Memorable Quotes from Joan Cusack
16 quotesUrgent Request for a Heterosexual Male
Emily Montgomery
I need a heterosexual male, CODE RED!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Mysterious Creatures and the Blue Monkey
Mother
This isn't about the ], is it?
[[w:Them!|giant ants]
Kate Houghton
Giant... ants?
Mother
Cause they're not really ants... anymore.
[drinks from a flask of blue liquid]
D.J. Drake
Tell me about the Blue Monkey.
Mother
How do you know about that thing that I've never heard of in my entire life?
[spews her beverage on D.J.]
D.J. Drake
My dad told me.
Mother
What is the point of making them pinky-swear?!
[pauses]
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A Tense Encounter Between Friends
Rob
Hey, Liz.
Liz
Hi, Rob... YOU ASSHOLE!
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Unexpected Encounter with Extraterrestrial Threats
Daffy Duck
Yikes! Illegal aliens!
Dalek
Exterminate them!
Mother
Darn! I knew this day would come...
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A Role Model in Social Context
Blair Litton
Except for socially, you're my role model.
[to Jane]
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Urgent Plea Amid Family Tension
Audrey Davis
Aunt Jenny? What are you doing here? How did you find...
[after Jenny bursts into the motel room she is in with BZ]
Jenny Portman
You have ten seconds to get your things together and get in the car. Stay. Ten...
[to BZ who has just come out of the bathroom]
Audrey Davis
You're not my mother, if you haven't noticed.
Jenny Portman
No. But I love you very much, and I will be your worst nightmare if you don't get in that car now. Seven, six...
BZ
But we're not ready to go yet.
Jenny Portman
Oh, you're not ready? Well... Well, are you ready for this? I don't think so. Are you ready to be a parent? I don't think so. Four, three...
[Jenny who is pregnant motions to her stomach]
Audrey Davis
Are you happy? You've just ruined my entire life.
Jenny Portman
Well, we'll fix it later. Two... You.
[to BZ]
BZ
Chill out, Mommy.
Jenny Portman
Hey.
BZ
It's all good.
Jenny Portman
Don't you talk to me like that.
BZ
It's just a prom.
Jenny Portman
You listen to me. If you ever so much as blink in her direction again, I can and will bury you so far in the ground that the heat from the earth's core will incinerate your sorry ass. Do you understand me?
Jenny Portman
By the way, you're not a bad person, but this is very bad behavior. Very bad behavior.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Time and Mortality
Marcella
You know, when you started getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Blank
Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
Marcella
Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin Blank
Did you go to yours?
Marcella
Yes, I did. It was as if everyone swelled.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Exchange About Cake Size
Jane Bloomwood
Cake?
Alette Naylor
Yes. Oh, no, no, no, no, sorry, tiny, tiny, tiny. TINY! TINY! Thank you.
[hesitant; cuts a sliver of crumbs]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Reality and Sexuality in Society
Emily Montgomery
Is everybody gay? Is this The Twilight Zone?
[Yelling outside the bar after Howard won't marry her because he is gay and after Peter Malloy turns down her advances because he is also gay]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity About High School Reunions
Martin Blank
Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?
Marcella
I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere.
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Conflicted Morality and Job Frustrations
Marcella
Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go back home, and they want you to delete someone while you're there.
Paul Spericki
I'll see you at the "I've-Peaked-and-I'm-Kidding-Myself" party.
Agent Steve Lardner
You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. It doesn't work like that. You've got to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy. Then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy.
Ultimart Clerk
No, I'm NOT all right! I'm hurt, I'm pissed... I gotta find a new job!
[after the convenience store blows up]
Bob Destepello
You wanna do some blow?
Paul Spericki
Wow. Just looking for a little validation for my life but apparently came up SHORT!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Teaching Manners Before Birth
Jenny Portman
Ooh, ooh! Sweetie, what did mommy say about kicking while she's having a conversation? You need to wait until she's finished. Thank you very much.
[Being kicked by her unborn child]
Helen Harris
Did you just boss around the unborn?
Jenny Portman
It's never too early to learn good manners.
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Safety Tips from Adults to Children
Jenny Portman
I bet this is lead paint. Kids, no chewing on the window sills!
[as she examines the new apartment]
Helen Harris
Yeah, stick to the table legs like I taught you.
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The Uncertainty of Life and Choices
Marcella
Sir, I'm becoming concerned for your safety.
[on phone]
Martin Blank
I have to go.
Marcella
Yeah, well, we all have to go sometime, sir, but we can choose when.
Martin Blank
Nobody chooses when.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings and Attraction in the Workplace
Blair Litton
Oh, you think anyone who's proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser.
Aaron Altman
No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their boss buttocks and then smooches is an ass-kisser.
Blair Litton
My gosh... and for a while there I was attracted to you.
Aaron Altman
Well, wait a minute, that changes everything!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Affordable Fashion Column Introduction
Alette Naylor
Your column will be "Affordable Fashion." 500 words, once a month... Welcome to Alette.
Rebecca Bloomwood
I can do affordable fashion! I mean, I know where all the sales are!
[to her potential employer]
Jane Bloomwood
Yes, she does! Oh, in fact, she got that from me!
[interrupting]
Rebecca Bloomwood
I didn't, I didn't! No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't...
[laughing]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.