.

Robotnik: Nope!

Bennington: My–

Robotnik: Wrong!

Bennington: Name–

Robotnik: I'm in charge!

Bennington: [getting frustrated at Robotnik's interruptions] Is Major—

Robotnik: Me!

Bennington: Ben–

Robotnik: [whispers; makes zipping noise] I'm in charge. You've never seen anything like this before. This says I'm the top banana, in a world full of hungry little monkeys. Allow me to clarify. In a sequentially-ranked hierarchy, based on level of critical importance, the disparity between us is too vast to quantify. Agent Stone?

Agent Stone: The doctor thinks you're basic.

Robotnik: [glances back] I'm initiating a sweep sequence. Ten miles in every direction should suffice. Is he still looking at me funny?

Stone: Yes, he is.

Robotnik: Tell him to stop, or I'll pull up his search history.

Stone: If you don't stop looking at the Doctor, he'll take a closer look at–

Bennington: I'm not deaf!

Robotnik: And tell him his men report to me now, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah!

Bennington: Excuse me? Listen, pal. I don't know if you realize–

Robotnik: I'm sorry, Major. What was your name?

Bennington: Benning–

Robotnik: [[w:Charlotte's Web (2006 film)|Charlotte's Web; as his egg-shaped drones emerge; chuckles; to Bennington; Bennington steps away with a bitter look] Nobody cares! Nobody cares. Listen, Major Nobody-Cares, you know why nobody cares who you are? Because nobody cares about your feeble accomplishments. And nobody cares how proud your Mommy is that you're now reading at a third-grade level. Have you finished ] yet? Spoiler alert: she dies in the end. But she leaves a big creepy egg sac. Ah, my babies! Look what came out of my egg sac! You know what I love about machines? They do what they're told. They follow their programming! They don't need time off to get drunk and put the boat in the water! And you do what you're told: stand over there on the edge of your personal abyss, and watch my machines do your job. Can you feel it, Stone?

Stone: I can feel it, Doctor.

Robotnik: [sending commands to his drones] It's evolution, Stone! It's evolution!

Dr. Robotnik: What is extraordinary is I have determined the exact height, weight, and spinal curvature of this creature, and my computer cannot find a single match for it anywhere in Earth's animal kingdom. This blackout was not a terrorist attack, and that's no baby bigfoot. This guy... is something else... entirely.

Dr. Robotnik: [As Sonic keeps defeating and destroying his robots] OHHHH! GIVE ME A BIG! FAT! BREAK!!

Dr. Robotnik: [unveiling his robot vehicle(s) held inside one another] Ever wonder where your tax dollars are going?

Joel Barish: I ditched work today. Took a train out to Montauk. I don't know why, I'm not an impulsive person.

Joel Barish: I loved you on this day. I love this memory.

Joel Barish: I could die right now, I'm just … happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.

Joel Barish: It's all being wiped away.

Joel Barish: Are we like those bored couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead?

Joel Barish: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

Joel Barish: This is working like gangbusters!

Joel Barish: Random thoughts for Valentine's Day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies. To make people feel like crap.

Joel Barish: She was nice. Nice is good.

Joel Barish: I'm constitutionally incapable of making eye-contact with a woman I don't know.

Joel Barish: Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

Joel Barish: Sand is overrated. It's just tiny little rocks.

Truman Burbank: [After credits at end of movie] ,"I knew this show was fake from the start, it was my incredible acting that fooled everyone

Truman Burbank: [''watching himself in the mirror in the bathroom''] I here by proclaim this planet as Trumania of the Burbank Galaxy!

Truman Burbank: You never had a camera in my head!

Truman Burbank: [''after startling two control room directors by seemingly talking to them, then easing their concerns by seeming to revert back to his eccentricity, whilst they look at their notes temporarily''] That one's for free.

Truman Burbank: [''to Meryl who is threatening him with a kitchen utensil''] What are you gonna do? Slice me, dice me or peel me? There are so many choices.

Truman Burbank: [''Sailing away in the artificially roughened winds and seas''; ''sings''] Is that the best you can do? You're gonna have to kill me! What do ya do with a drunken sailor? What do ya do with a drunken sailor? What do ya do with a drunken sailor ear-lye in the mor-nin'!